I.F.U.

So
I don't normally do this
Well really, I don't normally do anything,
Except getting up and getting dressed.
But
I didn't sleep well last night

Very lustful dreams.

I have to write this
because if I don't
it'll just stay bottled up
and it'll get worse in time.
Can't talk to anyone about it
because
well, I guess I've abused that privilege one too many times.

So yesterday, I'm at my bar, chillin, doin the poker thing.
I know I'm relatively attractive but I wasn't really looking for anyone
Saw one possibly cute girl, didn't really look like my type so I just shrugged it off
She ends up sitting next to me
Queen of the trash talkers.
I love it.
Of course I do, I love trash talk
But only when it's quality.
I'm dealing cards, she's talking mess
I talk back.
Nothing new
But she's a vulgar one
Curses like a homeless alky
I can only smile
It's fun
It's harmless
I'm having a good time
Terrible cards, but a great time.
We go back and forth over every hand
I don't know why
I start shit, she finishes
She starts shit, I finish it
every hand.
People are starting to wonder how long we've known each other
We've just met.
She's cute. Cuter than I thought she was
Got a little speech impediment, maybe a slight lisp? I don't know
But there's more than just rap music going in that head
Military? Didn't see that coming
No wonder she's got that mouth.
Ah but she's not staying for long
That sucks.
Just a travelin woman.
I realize,
I kinda like this chick.
She calls me a cocksucker
I say go sit on a dick and spin
She says she will, later tonight
guy from across the table mutters "lucky guy"
Bathroom break
She left her phone
Oh, there's a half naked dude on there
Damn, guess that guy is lucky.
Ah well.
Still, the shit talking is fun

Break time
Stretch
She gets up
other guy at the table
'man, she's something else eh?'
'Yea, but she won't shut up'
She can play though
Yes, because she's really gifted at talking shit
No man I mean really, look at the cards, she can play
Maybe.

Hands played
Table breaks apart
I go one way, she goes the other.
That was fun
But now lets actually play poker.

...Doesn't work.
Free drinks.
I'm out.
Damn.
Losers table?
Maybe

Oh she's out too
We're talking
she's had a few too many free jager shots
but just can't let the last whiskey drink go
'I paid for it already' she says
I have to smile
That's dedication right there.
Dedication and foolishness
Right up my alley.

She shares a story about the last time she had so much jager
almost sounds like a venture into poly
but
not in a great way.

She brags about her assets
and by assets I mean body
she breaks niggas
I say that's not hard, niggas are always broke anyway
no, she says and gyrates her hips
she breaks niggas.
Oh, heh, right.

She talks about sexual escapades
I'm just enjoying it
laughing
little embarrassed but clearly intrigued
She's got the goods
I say she's got a nice body
touch the curves
the outline
Oh yes, she's got the goods.

A naked picture.
Wait, what? A naked picture?
No faces, she says
never send the faces.
That way they don't know if its really her
But it is.
One quick glance up and down and you already know
It's her.
There's more
More of the goodies
The special spots
But she can't show me those.
Not yet.
Damn.

She likes dick.
Clearly.
not a lesbian, she says
but I can tell if a bitch is bad
How'd we get from literate to ghetto?
Playful hits
but she hits to win.
None too bad
one gutshot that I have to brush off
but she's gotta go.

...does she?

She's a little rough
I like that.
More than I realize
She's not dainty.
And she really likes it rough.

'You ever coming back?'
'Maybe.'

A hug
Then a bear hug
I will not be outdone.
Still talkin shit
but her ass feels great.
Smack. That. Shit.
Twice.

...What?
Even the waitress asks me
So are you taking her home?
Maaaaaan do I want to.
Do I ever.
She says lets wrestle
Seriously?
Damn.

And this, this is where I did the wrong thing:
I thought.

I thought
'is she joking? She's gotta be'
I thought
'what am i doing?'
I thought
'why am i not doing this?'
I thought
'what's going to happen?'
I thought
'should I...?'
I thought.

