It's 99 degrees, I may be delusional.

And now for an in depth exploration of the song

"Fell in love with a girl"

by the White Stripes.

Why?

I don't know.

The following is complete speculation

and more than likely just a bunch of projection.

First of all, let me start off by saying I think the most common interpretations of the song are a bit off.

I can't say by how much, but after looking at some of the explanations that people came up with

I can't say I really agree.

The first one being that this song is about a lesbian experience.

I disagree based on this fact: Jack White wrote the song.

Last time I checked, he wasn't a lesbian.

He writes a good portion of the music

why would he write about a lesbian experience?

Is it possible that it's really Meg's story?

Possible, but unlikely.

Now to be fair, the song never gives a gender to the narrator, so it -could- be about a lesbian experience of sorts, but I'm pretty sure that's not the focus of the song.

The gender roles in this case are irrelevant.

Just to put it out there, I'll say this

I think it's about a girl, that's a hippie, who's into the whole free-love kinda thing

To be more specific, I think it's about a girl that is at the very least, poly.

"Fell in love with a girl, I fell in love once and almost completely

She's in love with the world, but sometimes these feelings can be so misleading"

I know it's an extremely short song, but it's...perfect in its brevity.

It tells the short but complex story of trying to understand that sort of "share the love" mentality.

And just how confusing it really is

Especially when you find yourself agreeing or at least trying to in spite of yourself.

What I do find interesting is where he says "I fell in love once, and almost completely"

Which implies a variety of things, that I probably shouldn't spend too much time looking into because I'll get sidetracked.

The unnamed narrator of this story realizes s/he has these deep, caring, almost reckless feeling for this girl, but holds back on letting him/herself fall over that "edge"

...this of course implies that there is some form of "edge" as it comes to falling in love with someone.

But again, different topic for a different day.

"She's in love with the world, but sometimes these feelings can be so misleading"

This may not be literal, but broad enough for you to get the gist of it, she loves, freely.

It's not just that she's in love with life, she's actually in love with the world

She loves people/things of all shapes, sizes, colors, circumstance, background, whatever

What free love is supposed to represent.

Love without borders

Loving the world.

But again, more than just loving life, there's the idea that the narrator doesn't actually understand how she can love so many things and people at once.

This is where the idea of her being open or poly really starts to kick in.

"She turns, and said 'Are you alright?'

I said 'I must be fine, my heart's still beating'"

Enough time has elapsed that the narrator is lost in thought, or has been lost in thought for some time

So as she shows concern, the narrator brings it back to the physical plane

I mean, if your heart is still beating, you're still alive, and this has got to be real.

As surreal or as bizarre as it may seem, you're here, in this moment

There are some moments, I find, when someone drops some kind of information on you that really makes you stop and think "is this actually happening?" or more importantly "is this actually happening to me, right now?" 

Often, it's particularly intimate details about themselves, but sometimes it's just something you never really expected to hear, so you try to understand it.

"Come and kiss me by the riverside, yeah. Bobby said it's fine, he don't consider it cheating now"

This..is probably where the lesbian experience explanation comes to light. It's implied that Bobby is her boyfriend and apparently he doesn't mind if she's off making out with someone else by the river or wherever else. Now, because of our societal and cultural upbringing, we've become accustomed to the idea that it's not cheating as long as it's not another male. Two women making out is way more acceptable, and is often seen as a bonus.

Again, while I don't necessarily agree with that specific explanation, I can certainly see where it comes from. 

Alternatively, we could see it as such: Bobby himself is also a hippie of sorts, perhaps even poly

So Bobby's lack of concern isn't attributed to the gender of the narrator, but rather to the relationship that he and The Girl have. It could just be an open-relationship of sorts.

And also, to clarify my point, I turn to the cover of this same song as done by the artist Joss Stone.

In her version, she fell in love with a boy, but the idea is that the boy is pursuing two women at one time. However, in her version she also makes the Boy out to be a bit of a liar, or a cheater, because he's "telling lies on Sarah". Implying that Sarah is actually not okay with that kind of relationship.

