thoughts.

I count ceiling tiles.

I count them once

Then I count them again

I count how many are from the right corner

I count how many are from the left

I use perimeter and area formulas

using each tile as an individual scale

Then I count them individually

I count ceiling tiles

until it's time to leave.

That's what I do.

I count change.

I have a small bucket that I keep pocket change in

Over the years I've almost filled it to the top

but sometimes

when I feel lost in life

when things get bad for me

and I can't talk

and I can't say what I'm feeling

because everything goes through my head like pictures

or videos

but mostly pictures

still frames

little details

panoramic

but pictures

when I get that bad

I grab the bucket and dump all the change on the floor.

First I separate.

Quarters first, because they're the biggest

next pennies because they're very recognizable

Dimes and nickels, well they can be a pain

that part gets a little meticulous

but I do it.

Then I go through each pile

and make sure no other coins are in there

No dimes in the quarter pile

no nickels in the dime pile

etc.

They have to be in their respective corners

because I need to space them out

I break the quarters into groups of 4

cause y'know, 4 quarters is a dollar

I break them into many piles of 4

then I line them all up

(x) amount of rows consisting of 4 quarters each

It usually makes a really big rectangle

Each row is a dollar right?

...I still go back and count each quarter individually.

I have to.

But I can't write it down

I -have- to remember.

If I lose count I have to start over again.

 

And I do lose count sometimes

Even though I've already separated all the coins

even though I've already set the values

Technically I know how much money it is

But I don't -know-.

I don't know until it's all counted, and verified again.

And I repeat that number

I repeat the total number of coins

and the total value of the quarters.

I repeat so I can remember it.

...because now it's time for the dimes.

Except, this time i do rows of 5

(because 50 cents is a lot easier to count than 40)

Same process

again I set, again I count, and again I count individually

I have to.

If I lose count I have to start again

(but only from the dimes, because I'm absolutely sure of the quarters...right?)

(right? or should I count the quarters again...)

Quarters, Dimes, Nickels, and at long last pennies.

I count them

I count them again

I can tell you exactly how many of each I have

sometimes I can tell you how many of each year I have

Depends on how badly I need to count my coins.

Y'know the best part?

I don't count them to know how much money I have

I mean, it's cool to know that I have $56.72 in my bucket

But I don't really care about that

(I was really tempted to give the breakdown of exactly how it adds up to $56.72

but I decided against it)

I count the coins because I have to

because after I've counted them

I feel calmer

I can touch the money

it's a real thing, tangible, cold, hard

It's static, stationary, unchanging

I count coins.

I don't always know why I count coins

But I have to

because I need to.

I count a lot of things

ceiling tiles, street lamps, the dots on a shirt

I have to

It helps with anxiety.

Most people don't know I have that kind of anxiety.

I've had a lot of time to deal with it.

I've been to a lot of different schools

Lived in a lot of different houses and neighborhoods

I've held a few jobs

So people don't really know

(I don't think they really care either, why would they?

Note, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's a legitimate question

I don't understand why you should be concerned about my incessant need to count things)

Why did I describe that in detail?

Because that level of detail is normal for me.

I am that meticulous

I am that neurotic

I do have that kind of anxiety.

I'm also exceptionally good at keeping a blank face

(while I'm counting how many letters are on that shirt that you're wearing)

Usually because I don't really get what you're saying

Or if I do, not really sure what face I'm supposed to make in response to that

So it stays blank.

So? I'm weird. What of it?

I've been doing most of this since childhood.

I used to count the coins in my father's astray when he would come pick me up

(He didn't smoke)

I find it odd that he just let me do that.

Sometimes I wonder if he would add or subtract coins intentionally just to see if i was paying attention

(or y'know, he needed coins for tax at the drive-thru)

(same difference)

Looking back on my childhood, there are a lot of things I did that I perhaps couldn't explain back then

and can only halfway explain now

I didn't like looking at people back then

I still don't like to do it now

I mean, I'll look at you as long as you're not looking at me.

But I generally avoid looking anyone in the eye

if I have to, it's not for longer than like .2 seconds.

That's dangerous.

I don't know why, it just is.

I could go on

but I won't

...today.

 

I'll end this here by saying

I think I'm a little autistic

Maybe.

I don't want to upset anyone that has been actually diagnosed

but I would really, really love to know if I am

It would really explain a lot of things for me.

Seriously.