Shoebox

"You have time"
...what the does that phrase even mean?

I hear it all the time.
Usually in reference to what I want to do in life.
(Which of course, I still don't know)

I think part of the reason I don't know
Is because I feel limited
Trapped
Confined
Restrained...by time.

I hear it so much
"You're still young, you still have time"
...Time for what?
Does my time run out?
Am I on a countdown?

I thought the only countdown in life was death.
Well, I mean, yes there are mini countdowns
Like until the new year
Or until your next birthday
Or when you can stop being on house arrest
...whatever works for you.

But
Those are all definitive times
Like...March 19th at 4:56 pm.
Something you can actually mark on a calendar.

To say
"You have time"
confuses me greatly.

Where's the definitive day?
At what time does my time run out?
When I'm 30? 40? 50?
When I have children?
When I have grandchildren?
When I can join AARP?

...or is it the time of my deciding?
And if so
What if I never decide?
Or rather, what if I decide that I have all of eternity.

My time could've been up yesterday
How would I have known?
How do you know?

I'm not entirely sure I like the way that sounds.
I don't know
I've never known
and I never will know
when my time is.

Normally it wouldn't bother me
because I could say I don't give a damn if you think I have time.
But
I'm afraid

I've spent so many years listening to it
I'm actually afraid of running out of time.
(Not entirely sure how that's possible)
But I'm scared
I'm scared shitless.

I don't want my time to run out.
Even if I didn't know I had a limited amount of time.

Is that fear supposed to be my motivation?
Quickly! I better make my life decisions while I still have this limited amount of time!
I don't know when it will end!
I don't know when the opportunities will stop!
I'd better grab them now!

...but wait
how can that be?
As long as you live there are opportunities
Infinite possibilities
Unanswered questions
and the unfathomable unknown.

How can I be limited if there's so much to do?
Why does the fear of time stop me in my tracks?
It feels like pressure
Forcing me to make decisions

...I don't like being forced into anything.
It deprives me of options
Deprives me of thinking
and more importantly, deprives me of comfort.

"You have time"
Time to decide what I want to do? Yes
Time to decide when I want to do it? Yes
Time to figure out why I'm on a clock? Yes
Time that runs out? No.

I don't have time
I have a lifetime.
A span of a life
I have time to live
Not time until I die.

Brrr

I sit here
at 9 in the morning
a bit chilly
and pondering.
This is not meant to be a Haiku
I'm just not coherent enough
To write long sentences
...yet.

(Give it like a minute)

I've journeyed back to my hometown
Or at least the closest thing I can call to a hometown
With mixed emotion.

When I first got on the plane I was filled with excitement
Thinking about where I'd go
Who'd I'd see
(...who I'd not see...)
Wondering if things are different
Are they the same?
Will I feel out of place?
Like I don't belong?

Lots of silly little thoughts like pebbles on a beach.

As plane began it's descent
It started to dawn on me
That I was actually going back.
The smile edged away a little
The light in my eyes grew a bit dimmer
And two things happened.

One, I was met with a familiar comforting feeling of knowing
of familiarity
of being able to say "I remember that"
And feeling that nothing has really changed
That I really did come home to a place that I am quite familiar and comfortable with.
And there was a sigh of relief.

But
I was also met with a feeling of sadness
Or rather...mixed emotions
Sadness, Depression, Anger, Confusion
things of that nature.
Why? Because it's the world I left behind
I've spent 2 or 3 years in another state
This doesn't necessarily feel like home to me anymore.
I'm not staying in my own room.
I'm not cooking in my own kitchen
I'm not sleeping on my own couch
because my life isn't here any more.

That's not to say that there's nothing here.
No no
Quite the opposite.
There is still a part of me here
Memories
Dreams
Ambitions

Parts of a younger self that I have all since forgotten.

Which may be the reason that I needed to come here.
to find what it was that made me move on the first time
To put me in that mood

Why leave home?
To try the world on your own
To make your own rules and live by them
To find out what it means to live
And to grow.

To be a new person
A different one.
To learn culture
and pursue what it is that you really want to do.
...even if it doesn't always work out.

Maybe coming back isn't so bad afterall.
...to visit, not to live.

...
I'm fairly certain there was something else I wanted to say
but I can't remember for the life of me.
Perhaps I'll go stand on the roof and take pictures
Or walk to the store I've been to a million times
I'll enjoy the comforts of this place while I can
...but I still want to go home.

Afk

I am a procrastinator.
I admit it
I'm not proud of it
but I admit it.

One of many flaws in my character.
(We all have flaws even if we don't acknowledge them)
(Deal with it)

I don't entirely know why I behave this way
It's never because I am incapable of doing something
But rather that I'm determined to reason myself silly.
And reason, while sounding intelligent doesn't seem to do much
but take up loads of my time.

That's not to say that one shouldn't think about things before they act
God no
We have too much of that as it is.
This is how babies are born
and shows like Jackass or Nick Cannon's Wild N' Out are born.
(yea I said it, so what? Big deal...wanna fight about it?)

But rather, the initial, strong reaction that you have
your...gut instinct, if you will
Is usually right.
If for no other reason than your whole body reacts that way
Mind, Heart..Self.
...most of the time.
For me at least, it's the response that i know I'm going to give eventually
It's just a matter of taking the logical steps to get there.
And while I think about those steps, time passes on and on and on
Sometimes you just start making up steps just so the decision is more firm.
...at least, for me that's how it works.

I have no idea how other people do things
I don't pretend to know
and I damn sure don't think about it.
It's complex
Much like procrastination.
It's insanely complex...and for no apparent reason.

So why do we do it?
Why procrastinate?
Why spend time not doing what you know you will end up doing anyway?
To spare feelings?
To save time?
Because you think that by taking more time you'll feel more secure in your decision?
...that works out well, doesn't it?
Maybe for you it does
But regardless of how much time I spend thinking about it
I rarely feel any more enlightened about it than before I started all that reasoning and logic.
It's like making excuses for an action you haven't even taken yet

...why on earth would you do that?
You take action, -then- deal with it.
How do you prematurely deal with something that hasn't even happened?
And who's to say you're doing it the right way anyway?
No one
There's something else to think about/reason over
It could go on and on
The possibilities are endless
And therein lies the problem.

How can you be forced to making a decision when there are so many possibilities
So many...drawbacks
rewards
consequences.
It's impossible to know
But damned if we don't try.

I often say I don't do something because I'm thinking about all the possible angles
Which clearly can't be done.
There are things that I can't even begin to fathom that could happen
Then what?
What was all that thinking for?
Wasting time.

And you can't ever save time
I will never understand why people think you can.
We were given one (maybe?) life to live
You can't save time and store it in a jar on the shelf
to be later pulled out when you're like 79 in the hospital ward.

*Wheeze*"Son...*cough*...can you bring my jar of 1993?"

No
that's not how that works at all.
You can only spend time wisely.
That's right.

it's like buying fruit or most produce for that matter
You don't try and save it
You eat it before it goes bad and is wasted
...well, middle-class people do anyway

What was I saying?

Oh
You can only spend time wisely
So why spend it on thinking about the infinite possibilities of one simple action
Whether it be deciding to live with giraffes in africa or whether you should move to the left because that guy really smells bad.

Just do it already.
You're not doing anything but inconveniencing yourself
And causing yourself undue stress.

No one likes stress
It makes you feel bad.