(I'd like to note that nowhere in the song does Ms Stone say that she ever spoke to Sarah about it, so Sarah might actually be fine with it, but the Boy gets the shitty end of that stick because culturally speaking, men cheating is extremely common) 

Now, the wording of the verse is a little perplexing. Not that he "doesn't" consider it cheating, but that he "don't" consider it...I think that implies that there's more of a...country dialect going on.

Between going to the riverside and the wording, and the name Bobby as opposed to just Bob or Robert or any variation thereof...the Girl in this song might be a bit of a southern belle, or at least a country gal.

A country girl hippie that's in love with the world.

...or maybe it's just because "doesn't" has too many syllables and would take away from the rhythm of the song.

 Again, merely speculation.

"Red hair with a curl

Mellow roll for the flavor 

and the eyes for peeping"

These are just lines to describe the girl, the detail that goes into admiring someone

Noticing the way someone smiles, laughs, whatever makes them, them.

I sat for a long time trying to figure out what the fuck "Mellow roll for the flavor" meant

So I searched and searched for meanings, but I found nothing until I figured out what I really needed to search for

it's not "Mellow roll" it's "Mello-Roll" a type of ice-cream treat made back in the 50s til the 80s (working theory, can't exactly back that up with many sources)

We typically don't know much about it these days because its long since been discontinued

But it makes sense in the song.

This is a story about a past love experience. A different time, perhaps the 70s or 80s when free love was the revolution and hippies were everywhere.

I think the "eyes for peeping" speaks to the Girl's intellect, or possibly her innocence, or even naivete.

Or maybe all 3. 

...or maybe she just had really pretty, bright eyes.

Again, I feel like this was put here to emphasize the narrator's feelings for the Girl, 

she was beautiful, tasteful, a little whimsical, a bit mischievous, and ultimately just fun.

It's understandable why s/he would come to fall in love with the girl.

"Can't keep away from the girl

the two sides of my brain need to have a meeting"

  Try as s/he might, the narrator just can't pull him/herself away from this Girl because she's too intriguing. The narrator is just too drawn to the girl to walk away from this situation

Logic and Creativity need to have it out, somebody needs to decide how this is supposed to end. Either reason it out why it doesn't make any sense to pursue any further

Or just go with what feels good, embrace it for what it is

Either way, something needs to be concluded

 

"Can't think of anything to do, yeah. My left brain knows that (all?/our?) love is fleeting"

 Stuck. The narrator is stuck. The left hemisphere of the brain, the supposed "logical" side of the brain is telling him/her in whatever way that love and these feelings are just temporal

However, the right side, his/her "creative" side doesn't exactly agree. Torn between feeling like it's a waste of time, and possibly one of the most exhilarating moments in this life, s/he's torn.

Torn between the desire to explore and understand

and the desire to walk away.

"She's just looking for something new, yeah. I said it once before but it bears repeating now"

Again, this line feeds that lesbian experience theory people love to throw on this song

the "something new" being experimentation.

Which is yes, a possible explanation, but again, I doubt it.

I think it's that the girl is living up to her previously mentioned status of being in love with the world.

We're all led to believe that love is a fleeting thing. It's logical. Love is a blend of chemicals that can just as easily disperse as it is put together. Maybe the Girl knows and acknowledges this as well. Instead of letting that stop her, however she chooses to embrace it and find love in the next experience she has. So she goes searching for it, that new love, that new interest that she's bound to run into. After all, you can't love everything if you spend all your time loving just one thing, you have to move about.

But it bears repeating

This to me is the most depressing line in the song

the narrator is constantly sliding between being in love with her

and knowing that s/he may just be a temporary part of this Girl's life.

Because all love is fleeting

this whole experience could be and probably is just a fleeting moment in this Girl's life.

Chances are the narrator wants more from the Girl, something more permanent, but may realize that in doing so she would no longer be the Girl that s/he fell in love with to begin with.

