Trek

Changes come.
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain
(This too will pass)
Like a kidney stone
(This too will pass)
It's just a broken heart, son
This pain will pass away.

- Puscifer - "Momma Sed"


I am quite aware this is the 2nd time in a row that I've used a song quote to begin my entry
If you don't like it
Suck it.
Plain and simple.

Music Lyrics are inspirational
They say so much
They can mean one thing at one time
and something completely different the next.
If you so choose to interpret them that way.

But why this lyric?
Why today?
I don't know.
I was listening to bands that involved Maynard James Keenan
(Tool, APC, Puscifer)
and while still realizing the genius of his music
and by genius I mean things that I'm only able to understand I as I progressively age
I come across lyrics that stick out

I find these lyrics quite often
In songs that I really like.
Some songs are all about the melody and beat
and some are about the words and the message
I don't consider myself to be all that deep
I have a terrible time writing
I lack eloquence.

For example
(Also from Puscifer)

"It's always gonna be sour grapes with you boy, until you get right with Jesus"
-Puscifer, "Sour Grapes"

...I have no idea what that song is about
I just like that line
I like the fact that it sounds like there's a huge choir in the background cosigning on everything he says.

or perhaps in this lyric

"Shaking like a pistol in an young man's hand, there in the pale moonlight"
-Justin Townes Earle, "Lone Pine Hill"

I could go on and on and on
But I forgot what I was talking about.

I really did forgot.
Like, completely.
I'm considering erasing all this writing and starting over
but I feel like that's a waste
and I'm extremely lazy
Even though all it really takes is hitting CTRL + A, Backspace.
You could do that by accident.
That would be a shame.

Especially if you're writing something really good
like a song or an essay
and you get careless
so you hit a series of buttons
and Bink
it's gone.
And you're left starting at a blinking cursor.


...I hate that blinking cursor
It haunts you
Taunts you
teases you
torments you
write something
oh wait, you can't, can you.
Like it's...better than you.

why does it exist?
Everytime you go to write something
it's there
starting you in the face.
mocking you.

Unless, of course
You have your ideas in order before you open it.
Like
a simple line
a simple lyric
a simple sentence, hell, a sentence fragment.

Then you begin to expand
You write
You blossom

Fuck you blinking cursor!
I am victoriou.

(Did that on purpose...long story...text based game...)

What was I saying?
I don't know.
Don't let the blinking cursor win.
A little part of you will die inside.

Gap Band

I hate people.
Plain and simple.

"But hate is such a strong word"
"Surely you can't mean that"
"Hate and Love are two sides of the same coin; passion"
"yeah I hate those motherfuckers too"

These are all legitimate responses to the above phrase.
That doesn't change a damn thing.

People are people
And they all have the same qualities.

Sure, everyone is an individuals
And there are things to be admired about individual personalities
But there are so many things to be despised.
People aren't perfect
I know I'm sure as hell not
And yes, perhaps I do treat it like an uphill struggle
But who doesn't?
Is there anyone out there that doesn't seek to be better than what they are?
I mean really deep down
I doubt it
Those people usually kill themselves at some point.
Very few people are content with themselves in their current lifestyle
Everyone always wants something else
It's a life full of wanting
sometimes needing
coveting
Things that you do not possess
(fuck you spell check.)

More often than not, if you get the things you really want, are you really fulfilled?
I doubt it.
Usually the things we want are paved with sideroads that take us away from the original goal in mind
So we change
We adapt
And we find new things to dream about
Or just keep pushing until we achieve -something-

I hear that's how it goes anyway.

Growing older
(Not growing up, I'm not entirely sure I'll ever do that.)
I wanted a lot of things
Not material, like a space chimp or a gyrating pony
...that last image was a bit disturbing.

I think at some point I wanted to have 100 kids
Yes
100 kids.
Why the fuck would anyone want that?
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you what I was thinking
I could use them like the puppies in 101 Dalmations (screw you SC)
No, not make fur coats out of them
...I don't even know how I thought that would work
Not a smart life decision
I abandoned the idea thusly.

At some point I wanted a younger sibling
...for various reasons...
(interpret that how you will.)
Then I realized I'd have to share my cookies.
Fuck that shit.
Those are -my- cookies.
And you know, I figure it wouldn't be healthy for me or my mother to have to deal with another possible me.
Call it consideration
Call it a cry for help
...I just don't like baby poo.

