In the night, I hear them talk

"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses."
-Margaret Millar

I like that statement
One, because I believe it's true
Two, because I know it's true.
Three, just cause it's funny.

True, I have this "insane" habit of having full conversations with myself
I'm not ashamed of it
I like to talk to myself
I'm a good audience
And I respond properly.
But we've been through this before.
(Check a previous entry, not sure which one)

A couple of days ago, I had a discussion with myself
about Pokemon.
Yes, Pokemon.
And I was trying to figure out just how to work it into an entry
2 days later I figured I'd just write it down anyway.

In case you have no idea
Pokemon is a Japanese/American sensation that swept the country over 10 years ago.
(For full details, please consult Wikipedia...that place works wonders)
Anyway, this is roughly the conversation I had with myself:

So, around 10 years ago...in 1997, according the the title screen of the original pokemon games
America and children all around the USA/Japan were introduced to pokemon.
Pokemon, Pocket Monsters.
Quite possibly on of the best RPGs to date.
Don't look at me like that.
Be offended all you want to, it's a damn good RPG.
Think about it.
You have a solid storyline, a main character, items, NPCs, endless battles
A great battle system, and the ability to change your party as well as learn new moves
and develop strategies to figure out puzzles and defeat bosses.
And there's also the notion that you're saving the world because you're fighting against
Team Rocket...they may be stupid, but they are trying to control the world.
It's just a good game.
I know it was "Americanized" and overly popular, but there's reason for it.
Now I will admit, they got a bit ridiculous with it.
I mean, I was fine with the original versions
Y'know the old Red and Blue cartridges.
Personally, I liked Blue more, just cause.
150 creatures to catch and tame (151 if you used the gameshark)
Missingno. cheat, infinite rare candies (well, it was more like 120, but close enough)
I even caught a level 167 squirtle a few times.
He was a beast.
8 badges, then you fought the elite 4, and eventually you could catch Mewtwo, the unstoppable psychic pokemon.
That was great, when you beat the game, you felt good.
You also felt like no one could touch you because your pokemon are all level 100 from the rare candy cheat.
Then there was Pokemon Yellow
Which was...okay? I suppose.
Never played it, but same principal, just this time you had a yellow rat follow you.
Eh, whatever.
But then, yes then they came out with Pokemon Gold and Silver.
Ah yes, Gold and Silver.
Yea, they added a few more pokemon...about a hundred or so
But with that came some new twists on the game.
New classes, new types and new adventure.
It was good, they finally added a class that could beat the snot out of Psychics.
(well, that had one before, but no one was about to raise a level 100 Bug, that's just stupid)
In this one, cheating was a bit harder, but you worked a lot more, and it felt good.
Yea, there was still the quest for 8 badges or whatever
But when you did that
You could go back, to the original 8 gym leaders
and get the original 8 badges on top of the 8 badges you already had
A total of 16 badges.
You were the fucking man.
No one could tell you shit.
But wait it got better
You could then go and smack around the Elite 4 -again-
Although, this time, they tried to make it 5 because they didn't think you could handle it
But you did
And you beat the snot out of them.
Bitches.
And finally, if you ever had a doubt about just how badass you really were
After catching all the legendary pokemon, and just being the best damn trainer out there.
You could challenge Ash Ketchem, from the original trainer from the Pokemon Red and Blue games.
Like
That's the ultimate challenge
He was only there once, and whether you won or lost, he disappeared forever.
But if you won,
Boy, if you won...
No one could tell you shit.
No one.
Not one single person could take away your pride.
You worked for that shit.
You were The -BEST- Pokemon Trainer...ever.
Beating Gold and Silver made you feel good about life.
Made you feel like you accomplished something.
I know I felt fantastic.
I felt like I was the shit.
May not have stopped world hunger, or poverty
But damned if I didn't feel good.

And there it was, just when you felt on top of the world
they started coming out with -more- pokemon games.
Crystal, Fire Red, Leaf Green, Diamond, Pearl and now Platinum.
I'm sorry, but What the Fuck?
No.
Just, No.
Why are you trying to steal my joy.
What makes you think anything can top how I felt after beating Gold and/or Silver.
You fail Nintendo, you fail hard.

Just one last bit about Pokemon here...
Why is it that Ash Ketchem in the animated series has been training for like...10+ years
But he's only aged twice, and he still loses fights.
Seriously
Shouldn't that yellow rat be like level 500 by now?
What the fuck is he doing?
What are these animators doing?
He should be unstoppable....Unstoppable damnit.
Fuck that "spirit of never giving up" shit.
He should be a goddamn force of nature.