It's a bit of a sad cycle.

For a quick example, and yes, I know this probably has flaws, but the concept is basic

Imagine a beautiful glass on a pedestal.

Now around that glass is a security circle. 

If you cross the line, the glass shatters

The fact that you can't actually get to the glass makes it that much more appealing

and kind of makes you want it even more.

But you also know that by trying to acquire it, you'll lose it forever.

That would suck

I'll say this in conclusion, I'm pretty sure Jack White is a hippie.

Seriously, check the wiki, dude got married by a shaman.

I think it's a story about a young boy experiencing hippie love for the first time and realizing that it's something he can kind of relate to, but it's scary because it doesn't sound like the "American dream" kind of love. Y'know, the one with the picket fence and 2.5 kids and a dog

TL;DR ---> Dude got sprung on a hippie chick, then he realized that he got sprung on a hippie chick.

-----------

Or I could be way off.

Who knows.

Either way

I felt like writing that out.

Now I'm tired

so

Goodnight.

never cheap.

So here's the skinny
I recently got a tattoo.

It was a tough decision to make.
I am proud of myself for getting said tattoo
but also still kinda freaking out about it.
I mean, it is a permanent thing.

But, I've begun to realize something.
I heal very quickly.
The tattoo itself is not completely healed yet, as it should not be
But It just served as a fair reminder that I do infact heal rather quickly.

I look at it, on my arm and I am hit with the fact
that I will probably have to get it touched up more frequently than other people.
My body may infact heal it completely at some point if left alone.
That's wild.

I don't know why my body is this way, it's always been that way.
My wounds don't itch, scabs don't itch, and usually i forget that the wound is even there at all.
The only exception to this is the one I have on my knee from when I was about 7ish.
I scraped my knee trying to slide into 1st base
Literally, not like trying to make out with another elementary school student.
I was on a baseball team.
I remember because I had on kneepads.
Look, my mother was extremely overprotective
But apparently these kneepads did nothing.
I remember the feeling on the skin being peeled off and the splotch of blood on the inside of the pad
I remember being both fascinated and disgusted by this
And I was curious to see just how the wound would heal.
Come to think of it, that's the only time I've ever picked at a scab.
Over time it healed up but I couldn't stop messing with the scab.
Eventually I was left with a patch of blotchy skin.
Then something else happened, can't remember what, but it busted the wound right back open
It never healed correctly the 2nd time.


Anyway, somewhere along the timeline I realized that a lot of my healing comes internally.
Some call it faith, some call it spiritual healing, I don't really know or care what it's called
But I understand how it works for me.
My body wants to heal itself, it then tells me the best ways to do it.
Sometimes I don't always agree
Sometimes I pretend that I'm not listening
And when I do it that way, I don't heal as fast.

A very simple example.
I have stomach aches sometimes.
Probably because I ate something I knew I shouldn't
Or sometimes it's stress.
And since I spend so much time thinking of food and how to nourish myself
It makes sense to me that one of the most deeply affected areas would be my stomach.

It's a Chakra I believe.
I don't really know that much about Chakras
Not sure if I want to learn
But I can appreciate what they represent.

Anyway, when I get these stomach upsets
or my chakras are out of line
my generally tells me what I need to set it back in balance.
Sometimes I don't know, that may be because I have not yet experienced the food item
and my body is thus craving something it doesn't yet know.

Sometimes its very predictable.
Generally if I've had a sucky night of drinking (e.g. something involving Jager)
I wake up with some form of a hangover.
This hangover is cured not with a Bloody Mary, not another shot of jager (hair o'th'dog)
not tylenol, not water, not any general remedy.
No no, my body will, and I promise you I'm not lying
require a Meatball Sub from Subway.
Every fucking time.

I know what you're thinking "really, subway? Gross"
To that I say who cares, I like their food.
Something about that very specific combination makes my stomach feel just right.
Yes it's a comfort food, I know.
But comfort goes a long way in healing. A very long way.