And as time progressed...like everyone else in the world
I wanted to be noticed
Still do, really.
(Who doesn't)
Not always to become famous or have my name written in the history book
( though I sure as hell wasn't opposed to it)
but because I figure the hire you progress in the popularity chain
the more interesting people you get to meet

You see, I used to like people
I used to like people a lot
I always wanted to know so much information about everyone else
Everyone seemed so interesting
So many cracks and crevices
So many things in the nooks and crannies
Secrets and Plots
Truths and Lies
It used to be exhilarating
(Particularly in women)
(Be offended if you want to, but women are crazy)
I spent so much of my times wondering why people behaved the way they do.
In my younger years
Every action seemed so independent
So...unrestricted.

I've since learned differently.

That's not to say that people aren't still interesting
You've got some pretty crazy motherfuckers out there
And even ordinary Bob Smith's got a few tales to tell you

I've just lost my patience to deal with it.

Before
When we were children
It was a challenge to find out about everyone
Because they simply existed
Children are natural
They don't try to stick out like the deflated balloon in the parade
Although they often do
You can notice a child from quite a distance before you even conceive of where the parents are
(I am aware that this sounds like Stalker behavior)
(And to that I say: Bite Me and go back to your cats and Matlock)

Children are interesting
Adults, less so
Everyone's out to prove who they are
Instead of letting it come out naturally.

Everyone tries so hard
Too fucking hard.
I don't know why
And I damn sure don't give a flying fuck anymore.


...and I'm tired of motherfuckers asking me about mundane shit.
If something changes and I get a new pair of pants, I'll let you know.

FCRDC

You're hot, then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
(We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up)

You, you don't really want to say, no
You, but you don't really want to go

*Katy Perry - "Hot N Cold"
----

I put that one line in parenthesis because I don't particularly care for it
No other reason.
The rest of the song is...well, I don't particularly care about that either
The chorus is catchy
Until the line in parenthesis.
Why post that part of the song?
Why now?
I don't know.
It's stuck in my head.

Many things get stuck in my head.
Like that Comcast commercial
You know
The one where the kids are "programming"
The script looks a little something like this:

Kid 1: The javascript library is down!
Kid 2: Can you salvage it?
Kid 1: We're stuck in an endless loop
*chair wheels behind them*
Kid 3: Bypass the interface.

...I hate kid 3.
I hate the person that wrote that script
I hate the person who thought it'd be clever to put that shit on television.
It is full of failure
And the very existence of that sentence fragment in that part of the universe
Annoys the shit out of me.
I mean, it's like they took a bunch of words they didn't think anyone would know
And just threw them together.
This is not politics
You're not winning any votes this way
I don't feel like I was promised anything
In fact, I'm sure that if I wasn't already a Comcast customer, I damn sure wouldn't be now.

I don't know what it is about that commercial that irks me
I think it's just the way that the kid says it
He's just so...sure that he's right
I know there's got to be some other kid in that office that's shaking his head
thinking to himself
"Man that guy is an idiot."
But people are determined to believe he's right
Because he doesn't think he could possibly be wrong.

That says a lot really.
That's how people are
Like sheep sometimes
They don't know that they could be being lead to the slaughter
They're just so convinced that this one sheep knows where he's going
And he's so convinced that he has to be right because no one else can be.
And then you've got the one sitting on the side just shaking his head
Wondering
Can they really be that stupid?

...I'm exaggerating of course, I'm not entirely sure sheep have coherent thoughts like that.
I don't know what sheep think
Or if they think at all
Maybe it's like a Disney movie with all animals.
It could happen.


People can't really be that stupid, can they?
Yes, they can.
You know handfuls of people that are as offended as you
But think about why that is
You're all in the same environment
There was obviously some similar thread that got you there
Think about all the people that aren't in your environment
The people that don't understand the things that you do
That don't realize when things are out of place
Not because they're necessarily stupid
But because they're ignorant.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing
It just means you don't know.
It's not always your fault
You just don't know.

I think as time progresses, those of us that seek power
Really take this knowledge into heart
People are fairly ignorant
While there are always a few that understand your thinking
There are hundreds, thousands, sometimes millions that don't
These are the ones you make believe what you want them to believe
It takes time to master of course
And it becomes childsplay.
People are predictable
Predictably stupid
and Predictably ignorant
(most times)

The selfish see this as a means to climb to power
The selfless see this is a means to help or protect.

I guess it's just what you make of it
Knowledge can be a terrible thing.

Tires

I have been noticeably absent recently
Don't cry
You'll get over it.

But that's just how it is sometimes.
I will return soon with more things to ponder on
For now
You get nothing.
But you'll be alright.

...Probably.

Auras

I had to write this one down
It's too good for me not to explore.