I thought, dammit.
I thought.
Why
I don't know.
I still, don't know.

She's gone
I leave
Parking lot
Sitting in my car
...what was her name?

Damn.

Endlessly

This is ridiculous.
I'm up at damn near 5 in the morning.
I've been up for an hour.

Why?

Because there's an enormous amount of tension in my body.
Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep like that.

What kind of tension?

Some of it is sexual, sure.
Some of it is back pain from work
Some of it is because I can't wipe these images from my head
and that is causing me to be jilted awake
every 40 minutes or so.

The thing is, half of me doesn't want to erase these images
They...assist me
But they also drive me crazy.

It's like dreaming about a hot pizza or a sandwich or something.
Part of you wants to continue to think about how marvelous the pizza is
The other part of you just wants to get up and eat.
And there's a whole other part that says
"It's 4 in the fucking morning, go back to sleep"

Supposing of course that you've decided you're going to have the pizza
It's just a question of whether or not you continue to tease yourself
(thus making the pizza even better)
or to just sate your urges and be done with it.

It's another thing entirely if you dream of the pizza
Know that you're going to have it
But also know the store isn't open at 4 in the morning
so you have to wait until it does.

How do you function?
On the one hand, you're dead set on it
On the other hand, you have no choice but to wait.
And so you sit
Restless.
Waiting.
On some form of edge
And you might be irritable.
Depends on the time of day.

I used an example of food
But I suppose a more appropriate example
would be sex.
Sex is much more tempting than a pizza
(Even if you're under the influence)
You can't think about sex all night
and then not do something about it.

It drives you crazy.
Hormones are the hardest partying motherfuckers out there.
Once they get started
You're screwed
(And you probably want to be)

But you can't just tell them to go away.
Because they won't.
They don't give a good goddamn how you feel.

So what do you do?
Masturbate?
If it is purely sexual urges, that might help.
But there are no guarantees.
Nothing takes the place of sex...except sex.
Nothing replaces intimacy except intimacy.

These are only made worse by thinking about the times
You let opportunity knock while you fiddled with the remote to the TV.

So now
You just suffer.
And you wait.
And it makes you awake at 4 in the morning
Writing posts
about why the fuck you're up
at 4 in the damn morning.

I digress.

Now that I've let that out
Its time to take a look at myself through my actions.

I find myself in a situation
Where I have the ability
To make things happen.
But I fear
many things.
Or rather
I feared many things.
I don't fear as much now

But I do fear
that feeling will return.

Which would suck.

I realize, perpetually
That I'm rather sensitive.
Not like a sixth sense or anything
But rather, as my friend used to put it
I'm "soft like ice cream".
I'd like to think I've at least frozen up a bit more
Maybe got some frostbite or something
But I'm still pretty soft.

That is to say
I spend time thinking
and worrying
About making sure everyone else is comfortable
That I don't cross someone else's borders
That I be respectful and thoughtful.
And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
There's a difference between being respectful
And being a doormat.
Respectful is inviting someone into your house
Being a doormat...is well, being a damn doormat.
You should never let people walk on or over you
That is not okay.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Friends, Lovers, Parents.
No one.
That's detrimental to one's self-image.
And lord knows that's the last thing people need in this day and age.

My...condition, as it were
Often leads me to bouts of inaction
or passive action.
Both things I need to work on, yes I'm aware.
(I'm getting better about it)
(Albeit slowly)

The best thing you can do
Is admitting that you even have issues.
From there it's a battle, sure
But you're not going in there blind
And that's important.

My inaction often arises
out of a desire to...
...how do you say...
keep a distance.

I feel like I can have a tendency
To be a bit...much sometimes.
Not very often
(it seems most of my friends think I'm quite aloof)
(I am, but I am not)
But it is difficult for me to realize when I'm doing it.