Which leads me to this conclusion:

I want to study Tai Chi and Reiki healing.
Both of those.
I feel like the movements of Tai Chi will better help me center myself
And as a lazy Taoist, it would really help me get back to where I need to be.

Reiki is a japanese form of spirit healing.
It breaks down
"Rei" meaning universal, spirit, soul, life.
"Ki" meaning energy.
So, yea.

I would also like to take a look into just traditional massage methods.
Massage therapy and whatnot.

I feel like combined, those 3 would make something epic.
Not sure what
Just something epic.

Also, it just sounds cool.
It sounds mystical.
I like mystical.
Not Mystikal...well, okay, he wasn't too bad either.

Danger!
Get on the floor!

The problem I have with these is that it takes being taught.
It takes time and money.
And I'm like
really?
I gotta get charged to learn how to heal myself?
That's fucked up.
What happened to apprenticeships?


And so the search for what I should be doing continues.

I.F.U.

So
I don't normally do this
Well really, I don't normally do anything,
Except getting up and getting dressed.
But
I didn't sleep well last night

Very lustful dreams.

I have to write this
because if I don't
it'll just stay bottled up
and it'll get worse in time.
Can't talk to anyone about it
because
well, I guess I've abused that privilege one too many times.

So yesterday, I'm at my bar, chillin, doin the poker thing.
I know I'm relatively attractive but I wasn't really looking for anyone
Saw one possibly cute girl, didn't really look like my type so I just shrugged it off
She ends up sitting next to me
Queen of the trash talkers.
I love it.
Of course I do, I love trash talk
But only when it's quality.
I'm dealing cards, she's talking mess
I talk back.
Nothing new
But she's a vulgar one
Curses like a homeless alky
I can only smile
It's fun
It's harmless
I'm having a good time
Terrible cards, but a great time.
We go back and forth over every hand
I don't know why
I start shit, she finishes
She starts shit, I finish it
every hand.
People are starting to wonder how long we've known each other
We've just met.
She's cute. Cuter than I thought she was
Got a little speech impediment, maybe a slight lisp? I don't know
But there's more than just rap music going in that head
Military? Didn't see that coming
No wonder she's got that mouth.
Ah but she's not staying for long
That sucks.
Just a travelin woman.
I realize,
I kinda like this chick.
She calls me a cocksucker
I say go sit on a dick and spin
She says she will, later tonight
guy from across the table mutters "lucky guy"
Bathroom break
She left her phone
Oh, there's a half naked dude on there
Damn, guess that guy is lucky.
Ah well.
Still, the shit talking is fun

Break time
Stretch
She gets up
other guy at the table
'man, she's something else eh?'
'Yea, but she won't shut up'
She can play though
Yes, because she's really gifted at talking shit
No man I mean really, look at the cards, she can play
Maybe.

Hands played
Table breaks apart
I go one way, she goes the other.
That was fun
But now lets actually play poker.

...Doesn't work.
Free drinks.
I'm out.
Damn.
Losers table?
Maybe

Oh she's out too
We're talking
she's had a few too many free jager shots
but just can't let the last whiskey drink go
'I paid for it already' she says
I have to smile
That's dedication right there.
Dedication and foolishness
Right up my alley.

She shares a story about the last time she had so much jager
almost sounds like a venture into poly
but
not in a great way.

She brags about her assets
and by assets I mean body
she breaks niggas
I say that's not hard, niggas are always broke anyway
no, she says and gyrates her hips
she breaks niggas.
Oh, heh, right.

She talks about sexual escapades
I'm just enjoying it
laughing
little embarrassed but clearly intrigued
She's got the goods
I say she's got a nice body
touch the curves
the outline
Oh yes, she's got the goods.

A naked picture.
Wait, what? A naked picture?
No faces, she says
never send the faces.
That way they don't know if its really her
But it is.
One quick glance up and down and you already know
It's her.
There's more
More of the goodies
The special spots
But she can't show me those.
Not yet.
Damn.

