I'm faced with some decisions
...lately
not just right now
It's been a couple of months actually
I just tend not to think about them all the time
Because it makes my stomach feel...
...empty.
It's fear.
I know it is
And it...well, it sucks.
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the negative
Fear of....failure.
It's a lot of different things
But when it comes down to it
I'm just afraid.
Scared, even.
Why?
Because I'm human
And one of my natural impulses is to stay put
Where I know how to deal with things
But
Apparently I don't know how to deal with things
If I feel a change is in order.
It's a weird cycle.
I know I need to move
I don't need to pay so much money to live in a room
When I could be living somewhere nicer
...in an apartment.
I mean really...
...in this economy?
I know I need to get in school
Because I'm broke
and I can't afford $800 loan payments
(for a school that I hated.)
There are a lot of things that I need to do
That need to be done
That need to be dealt with.
But I'm stuck.
Paralyzed with fear.
Why?
I don't know.
What do I have to lose?
Really?
Nothing.
If I'm declined
I move along.
Or...
Maybe that's why I'm scared
I want so bad for something to happen
That if it doesn't
I'd feel crushed.
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated.
...it's a bit melodramatic, sure
But we all feel this way at some point or another.
So what do you do to deal with fear?
You can't really shun it
"I don't believe in fear"
...that doesn't really work for me.
Hell
I'm scared of bugs
Yea that's right
I said it
I'm scared of bugs.
So sue me.
...does that stop me from dealing with (read: killing) them?
No.
It startles me sometimes
But I still have to get the job done.
...have to.
There's a novel concept.
"Have To"
...
We do things in life because we Have To.
It's that simple.
Because we must
In order to live
to survive
to...be happy?
...in the long run, I suppose.
But
We Have To.
We eat...because We Have To
We drink...because We Have To
We shit...because We Have To.
We have sex...because it feels good...I mean...because We Have To (reproduce)
It's a daunting thing
A looming presence
A foreshadowing monster
That's always there
Always pressing
Pushing your nerves
Bustin' your chops
Forcing you to strive.
It's a compelling argument
...not initially though
But it always makes its way through
Always.
...Always.
Which makes you think
What is fear
Other than a means of distraction
From what you Have To do?
Interesting thoughts.
What purpose does it serve
Other than to stifle your progress?
It doesn't seem very beneficial
Unless you count the supposed Courage
that one acquires from "conquering" their fears
The affirmation that you could in fact complete your task
The affirmation that you are in fact a strong-willed person
The affirmation that fear was irrelevant.
...I don't know
That's too deep for me.
Let's keep it on the basic level.
Fear = bad.
that's pretty much it.
And now
Despite the heavy chains that seem to be weighing down my body
I have to call someone
...see
there it goes again
"Have To".
...damn.
...lately
not just right now
It's been a couple of months actually
I just tend not to think about them all the time
Because it makes my stomach feel...
...empty.
It's fear.
I know it is
And it...well, it sucks.
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the negative
Fear of....failure.
It's a lot of different things
But when it comes down to it
I'm just afraid.
Scared, even.
Why?
Because I'm human
And one of my natural impulses is to stay put
Where I know how to deal with things
But
Apparently I don't know how to deal with things
If I feel a change is in order.
It's a weird cycle.
I know I need to move
I don't need to pay so much money to live in a room
When I could be living somewhere nicer
...in an apartment.
I mean really...
...in this economy?
I know I need to get in school
Because I'm broke
and I can't afford $800 loan payments
(for a school that I hated.)
There are a lot of things that I need to do
That need to be done
That need to be dealt with.
But I'm stuck.
Paralyzed with fear.
Why?
I don't know.
What do I have to lose?
Really?
Nothing.
If I'm declined
I move along.
Or...
Maybe that's why I'm scared
I want so bad for something to happen
That if it doesn't
I'd feel crushed.
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated.
...it's a bit melodramatic, sure
But we all feel this way at some point or another.
So what do you do to deal with fear?
You can't really shun it
"I don't believe in fear"
...that doesn't really work for me.
Hell
I'm scared of bugs
Yea that's right
I said it
I'm scared of bugs.
So sue me.
...does that stop me from dealing with (read: killing) them?
No.
It startles me sometimes
But I still have to get the job done.
...have to.
There's a novel concept.
"Have To"
...
We do things in life because we Have To.
It's that simple.
Because we must
In order to live
to survive
to...be happy?
...in the long run, I suppose.
But
We Have To.
We eat...because We Have To
We drink...because We Have To
We shit...because We Have To.
We have sex...because it feels good...I mean...because We Have To (reproduce)
It's a daunting thing
A looming presence
A foreshadowing monster
That's always there
Always pressing
Pushing your nerves
Bustin' your chops
Forcing you to strive.
It's a compelling argument
...not initially though
But it always makes its way through
Always.
...Always.
Which makes you think
What is fear
Other than a means of distraction
From what you Have To do?
Interesting thoughts.
What purpose does it serve
Other than to stifle your progress?
It doesn't seem very beneficial
Unless you count the supposed Courage
that one acquires from "conquering" their fears
The affirmation that you could in fact complete your task
The affirmation that you are in fact a strong-willed person
The affirmation that fear was irrelevant.
...I don't know
That's too deep for me.
Let's keep it on the basic level.
Fear = bad.
that's pretty much it.
And now
Despite the heavy chains that seem to be weighing down my body
I have to call someone
...see
there it goes again
"Have To".
...damn.
