7.8.15

Nepotism

I am not ruthless enough to play chess.
I am not aggressive enough to master a martial art.
I'm just not.
I'm not forward.
I don't push.
I don't shove my way through
I don't scheme and plot
I don't manipulate
 
I just don't act in my own self interest most of the time
except for things like this writing
to explain that I don't act in my self interest.
 
Why?
I don't have a good answer for that.
 
I don't hate myself
Sometimes I think I should be more selfish
and on rare occasions, I am.
 
But, I highly doubt that anyone that knows me
would actually be concerned about it.
 
The truth is
I am this way for a reason.
 
I don't deserve a lot of things
I have my own reasons for believing this
but I assure you, nonetheless, they are true
solid reasons.
 
I am not a bad man
but I can never be a good one.
 
All I can be is a man that does the best that he can
with the time that he has.
 
Sounds better than it actually is.

I'll be glad if I can actually finish writing today
I have so many...drafts saved
streams of thoughts that I've written down
that under normal circumstances would be balled up
and thrown in the trash.

Thankfully (I suppose), I don't pay much attention to this specific account
so these writings, they stay.

In all likeliness they will never be published
they are unfinished thoughts
Memories of frustration
confusion
desolation
being lost in a world 
where I only stand the language
in bits and pieces.

Pictures usually help
but people don't take pictures
they try to paint them with words.
That just doesn't work.
You're not able to provide the detail I need
with your words.
I am sorry, but it's true.

I realize as I type that out just how true that is.
A picture of a apple on a table
is not just about the fruit.
To me, it's:
What color is the apple?
What shape is the apple?
How ripe is the apple?
Is there a stem? How long is it?
When was this taken?
What kind of resolution is this picture?
What's the color of the background?
Is that a natural background, artificial?
Was this taken at day or night?
Is that sunlight? Artificial?
What about the table? What style is that?
Where was this photo taken?
Why was this photo taken from this angle?
What am I supposed to be seeing?
The shadow it casts, must be (time of day)?

And so on
and so on
and so forth.

That's the level of detail I need
from a simple picture
of an apple on a table.

That is my life.

I digress
I forgot what I was talking about.

Oh.

I don't push forward
for good reason

I can't control it.
It's not meant to for me to control
What I can control is this, here and now
my restraint, my lack
to keep my foot on the brake pedal
and ease off slowly
Because the wheels will move, the engine will go
I will seemingly and without effort
possibly destroy that which is set in front of me
for lack of stopping
because that's how I work.

--------------

Being quiet is hard
when I feel many different emotions
I can't name them
I'm not good at that
but they're there.
And they are...intense.
They push at my skin like sweat trying to force its way out
similar to when one tries to fight back tears
and I can only do this for so long

my fear eats a the lining of my stomach
almost literally at times
forcing my digestive system out of sync
giving me bouts of excessive gas

"It's all in your mind"
That is true
the mind is a powerful thing

But in reality
all I'm doing is confining it to a small area
internally.
Which is hella dangerous, I'm sure.

But the alternative
the alternative
is to take my foot off the pedal
to let it go
to let the fear run wild
And that, put quite bluntly, is not a good idea.

I am not in charge of what happens at that point
my reactions are not your reactions
my reasoning is not your reasoning
or his, or hers, or theirs.
my thoughts are not your thoughts
my actions...are.

they just...are.
and they stay that way
until.

Until I crash,
disasterously.
Or
someone that is not me
can help me,
can keep me stationary long enough
to help me push the brake pedal back down
-they- have to pull the emergency break up
because it's all i can do

It's an accident waiting to happen

I know this
I've known this for many years

It's why I'm quiet.
It's why I'm not forward
it's why I'm not aggressive

But this often leads to complication

Surely, surely I can let of the brakes...just a little right?
Surely this frustration, this sadness, this ecstacy
I can give into it, just a touch right?
I can coast, right?
It's not all bad right?

This has never proven true.
For you see
I don't know how much horsepower
this engine really has.
 
And if -I- don't understand it
what the fuck makes you think anyone else does?
 
Most people can't even describe a picture right
how the fuck are they supposed to tell me how to handle this?
 
Are you shitting me?
 
I think I'm done writing for now
I could go on
with my ranting frustration
but at the moment, that would solve nothing
 
my stomach still hurts.

24.3.15

thoughts.

I count ceiling tiles.
I count them once
Then I count them again
I count how many are from the right corner
I count how many are from the left
I use perimeter and area formulas
using each tile as an individual scale
Then I count them individually
I count ceiling tiles
until it's time to leave.

That's what I do.

