I'm sorry
But I have to write something here today
I have to because I find myself loosing sleep
I have to because I find myself thinking about
Trivial things again and again and again.
I need...to write down ideas
I need to know where I'm going
And where I came from
Because quite frankly, I'm a bit lost.
Which isn't really all that unusual
Most of the time I don't particularly care about it
Because there's always something that finds me.
Recently my girlfriend, or lover, or future spouse, soulmate, or companion, mi corazon, other fancy names and so on
Proposed to me the idea of a polyamorous relationship.
Which, given our age and surroundings seems like a great idea
But there's one little problem with it
Me.
There's so much feeling and though I have tied up in the idea
that I don't even know where to begin.
I mean really, I haven't the slightest clue.
I've been trying to get a hold of myself on the matter
but it's a very, very, very difficult process.
Perhaps one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with.
First of all, lets define polyamory as I see it.
Poly, meaning many
Amor, meaning love
Polyamory is the concept of having many loves in one's life.
To further this conversation, I suppose we must also define what love is.
Honestly, that may not be possible, so lets see if we can't come up with one along the way.
Polyamory is a deeper concept than I would like to admit
It has less to do with physical intimacy and more to do with
Embracing and accepting love and feelings for more than one person.
Granted, polyamorous people are often seen as sexual deviants, taking part in many
different sexual acts with many different people
(Which may or may not be the case)
But I've since learned that its not always about the sex
(Although, we cannot deny that it does have at least something to do with it
After all, what is an intimate relationship without touch and sensuality?)
More so...just, loving a person.
Loving people.
Being open to the idea that you can and will fall in love with more than just one person
And that it is okay to have these feelings
And it is also okay to act on these feelings.
Embracing them to find out more about yourself and what life has to offer.
By limiting yourself to just one person
You limit that person as well.
You deny yourself both experiences and life lessons that very well could change
your entire life.
By denying you or anyone else the right to love another person
you deprive them of what it means to be human and to love with your heart.
By embracing this, you can find a world beyond conventional means
Beyond the dull confines of society and those around you
And experience...happiness, true pleasure...and joy.
Much like being bi-sexual, it's not about being greedy
It's about opening yourself to what life has to offer and being able to enjoy it fully.
Yes, the traditional pairing of male and female is known as a holy union
Not to be broken
But outside of that is a world of possibilities.
So much of the world is out there offering itself to you
and you deny it out of fear and a strict adherence to the rules that you were brought up with.
Polyamory is about love
About caring, compassion
About becoming a better person
About finding new experience
About learning more about yourself, and others around you
About finding happiness
About finding companionship in many places
About...being happy.
There's so much to be said about it
Yet so little is actually said.
I recently read an excerpt from some piece of literature
(I'm not sure who wrote it or whatever, but you can find it at galadarling.com under the title "Infinite Relationships")
Which made a lot of very good points about it.
Opened my eyes to a lot of things and really made me sit down and think about what I really thought about it all.
One important point that was touched on
If all your friendships are like love affairs
Why can't your love affairs be like friendships?
I took this to mean that when you look at your friendships, you find that there's nothing required of them other than simply being there in your life
There's no specific way they are supposed to happen, and they just play themselves out.
There are no rules, no guidelines, no "it has to be like this"
Your friendships are exactly what you want them to be.
But when we speak of lovers, relationships and intimate involvement
There's so much there on how it Has To be.
Lovers are only supposed to be with each other.
There's a 1 to 1 ratio
Any thoughts outside of that relationship are wrong.
Monogamy is key.
I mean, there's a lot of it.
Think about it...when you hear that people are in a relationship
You automatically assume that there are things they have to do.
When you're in a relationship, you assume that it has to be a certain way in order for it to work.
It has to be so neatly in column A and column B.
But does life really work like that?
Is everything really so black and white?
If it was, I wouldn't be writing this entry right now, and I'd be sleeping soundly.
It's not like that at all.
You can't stop yourself from having feelings for one or many people
That's just how we are.
If we find connections with many people
We want to pursue them
To find out more about ourselves and other people
Expand our horizons
Open ourselves to things that could happen.
People often try to deny it
I know I'm very guilty of it myself.
Very often people are afraid to act on feelings that stir within them
Even though they may feel so right, so correct, so impossible to resist
We have to because it's not right according to the way we were raised.
We're so...imprinted
So...commandable
Like toy soldiers
or racecars with remotes.
Everything we think has been preprogammed that way since birth
and it's damn near impossible to see otherwise sometimes.
I suppose it's time to get to the point of all of this.