There are times when I hate beating around the bush
Like...
Two people walking to a door...that can only fit one person at a time.
Instead of doing that awkward thing where you glance at each other
as both of you kind of speed up
and the winner is whoever gets there first and does the silent "yes!"
I'd rather be like
"Look, clearly one of us can fit through here. I could be a jackass and just run, or I could let you go first because you have a baby carriage, Go on"
Or even so much as I'll just wait for them to go first.
Most of the time people just look at me like
"Wait, we're not racing?"
No.
No we're not.
I don't care that much
(besides, you'd eat my dust)
(Bitch.)

But there are times when this approach can be seen as
...invasive, or too abrupt.

So I refrain, because I must.
Which of course leads me to doubting my actions
Which leads to the perpetual cycle that goes on in my head
That I can't seem to get away from until
I'm sitting here at 5 in the morning
Trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Eventually I know it all pans itself out
And it's just a matter of time and patience.

But y'know
sometimes we hate to be patient.
We want it here
and we want it now.
But that's not how it is.
Not all the time anyway.

Impulsive, foolish, rash
These are all things commonly associated with people's (stupid) actions
Because we just don't want to wait.

But we have to.
Why?
Because pizza takes time to cook, duh.
Unless you want to be sick.

Sexuality (2 of ∞) - Ponder

I wasn't planning on writing this today
But I was kindly informed by a friend of mine
That I should continue

So I shall.

These past week or so has been very tiring and busy
So I haven't really thought about much
Which means a few things
I could not be as sharp
Or
I could be sharper.
I'll let you think about that for a minute.
(It's okay if it means nothing to you...
wait a fucking second, why does "okay" get a red squiggly line
This makes no sense.
I bet this thing thinks conversate is a word
No, I was wrong.
Now I'm just confused.)

By the way, "Conversate" is not a word
(You can have a conversation, you can converse with something
But you can't conversate.
Shit doesn't even make sense.)

Alas, I digress once more
Something I am infamous for.

Sexuality, in its entirety
(wow, I'm surprised that's a word)
Is a vast, and mostly untouchable thing
So yes, I do hesitate on what to talk about next.

I mean
There's just so much to talk about
People have been publishing books on these things for years
People spend their whole lives devoted to it
And they -still- can't explain it
Not all of it anyway.

There's just too much to cover
Maybe
I think you have to take it slowly
Treat the study more like a child
Than a lego set.
(I fucking love legos)

I'm a kinesthetic learner
Like a lot of people
(Kinesthetic more or less means the "hands on" approach)
I would say I'm about 60% Kinesthetic and 35% Visual
Which, if you can do math properly
Leads you to the 5% of Auditory learning
(I just don't listen)
(Yea, I said it, I'm not ashamed)
(I don't listen for shit.)

In the case of Sex
Whether it's foreplay, intercourse, masturbation, orgasm or just plain cuddlin'
There are certain things you can only learn from the Hands On approach
Literally.

Obviously, you never quite know how to deal with another persons body
It's awkward
That's just how it is.
I mean, there does come a time if you've been with so many people
That you have a fairly good idea of how to handle it
But there's still a lot of awkwardness.

Sex is awkward
There's a lot of bumping
Rubbing
Moving
Sweating
Sometimes scratching
Heavy breathing
Confusion
Excitement
and Doubt.

They're all there.
They always have been
And they always will be.
It's what makes it so damn fun.
You never exactly know how it's going to turn out
It's got that element of mystery in it.
Or if it doesn't
That's usually when people go seeking it elsewhere
(i.e. affairs, trysts, hookers)
(Not that there's much mystery in a hooker, you know exactly what you're paying for)

But it's meant to be that way
Or so I assume.