I want to talk about Auras.
Or at least what I understand them to be.
Don't get me wrong, I could be completely mislead
But I really can't think of another word for it.
Aura...just closely relates to what I'm thinking.

Let's say that your Aura is the air around you that you give off
Some people say it's colors, some people say it's a certain kind of heat
Some people say it's a certain tune that only you let out and other people hear.
It may be all of these
It may be none of these
But the fact remains that there is certain something between people that allows
someone else to sense certain things about you.
Could be smell, could be an otherworldly sense, could be anything
For the sake of today's discussion, I call it an Aura.

I bring this to the table today because of a discussion that arised
And much like some of my earlier work, the words just came flowing from my mind
And 9 out of 10 times, it ends up sounding philosophical, even if it isn't.

This...Aura that you give off, is specific to you of course
It's something only you can control
Even if you don't know you can do it.
Yet
to some extent there's small bits of it that we all understand
Like...even toddlers for example
While they can't necessarily talk, they can put off a sort of air around them
It's just the basic needs mostly, because they're new to the world
They only have need of sleep, eating, and expulsion of fecal matter.
Parents are most receptive to it
And most females
Because most females have some air of nurture about them
They have an innate ability to care for the young
Not to say that men can't do so
Just that women tend to be more receptive.
Parents, for a variety of reasons are particularly sensitive to the child
Because they are direct offspring
The child gives off an air that resonates with the original parents
The parents recognize it and interpret it as what the child needs.
It's very basic, yet...it needs no words
Because there is an Aura about the child.

As you progress through age, you learn to use the Aura for different things
If you learn to use it all, which most people do for one reason or another.
Some of the basics are forgotten, and for some time people forget how they are doing
whatever it is that they are doing.
You no longer have to give off the air of hunger or sleepiness because it's understood.
Again, particularly by parents.

Now, before I go further
Let's discuss the nature of an Aura
What's in it? What is it? What makes it? What drives it?
From what I can surmise
the closest word I can think of is...desire.
The kind of aura you push out is that of what you desire.
In some cases it's a kind of heat because you may desire someone carnally
In other cases it may be a color because of your attitude for the day
It's ever changing
I suppose it could also be similar to someone's soul
The very essence of their being

Yet, we're all human, so there's something common in all human auras
An understanding that we all share similar emotions
There's no need for an extra layer of translation between two people meeting.
Some bodies understand this more than others
Females in particular, they are very receptive to auras that people put out
Some males share the gift.

Guys face the problem of not being able to read or feel other peoples auras
So they have this innate urge to make their presence known
Thus an air of dominance, an aura of confidence.

Controlling these...auras is something different entirely
I suppose it can be done by anyone
If they learn to understand it.

I won't lie and say that I've mastered myself and my aura
because that's a lie
But I have come to believe that there are certain parts of it that I do understand
And that I can manipulate.

I bring this up because from what I hear from other people
People are attracted to me
Not sexually (well, sometimes...I am kinda cute.)
But that there's an air about me that sort of draws people
Now, I don't necessarily believe this
But I do think that I have the ability to sense and push out my own aura.

For an example
(This is a bad one)
Everytime I sit on the subway to work
I wish that no one talks to me
yet
I twist this air with a sense that I want -certain people- to talk to me
Which gives off this weird feeling of a closed aura with open holes.
This usually draws interest from people
Not always in a good way
I do get a lot of homeless people asking me for change that way.
I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way
They don't generally want people to talk them
They're just waiting for certain people to do so
So they have an Aura that's only half closed
People walking by can sense that there's something different about the person
And some people use it to their advantage
Homeless people for example seem to be exceptionally receptive to these
Mostly because the people that have these auras look like giant teddy bears with wide eyes.

Now me, I know homeless people like to ask me for change
So I try to push off the aura of "Leave me alone"
But I try too hard, so it stands out in the crowd
Which obviously draws the attention of those people trying to be receptive.

And here we have the innate problem of trying to control your own aura
You can make it different
You can change it how you want to
But it will be noticed.
By both the people you do and don't want to notice it
Because it's loud, damn it.
Haven't you ever met those people?
They walk in, and you -know- they just walked in.
That shit is loud.
But damned if they don't have that air about them.
That...confidence.
And that's what draws people to them
Either because their interested on how to do it themselves
Or because it's just innately curious to them.

...
My apologies, I've be come sidetracked.
I had some more things I wanted to point out, but I'm afraid that will have to wait for another time.

Not a topic.

Recently I've taken to writing about sexuality.
Mostly because I consider it a rather large portion of my life.
Not to say that I'm addicted to sex or anything
(Though I might be, I'm not really sure yet.)
I've just always been interested in it.