Yes, I think I've touched on the definition of polyamory enough to say what I need to say now.
I think it's clear enough that I at least have some idea on what it means to be polyamorous
What it means to love other people
What it means to love, period.
Yet, as I know these things
Putting it into practice is so goddamn difficult.
I'm sorry
I was raised to believe that people are meant to be in pairs.
Pairs
As in 2 people.
Not 3, not 5, not 11.
Just two people sharing an intimate bond with each other.
Yes, they can still have relationships with other people
Friends, Colleagues, Co-workers
But when it comes down to it
You have 1 lover.
1 Person to come home to.
1 person that knows you inside and out
1 person to be with.
Even in the case of a threesome
Yea, it's great to have sex with another person and all
Add a little spice to the relationship
But that's just about sex
Or at least, it's supposed to be.
It's always been very black and white to me.
It's like
You're born, you grow, you go to to school, you may date, you get a job, you get married, you die of old age.
...mostly.
I mean, there are obviously a dickton of details that I'm missing in there, but you get the point.
It's very linear.
I have since learned different, at least about some parts, but I really didn't expect to have my world turned upside down like that.
The problem I have is not with the idea of polyamorous relationships
Hell, I think it's great.
If you and your lover decide it's okay for both of you to have other lovers
and you all get along together, that's great.
The issue I have is as it applies to me.
I like the concept, don't get me wrong
It's just...hard as shit for me to really comprehend.
I've always been okay with the idea of being a 1 woman man.
One women for me to pretty much just give myself to.
Not to say that I want to be her all and her everything
But that we have a bond that nothing comes between.
...and honestly, that nothing else is needed.
The more I think about it, I know it seems incredibly foolish
But that's just what I've always believed.
So I'm incredibly torn between the things that I've always believed
And the idea of things that I know are true.
Knowing something is one thing, truly beliving it is something else.
These past few days I've been getting almost no good sleep
There's so much inner debate going on
So many feelings I have to deal with
So much on my mind
And I don't know what to do about it all.
On the one hand, yes I think it would be cool to give it a try
What do you really have to lose from just giving something a try?
If it works, awesome, if it doesn't then it just doesn't.
Life is way too goddamn short to not even try some things
You never know if you never just try it.
Fear be damned, just think of what opportunities lie ahead
Or don't think about it at all, let the opportunties come and see how they change your life.
On the other hand I think it's unneccesary.
Or at least, I think that's the word.
And this is where my feelings of jealousy, anger, fear and uncertainty kick in
And they do a wonderful job of beating my ass and kicking me while I'm down.
So many times I've questioned my self worth
Compared myself to ther people
Tried to figure out what makes me different from others
And finding that I am in general not a good person.
So many thoughts keeping me from understanding what i want to understand.
My girlfriend told me that what I'm feeling is fear
And my mind trying to protect me from getting hurt.
I believe that.
You can't get hurt if you never jump off the bridge, right?
But on the other hand
You'll never know just how fun that jump can be if you never try.
Honestly, I want it to stop.
I want this roller coaster to be over already.
Seriously.
But i know it won't.
It's nothing something that's easily solved overnight.
It's a constant thing
And I constantly have to keep in mind that I need to keep an open mind.
Really, a very open mind
Without the ability to see other perspectives
You're blind.
And there's nothing worse than those that are blind and refuse to admit it.
That is sheer foolishness.
I may act foolish at times, but I am not a fool.
I believe so muvh that there are things to be learned from this
I really look forward to what it is that I might discover about myself.
But by God, it is hard.
To those of you reading this
I want to clarify something.
I'm beyond giving it consideration
I've already said yes
and I stand by that decision
Although at times, I may wonder why it was that I agreed to it.
Somewhere along the lines, I had a stunning revelation
and like I told her, it felt like I'd opened windows that I forget were there.
And there is new air.
I just have to remember how to get back to that spot
That state of...a sort of nirvana
Because I need it.
I need that state of mind.
Without it, I don't know what I will do.
I'm so incredibly scared about so much
I'm afraid to be myself
I'm afraid to know myself
I'm afraid to find out things about myself.
But I'm also curious
There's a small fire there
Something telling me that I need to do this
I need this like I need air
The fire needs kindling
...I can't let it die.
I won't let it die.
...I've titled this the Polyamorous Saga because I intend to write more on this.
Now that I've opened up this can of worms
I feel I can write more freely about how I feel
and maybe in doing so, I'll help myself understand myself better.
So stay tuned, if you want to
If not, I really don't care.
This isn't about you.
