I've decided to do something different
Being honest with myself
I mean being really honest with myself
about this whole world of poly.
it exists, I am a part of it
I embrace it
I embody it.
My actual living will say more than my words ever can.
And what message is that?
What's the message that I want to communicate.
That it can work
it does work
It sucks sometimes, but it's also really useful too.
You don't have to do it, no
But there's nothing wrong with it if it's what works for me.
I haven't reached that stage where i say "oh yes, I love being poly"
Because I haven't had many people to share it with
It's hard to do so when I'm not looking in the right direction.
I'd like to say that's everyone else's fault for encouraging me to be upset
But it's mine.
It's my fault for wanting to feed into it
for actively not trying to understand what I already knew.
I wanted to be dragged kicking and screaming
and that's what I've done
I've been drawing it out
I've been lashing out
I've vocalized my negative opinions more than a dozen times
And yet, here I am.
Accepting it for what it really is has been a tough time in my life
and I've devoted so much energy to fighting it
and there was never even a good reason to do so.
I'm not going to rehash on issues that come up in relationships that everyone knows about
I mean seriously, it doesn't matter if you're married, the boyfriend, girlfriend, mistress, side chick, side dude, "fwb" (i keep telling people this doesn't exist), fling, rentadick, whatever.
Everyone goes through the same shit
And it's always the same things that break down every relationship
no communication.
You have to talk, and trust me, I really hate talking.
But you have to do it
No matter how much you grit your teeth while doing so
it has to be done
I just said I wasn't going to harp on this
so I'm not.
I said all this to say, I'm going away for a week.
Why I planned on being gone a whole week, I really don't know.
Seriously, I feel like that was stupid.
The other two members of this household will be here alone
this time with my blessing
I'm putting my trust in them.
And yes, it's hard
But realistically, I know, or at least have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen while I'm gone.
For me, the worst case scenario is usually involving sex
(which goes into my own issues about insecurity, but that's for another time)
But I already know they have sex.
I don't know when, no. That's not my thing.
I don't really want to participate,
(to be honest, I just don't find her partner attractive, he's always had that older brother vibe to me, it's kinda icky)
But I'm aware of it.
So, y'know
It is what it is.
And so that's been my guideline
I told her I know you guys may or may not have sex, just be safe and clean up after yourselves
Does it bother me that it'll probably be on my couch?
A little, I can't lie about that.
But at least I don't have to be around for it.
(not like that time her drunk friend and her boyfriend stayed over, that was...
...interesting)
Sometimes I don't really feel like driving her to work
For whatever reason
I don't have to
I also don't have to make her take scary public transportation
because he's around too
Most of time, I still like to, and I tell her so
but if i'm just not feeling it, I don't have to be a jerk about it
He's just as willing to. (Supposedly.)
I can't always make sure she gets to where she needs to be on time
Most of the time I do
but I work late nights, it's not always possible
with him around the odds go up way higher.
His schedule isn't the perfect opposite of mine or hers either
We all kinda fumble around sometimes, but we're generally pretty good at that kind of management
Despite that there really isn't enough room
We really all kind of live together
(it's...not uncomplicated)
I'm looking for a bigger place for us to all live in together
I still need to work out the actual logistics
but those really revolve around one thing
time management.
I don't have a job that requires me to leave for days at a time
neither does he
so we'll need to figure out some kind of plan that works for all of us
Not 100% sure how that'll work, but that's my next step.
But for now, as I said, the experiment.
And what will I do when I come back?