She likes dick.
Clearly.
not a lesbian, she says
but I can tell if a bitch is bad
How'd we get from literate to ghetto?
Playful hits
but she hits to win.
None too bad
one gutshot that I have to brush off
but she's gotta go.

...does she?

She's a little rough
I like that.
More than I realize
She's not dainty.
And she really likes it rough.

'You ever coming back?'
'Maybe.'

A hug
Then a bear hug
I will not be outdone.
Still talkin shit
but her ass feels great.
Smack. That. Shit.
Twice.

...What?
Even the waitress asks me
So are you taking her home?
Maaaaaan do I want to.
Do I ever.
She says lets wrestle
Seriously?
Damn.

And this, this is where I did the wrong thing:
I thought.

I thought
'is she joking? She's gotta be'
I thought
'what am i doing?'
I thought
'why am i not doing this?'
I thought
'what's going to happen?'
I thought
'should I...?'
I thought.

I thought, dammit.
I thought.
Why
I don't know.
I still, don't know.

She's gone
I leave
Parking lot
Sitting in my car
...what was her name?

Damn.

Choose

I was on OKCupid
browsing profiles, answering random questions
and I came across a question that actually stopped me.
Not because it was insensitive, or gross or stupid or anything like that
But because it was the most thought provoking question I'd been asked in a really long time.

"If you had to choose one for the rest of your life, which would you pick?"
1- "Monogamy?"
2- "An open relationship?"
3- "Polyamory?"
4- "Playing the field?"

----

It really stunned me. For multiple reasons
One, I didn't think I'd ever come across that question
Two, how am I gonna answer that?

My initial response was Monogamy
Which shouldn't be a surprise in any way whatsoever.
That's how we're raised. I've covered this in a previous post
And to be fair, part of me still wants a monogamous relationship.
So of course I began questioning myself
and the nature of my polyamorous relationship
Am I doing the right thing?
What am I doing?
How am I supposed to feel?
I mean, I'm already in a polyamorous relationship
Shouldn't I be used to it by now?
Why was monogamy my first answer?
Have I been doing something wrong?
I don't know how to answer this question
What do I do?


But then I read the question again
The important part of it really caught my eye

"...for the rest of your life..."

And
with that, a whole world of answers popped in my head.
The rest of my life is either a very short, or very long time
Either way, it's still a life.
And at some point in that life
I will fall in love with someone else
And I want to know that whether it's tomorrow, next week, or a decade from now
That I can have my marriage not go to hell over a basic animal instinct.
I love my wife, with all the love I can possibly give her, and then some.
She's not going anywhere, neither am I.
We're in this shit for the long haul.
I don't want to lose that.
I may not know how to make all the right decisions
I may not know how to do everything I want
But I'm not stupid enough to let this woman walk out of my life.
So yes, I would rather be an adult about my relationships
I would rather acknowledge that yes, we will both be attracted to other people
for other reasons
and no, that doesn't mean we don't love each other
I would rather acknowledge that yes, I will love my wife more
for understanding that we are human and we need love
sometimes we are oh so lonely and we need more than just one person to share that with
I would rather know that I can have more than one person in my life to show me how special I am, to make love to, to share life experiences with, to...live.
I'd rather be honest and open about how I feel
and know that it'll be okay
than to sneak around behind her back and destroy her trust in me.

Relationships happen. they happen every goddamn day.
You don't know who you'll be attracted to, or even why sometimes.
But that's a part of life
Denying that is denying well...life.
Not to be misunderstood, it's perfectly fine to have monogamous relationships
I just want people to acknowledge that there's also nothing wrong
with finding beauty in other places.
Not everyone is gonna act on those impulses
And that's fine.
But don't deny that you're human, that you're an animal
That you lust, that you desire, that you want, that you love
that you find new connections in unexpected places
Don't deny yourself this.

I accept that one day I'll find others that tickle my fancy
I look forward to finding others that I can share my life with.

