Caguama.

Sometimes
I look at this blog
And have this moment where I feel...
...burdened.
If that's the word.
A sort of...obligation if you will
Like this an object on the never ending "To-Do" list.
I guess it sort of is.
If I didn't make myself write
I'd probably never do it.
And it's important to
Because I said so.
Whatever sense that makes.

Obligations
We have them
We don't want them.
Well...sometimes we do
But only for a limited time
Only when its...convenient.
Which is against the very nature of an obligation.
They're never...convenient.
They just...are.
And they must be dealt with.
Why?
Because we have to.
Why?
Because we must.
Why?
Because there's nothing else.

It's that simple
If we didn't have obligations then we'd have nothing at all
No structure
No core
No sense of being
...in some senses.

People think to that to be free of obligations it what it means
to be free.
But is that true?
If you don't have anything to do
Don't you wish you did?
And when you do
...aren't you glad?
Just a little.
A smidgeon.
A bit.
Yes.

I know I need things to do
It gives me a sense of purpose
A sense of...being alive if you will
A sense of belonging.
And that is something you can't just buy at the store.
Well...maybe you can, I haven't really looked that hard.
I don't really look hard for much.
It's one of my...better...yet worse qualities.
It's funny how those exist, no?
Best and Worst qualities...that are exactly the same.
Makes you wonder.
Life makes you wonder.
People make you wonder.
Wondering...makes you wonder
...sometimes.

What was I saying?
I don't even know.
I think I have to go do something.
I'm sure I do.
I'm sure you do too.

Walking on graves.

Wasps.
I fucking hate them.

I'm aware that it's unusual of me to be so...
...vocal.
But I do
I hate wasps with passion.
For that matter, I dislike most bugs.
They crawl everywhere
Unexpected
Unannounced
Unseen
Untouched
Invasive
Demanding
Stealing
Pestering.

All of these things.
Yet...they're also a part of nature.
So...
Can I really hate them?
...yes, yes I can.
It's a personal thing.
Insects make my skin crawl with unease
Like the feeling of someone walking on your grave.
I tend to spasm from time to time
And become slightly nauseated.

Why?
Why do I react that way?
I don't really know.
Honestly, most bugs aren't that harmful
Just...invasive.
...extremely invasive.
Bee stings aren't really comparable to say...kidney stones
But they still sting like a bitch.
Unexpectedly.

And why?
Because the bee feels you're encroaching on its territory
...-you- are encroaching on -its- territory.
...What?
Are you serious?

Why all the territorial issues anyway
To raise a family safely?
Could I argue that I'm attempting to do the same thing
And they are in fact encroaching upon my territory?
Is it self-defense?
Or is it selfishness?

Why am I so concerned?
Bees are bees
Birds are birds
Dogs are dogs
People are people.

Yet...we do not live in harmony.
And who is to blame?
We both desire peace and solitude
Yet...we have no means to reach said agreement.
Surely there is more to this than Attack or Be Attacked.
Is that the real name of the game?
Miscommunication leads to such things.
So how does one overcome it?
Or do you at all?

If I continue to let a wasps nest fester
I will be in danger
If I destroy the nest
The eggs are in danger
...

It just doesn't seem right.
But I do know this
If I get stung, I'd be really really fucking pissed.

...Or Death and All His Friends.

Coldplay has a new album.
Not that you care
But I do.

"Viva La Vida"
is a wonderful song in my opinion
Though I may not understand all of it
I find it...endearing (if that's the word, if not...then it doesn't matter anyway)
whenever I hear the line
"...but that was when I ruled the world."

That is just...an incredible concept.
Maybe I'm weird
Scratch that, I am weird.
But
Be damned if I didn't used to rule the world.
Whether it be in another dimension or another time
I ruled the world.
And it was glorious.

Imagine if you did used to rule the world
But now you're reincarnated as someone else
Living your everyday life
But deep in your heart
You are King.
(Or Queen.)

I think we all feel that way at some point or another
And why not?
What's wrong with that.
I mean, granted we can't all be kings at once
there'd be no one left to rule.
But, time spans over eternity
I'm sure it's possible.
Because I said so.

I'll be honest
That song inspires me.
Not to try and become king
(...In this economy?!)
but to write a song.
See...I play guitar...sort of.
Been playing for a year now (mostly)
I'm sure this is not a surprise
And if it is, you must not get out much.
But I fear I lack the inspirational and creative qualities that make music great.
I know I know
Music isn't about greatness
It's about expressing emotion
Or
As someone once said

"The Guitar is the human soul sending a messge through only six strings..."
-Eddie (BECK - Mongolian Chop Squad, Anime)

Whether or not you believe that is completely up to you.
But to create such music
Such...melody
Such harmony
Is beyond me
Or at least, that's how I feel.

If someday I could harness half of what I feel
Half of what I hear
Half of what I taste
Half of what I touch
Then maybe...

Hmm.

This ended up more as a rant than prolific sayings.
Which...is acceptable, I suppose.
Who's checking, honestly.

"Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world."

Pain.

I have an ingrown hair.
It hurts.
It is painful.

It's not that I can't handle pain
We all have a certain amount of pain to deal with in life.
Whether it be disappointment or getting punched in the eye
Pain is pain
There is no escaping it
Only accepting it.

Shit is going to happen
That's just the way it is
The sooner you come to grips with that
The less likely you'll be to complain about it later.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to complain
I'm just saying that no one wants to hear it.
As if we all don't have enough problems as it is.

