Brrr

I sit here
at 9 in the morning
a bit chilly
and pondering.
This is not meant to be a Haiku
I'm just not coherent enough
To write long sentences
...yet.

(Give it like a minute)

I've journeyed back to my hometown
Or at least the closest thing I can call to a hometown
With mixed emotion.

When I first got on the plane I was filled with excitement
Thinking about where I'd go
Who'd I'd see
(...who I'd not see...)
Wondering if things are different
Are they the same?
Will I feel out of place?
Like I don't belong?

Lots of silly little thoughts like pebbles on a beach.

As plane began it's descent
It started to dawn on me
That I was actually going back.
The smile edged away a little
The light in my eyes grew a bit dimmer
And two things happened.

One, I was met with a familiar comforting feeling of knowing
of familiarity
of being able to say "I remember that"
And feeling that nothing has really changed
That I really did come home to a place that I am quite familiar and comfortable with.
And there was a sigh of relief.

But
I was also met with a feeling of sadness
Or rather...mixed emotions
Sadness, Depression, Anger, Confusion
things of that nature.
Why? Because it's the world I left behind
I've spent 2 or 3 years in another state
This doesn't necessarily feel like home to me anymore.
I'm not staying in my own room.
I'm not cooking in my own kitchen
I'm not sleeping on my own couch
because my life isn't here any more.

That's not to say that there's nothing here.
No no
Quite the opposite.
There is still a part of me here
Memories
Dreams
Ambitions

Parts of a younger self that I have all since forgotten.

Which may be the reason that I needed to come here.
to find what it was that made me move on the first time
To put me in that mood

Why leave home?
To try the world on your own
To make your own rules and live by them
To find out what it means to live
And to grow.

To be a new person
A different one.
To learn culture
and pursue what it is that you really want to do.
...even if it doesn't always work out.

Maybe coming back isn't so bad afterall.
...to visit, not to live.

...
I'm fairly certain there was something else I wanted to say
but I can't remember for the life of me.
Perhaps I'll go stand on the roof and take pictures
Or walk to the store I've been to a million times
I'll enjoy the comforts of this place while I can
...but I still want to go home.