But I have to write something here today
I have to because I find myself loosing sleep
I have to because I find myself thinking about
Trivial things again and again and again.
I need...to write down ideas
I need to know where I'm going
And where I came from
Because quite frankly, I'm a bit lost.
Which isn't really all that unusual
Most of the time I don't particularly care about it
Because there's always something that finds me.
Recently my girlfriend, or lover, or future spouse, soulmate, or companion, mi corazon, other fancy names and so on
Proposed to me the idea of a polyamorous relationship.
Which, given our age and surroundings seems like a great idea
But there's one little problem with it
Me.
There's so much feeling and though I have tied up in the idea
that I don't even know where to begin.
I mean really, I haven't the slightest clue.
I've been trying to get a hold of myself on the matter
but it's a very, very, very difficult process.
Perhaps one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with.
First of all, lets define polyamory as I see it.
Poly, meaning many
Amor, meaning love
Polyamory is the concept of having many loves in one's life.
To further this conversation, I suppose we must also define what love is.
Honestly, that may not be possible, so lets see if we can't come up with one along the way.
Polyamory is a deeper concept than I would like to admit
It has less to do with physical intimacy and more to do with
Embracing and accepting love and feelings for more than one person.
Granted, polyamorous people are often seen as sexual deviants, taking part in many
different sexual acts with many different people
(Which may or may not be the case)
But I've since learned that its not always about the sex
(Although, we cannot deny that it does have at least something to do with it
After all, what is an intimate relationship without touch and sensuality?)
More so...just, loving a person.
Loving people.
Being open to the idea that you can and will fall in love with more than just one person
And that it is okay to have these feelings
And it is also okay to act on these feelings.
Embracing them to find out more about yourself and what life has to offer.
By limiting yourself to just one person
You limit that person as well.
You deny yourself both experiences and life lessons that very well could change
your entire life.
By denying you or anyone else the right to love another person
you deprive them of what it means to be human and to love with your heart.
By embracing this, you can find a world beyond conventional means
Beyond the dull confines of society and those around you
And experience...happiness, true pleasure...and joy.
Much like being bi-sexual, it's not about being greedy
It's about opening yourself to what life has to offer and being able to enjoy it fully.
Yes, the traditional pairing of male and female is known as a holy union
Not to be broken
But outside of that is a world of possibilities.
So much of the world is out there offering itself to you
and you deny it out of fear and a strict adherence to the rules that you were brought up with.
Polyamory is about love
About caring, compassion
About becoming a better person
About finding new experience
About learning more about yourself, and others around you
About finding happiness
About finding companionship in many places
About...being happy.
There's so much to be said about it
Yet so little is actually said.
I recently read an excerpt from some piece of literature
(I'm not sure who wrote it or whatever, but you can find it at galadarling.com under the title "Infinite Relationships")
Which made a lot of very good points about it.
Opened my eyes to a lot of things and really made me sit down and think about what I really thought about it all.
One important point that was touched on
If all your friendships are like love affairs
Why can't your love affairs be like friendships?
I took this to mean that when you look at your friendships, you find that there's nothing required of them other than simply being there in your life
There's no specific way they are supposed to happen, and they just play themselves out.
There are no rules, no guidelines, no "it has to be like this"
Your friendships are exactly what you want them to be.
But when we speak of lovers, relationships and intimate involvement
There's so much there on how it Has To be.
Lovers are only supposed to be with each other.
There's a 1 to 1 ratio
Any thoughts outside of that relationship are wrong.
Monogamy is key.
I mean, there's a lot of it.
Think about it...when you hear that people are in a relationship
You automatically assume that there are things they have to do.
When you're in a relationship, you assume that it has to be a certain way in order for it to work.
It has to be so neatly in column A and column B.
But does life really work like that?
Is everything really so black and white?
If it was, I wouldn't be writing this entry right now, and I'd be sleeping soundly.
It's not like that at all.
You can't stop yourself from having feelings for one or many people
That's just how we are.
If we find connections with many people
We want to pursue them
To find out more about ourselves and other people
Expand our horizons
Open ourselves to things that could happen.
People often try to deny it
I know I'm very guilty of it myself.
Very often people are afraid to act on feelings that stir within them
Even though they may feel so right, so correct, so impossible to resist
We have to because it's not right according to the way we were raised.
We're so...imprinted
So...commandable
Like toy soldiers
or racecars with remotes.
Everything we think has been preprogammed that way since birth
and it's damn near impossible to see otherwise sometimes.
I suppose it's time to get to the point of all of this.