I will never understand these animated series and how they just go on for like a decade.
Let's take for example Dragon Ball, the series.
Eventually we stopped watching it because there was always a New Strongest Power in the Universe.
I mean, I like watching people getting their ass kicking with waves of explosive power and all.
But seriously
Every fucking season was a new strongest power...ever.
Clearly, someone wasn't doing their homework.

It's just strange to see things that we like so much
Get turned into sheer hatred.
I mean, I loved Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z.
And now they're trying to make it into a Live Action movie.
No.
Just, no.
Why can't they let the good times just stay in the past?
They're fucking up my childhood.
Let me have my little victories.
Don't take them away, please.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I had this conversation with myself
In the shower.
I have many conversations like this with myself
And I wonder if I'm weird.
Well of course I am.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I forget what my point was
I think I just felt like typing today.
So be it.

Energizer

Sometimes I don't like me
More often, I don't like being me.
Think about that for a second.

But
That doesn't stop anyone from living day to day now does it?
Well, it does occasionally
But there are many sayings about that.
Anyway
That has nothing to do with anything.

To quote from a song by Lazlo Bane:
"I can't do this all on my own, I'm no superman"

I'd like to examine exactly what he could mean by that.
(Note: I did not say what he meant, I can not begin to decipher why he wrote that song)

Clearly, the obvious message is there,
That life is full of things that no one person alone can handle.
Such is the nature of life
We are not solitary creatures
We are meant to have mates
Friends, colleagues, whatever you want to call them
Basically...other people.
We all sort of fumble around life...together
And possibly, just possibly, we might get through it.

Obvious message.
If that wasn't obvious to you
Well then
Kudos.

Anyway.
What else could he have meant by that?
Just that line alone.

"I can't do this all on my own"

Not -all- of it no.
But a significant portion.
As much as one can take.
As much as one can take and deal with.
As much as you're willing to put up with.
But

"I'm no superman"

We don't have superhuman powers.
We don't have the ability to read minds or blow up shit
More importantly
We don't have the ability to bite off more than we can chew.
Well actually we do
We just can't chew it at all.
We get stuck
And then we feel stupid.

I could go in and examine the nature of what superman represents
but that's not important here.
He's a mythical creature
A force of the unnatural
Technically he might actually be able to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.
It's possible.

But we can't.
As much as we believe we can
We can't
We can try
But ultimately, we will need help.
It's not to say that we're weak or incapable
Just that your strength is not limitless
So yes, you will need help.

------

Why'd I pick that specific quotation?
I don't know.
I rarely ever do.
It got stuck in my head the minute I sat down
Ergo, I must write about it.

I said before that I don't like being me
I meant it
Not because I don't like the things that I do
I happen to think I'm quite a talented individual
And intelligent
A bit too much sometimes.

I don't like being me because
well that's not important.
This is not a pity party.
This is an awakening.

I've spent the last few weeks being considerably lazy off my ass
or more appropriately on my ass
Because
While I know I'm no superman
I know that I am a man
And being a man has responsibilities
Responsibilities mean time
And a decent amount of effort.
That's not to say that I don't want to be responsible
Because I do
Being responsible makes you feel better about life
But
It's not something you look forward to once you've dealt with it.

...Or maybe it is.

Zuuuto.

And now a song
Written by yours truly.
To be cross-posted on my guitar blog
soon as I figure out chords and stuff.
------

The line between love and hate
Is thin and sometimes dreary
The line between like and love
is fun but makes you weary
The line betwixt like and hate
Is full of fiery passion
But the line between hate and dislike
is a trainwreck waiting to happen.


I dislike people
But I hate dumb people
The difference gets hard to see
You can say what you want
But I don't give a damn
About what you might think of me

I dislike talking
But I hate when I'm walking
Some fucker says "'ey my man"
No I don't have change
Get the fuck out my way
And no I don't want to shake your hand

See I don't mind the homeless
I just like my alone-ness
It's not a thing of your or my "kind"
I just dislike people
Of all shapes and sizes
And I don't want to waste my time.