Take this quotation:

"Holding Naoko in my arms, I wanted to explain to her,
'I am having sex with you now. I am inside you. But really this is nothing. It doesn't matter.
It is nothing but the joining of two bodies. All we are doing is telling each other things that can only be told by the rubbing together of two imperfect lumps of flesh.
By doing this, we are sharing our imperfection'"
(Haruki Murakami - "Norwegian Wood")

(No, I don't know if I cited that correctly
I just spent the past 6 minutes looking up ways to do it
And nothing relevant came up.
Thanks Internet, you always know the answer.)

I think that's a pretty good description
That's what it is
Two imperfect bodies coming together
sharing their imperfection
Recognizing it in each other
And celebrating it
in a matter of speaking.

Yet it's through that acknowledgment
That we find a primal state of being.
I know I said this before
It helps along the road to enlightment
You are imperfect
And so is everyone else.

Which is why
You have to take the hands on approach
You have to feel it out
Understand it
("it" being that almost insatiable desire to paw another's flesh)
Control it
Not necessarily tame it
but channel it.

There's a lot of heat and passion that goes into good sex
(I said good sex, not all sex)
Sometimes sex is just y'know
someone rubbing themselves in/on someone else until they release
I don't particularly care for that
I don't really see the point.
You can masturbate alone
Why misuse the company of another body
You can feel it, feed off it it, meld their desires with your own
And slip into a new kind of pleasure entirely.
But again, I digress.

I've digressed a lot actually
Almost to the point that I've forgotten what I meant to be talking about.
I apologize
You didn't come here to hear me rant on and on
Or maybe you did
If that's the case

...you're weird.

I think I said all of this to say that sex is awkward
It's pleasurable, yes.
Extremely pleasurable.

But there's always that milestone to get over
Especially for Virgins, people with Anxiety and Nerve Problems
Or even your Joe Averages.

We're human
We don't know it all
We share this with others
And are comforted

...It's okay to not know.
(Fucking squiggly lines)


You just have to learn to embrace pleasure.
Look past the could, would, should, can, and cannots
Just focus on what to do.
Seek pleasure
Find pleasure
Embrace it.

Sexuality (1 of ∞)

Cleaning off my glasses for the umpteenth time today
(you know, I really thought I'd get a red squiggly line under that word
Apparently "umpteenth" counts as a proper english word now
Yet, "english" without a capital E gets squiggled
There's some sort of irony in that, I'm sure.)

Anyway
I've decided to step my foot into this large discussion pool
known only as
Sexuality.

This is going to be a long series of analysis on every type of sexuality I can fathom.
From Gender, to Preference, to Fetish to Practices to whatever else I can imagine.
The problem is
Like I said
This is a -huge- subject
And I'm sure I'll get distracted
So forgive me.

I hesitated on doing this for a long time
Simply because I wasn't sure I had the capability of discussing it properly
I'm going to try and pick one subject a day and just focus on that
I make no promises though
I'm not very good at keeping track of things.
Also
I think it would help if I put them in no specific order
Rather, I will add tags to them so they can be viewed together
Because much like a sex drive
My thoughts can be triggered by different things on different days.

Again I still hesitate because I'm concerned about my internet mask
I don't know why
Everyone's entitled to their own opinions, correct?
Yet, it never seems that way.
I wonder why that is.
People are so biased
so...
not what they claim to be.
But
I think there comes a time in your life when you realize
You just have to do things for yourself.
I'm sure I've said this already
But it's one thing to say something and another to follow it, yes?
Practice what you preach, yes?
(Yes, I know many clichés)
(You'll live)
Anyway.
I've digressed long enough.
Without further to do
(Yes, I know it's ado, but they once said it like that on Rugrats and I thought it was hilarious)
(Not adieu like people think..."Without further goodbye?" wtf.)

---
Section 1 - Sexuality
----
Sex
The Emotional, Physical, Carnal, Sensual, Mental jumble
That people do incredibly terrible and wonderful things to get.
Why is it so?
What makes it so fantastic?
I do not know.
I myself am a victim of such pain and pleasure
Such ignorance and knowledge
Such fulfillment and absence
I just wish to analyze.