The thing is
I usually write things from my own experiences
Since I mean, that's the best way to learn something

...I don't know where I thought I was going with that.
I'll be honest here

I'm writing this today because I'm a little bit frustrated.
Sexually, that is.
I mean, I know everyone gets to that point a lot
That doesn't make it any less annoying, trust me.

People always say things like "Oh, I haven't had sex in 3 months"
or the "I've never actually had sex"
So as to make you feel somehow better about the fact
That you're not currently rolling around in another persons sweat.
Say "ew" if you want to
You're probably a virgin.
That was mean, I know
but truthful.

...Never heard a woman complain about sweat if she's getting that good dick.
Yes, I said it
That good dick.
A good hot dicking.
Does that offend you?
Probably not.
It makes me laugh.
If you're not laughing
You're too uptight
And probably need a good hot dicking.
(Dr. Tran can give it to you.)

What does that term mean you ask?
It's really not that hard to figure out
Obviously it involves a dick and someone getting dicked down
Or
Penetrated
Fucked
Sexed
Plowed
Stuffed
...stop me if you've heard any of these before.
Slammed
Rammed
Whammed
Porked
(I still don't know where they came up with that one)
Things like that.

Clearly you can tell by my abrasive language that I really don't give a fuck tonight
There's a reason for that.
See
I have a libido
A fairly strong one at that.
Simply put
A libido
(to me)
is your sex drive.
(i don't care what it actually is, that's what it means to me)

That part of you that feels compelled to "do the deed"
with another...body...substance...thing.

Yes, this is horniness.

As far as I'm concerned, there are different types of horniness
The first is the basic type that most people have
which is usually a compulsion to release your tension through some form of ejaculation.
That one's easy enough to solve
Go get some lotion/lube, a towel and a porn flick
You'll be just fine.
After this, one usually feels a bit less stressed and more able to cope with his/her day.
(Note: this is a daily thing for guys
Some of it is to relieve stress, but most of it is out of sheer boredom)
I can't explain why it is that women don't masturbate as much
They let a lot of that tension build up before they do anything about it.
(...does that somehow make release even better?
Hmm...sounds like a hypothesis)

No, that's not what I suffer from today.

The second is a compulsory desire to be intimate with another person
That's the kind of sex when there's enough tension in the air to cut it with a spoon
Someone needs to get dicked down, quick.
This is less common than the initial libido stab, but still quite common
It grows with silence and slight movements
It can sometimes be unbearable
Mostly because communication between the two bodies is sporadic if existent at all.
One body usually says "Damn, I want that"
And the other body says "Damn I want that"
but they're both so loud they don't hear the other.
Then you slip into "Damn I want that...does that want this?"
Which can be a mistake
or
it can lead to
"Damn I want that...I'm going to have it now."
Then
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am
Hot Dickings all around.
(Fuck you spell check, dickings is word.)


The third is the urge to fulfill a desire of some sort
to live out a fantasy that you probably have had for quite some time
This can include anything from doing it doggy style, to spankings to stockings to licking sour cream off of nipples
Hell, I don't know, I'm not that fucking creative, use your goddamn imagination.
You get the point.
This is a kind of horniness that doesn't really go away
It likes to stick around and fuck with you a lot.
It gets infinitely more frustrating as time goes by.
I mean
It's fucking great if you ever get to fulfill it
but the time you have to wait for it absofuckinglutely ricockulous

It's desires like this that make the people you consider weird or "just downright wrong"
(necrophiliacs, dendrophiliacs, pedophiles, scat-people, etc)
Do what they do.
I'm telling you
That shit doesn't go away.
It sticks to you like...little mexican children selling Chiclets.
(Yea, I said it, I know it's racist
Shit, goto Nogales and see if you don't find out what I mean)

As time progresses and you get a little closer to fulfilling those desires
each let down gets progressively worse and more damaging to your ego
and libido.
Seriously.

I speak so frankly about it because obviously I have a lot to say on the matter
Yes, I do believe that I'm suffering from these issues currently.
I'll let you guess which one.


I'm just saying
Talking about it doesn't make it less annoying
Having other people tell you about their sexual mistakes doesn't make it better.
Annoying is annoying.

So what do you do to not be annoyed?
That, my friends, is the million dollar question.

And don't say "I turn that energy into something positive like exercise"
You're a goddamn liar.
You don't exercise because your horny
You exercise because you want to feel better about yourself.
Fucking liars.
All of you.

Well, not all of you.
But enough of you.
Deceitful, deceitful people.
For shame.