Because I dislike you
And the things that you do
You might think it's a hateful song
But that's really not true
I'm just saying what I think
And you're a liar if think I'm wrong

So I dislike this
And I hate all of that
I could go on and on
But there's really no point
Cause you don't give a shit
and these lines are way too long

See I don't mind opinions
they're a lot like minions
You should keep them just for yourself
But no matter how I say it
You'll just keep on talking
Until I think about shooting myself

So what if its mean
I don't see why you'd care
It's not like I ruined your day
We're all just people
And we all need love
I just wish you'd just go away.

---

Thank you.

Lemon Sandwich Cookie

If you've never done so
I believe you should check out this webcomic
SinFest
And no, it's not as devious as it sounds.
The artwork is nice
Especially considering that he updates -everyday-
And I mean that.
Never takes a break
and it's always good.

I don't know how he does it
But he manages to incorporate philosophy,
religious concepts, sociology and a whole slew of other things
To combine and make this epic storyline.
It's really innovative.

Mostly, I like the idea that the characters converse with all the major deities
Just like they're regular people, with exceptional powers.
I really wonder what kind of mind this guy has.
I am constantly surprised
and put at ease
just by reading.

It says so much
and yet so very little.
I'm sure you could sit there and try to analyze the comparison of God and the other religious leaders, or you could just enjoy the fact that Slick gets no love from 'Nique
and God loves puppets.

The comic is made of pure awesome.
Sorry, but it is.
I really don't see how anyone could disagree with that.
No, I mean really.
You'd have to be one snobby stuck up sonuvabitch to not appreciate it.
And I mean that.
Even if you don't like it as much as other ones
You can at least appreciate it.
(But it'd be better if you liked it.)

That goes to say a lot about religion in general
But we will not discuss that
...probably never will.
It's just not that interesting to me anymore.
There was a time a few years ago where I'd speak all night long on it.
But since then I've grown to accept my beliefs and the knowledge
that everyone is entitled to their own system of beliefs.
Not to say there's no point in trying to convince people otherwise
But you do have to ask yourself "Why?"
Why would you want to change someone's system of belief.
If it's to prove a point
Then you're probably doing it wrong.
If it's because you really feel it would help them out in life
And/or they seem to be struggling with their current lifestyle/mentality
Then by all means, knock yourself.
But choose your battles wisely.
Parents and Old people have been teaching that lesson for ages
And of course it's not until you get older that you realize just how true that statement is.

Age brings experience
Experience includes a lot of shit
-A lot- of shit.
...sometimes literally.
Hey, you're only human
You have bowels.
Get over it.

Age should also bring understanding and comprehension
Although we often find ourselves stuck in our ways
Because we're comfortable with it
And we're not entirely sure we have the capability to be otherwise.
Such is life.

Even if you are old
Or middle aged
Or even in your twenties
You should still broaden your horizons every now and then
Relax a little
No one's penalizing you for anything
As long as it's legal, you're fine.
And I'm fairly certain reading and enjoying a comic is legal.
...For now it is anyway.

So give it a try
Read SinFest
Enjoy.

Surprise.

I'm not actually in a mood to write anything at this moment
I was a few days ago
But then laziness kicked in.
It's very powerful, laziness.
Sometimes you just have to ask
Why fight it?
Laziness can kick your ass
Or
Considering the very nature of laziness
It can provide a comfy cushion from the ass-kicking
that you get in "important" life.
"Important" life is serious.
"Important" life is demanding.
Laziness doesn't really give a damn.

Hard to fight that sometimes
...make that all the time.

The downside of laziness
is the feeling that you should be doing something more
...important.
Laziness leads down some bad roads
Sadness, Depression, Anger, Insecurity, Pants-lessness
(Argue if you want to, but the inability to wear pants is a sure sign of laziness)
To be fair
Not all pant-lessness is bad.
Can't have sex through pants
...well, maybe through a skirt and a zipper...
but a skirt isn't pants.
I digress.

My dearest friend
My worst enemy
My loyal ally
My bitter nemesis

Laziness,
You are all these things and more.

To you I would write an ode
Yet, you'd keep me from expressing my true feeling
You're a crafty one
Yet oh so very simple.
Perplexing
Yet so obvious.

I don't understand you
Yet, I don't want to.

Why do you torment me laziness?
Why do you love me laziness?
Why do I keep you so close?
How have you managed to win me over?
I don't know.
I never do.
You always win.

Laziness, you are superior
Yet
You feel inferior.
I am confused...and at ease.

Surely
Surely there is victory to be found
Surely somewhere there is a place you cannot touch
There must be.

I will find it
I must find it
...I won't find it, will I?
Because you win, laziness.
You win again.