But mostly I am at peace knowing that its okay to be polyamorous.

searching

I don't have a plan.
I've never had a plan.

Not because plans don't work
but because my plans don't work.

I am often told that I don't succeed at what i do
Because I don't put 100% of myself out there to do it.
This is probably true.
I rarely put 100% of myself into anything
I'm not even sure what that means.

I guess it's being completely committed to your cause or whatever
And that's fine. I can completely understand that.
There are some things out there that I just know that I want
And I'm going to get those things.
For example, I'm going to start doing some homebrewing soon
Mostly because it's a passive hobby.
You do your main work on like one day
And then you let it sit for some time
Ferment
Check on it once a day or so
But mostly you just let it be.
And with a schedule like mine,
being able to have a fresh batch of homemade booze
at the end of the week would just be awesome.
My point is, there is no discussion in that.
I want to learn more about homebrewing so I will.
I've been drinking since I was a wee little lad
And I will continue to drink until I'm a bitter old man
(I mean an actual 70 year old bitter man, not the crotchety s.o.b. you currently know so well)
It seems like a very natural transition to me
I've had so many, now I want to know how it's done
So I can create my own masterpiece.

To be fair though, I'm not really that good at creating
I just love to experiment
At least, with booze anyway

Again, the point is
This is something I consider to be fact.
It's non-negotiable
It will happen.

Other things in my life however are not that concrete to me
For some reason people fail to understand this.
If I knew what it was I was supposed to be doing
I wouldn't be asking you about it
If I had a concrete anything, you'd better believe I'd figure out how to make it work.
But I don't.

I don't have a plan.
I don't know what's next.
I don't even have a hint, a clue, nothing really.

I live believing there are infinite possibilities
As long as those possibilities exist
There's never a definitive answer
And if there's no definitive answer
Then to me, it's not the right choice.

Again, what i said before, the homebrewing hobby
There are no other possibilities to me.
I may be stalled for some time for whatever reason
But at some point in time, I will complete this task.
It is something that I aim to do.

If that makes sense, great
If it doesn't...well, I'll never get it to make sense.
The closest thing I can say is this:
Life comes at me
Yes, I sit back and I wait for things to happen
Because that is how life happens to me

I live by this quotation:
"My Job:
It's not my place to run the train, the whistle I can't blow.
It's not my place to say how far the train's allowed to go.
It's not my place to shoot off steam, nor even clang the bell.
But let the damn thing jump the track...and see who catches hell"

The only thing I'm absolutely certain of in this life is that shit goes awry.
If I take risk, it was predetermined
If I am fortunate, it was foreseeable
If I want to truly understand something, I have to wait and see.

real

So next week Ariel is going off to visit Alexander
Well, it's not a direct trip, but it's close enough.
She'll be away from home for the better part of 2 weeks
(week and a half, whatever.)
And during that time I can only assume they'll see each other
at least once.
(Probably a lot more)

How do I feel about that?
To be honest, I'm not quite sure.
On the one hand, part of me is still like
Augh, wtf!
They're gonna...they're gonna have sexual relations!
Oh no!
Or rather...
It's possible they might have sexual relations!
Oh no!

I guess that's both my fear and something I'm critically aware of.
It's also difficult for me to really break it down
Because well, I just don't know that many people that I could talk to about it.
To be fair, I'll probably just end up telling some random bar patron about it
That usually makes me feel better
But it also sucks for the sheer reason that most people just don't get it

I mean, that's what poly relationships are.
Consenting adult relationships between multiple people
where boundaries, rules and respect are demanded.

I understand this all, y'know, and it makes sense
But I just can't stop this little voice in my head that adds
"in theory"
to everything.

