This is ridiculous.
I'm up at damn near 5 in the morning.
I've been up for an hour.
Why?
Because there's an enormous amount of tension in my body.
Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep like that.
What kind of tension?
Some of it is sexual, sure.
Some of it is back pain from work
Some of it is because I can't wipe these images from my head
and that is causing me to be jilted awake
every 40 minutes or so.
The thing is, half of me doesn't want to erase these images
They...assist me
But they also drive me crazy.
It's like dreaming about a hot pizza or a sandwich or something.
Part of you wants to continue to think about how marvelous the pizza is
The other part of you just wants to get up and eat.
And there's a whole other part that says
"It's 4 in the fucking morning, go back to sleep"
Supposing of course that you've decided you're going to have the pizza
It's just a question of whether or not you continue to tease yourself
(thus making the pizza even better)
or to just sate your urges and be done with it.
It's another thing entirely if you dream of the pizza
Know that you're going to have it
But also know the store isn't open at 4 in the morning
so you have to wait until it does.
How do you function?
On the one hand, you're dead set on it
On the other hand, you have no choice but to wait.
And so you sit
Restless.
Waiting.
On some form of edge
And you might be irritable.
Depends on the time of day.
I used an example of food
But I suppose a more appropriate example
would be sex.
Sex is much more tempting than a pizza
(Even if you're under the influence)
You can't think about sex all night
and then not do something about it.
It drives you crazy.
Hormones are the hardest partying motherfuckers out there.
Once they get started
You're screwed
(And you probably want to be)
But you can't just tell them to go away.
Because they won't.
They don't give a good goddamn how you feel.
So what do you do?
Masturbate?
If it is purely sexual urges, that might help.
But there are no guarantees.
Nothing takes the place of sex...except sex.
Nothing replaces intimacy except intimacy.
These are only made worse by thinking about the times
You let opportunity knock while you fiddled with the remote to the TV.
So now
You just suffer.
And you wait.
And it makes you awake at 4 in the morning
Writing posts
about why the fuck you're up
at 4 in the damn morning.
I digress.
Now that I've let that out
Its time to take a look at myself through my actions.
I find myself in a situation
Where I have the ability
To make things happen.
But I fear
many things.
Or rather
I feared many things.
I don't fear as much now
But I do fear
that feeling will return.
Which would suck.
I realize, perpetually
That I'm rather sensitive.
Not like a sixth sense or anything
But rather, as my friend used to put it
I'm "soft like ice cream".
I'd like to think I've at least frozen up a bit more
Maybe got some frostbite or something
But I'm still pretty soft.
That is to say
I spend time thinking
and worrying
About making sure everyone else is comfortable
That I don't cross someone else's borders
That I be respectful and thoughtful.
And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
There's a difference between being respectful
And being a doormat.
Respectful is inviting someone into your house
Being a doormat...is well, being a damn doormat.
You should never let people walk on or over you
That is not okay.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Friends, Lovers, Parents.
No one.
That's detrimental to one's self-image.
And lord knows that's the last thing people need in this day and age.
My...condition, as it were
Often leads me to bouts of inaction
or passive action.
Both things I need to work on, yes I'm aware.
(I'm getting better about it)
(Albeit slowly)
The best thing you can do
Is admitting that you even have issues.
From there it's a battle, sure
But you're not going in there blind
And that's important.
My inaction often arises
out of a desire to...
...how do you say...
keep a distance.
I feel like I can have a tendency
To be a bit...much sometimes.
Not very often
(it seems most of my friends think I'm quite aloof)
(I am, but I am not)
But it is difficult for me to realize when I'm doing it.
There are times when I hate beating around the bush
Like...
Two people walking to a door...that can only fit one person at a time.
Instead of doing that awkward thing where you glance at each other
as both of you kind of speed up
and the winner is whoever gets there first and does the silent "yes!"
I'd rather be like
"Look, clearly one of us can fit through here. I could be a jackass and just run, or I could let you go first because you have a baby carriage, Go on"
Or even so much as I'll just wait for them to go first.
Most of the time people just look at me like
"Wait, we're not racing?"
No.
No we're not.
I don't care that much
(besides, you'd eat my dust)
(Bitch.)
But there are times when this approach can be seen as
...invasive, or too abrupt.
So I refrain, because I must.
Which of course leads me to doubting my actions
Which leads to the perpetual cycle that goes on in my head
That I can't seem to get away from until
I'm sitting here at 5 in the morning
Trying to figure out what to do with myself.
Eventually I know it all pans itself out
And it's just a matter of time and patience.
But y'know
sometimes we hate to be patient.
We want it here
and we want it now.
But that's not how it is.
Not all the time anyway.
Impulsive, foolish, rash
These are all things commonly associated with people's (stupid) actions
Because we just don't want to wait.
But we have to.
Why?
Because pizza takes time to cook, duh.
Unless you want to be sick.