An ingrown hair
How inconvenient
It's unbearably painful at times
But I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned here
what that lesson is...well, that has yet to be determined.

So what do I do?
Do I pop it?
Do I let it continue to age?
Do I just wait until it naturally heals itself?
Who is to say?
Which is the right action?
I don't know
Do you?

The universe is large, weird, and unknown
Maybe this hair has a purpose in my life
maybe it has something to teach me
I doubt it, of course
but one must always keep an open mind
always.

Seriously
Open minds are the gateway to anything.
Enlightenment, Knowledge, Self-Cleansing
Open minds are the key to it all.
Including Sexuality
But of course
Another topic for another day.

So how does one deal with pain?
Through anger?
Through sadness and grief?
Through ignorance?
Through stupidity?
Who is to say?
Mayhaps it's a combination of different things
Or maybe it's just focusing on something else until the pain goes away.
In the end, it's really up to you.
Do you deal with pain, or do you try to ignore it?

...is that a wise decision?

Potatoes.

You know that feeling you get from scratching the right spot?
It feels good doesn't it?
Really, really, unnecessarily good.
I wonder why that is?

I recently got my haircut
trust me, it was long overdue
so now I have little-to-no-hair
but if feels so good when I rub the back of my head
it's like finding the right spot to scratch.

Oftentimes, I wonder why exactly we were given such capacity to enjoy simple things
I mean, really simple things.
The smallest things in your day may make you smile
It could be putting your feet up after a long day of work
Or watching someone that isn't you get harassed on the train.
Hey, I said I didn't judge.

I just wonder why we were given the...chemicals if you will to enjoy things.
Most people call them endorphins
I don't know what that means
but I look at it and I think "dolphins"
Wait...you think it's possible...
...no, it can't be...
Engrish?

...Nevermind.
Anyway, yes, endorphins
Do all animals have them
And if so, do they affect them in the same way that it does us?
the mind creates thousands of pleasurable responses to any given sensation
But are we the only creatures to enjoy it?

Or were we given them because life is meant to be hard?
Let's say Karma has destined life for humans to be difficult
So in return we were given the capacity to find solace in small things.
I'm not entirely sure how that works
but hey, whatever gets the universe moving, I suppose.

I'm tired, I feel like taking a nap.

Lip Crumbs

Steel Reserve
Triple Export.

This is the beer I buy every day when I finish with work
Why?
Well, I have a few reasons.
One being that it's insanely cheap
$1+change for 24 ounces of beer.
Two being that's conveniently located right next to my job
Three being I don't have a local bar to goto
And lastly, because at some point I figure they'll get used to be being there
So they'll stop asking me for ID.

Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely flattered to show my ID.
It's something I looked forward to for roughly 6 years.

But why bring up the subject of beers?
No real reason.
I drink beer because it calms my body after walking around so much
From the train, back to the train, onto another train, yada yada and so forth.
It's like
Instant sleeping pill
Only, it doesn't hurt my through
Or threaten to injure small children.

I find it funny that giving small children beer is a natural thing.
There's something to be said about that.
I don't know what
But there's something to be said.

I think what I mean to say today is that
Find what you do to relax yourself
Whether it be in cheap beers
Or counting ceiling tiles
Because life gets hard
And it never gets easier.
You just have to learn to deal with it in your own way.
Not saying that alcoholism is that way
But to each his own.

Perhaps I should make one thing clear about this blog
It's on my conscience, ergo, I must say it.
I have no intention of telling or showing anyone how to do anything
It's simply a personal discovery of my own intellectual morals
Through my (mostly) daily writings, I hope to find lessons and morals to live by.
Pointing out the bad, reveling in the good
It's all a part of the deal.
When everything is said and done
I go to sleep each night feeling like I learned something new.
And that, is a feeling that you can't find just anywhere.

Now, as I digress into inaudible slurs
It's probably about time that I goto sleep.
Because I have to work tomorrow
And I want my cheap beer.

Airate.

So
What do we discuss this time?
And yes, I do say "we"
Not because I'm talking to anyone specifically
But more of...a collective "we"
I'm not entirely sure if that includes my conscience
Or maybe I do have a voice in my head
Perhaps I suffer from schizophrenia.
I doubt it though.

But
What is schizophrenia really?
I've always understood it to be
The condition in which
You listen and/or talk to voices in your head
That aren't necessarily yours.
But if they're in -your- head
Why aren't they yours?
Because they don't sound like you?
What? You can't change the pitch of your own voice?
I mean really now.
As long as you can perceive the sound
you can create it.
If you were hearing frequencies that only dogs can hear
well...then you'd probably be a dog.

Conversing with these voices is considered insane
Again, when you could just be talking to yourself
And if you are
What's wrong with that?
I happen to think I'm a rather amusing person.
Even if no one else happens to think so at the time.
Who else do you really have to rely on in troubled times?
Yourself?
Yet, it's considered insane.
Who else thinks about the exact same things that you do?
No one?
Yourself?
Yet, it's considered insane.

It's been said that Christians are schizophrenic because they talk to "God"
"God" being an formless entity that "tells them what to do"
Or at least gives them a sense that someone is listening.
Is that true?
Are Christians really schizophrenic?
Or are they tuned with supernatural?
Or are they really just talking to themselves and finding solace?
No one really knows.
Who is to say that they know?
I bet they asked themselves about it.

Can you really label someone as schizophrenic if you have to ask yourself about their condition?
And if you don't ask yourself, can you really trust someone else's opinions?
People can be wrong, you know.
People are often wrong.
So again, I must ask

...is it wrong to talk to yourself?