Insomnia.

I can't sleep.
I'm aware that this is a growing problem in this generation.
With all these kids on Ritalin, Adderall, and various anti-depressants and whatnot.
Trust me
Adderall ain't no joke.
Like many misguided teenagers, I've had my run of various drugs
And Adderall was probably one I shouldn't have taken
But, curiosity gets to the best of us I suppose.
Would you like to hear about it?
I'm sure you would.

I had a friend some years ago
Well, we're still good friends
I just don't know if he ever found out
Well, anyway
He had some adderall pills
and his dad had a liquor cabinet
Not really a good combination for a reckless teenager.
I had no idea what adderall did, but I figured it was worth popping a couple
I mean, a pill's a pill, right?
I'd knocked back like 9 tylenol capsules just to be drowsy some nights
I lived through that
What could be worse?
Well.
Adderall is an amphetamine.
I have no idea what that means
I do know that it made me severely fucked up.
At first I just took one.
Nothing.
So I took another.
Still nothing.
No immediate effects, nothing gone wrong
So I figured my dosage must've been too low.
I took two more.
That's when the fun started.
I began to feel...focused.
Very very...focused.
I can't really describe what I was thinking at that point
Mostly because I don't think I was thinking at that point.
The only thing I became focused on was the video game on the screen
(It was God of War on God mode, by the way...also not a good combination.
There's nothing worse than being focused on something you can't beat, but won't ever give up on)
At some point I got up to pee
(I still don't remember exactly when)
And I decided
Hell, if that's what two more pills did
I wonder what two -more- pills would do
So I took them.
Yes...I took no less than 6 adderall pills within a 3 hour period.
Not one of my wisest choices
But I guess we have to learn things the hard way.

I'm not very good with descriptions
But just imagine...being focused on something
Focused to hard that you can't quit even if you want to
Quitting itself doesn't even cross your mind
There is no quit
There is no finish
It just goes on and on and on
Focused on one thing
With super intensity.
Forgoing hunger, sleepiness, thirst and awareness of your surroundings
To be
Completely
There.

That's all there is.

Just being there
And doing that task.

Now, in some branches of religion
That might not necessarily be a bad thing
But you have to eat at some point, right?
Not on adderall you don't.
Your body is like "food? f-o-o-d? I've never heard of this, Shut Up and get back to work."
It's not very nice about it.

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night
Or the night after that.
In fact, I almost blacked out trying to wash some clothes later that day
That was very interesting...

We ordered pizza
And I couldn't touch it
Like...I couldn't even eat a sausage
My jaw hurt.
My face hurt.
My body hurt.
My mind hurt.
I hurt.

...that, and my stomach felt like it was being devoured by its own acid for about a week and half.
Like I said...not one of my wisest choices.


...
Why'd I bring up this story?
No real reason, of course.
I just found myself unable to sleep this morning.
And my insomnia sometimes causes me to reminisce.
Let's not misunderstand now
I don't suffer from insomnia often
Just usually when I have a guilty conscience, stress, or too much caffeine.
You know, the usual things.

...
What was learned?
Don't take 6 adderall pills in a row
Obviously.
Sometimes you just have to experiment.
That's just how it is.
You'll never know if you never try.

Now you've got to be saying
"You damn near killed yourself, why would you do that?"
Because I was curious.
Curiosity is in our nature.
There's no point avoiding it
It's who we are
It's what we do.
To a fault, yes.
Nonetheless, it is what it means to be human
Or even an animal
Just to be a sentient being capable of thought
Provokes curiosity.

And like I said
You'll never know the answers
If you never experiment.
...and you won't always be smart about it.