I count change.
I have a small bucket that I keep pocket change in
Over the years I've almost filled it to the top
but sometimes
when I feel lost in life
when things get bad for me
and I can't talk
and I can't say what I'm feeling
because everything goes through my head like pictures
or videos
but mostly pictures
still frames
little details
panoramic
but pictures
when I get that bad
I grab the bucket and dump all the change on the floor.
First I separate.
Quarters first, because they're the biggest
next pennies because they're very recognizable
Dimes and nickels, well they can be a pain
that part gets a little meticulous
but I do it.
Then I go through each pile
and make sure no other coins are in there
No dimes in the quarter pile
no nickels in the dime pile
etc.
They have to be in their respective corners
because I need to space them out
I break the quarters into groups of 4
cause y'know, 4 quarters is a dollar
I break them into many piles of 4
then I line them all up
(x) amount of rows consisting of 4 quarters each
It usually makes a really big rectangle
Each row is a dollar right?
...I still go back and count each quarter individually.
I have to.
But I can't write it down
I -have- to remember.
If I lose count I have to start over again.
 
And I do lose count sometimes
Even though I've already separated all the coins
even though I've already set the values
Technically I know how much money it is
But I don't -know-.
I don't know until it's all counted, and verified again.
And I repeat that number
I repeat the total number of coins
and the total value of the quarters.
I repeat so I can remember it.
...because now it's time for the dimes.
Except, this time i do rows of 5
(because 50 cents is a lot easier to count than 40)
Same process
again I set, again I count, and again I count individually
I have to.
If I lose count I have to start again
(but only from the dimes, because I'm absolutely sure of the quarters...right?)
(right? or should I count the quarters again...)

Quarters, Dimes, Nickels, and at long last pennies.
I count them
I count them again
I can tell you exactly how many of each I have
sometimes I can tell you how many of each year I have
Depends on how badly I need to count my coins.

Y'know the best part?
I don't count them to know how much money I have
I mean, it's cool to know that I have $56.72 in my bucket
But I don't really care about that
(I was really tempted to give the breakdown of exactly how it adds up to $56.72
but I decided against it)

I count the coins because I have to
because after I've counted them
I feel calmer
I can touch the money
it's a real thing, tangible, cold, hard
It's static, stationary, unchanging
I count coins.
I don't always know why I count coins
But I have to
because I need to.

I count a lot of things
ceiling tiles, street lamps, the dots on a shirt
I have to
It helps with anxiety.

Most people don't know I have that kind of anxiety.
I've had a lot of time to deal with it.
I've been to a lot of different schools
Lived in a lot of different houses and neighborhoods
I've held a few jobs
So people don't really know
(I don't think they really care either, why would they?
Note, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's a legitimate question
I don't understand why you should be concerned about my incessant need to count things)

Why did I describe that in detail?
Because that level of detail is normal for me.
I am that meticulous
I am that neurotic
I do have that kind of anxiety.
I'm also exceptionally good at keeping a blank face
(while I'm counting how many letters are on that shirt that you're wearing)
Usually because I don't really get what you're saying
Or if I do, not really sure what face I'm supposed to make in response to that
So it stays blank.

So? I'm weird. What of it?
I've been doing most of this since childhood.
I used to count the coins in my father's astray when he would come pick me up
(He didn't smoke)
I find it odd that he just let me do that.
Sometimes I wonder if he would add or subtract coins intentionally just to see if i was paying attention
(or y'know, he needed coins for tax at the drive-thru)
(same difference)


Looking back on my childhood, there are a lot of things I did that I perhaps couldn't explain back then
and can only halfway explain now

I didn't like looking at people back then
I still don't like to do it now
I mean, I'll look at you as long as you're not looking at me.
But I generally avoid looking anyone in the eye
if I have to, it's not for longer than like .2 seconds.
That's dangerous.
I don't know why, it just is.

I could go on
but I won't
...today.
 
I'll end this here by saying
I think I'm a little autistic
Maybe.
I don't want to upset anyone that has been actually diagnosed
but I would really, really love to know if I am
It would really explain a lot of things for me.
Seriously.

5.3.15

Honesty.

I'm afraid today's post is going to be incredibly personal.
I don't really want it to be
But I don't know what else to do.

I am at a point that I'm no longer able to see things objectively
This makes life difficult
because now I can't make decisions.

When I'm only able to see the situation through my own eyes
I am subject to tunnel vision.

This tunnel vision then becomes the scope of everything in my life.
Even tasks that should be extremely or relatively easy
become complicated.
Unnecessarily so.

This is due in large part to the crossroad that I have found myself approaching.
You see
I don't really know how to just...sit.
Or rather, I do know how to sit, I can sit still very well
I don't know how to...how you say...not do anything.
Actually no, that's inaccurate as well
I'm extremely good at not doing anything
I am sufficient at the art of doing nothing.
I do not excel at it.
Although, at times I can be considered extremely lazy
Now is one of those times I suppose
I haven't really done anything constructive lately
And that bothers me.
It always has, and always will.

