Polyamorous Saga (II)

Let me start off by saying
Dragonball: Evolution
was absolutely terrible.
Sorry, but it just was.
But it's the kind of terrible
That you walk into knowing it's going to be bad
It met the level of failure it was supposed to meet.
Didn't pass it, didn't fall short of it
Right on the mark of terrible movie.
I don't know whether to applaud that
or be disgusted.

Anyway
I'm tired
So don't expect this one to be as long
or as detailed as my previous one.
I can't promise the next one or the one after that will be long either
But I feel like it's better than writing nothing at all.

I don't remember where I left off, so I'll just talk about something different.
Same subject, I'm still dealing with polyamory as I view it
and putting it into practical application.

I find myself dealing with surges of jealousy and sadness sometimes
I don't know whether it's because of my nature
or the way I was raised
or if I'm being irrational
or if I'm being normal
I really don't know.
Whatever the case is, it's not something I am pleased with.

Even as I write this entry, I'm not sure whether what I think
is because I'm afraid, or if I'm trying to rationalize
As far as I can tell, there's no line at this point.
I'm not sure whether the things I want to say
helping me expand my views
or just me being crotchety and unbending.
It's hard to say.

I've been thinking a lot
and subsequently drinking a lot as well.
I really don't care if that offends you
I like to drink.

While sipping on some random concoction I made
(I think it was rum, tequila, triple sec, gin, vodka, splash of bitters, apple juice and Hawaiian punch)
(just taking a guess there.)
(Not a good mixture by the way, I swear sometimes I'm the only one who can drink the things I make for fun.)
(Isn't mixology some kind of profession?)
I was watching my housemate's dog run around the backyard.
She began to look at me, and look inside the house like she wanted to go in.
This dog spends 95% of the day inside the house
just sleeping
or bugging the shit out of me
(she's adorable though)
and she always jumps for joy whenever someone so much as mutters the word "Outside"
yet
there she was, staring at me, expecting me to open that door and let her go back inside.
So I did.
I continued sitting there, sipping on my drink, probably losing track of time watching the leaves blow and all that good stuff
And then she started whining at the backdoor
Like...what?
"Didn't I just let you in?"
She wanted to come back outside and romp around.

We proceeded to do this little song and dance until I actually went inside for myself
Locking the door behind me, no longer giving the option of going back outside.
And a few things occurred to me:
1) The dog is crazy
2) She may have just wanted to mess with me (She is rather clever, you know.)
3) She knew what she wanted, and it didn't have to completely be one way
or the other.

Strange lesson to grab from that, I'm sure.
But it got me thinking.
One, amongst many reasons I hate having to make important decisions
is because it feels like I -have- to be one way or the other.
Quite frankly, I hate that.
To me, that's almost the same as having a closed mind.
When you completely accept just doing one thing or the other, you close yourself off to what the other side contains.

At the time, I thought about it in terms of polyamory and monogamy
(Also, why isn't monoamorous a word? Polyamorous is a word and so is Polygamy
but the two mean different things, polygamy implies marriage to different people
whereas polyamory refers to multiple relationships that may not involve sex
but you don't see a singular version of polyamory)
I have strong opinions on both of them
I like and dislike both of them for different reasons
It's impossible for me to be completely one way or the other
Note: I said impossible -for me-
Not for you.
Sometimes I want to be the only person in her life
Sometimes it's okay to love other people.
That's just how I am.
I didn't say it was a good view
But it is how I feel.

While coming to this realization
And accepting that I do actually function that way
Naturally I began to question why
and how.
I'm not sure I ever came up with a conclusion.

I wonder about the details of my feelings
How I came to feel this way
Why does it happen at certain times and not others
When (if ever) will I cease to feel this way?
And I have no answers.
Just faith.
Belief in the idea that one day
I'll know what I need to know.

I also spend an inordinate amount of time
questioning myself and my actions
which I know i'm not supposed to do
But honestly, how can I not?
I'm only human
I want to be better
I want to be a better person
we can only do this by realizing our mistakes, correcting them and doing more self-evaluation from time to time.

I don't know where my mind is right now
I'm too tired to keep on point
but not tired to turn in quite yet.

What did I accomplish with this entry?
Not a goddamn thing really.
But that's okay.
Better to take a step in any direction than no step at all.
Whether or not you're moving forward or backwards, you're still moving.
And sometimes, knowing you can move is all the motivation you need.

