thoughts.

I count ceiling tiles.

I count them once

Then I count them again

I count how many are from the right corner

I count how many are from the left

I use perimeter and area formulas

using each tile as an individual scale

Then I count them individually

I count ceiling tiles

until it's time to leave.

That's what I do.

I count change.

I have a small bucket that I keep pocket change in

Over the years I've almost filled it to the top

but sometimes

when I feel lost in life

when things get bad for me

and I can't talk

and I can't say what I'm feeling

because everything goes through my head like pictures

or videos

but mostly pictures

still frames

little details

panoramic

but pictures

when I get that bad

I grab the bucket and dump all the change on the floor.

First I separate.

Quarters first, because they're the biggest

next pennies because they're very recognizable

Dimes and nickels, well they can be a pain

that part gets a little meticulous

but I do it.

Then I go through each pile

and make sure no other coins are in there

No dimes in the quarter pile

no nickels in the dime pile

etc.

They have to be in their respective corners

because I need to space them out

I break the quarters into groups of 4

cause y'know, 4 quarters is a dollar

I break them into many piles of 4

then I line them all up

(x) amount of rows consisting of 4 quarters each

It usually makes a really big rectangle

Each row is a dollar right?

...I still go back and count each quarter individually.

I have to.

But I can't write it down

I -have- to remember.

If I lose count I have to start over again.

 

And I do lose count sometimes

Even though I've already separated all the coins

even though I've already set the values

Technically I know how much money it is

But I don't -know-.

I don't know until it's all counted, and verified again.

And I repeat that number

I repeat the total number of coins

and the total value of the quarters.

I repeat so I can remember it.

...because now it's time for the dimes.

Except, this time i do rows of 5

(because 50 cents is a lot easier to count than 40)

Same process

again I set, again I count, and again I count individually

I have to.

If I lose count I have to start again

(but only from the dimes, because I'm absolutely sure of the quarters...right?)

(right? or should I count the quarters again...)

Quarters, Dimes, Nickels, and at long last pennies.

I count them

I count them again

I can tell you exactly how many of each I have

sometimes I can tell you how many of each year I have

Depends on how badly I need to count my coins.

Y'know the best part?

I don't count them to know how much money I have

I mean, it's cool to know that I have $56.72 in my bucket

But I don't really care about that

(I was really tempted to give the breakdown of exactly how it adds up to $56.72

but I decided against it)

I count the coins because I have to

because after I've counted them

I feel calmer

I can touch the money

it's a real thing, tangible, cold, hard

It's static, stationary, unchanging

I count coins.

I don't always know why I count coins

But I have to

because I need to.

I count a lot of things

ceiling tiles, street lamps, the dots on a shirt

I have to

It helps with anxiety.

Most people don't know I have that kind of anxiety.

I've had a lot of time to deal with it.

I've been to a lot of different schools

Lived in a lot of different houses and neighborhoods

I've held a few jobs

So people don't really know

(I don't think they really care either, why would they?

Note, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's a legitimate question

I don't understand why you should be concerned about my incessant need to count things)

Why did I describe that in detail?

Because that level of detail is normal for me.

I am that meticulous

I am that neurotic

I do have that kind of anxiety.

I'm also exceptionally good at keeping a blank face

(while I'm counting how many letters are on that shirt that you're wearing)

Usually because I don't really get what you're saying

Or if I do, not really sure what face I'm supposed to make in response to that

So it stays blank.

So? I'm weird. What of it?

I've been doing most of this since childhood.

I used to count the coins in my father's astray when he would come pick me up

(He didn't smoke)

I find it odd that he just let me do that.

Sometimes I wonder if he would add or subtract coins intentionally just to see if i was paying attention

(or y'know, he needed coins for tax at the drive-thru)

(same difference)

Looking back on my childhood, there are a lot of things I did that I perhaps couldn't explain back then

and can only halfway explain now

I didn't like looking at people back then

I still don't like to do it now

I mean, I'll look at you as long as you're not looking at me.

But I generally avoid looking anyone in the eye

if I have to, it's not for longer than like .2 seconds.

That's dangerous.

I don't know why, it just is.

I could go on

but I won't

...today.

 

I'll end this here by saying

I think I'm a little autistic

Maybe.

I don't want to upset anyone that has been actually diagnosed

but I would really, really love to know if I am

It would really explain a lot of things for me.

Seriously.

Honesty.

I'm afraid today's post is going to be incredibly personal.

I don't really want it to be

But I don't know what else to do.

I am at a point that I'm no longer able to see things objectively

This makes life difficult

because now I can't make decisions.

When I'm only able to see the situation through my own eyes

I am subject to tunnel vision.

This tunnel vision then becomes the scope of everything in my life.

Even tasks that should be extremely or relatively easy

become complicated.

Unnecessarily so.

This is due in large part to the crossroad that I have found myself approaching.

You see

I don't really know how to just...sit.

Or rather, I do know how to sit, I can sit still very well

I don't know how to...how you say...not do anything.

Actually no, that's inaccurate as well

I'm extremely good at not doing anything

I am sufficient at the art of doing nothing.