I'm up at damn near 5 in the morning.
I've been up for an hour.
Why?
Because there's an enormous amount of tension in my body.
Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep like that.
What kind of tension?
Some of it is sexual, sure.
Some of it is back pain from work
Some of it is because I can't wipe these images from my head
and that is causing me to be jilted awake
every 40 minutes or so.
The thing is, half of me doesn't want to erase these images
They...assist me
But they also drive me crazy.
It's like dreaming about a hot pizza or a sandwich or something.
Part of you wants to continue to think about how marvelous the pizza is
The other part of you just wants to get up and eat.
And there's a whole other part that says
"It's 4 in the fucking morning, go back to sleep"
Supposing of course that you've decided you're going to have the pizza
It's just a question of whether or not you continue to tease yourself
(thus making the pizza even better)
or to just sate your urges and be done with it.
It's another thing entirely if you dream of the pizza
Know that you're going to have it
But also know the store isn't open at 4 in the morning
so you have to wait until it does.
How do you function?
On the one hand, you're dead set on it
On the other hand, you have no choice but to wait.
And so you sit
Restless.
Waiting.
On some form of edge
And you might be irritable.
Depends on the time of day.
I used an example of food
But I suppose a more appropriate example
would be sex.
Sex is much more tempting than a pizza
(Even if you're under the influence)
You can't think about sex all night
and then not do something about it.
It drives you crazy.
Hormones are the hardest partying motherfuckers out there.
Once they get started
You're screwed
(And you probably want to be)
But you can't just tell them to go away.
Because they won't.
They don't give a good goddamn how you feel.
So what do you do?
Masturbate?
If it is purely sexual urges, that might help.
But there are no guarantees.
Nothing takes the place of sex...except sex.
Nothing replaces intimacy except intimacy.
These are only made worse by thinking about the times
You let opportunity knock while you fiddled with the remote to the TV.
So now
You just suffer.
And you wait.
And it makes you awake at 4 in the morning
Writing posts
about why the fuck you're up
at 4 in the damn morning.
I digress.
Now that I've let that out
Its time to take a look at myself through my actions.
I find myself in a situation
Where I have the ability
To make things happen.
But I fear
many things.
Or rather
I feared many things.
I don't fear as much now
But I do fear
that feeling will return.
Which would suck.
I realize, perpetually
That I'm rather sensitive.
Not like a sixth sense or anything
But rather, as my friend used to put it
I'm "soft like ice cream".
I'd like to think I've at least frozen up a bit more
Maybe got some frostbite or something
But I'm still pretty soft.
That is to say
I spend time thinking
and worrying
About making sure everyone else is comfortable
That I don't cross someone else's borders
That I be respectful and thoughtful.
And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
There's a difference between being respectful
And being a doormat.
Respectful is inviting someone into your house
Being a doormat...is well, being a damn doormat.
You should never let people walk on or over you
That is not okay.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Friends, Lovers, Parents.
No one.
That's detrimental to one's self-image.
And lord knows that's the last thing people need in this day and age.
My...condition, as it were
Often leads me to bouts of inaction
or passive action.
Both things I need to work on, yes I'm aware.
(I'm getting better about it)
(Albeit slowly)
The best thing you can do
Is admitting that you even have issues.
From there it's a battle, sure
But you're not going in there blind
And that's important.
My inaction often arises
out of a desire to...
...how do you say...
keep a distance.
I feel like I can have a tendency
To be a bit...much sometimes.
Not very often
(it seems most of my friends think I'm quite aloof)
(I am, but I am not)
But it is difficult for me to realize when I'm doing it.
There are times when I hate beating around the bush
Like...
Two people walking to a door...that can only fit one person at a time.
Instead of doing that awkward thing where you glance at each other
as both of you kind of speed up
and the winner is whoever gets there first and does the silent "yes!"
I'd rather be like
"Look, clearly one of us can fit through here. I could be a jackass and just run, or I could let you go first because you have a baby carriage, Go on"
Or even so much as I'll just wait for them to go first.
Most of the time people just look at me like
"Wait, we're not racing?"
No.
No we're not.
I don't care that much
(besides, you'd eat my dust)
(Bitch.)
But there are times when this approach can be seen as
...invasive, or too abrupt.
So I refrain, because I must.
Which of course leads me to doubting my actions
Which leads to the perpetual cycle that goes on in my head
That I can't seem to get away from until
I'm sitting here at 5 in the morning
Trying to figure out what to do with myself.
Eventually I know it all pans itself out
And it's just a matter of time and patience.
But y'know
sometimes we hate to be patient.
We want it here
and we want it now.
But that's not how it is.
Not all the time anyway.
Impulsive, foolish, rash
These are all things commonly associated with people's (stupid) actions
Because we just don't want to wait.
But we have to.
Why?
Because pizza takes time to cook, duh.
Unless you want to be sick.