"He had delusions of adequacy"
-Walter Kerr

Polyamorous Saga

I'm sorry
But I have to write something here today
I have to because I find myself loosing sleep
I have to because I find myself thinking about
Trivial things again and again and again.
I need...to write down ideas
I need to know where I'm going
And where I came from
Because quite frankly, I'm a bit lost.
Which isn't really all that unusual
Most of the time I don't particularly care about it
Because there's always something that finds me.

Recently my girlfriend, or lover, or future spouse, soulmate, or companion, mi corazon, other fancy names and so on
Proposed to me the idea of a polyamorous relationship.
Which, given our age and surroundings seems like a great idea
But there's one little problem with it
Me.

There's so much feeling and though I have tied up in the idea
that I don't even know where to begin.
I mean really, I haven't the slightest clue.
I've been trying to get a hold of myself on the matter
but it's a very, very, very difficult process.
Perhaps one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with.

First of all, lets define polyamory as I see it.
Poly, meaning many
Amor, meaning love
Polyamory is the concept of having many loves in one's life.
To further this conversation, I suppose we must also define what love is.
Honestly, that may not be possible, so lets see if we can't come up with one along the way.
Polyamory is a deeper concept than I would like to admit
It has less to do with physical intimacy and more to do with
Embracing and accepting love and feelings for more than one person.
Granted, polyamorous people are often seen as sexual deviants, taking part in many
different sexual acts with many different people
(Which may or may not be the case)
But I've since learned that its not always about the sex
(Although, we cannot deny that it does have at least something to do with it
After all, what is an intimate relationship without touch and sensuality?)
More so...just, loving a person.
Loving people.
Being open to the idea that you can and will fall in love with more than just one person
And that it is okay to have these feelings
And it is also okay to act on these feelings.
Embracing them to find out more about yourself and what life has to offer.
By limiting yourself to just one person
You limit that person as well.
You deny yourself both experiences and life lessons that very well could change
your entire life.
By denying you or anyone else the right to love another person
you deprive them of what it means to be human and to love with your heart.
By embracing this, you can find a world beyond conventional means
Beyond the dull confines of society and those around you
And experience...happiness, true pleasure...and joy.
Much like being bi-sexual, it's not about being greedy
It's about opening yourself to what life has to offer and being able to enjoy it fully.
Yes, the traditional pairing of male and female is known as a holy union
Not to be broken
But outside of that is a world of possibilities.
So much of the world is out there offering itself to you
and you deny it out of fear and a strict adherence to the rules that you were brought up with.

Polyamory is about love
About caring, compassion
About becoming a better person
About finding new experience
About learning more about yourself, and others around you
About finding happiness
About finding companionship in many places
About...being happy.

There's so much to be said about it
Yet so little is actually said.
I recently read an excerpt from some piece of literature
(I'm not sure who wrote it or whatever, but you can find it at galadarling.com under the title "Infinite Relationships")
Which made a lot of very good points about it.
Opened my eyes to a lot of things and really made me sit down and think about what I really thought about it all.
One important point that was touched on
If all your friendships are like love affairs
Why can't your love affairs be like friendships?
I took this to mean that when you look at your friendships, you find that there's nothing required of them other than simply being there in your life
There's no specific way they are supposed to happen, and they just play themselves out.
There are no rules, no guidelines, no "it has to be like this"
Your friendships are exactly what you want them to be.
But when we speak of lovers, relationships and intimate involvement
There's so much there on how it Has To be.
Lovers are only supposed to be with each other.
There's a 1 to 1 ratio
Any thoughts outside of that relationship are wrong.
Monogamy is key.
I mean, there's a lot of it.
Think about it...when you hear that people are in a relationship
You automatically assume that there are things they have to do.
When you're in a relationship, you assume that it has to be a certain way in order for it to work.
It has to be so neatly in column A and column B.
But does life really work like that?
Is everything really so black and white?
If it was, I wouldn't be writing this entry right now, and I'd be sleeping soundly.