Yes, I think I've touched on the definition of polyamory enough to say what I need to say now.
I think it's clear enough that I at least have some idea on what it means to be polyamorous
What it means to love other people
What it means to love, period.
Yet, as I know these things
Putting it into practice is so goddamn difficult.
I'm sorry
I was raised to believe that people are meant to be in pairs.
Pairs
As in 2 people.
Not 3, not 5, not 11.
Just two people sharing an intimate bond with each other.
Yes, they can still have relationships with other people
Friends, Colleagues, Co-workers
But when it comes down to it
You have 1 lover.
1 Person to come home to.
1 person that knows you inside and out
1 person to be with.
Even in the case of a threesome
Yea, it's great to have sex with another person and all
Add a little spice to the relationship
But that's just about sex
Or at least, it's supposed to be.
It's always been very black and white to me.
It's like
You're born, you grow, you go to to school, you may date, you get a job, you get married, you die of old age.
...mostly.
I mean, there are obviously a dickton of details that I'm missing in there, but you get the point.
It's very linear.
I have since learned different, at least about some parts, but I really didn't expect to have my world turned upside down like that.
The problem I have is not with the idea of polyamorous relationships
Hell, I think it's great.
If you and your lover decide it's okay for both of you to have other lovers
and you all get along together, that's great.
The issue I have is as it applies to me.
I like the concept, don't get me wrong
It's just...hard as shit for me to really comprehend.
I've always been okay with the idea of being a 1 woman man.
One women for me to pretty much just give myself to.
Not to say that I want to be her all and her everything
But that we have a bond that nothing comes between.
...and honestly, that nothing else is needed.
The more I think about it, I know it seems incredibly foolish
But that's just what I've always believed.
So I'm incredibly torn between the things that I've always believed
And the idea of things that I know are true.
Knowing something is one thing, truly beliving it is something else.
These past few days I've been getting almost no good sleep
There's so much inner debate going on
So many feelings I have to deal with
So much on my mind
And I don't know what to do about it all.
On the one hand, yes I think it would be cool to give it a try
What do you really have to lose from just giving something a try?
If it works, awesome, if it doesn't then it just doesn't.
Life is way too goddamn short to not even try some things
You never know if you never just try it.
Fear be damned, just think of what opportunities lie ahead
Or don't think about it at all, let the opportunties come and see how they change your life.
On the other hand I think it's unneccesary.
Or at least, I think that's the word.
And this is where my feelings of jealousy, anger, fear and uncertainty kick in
And they do a wonderful job of beating my ass and kicking me while I'm down.
So many times I've questioned my self worth
Compared myself to ther people
Tried to figure out what makes me different from others
And finding that I am in general not a good person.
So many thoughts keeping me from understanding what i want to understand.
My girlfriend told me that what I'm feeling is fear
And my mind trying to protect me from getting hurt.
I believe that.
You can't get hurt if you never jump off the bridge, right?
But on the other hand
You'll never know just how fun that jump can be if you never try.
Honestly, I want it to stop.
I want this roller coaster to be over already.
Seriously.
But i know it won't.
It's nothing something that's easily solved overnight.
It's a constant thing
And I constantly have to keep in mind that I need to keep an open mind.
Really, a very open mind
Without the ability to see other perspectives
You're blind.
And there's nothing worse than those that are blind and refuse to admit it.
That is sheer foolishness.
I may act foolish at times, but I am not a fool.
I believe so muvh that there are things to be learned from this
I really look forward to what it is that I might discover about myself.
But by God, it is hard.
To those of you reading this
I want to clarify something.
I'm beyond giving it consideration
I've already said yes
and I stand by that decision
Although at times, I may wonder why it was that I agreed to it.
Somewhere along the lines, I had a stunning revelation
and like I told her, it felt like I'd opened windows that I forget were there.
And there is new air.
I just have to remember how to get back to that spot
That state of...a sort of nirvana
Because I need it.
I need that state of mind.
Without it, I don't know what I will do.
I'm so incredibly scared about so much
I'm afraid to be myself
I'm afraid to know myself
I'm afraid to find out things about myself.
But I'm also curious
There's a small fire there
Something telling me that I need to do this
I need this like I need air
The fire needs kindling
...I can't let it die.
I won't let it die.
...I've titled this the Polyamorous Saga because I intend to write more on this.
Now that I've opened up this can of worms
I feel I can write more freely about how I feel
and maybe in doing so, I'll help myself understand myself better.
So stay tuned, if you want to
If not, I really don't care.
This isn't about you.