I can't relax not doing anything constructive. That's just not me.
I can't just take myself to the movies or to a spa, or some kind of "relaxing getaway"
That's just not me.
Not right now.
Don't misunderstand, there's a time and a place for everything.
I do sometimes go to the movies
Sometimes I go to the sauna and just hang out
But you see, I have to earn those privileges
But not by any set of measurable standards.

That's just how I am
I sometimes wonder if that's due to the way I was raised, or perhaps something else
Point being
I don't..."treat" myself often.
Why? Because I'm overindulgent.
I know this, it is a serious character flaw of mine.

When I first went to college, I got a refund check
Which in my head equated to free money for me to do whatever the fuck I wanted.
I wasted it.
I mean that, I seriously wasted it.
Not even on like good clothes or shoes or anything worth showing off
I quite figuratively just blew it.

Some years down the line, I realized that it was not in fact free money at all.
And I'll spend a considerable portion of my adulthood paying that money back.
It was a lesson I needed to learn
I just wish I could've learned it sooner, and with less severe consequences.

The things I took away from that experience
involved some serious introspection.
There aren't many, but in my life exist moments that I consider myself to be
for lack of better phrasing
Dumb as Fuck.
I know this is a thing that everyone deals with.
I've seen enough blogs and comics to relate
like waking up in the middle of the night and realizing that stupid thing you did 10 years ago.
Your brain never lets you really forget, it just stores it away for a later date.


I guess I brought that up because it relates to my current situation.
At the moment I'm both waiting and really not waiting on the next step in my life.
Like, I know its there, and I know it just involves me taking the next step
Yet, I feel like taking that step isn't vital just yet.
I mean, it is vital, and it's totally going to happen
But technically I have like 2 weeks before that happens.

It's these 2 weeks that are bothering me.
Am I making a mistake again?
Is this hesitancy because I am being foolish
or is this time that I'm really supposed to be trying to...relax?
I really don't know.

Recently I spoke with someone about taking personal time
when you feel burned out.
That's a real thing.
I didn't use to think so, I thought it was a serious load of shit.
But
I can actually say I've experienced this for myself.
I've been working in the service industry for at least a decade.
The thing is, I never liked it in the first place
I just continued to do it because it was it seemed like the next logical thing to do.
The same way that going to college is the "natural progression" after high school.

...I didn't do well in college.
Why? I had no motivation.
I didn't understand why I was going
 No one could really give me sufficient reason
other than
"You go to college, get a degree and get a good job"
...what did that actually mean?
I still kind of don't know.
But I wasted a lot of time not really thinking about it either.

I know a lot of people go through that
some of them wind up with a degree or two and no idea where to go next
It's kind of a generational problem.

Eventually I just stopped going
I don't know if it was really a conscious decision or not
but I just flat out stopped going.
My body wouldn't move
My mind wouldn't focus
My heart wasn't in it
My spirit was just dragging

so I went to work
little by little the feeling started coming back
I could move, because I had something to do
I could focus, because I was receiving something for my time
I got into it because I had to. Bills need to be paid
My spirit got involved with spirits (see what I did there?)
(Bartending became a passion of mine)

And yet
I was unfulfilled.
I've been living all these years, but I don't often feel alive.
I know I exist, but I still don't know why.

But I digress.
It's been some time since then.
I finally came to some realizations and the kinds of things I need to do to feel better.
I've found something that I can be proud of, and that I really believe will give me some
...peace of mind.

However, I am hesitant.
I am cautious
I am afraid
I am worried
I am concerned
I feel...not unprepared, not overwhelmed, but perhaps...ill at ease.

A lot of things in my life recently have caused me to question myself once again
What am I doing?
Am I...blowing it again?

I ask this because...
before, I needed...restraint.
This time
I need...space.

I have confined myself within myself over the years
I choose not express myself every single day.
And it's all gotten too confusing.
I no longer know which feelings are fabricated
which ones are real
which ones are there because of logic
or which ones are there because I know all of these things.

I feel a pressure
I feel things weighing me down
and weighing down on me.
And I wish
I really do
that I was making that up.
...but it's a fact.
There are things that are weighing down on me
Things that I can do nothing about
Not without a dramatic shift.

And I don't want that.
I don't want to change things so much.

But things do change, it is the nature of life.
Those changes I don't mind.
The universe doesn't force things, things happen because it's the universe.
I can understand that.

But the changes that come from me as the catalyst
Those are the ones I don't like.

Because I can't explain to anyone
what that actually means.

There's a quotation on my fridge
I didn't put it there.
Only the first sentence stays in my head
"You are not Atlas."


...Yes, yes I am.
Right now, in these moments
I am.
I don't expect to be taken seriously
But in my head, that's what it is.
Sometimes, sometimes I need that though.
Sometimes I need to know the world is hanging on my shoulder
because that motivates me.
But sometimes
sometimes
it's
just
heavy.

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Atlanta, Georgia, United States
Let's keep this simple. I don't like vegetables.