Last Night
I talked
Not for hours
But consecutive minutes, sure.
I spoke of feelings
Thoughts
Streams of consciousness
And shallow things on the top of my head
I awoke this morning
With seething hatred
Well, not seething
but a hatred to be sure.
"What kind of man allows his woman to take another lover?"
A question I've asked myself a million times
and apparently a million times more.
To this I still have no answer.
A foolish man?
A wise man?
A naive man?
A man trying to fit into a mold?
A man trying to understand his place?
A man that doesn't know much?
An ignorant man?
A happy man?
Or just a confused one?
Again
No answers.
I feel so much...resentment and bitterness
Because
it's slow-boiling.
If it were just once or twice
I could live
But it continues to...thrive
to fester deep within me
growing with each passing day
like an ulcer, a cancer
a sickeness
What is my cure?
What is my illness?
What am I doing?
I don't know.
"Do you think you need to talk to a therapist?"
she asks.
No.
I feel like that has nothing to do with anything.
I feel like I should be able to talk to
the person whose job...no, whose obligation? No, that's not it either
Whose...responsibi...no that's not right
It's no one's duty in life to listen to me.
But some people do have that choice.
I have a lot of anger
perhaps misguided
misdirected even
at the Other.
We know this
It is proven and documented fact.
But consistently I am faced with the question of
"Am I wrong?"
With no answers.
No...clue.
So I tunnel deeper within my own psyche
to unravel myself
and post new definitions of things
so I don't have to feel so bad.
But I do feel bad.
To say anything else would be a lie.
I feel quite bad
On days that I think about it.
On days that apparently I walk in on the wrong conversations.
On days when I am forced to question my own living habits.
Just how much privacy is required for two people?
For one person?
and again
Am I wrong?
Am I a fool?
Or have a stumbled onto something great
with myself holding me back
from understanding?
Of course I have my misgivings
Maybe I need a change in perspective
Maybe I just need more time
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about
Maybe I'm a fool
Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills
But I know that I'm bitter.
I'm bitter in general
because I strongly dislike people.
I can't say this is helping that opinion by the way.
I don't know where I need to be
I don't know what I need to be
I don't know when I need to be
I don't know anything
except the pit of feelings that stirs
Particularly if I see
Things.
I leave Things loosely defined
because thinking about it makes me sad.
Sometimes it comes back to me
and I think of how I feel about myself
Its not always negative
Not always positive
Not always neutral either.
But I also feel independent of myself sometimes
as if my shadow and I split in two
and I could stand next to my own image
Who's the real me?
What are we both thinking?
If I look up will he?
Will he because he's my shadow
My image
or Will he because he knows to look?
I don't even know who I'm mad at.
Me?
You?
Him?
Them?
All? Probably.
I talked
Not for hours
But consecutive minutes, sure.
I spoke of feelings
Thoughts
Streams of consciousness
And shallow things on the top of my head
I awoke this morning
With seething hatred
Well, not seething
but a hatred to be sure.
"What kind of man allows his woman to take another lover?"
A question I've asked myself a million times
and apparently a million times more.
To this I still have no answer.
A foolish man?
A wise man?
A naive man?
A man trying to fit into a mold?
A man trying to understand his place?
A man that doesn't know much?
An ignorant man?
A happy man?
Or just a confused one?
Again
No answers.
I feel so much...resentment and bitterness
Because
it's slow-boiling.
If it were just once or twice
I could live
But it continues to...thrive
to fester deep within me
growing with each passing day
like an ulcer, a cancer
a sickeness
What is my cure?
What is my illness?
What am I doing?
I don't know.
"Do you think you need to talk to a therapist?"
she asks.
No.
I feel like that has nothing to do with anything.
I feel like I should be able to talk to
the person whose job...no, whose obligation? No, that's not it either
Whose...responsibi...no that's not right
It's no one's duty in life to listen to me.
But some people do have that choice.
I have a lot of anger
perhaps misguided
misdirected even
at the Other.
We know this
It is proven and documented fact.
But consistently I am faced with the question of
"Am I wrong?"
With no answers.
No...clue.
So I tunnel deeper within my own psyche
to unravel myself
and post new definitions of things
so I don't have to feel so bad.
But I do feel bad.
To say anything else would be a lie.
I feel quite bad
On days that I think about it.
On days that apparently I walk in on the wrong conversations.
On days when I am forced to question my own living habits.
Just how much privacy is required for two people?
For one person?
and again
Am I wrong?
Am I a fool?
Or have a stumbled onto something great
with myself holding me back
from understanding?
Of course I have my misgivings
Maybe I need a change in perspective
Maybe I just need more time
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about
Maybe I'm a fool
Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills
But I know that I'm bitter.
I'm bitter in general
because I strongly dislike people.
I can't say this is helping that opinion by the way.
I don't know where I need to be
I don't know what I need to be
I don't know when I need to be
I don't know anything
except the pit of feelings that stirs
Particularly if I see
Things.
I leave Things loosely defined
because thinking about it makes me sad.
Sometimes it comes back to me
and I think of how I feel about myself
Its not always negative
Not always positive
Not always neutral either.
But I also feel independent of myself sometimes
as if my shadow and I split in two
and I could stand next to my own image
Who's the real me?
What are we both thinking?
If I look up will he?
Will he because he's my shadow
My image
or Will he because he knows to look?
I don't even know who I'm mad at.
Me?
You?
Him?
Them?
All? Probably.