That's what poly relationships are (in theory)
Consenting adult...demanded ...(in theory)

It's hard to go off of "in theory"
because a theory is just a theory.
It's also one of those words that gets weird lookin if you write it out enough.
I am terrible with my explanations, I understand this
Let me try that again:

In the realm of possibilities, I understand how this is supposed to work
conceptually
In the realm of reality, it's a bit more difficult to put it into practice
Not to say there's really anything I can do to stop or change this at this point
which does eat at me on occasion

The fact of the matter is this:
My serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has another relationship with a somewhat close friend of mine
Their relationship is similar, yet also different
As it stands, I am completely aware of him
just as he is completely aware of me
We both acknowledge this, and each other's respective place in her life.
They haven't seen each other for the better part of 3 years or so
Understandably, there will be some sort of tension between the two of them
upon her arrival.
I am to understand that it is not a matter of rivalry, or replacement
but something more like a parallel.
We're headed towards the same destination
Each road is just a little different.

The question is, do I trust her and him?
Trust them to do what?
I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what they might do that I don't already know about
It's not deceptive
I'm completely aware of how they feel about each other.
Does it bother me?
A little, sure.
I'm an only child raised in a mostly single parent home
I don't particularly like to share.
I understand the need of things to be shared
How it can bring joy to many people instead of just one
That doesn't mean it's gonna change how I feel immediately.

I needed to write this out because I need to face facts.
For the better part of 2 years I'd been thinking about when this day would come
I wouldn't say I've been preparing for it
But learning how to deal with it better.
2 years ago I might've considered it cheating
I might've thought there was something wrong with me
That she wanted to leave me
That somewhere along the line, shit got fucked up.

These are all based on fears and insecurities.

And to be honest, I still have to deal with them
But that's the thing
At least I can deal with it now.
Before I probably would just break down
or better yet, just walked away.

I'm still learning to deal with this
because I can't stop the voices in my head
the things telling me that so much bad shit could happen
Has any bad shit happened yet? No
But it could!
That's what they say.

I've never seen a relationship like mine before
And that scares me
I still can't find a relationship that works as well as mine
And that scares me
I don't want this relationship to end
And that scares me
A lot of things scare me
But i don't really have much of a choice.
Part of being an adult is dealing with shit that scares you.
Sometimes it works in your favor
Sometimes it doesn't
But life doesn't really give you the choice.

I'm not sure what it is that life gives you
Does it give anything?
Or do you just kinda have to take it?

It took the better part of 20 years for me to find someone that loves and understands me
in a way that feels natural to me
That's not something I'm willing to part with easily.
On the other hand, having this poly lifestyle also means I should be able to find
other people that will be important to me
Do I have to wait another 20 years for that?

bj

Was it love or was it lust?
That's the question that's been plaguing me for most of the day.
Or was it anything at all?

Yes, it was something
of that I am to some degree certain.
Naturally, I doubt myself
but who doesn't?

I doubt myself often because I have some deep need to punish myself
Lord only knows why.
Seriously
I have some serious masochistic tendencies
I abuse the shit out of my emotions
For no good reason.

Rather, there is a reason
I know that pain
I embrace that pain
That pain is something I know I can trust in
It sounds incredibly stupid
to be fair, it is incredibly stupid
But that's just how I am.

So was it love or was it lust?
Is it passion, or was it just a burst of feeling?
A lingering feeling.
A feeling that bothers me sometimes
when I'm minding my own business.
Am I dwelling?
Yes.
Am I brooding?
Possibly, I have been known to do it on many occasions.

But why think about it?
Why now?
Could've been that book
Or maybe its just the time for it.

Because I want to -know-.
I want to be certain.
I can't go off of percentages
75% isn't enough.
I need to know

But do I really?
Is this any different than times before?
I don't know.
Is it my sheer foolishness?
Most likely.
Then what am I doing?
I haven't the slightest clue.
What should I do?
That's a hell of a good question.

What will I do?
Only time can tell.

What happened there?

Why did it happen?

Questions.
They never stop
The never cease
They do pause sometimes
and I have a period of respite

But they come back
with the same fervor.

And they always seem to go unanswered.

But I am a child of obsession
a creature of habit
a masochistic miser
and I just
keep
going.

Which moments are those we choose to hold dear to us?
Are they love, or are they lust?