Sexuality (2 of ∞) - Ponder

I wasn't planning on writing this today
But I was kindly informed by a friend of mine
That I should continue

So I shall.

These past week or so has been very tiring and busy
So I haven't really thought about much
Which means a few things
I could not be as sharp
Or
I could be sharper.
I'll let you think about that for a minute.
(It's okay if it means nothing to you...
wait a fucking second, why does "okay" get a red squiggly line
This makes no sense.
I bet this thing thinks conversate is a word
No, I was wrong.
Now I'm just confused.)

By the way, "Conversate" is not a word
(You can have a conversation, you can converse with something
But you can't conversate.
Shit doesn't even make sense.)

Alas, I digress once more
Something I am infamous for.

Sexuality, in its entirety
(wow, I'm surprised that's a word)
Is a vast, and mostly untouchable thing
So yes, I do hesitate on what to talk about next.

I mean
There's just so much to talk about
People have been publishing books on these things for years
People spend their whole lives devoted to it
And they -still- can't explain it
Not all of it anyway.

There's just too much to cover
Maybe
I think you have to take it slowly
Treat the study more like a child
Than a lego set.
(I fucking love legos)

I'm a kinesthetic learner
Like a lot of people
(Kinesthetic more or less means the "hands on" approach)
I would say I'm about 60% Kinesthetic and 35% Visual
Which, if you can do math properly
Leads you to the 5% of Auditory learning
(I just don't listen)
(Yea, I said it, I'm not ashamed)
(I don't listen for shit.)

In the case of Sex
Whether it's foreplay, intercourse, masturbation, orgasm or just plain cuddlin'
There are certain things you can only learn from the Hands On approach
Literally.

Obviously, you never quite know how to deal with another persons body
It's awkward
That's just how it is.
I mean, there does come a time if you've been with so many people
That you have a fairly good idea of how to handle it
But there's still a lot of awkwardness.

Sex is awkward
There's a lot of bumping
Rubbing
Moving
Sweating
Sometimes scratching
Heavy breathing
Confusion
Excitement
and Doubt.

They're all there.
They always have been
And they always will be.
It's what makes it so damn fun.
You never exactly know how it's going to turn out
It's got that element of mystery in it.
Or if it doesn't
That's usually when people go seeking it elsewhere
(i.e. affairs, trysts, hookers)
(Not that there's much mystery in a hooker, you know exactly what you're paying for)

But it's meant to be that way
Or so I assume.

Take this quotation:

"Holding Naoko in my arms, I wanted to explain to her,
'I am having sex with you now. I am inside you. But really this is nothing. It doesn't matter.
It is nothing but the joining of two bodies. All we are doing is telling each other things that can only be told by the rubbing together of two imperfect lumps of flesh.
By doing this, we are sharing our imperfection'"
(Haruki Murakami - "Norwegian Wood")

(No, I don't know if I cited that correctly
I just spent the past 6 minutes looking up ways to do it
And nothing relevant came up.
Thanks Internet, you always know the answer.)

I think that's a pretty good description
That's what it is
Two imperfect bodies coming together
sharing their imperfection
Recognizing it in each other
And celebrating it
in a matter of speaking.

Yet it's through that acknowledgment
That we find a primal state of being.
I know I said this before
It helps along the road to enlightment
You are imperfect
And so is everyone else.

Which is why
You have to take the hands on approach
You have to feel it out
Understand it
("it" being that almost insatiable desire to paw another's flesh)
Control it
Not necessarily tame it
but channel it.

There's a lot of heat and passion that goes into good sex
(I said good sex, not all sex)
Sometimes sex is just y'know
someone rubbing themselves in/on someone else until they release
I don't particularly care for that
I don't really see the point.
You can masturbate alone
Why misuse the company of another body
You can feel it, feed off it it, meld their desires with your own
And slip into a new kind of pleasure entirely.
But again, I digress.

I've digressed a lot actually
Almost to the point that I've forgotten what I meant to be talking about.
I apologize
You didn't come here to hear me rant on and on
Or maybe you did
If that's the case

...you're weird.

I think I said all of this to say that sex is awkward
It's pleasurable, yes.
Extremely pleasurable.

But there's always that milestone to get over
Especially for Virgins, people with Anxiety and Nerve Problems
Or even your Joe Averages.

We're human
We don't know it all
We share this with others
And are comforted

...It's okay to not know.
(Fucking squiggly lines)


You just have to learn to embrace pleasure.
Look past the could, would, should, can, and cannots
Just focus on what to do.
Seek pleasure
Find pleasure
Embrace it.