The world is separated into two "genders"
Two "roles" if you will
That of the Dominant (Male) and that of the Submissive (Female)
(In traditional literature anyway.)
The union of Male and Female in sexual intercourse
The penetration of the (male, dominant) Penis
(Dick, Cock, Meat Weasel, Pickle, Schlong, Dong, or whatever else you think of)
Into the (woman, submissive) Vagina
(snatch, sheath, taco, pussy, cooch, vagoo, oh the world is full of euphemisms)
Is one of the most sought after things in our society
...by the Heterosexual population.
(or at least that's what they want you to think)

Which brings me to this point
Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Transsexual, Asexual, Trisexual(?)
What to they all mean?
Well
I'll examine them later.
Each one in turn
They deserve it.

Today, we'll keep it at introductions and paraphrasing.

There are an insane amount of nerve endings in the reproductive organs
So much that when they are all stimulated
Orgasm occurs.
Orgasms manifest themselves in different ways in different people
But for the most part it's pretty simple to identify them.
In most males it's simply Ejaculation.
And the releasing of the bodily fluid known as Sperm
(In 99% of porno known as Cum)
In women, well, that's usually signified when the whole body seizes up
Everything becomes tightened
And there's a moment of ultimate, unrestrained release
Which may or may not include projecting bodily fluids
This, simply put, is known as Orgasm.

Orgasms are the...well
They're quite possibly one of the best things in existence.
Some might go so far as to say
It is the best thing in existence.
Really, think about it
Whether you masturbate
Or orgasm though intercourse
(of any sort)
It's the full on release of everything that you are.
The world around you no longer exists in that one brief moment
You are one with the entire universe
Yet you are nothing
It's perplexing
Yet quite possibly the highest form of enlightenment
It's serene
Calming
Embracing
Dangerous
Exciting
Happy
Joy
Adrenaline
Pure

Honestly, there are no words to describe it
Only the feelings that surround it
In itself orgasm is religious, sacrilegious, sacred and public.
It's holy and demonic
It's heaven and hell
It's pleasure and pain
It's sin and redemption.

Pure Sexual Desire
Pure Flesh
Pure Will
Pure Life.

It's two sides of the same coin
It's irresistible
Just out of reach
Coveted

It shows you life
it gives meaning (sometimes)
It embraces
And then you shudder.

I say this because it's important to understand why it's so sought after
It's the closest thing to immortality that we have
The closest thing to God
The closest thing to Purity.
The closest thing to...the self.

It's important to know why people do the things they do
For release
And I mean all people
Teenagers, Newlyweds, Married Couples, Friends, Friends with "benefits"
People, One Night Stands, Hookers, Pedophiles, Dendrophiles, Necrophiles
(For full list of fetishes, look at wikipedia, I don't have enough space for that)
They all have a base in orgasm

While the motivation may be different
The objective is still the same
Bliss.

People will trade in their entire universe for one sweet moment of pure bliss.
And that's what orgasm gives
Bliss.
Pure Bliss.

Is it worth it?
Absolutely.
Any single person in the world that gives their body half the chance
To give in to it's sexual desires will find themselves fulfilled in ways they never knew they could.
And that's what makes it so dangerous
So taboo
So...secret.

That in itself is exciting.
Most people spend their entire lives hiding from the world
Hiding their own sexual desires
Hiding
Waiting
Lurking
Hoping for the moment that they can reach ultimate bliss.

Like I said, people will give away their whole universe for a moment of bliss.

Now, is it wrong?
That's the question many people ask
And no one has that answer but you.
Are you wrong to want to Orgasm?
Are you wrong for wanting to Orgasm a certain way?

Because
If you hold back
Are you really truly letting go?
Are you really getting to point that you should?
Are you achieving...bliss?

That's up to you.

Sex is a powerful thing.