...You always win.

Shoebox

"You have time"
...what the does that phrase even mean?

I hear it all the time.
Usually in reference to what I want to do in life.
(Which of course, I still don't know)

I think part of the reason I don't know
Is because I feel limited
Trapped
Confined
Restrained...by time.

I hear it so much
"You're still young, you still have time"
...Time for what?
Does my time run out?
Am I on a countdown?

I thought the only countdown in life was death.
Well, I mean, yes there are mini countdowns
Like until the new year
Or until your next birthday
Or when you can stop being on house arrest
...whatever works for you.

But
Those are all definitive times
Like...March 19th at 4:56 pm.
Something you can actually mark on a calendar.

To say
"You have time"
confuses me greatly.

Where's the definitive day?
At what time does my time run out?
When I'm 30? 40? 50?
When I have children?
When I have grandchildren?
When I can join AARP?

...or is it the time of my deciding?
And if so
What if I never decide?
Or rather, what if I decide that I have all of eternity.

My time could've been up yesterday
How would I have known?
How do you know?

I'm not entirely sure I like the way that sounds.
I don't know
I've never known
and I never will know
when my time is.

Normally it wouldn't bother me
because I could say I don't give a damn if you think I have time.
But
I'm afraid

I've spent so many years listening to it
I'm actually afraid of running out of time.
(Not entirely sure how that's possible)
But I'm scared
I'm scared shitless.

I don't want my time to run out.
Even if I didn't know I had a limited amount of time.

Is that fear supposed to be my motivation?
Quickly! I better make my life decisions while I still have this limited amount of time!
I don't know when it will end!
I don't know when the opportunities will stop!
I'd better grab them now!

...but wait
how can that be?
As long as you live there are opportunities
Infinite possibilities
Unanswered questions
and the unfathomable unknown.

How can I be limited if there's so much to do?
Why does the fear of time stop me in my tracks?
It feels like pressure
Forcing me to make decisions

...I don't like being forced into anything.
It deprives me of options
Deprives me of thinking
and more importantly, deprives me of comfort.

"You have time"
Time to decide what I want to do? Yes
Time to decide when I want to do it? Yes
Time to figure out why I'm on a clock? Yes
Time that runs out? No.

I don't have time
I have a lifetime.
A span of a life
I have time to live
Not time until I die.

Brrr

I sit here
at 9 in the morning
a bit chilly
and pondering.
This is not meant to be a Haiku
I'm just not coherent enough
To write long sentences
...yet.

(Give it like a minute)

I've journeyed back to my hometown
Or at least the closest thing I can call to a hometown
With mixed emotion.

When I first got on the plane I was filled with excitement
Thinking about where I'd go
Who'd I'd see
(...who I'd not see...)
Wondering if things are different
Are they the same?
Will I feel out of place?
Like I don't belong?

Lots of silly little thoughts like pebbles on a beach.

As plane began it's descent
It started to dawn on me
That I was actually going back.
The smile edged away a little
The light in my eyes grew a bit dimmer
And two things happened.

One, I was met with a familiar comforting feeling of knowing
of familiarity
of being able to say "I remember that"
And feeling that nothing has really changed
That I really did come home to a place that I am quite familiar and comfortable with.
And there was a sigh of relief.

But
I was also met with a feeling of sadness
Or rather...mixed emotions
Sadness, Depression, Anger, Confusion
things of that nature.
Why? Because it's the world I left behind
I've spent 2 or 3 years in another state
This doesn't necessarily feel like home to me anymore.
I'm not staying in my own room.
I'm not cooking in my own kitchen
I'm not sleeping on my own couch
because my life isn't here any more.

That's not to say that there's nothing here.
No no
Quite the opposite.
There is still a part of me here
Memories
Dreams
Ambitions

Parts of a younger self that I have all since forgotten.

Which may be the reason that I needed to come here.
to find what it was that made me move on the first time
To put me in that mood

Why leave home?
To try the world on your own
To make your own rules and live by them
To find out what it means to live
And to grow.

To be a new person
A different one.
To learn culture
and pursue what it is that you really want to do.
...even if it doesn't always work out.

Maybe coming back isn't so bad afterall.
...to visit, not to live.

...
I'm fairly certain there was something else I wanted to say
but I can't remember for the life of me.
Perhaps I'll go stand on the roof and take pictures
Or walk to the store I've been to a million times
I'll enjoy the comforts of this place while I can
...but I still want to go home.