I do not excel at it.

Although, at times I can be considered extremely lazy

Now is one of those times I suppose

I haven't really done anything constructive lately

And that bothers me.

It always has, and always will.

I can't relax not doing anything constructive. That's just not me.

I can't just take myself to the movies or to a spa, or some kind of "relaxing getaway"

That's just not me.

Not right now.

Don't misunderstand, there's a time and a place for everything.

I do sometimes go to the movies

Sometimes I go to the sauna and just hang out

But you see, I have to earn those privileges

But not by any set of measurable standards.

That's just how I am

I sometimes wonder if that's due to the way I was raised, or perhaps something else

Point being

I don't..."treat" myself often.

Why? Because I'm overindulgent.

I know this, it is a serious character flaw of mine.

When I first went to college, I got a refund check

Which in my head equated to free money for me to do whatever the fuck I wanted.

I wasted it.

I mean that, I seriously wasted it.

Not even on like good clothes or shoes or anything worth showing off

I quite figuratively just blew it.

Some years down the line, I realized that it was not in fact free money at all.

And I'll spend a considerable portion of my adulthood paying that money back.

It was a lesson I needed to learn

I just wish I could've learned it sooner, and with less severe consequences.

The things I took away from that experience

involved some serious introspection.

There aren't many, but in my life exist moments that I consider myself to be

for lack of better phrasing

Dumb as Fuck.

I know this is a thing that everyone deals with.

I've seen enough blogs and comics to relate

like waking up in the middle of the night and realizing that stupid thing you did 10 years ago.

Your brain never lets you really forget, it just stores it away for a later date.

I guess I brought that up because it relates to my current situation.

At the moment I'm both waiting and really not waiting on the next step in my life.

Like, I know its there, and I know it just involves me taking the next step

Yet, I feel like taking that step isn't vital just yet.

I mean, it is vital, and it's totally going to happen

But technically I have like 2 weeks before that happens.

It's these 2 weeks that are bothering me.

Am I making a mistake again?

Is this hesitancy because I am being foolish

or is this time that I'm really supposed to be trying to...relax?

I really don't know.

Recently I spoke with someone about taking personal time

when you feel burned out.

That's a real thing.

I didn't use to think so, I thought it was a serious load of shit.

But

I can actually say I've experienced this for myself.

I've been working in the service industry for at least a decade.

The thing is, I never liked it in the first place

I just continued to do it because it was it seemed like the next logical thing to do.

The same way that going to college is the "natural progression" after high school.

...I didn't do well in college.

Why? I had no motivation.

I didn't understand why I was going

 No one could really give me sufficient reason

other than

"You go to college, get a degree and get a good job"

...what did that actually mean?

I still kind of don't know.

But I wasted a lot of time not really thinking about it either.

I know a lot of people go through that

some of them wind up with a degree or two and no idea where to go next

It's kind of a generational problem.

Eventually I just stopped going

I don't know if it was really a conscious decision or not

but I just flat out stopped going.

My body wouldn't move

My mind wouldn't focus

My heart wasn't in it

My spirit was just dragging

so I went to work

little by little the feeling started coming back

I could move, because I had something to do

I could focus, because I was receiving something for my time

I got into it because I had to. Bills need to be paid

My spirit got involved with spirits (see what I did there?)

(Bartending became a passion of mine)

And yet

I was unfulfilled.

I've been living all these years, but I don't often feel alive.

I know I exist, but I still don't know why.

But I digress.

It's been some time since then.

I finally came to some realizations and the kinds of things I need to do to feel better.

I've found something that I can be proud of, and that I really believe will give me some

...peace of mind.

However, I am hesitant.

I am cautious

I am afraid

I am worried

I am concerned

I feel...not unprepared, not overwhelmed, but perhaps...ill at ease.

A lot of things in my life recently have caused me to question myself once again

What am I doing?

Am I...blowing it again?

I ask this because...

before, I needed...restraint.

This time

I need...space.

I have confined myself within myself over the years

I choose not express myself every single day.

And it's all gotten too confusing.

I no longer know which feelings are fabricated

which ones are real

which ones are there because of logic

or which ones are there because I know all of these things.

I feel a pressure

I feel things weighing me down

and weighing down on me.

And I wish

I really do

that I was making that up.

...but it's a fact.

There are things that are weighing down on me

Things that I can do nothing about

Not without a dramatic shift.

And I don't want that.

I don't want to change things so much.

But things do change, it is the nature of life.

Those changes I don't mind.

The universe doesn't force things, things happen because it's the universe.

I can understand that.

But the changes that come from me as the catalyst

Those are the ones I don't like.

Because I can't explain to anyone

what that actually means.

There's a quotation on my fridge

I didn't put it there.

Only the first sentence stays in my head

"You are not Atlas."

...Yes, yes I am.

Right now, in these moments

I am.

I don't expect to be taken seriously

But in my head, that's what it is.

Sometimes, sometimes I need that though.

Sometimes I need to know the world is hanging on my shoulder

because that motivates me.

But sometimes

sometimes

it's

just

heavy.