It's not like that at all.
You can't stop yourself from having feelings for one or many people
That's just how we are.
If we find connections with many people
We want to pursue them
To find out more about ourselves and other people
Expand our horizons
Open ourselves to things that could happen.
People often try to deny it
I know I'm very guilty of it myself.
Very often people are afraid to act on feelings that stir within them
Even though they may feel so right, so correct, so impossible to resist
We have to because it's not right according to the way we were raised.
We're so...imprinted
So...commandable
Like toy soldiers
or racecars with remotes.
Everything we think has been preprogammed that way since birth
and it's damn near impossible to see otherwise sometimes.

I suppose it's time to get to the point of all of this.
Yes, I think I've touched on the definition of polyamory enough to say what I need to say now.
I think it's clear enough that I at least have some idea on what it means to be polyamorous
What it means to love other people
What it means to love, period.

Yet, as I know these things
Putting it into practice is so goddamn difficult.
I'm sorry
I was raised to believe that people are meant to be in pairs.
Pairs
As in 2 people.
Not 3, not 5, not 11.
Just two people sharing an intimate bond with each other.
Yes, they can still have relationships with other people
Friends, Colleagues, Co-workers
But when it comes down to it
You have 1 lover.
1 Person to come home to.
1 person that knows you inside and out
1 person to be with.
Even in the case of a threesome
Yea, it's great to have sex with another person and all
Add a little spice to the relationship
But that's just about sex
Or at least, it's supposed to be.
It's always been very black and white to me.
It's like
You're born, you grow, you go to to school, you may date, you get a job, you get married, you die of old age.
...mostly.
I mean, there are obviously a dickton of details that I'm missing in there, but you get the point.
It's very linear.
I have since learned different, at least about some parts, but I really didn't expect to have my world turned upside down like that.

The problem I have is not with the idea of polyamorous relationships
Hell, I think it's great.
If you and your lover decide it's okay for both of you to have other lovers
and you all get along together, that's great.
The issue I have is as it applies to me.

I like the concept, don't get me wrong
It's just...hard as shit for me to really comprehend.
I've always been okay with the idea of being a 1 woman man.
One women for me to pretty much just give myself to.
Not to say that I want to be her all and her everything
But that we have a bond that nothing comes between.
...and honestly, that nothing else is needed.

The more I think about it, I know it seems incredibly foolish
But that's just what I've always believed.

So I'm incredibly torn between the things that I've always believed
And the idea of things that I know are true.
Knowing something is one thing, truly beliving it is something else.

These past few days I've been getting almost no good sleep
There's so much inner debate going on
So many feelings I have to deal with
So much on my mind
And I don't know what to do about it all.

On the one hand, yes I think it would be cool to give it a try
What do you really have to lose from just giving something a try?
If it works, awesome, if it doesn't then it just doesn't.
Life is way too goddamn short to not even try some things
You never know if you never just try it.
Fear be damned, just think of what opportunities lie ahead
Or don't think about it at all, let the opportunties come and see how they change your life.

On the other hand I think it's unneccesary.
Or at least, I think that's the word.
And this is where my feelings of jealousy, anger, fear and uncertainty kick in
And they do a wonderful job of beating my ass and kicking me while I'm down.
So many times I've questioned my self worth
Compared myself to ther people
Tried to figure out what makes me different from others
And finding that I am in general not a good person.
So many thoughts keeping me from understanding what i want to understand.

My girlfriend told me that what I'm feeling is fear
And my mind trying to protect me from getting hurt.
I believe that.
You can't get hurt if you never jump off the bridge, right?
But on the other hand
You'll never know just how fun that jump can be if you never try.

Honestly, I want it to stop.
I want this roller coaster to be over already.
Seriously.
But i know it won't.
It's nothing something that's easily solved overnight.
It's a constant thing
And I constantly have to keep in mind that I need to keep an open mind.
Really, a very open mind
Without the ability to see other perspectives
You're blind.
And there's nothing worse than those that are blind and refuse to admit it.
That is sheer foolishness.
I may act foolish at times, but I am not a fool.
I believe so muvh that there are things to be learned from this
I really look forward to what it is that I might discover about myself.

But by God, it is hard.

To those of you reading this
I want to clarify something.
I'm beyond giving it consideration
I've already said yes
and I stand by that decision
Although at times, I may wonder why it was that I agreed to it.
Somewhere along the lines, I had a stunning revelation
and like I told her, it felt like I'd opened windows that I forget were there.
And there is new air.
I just have to remember how to get back to that spot
That state of...a sort of nirvana
Because I need it.
I need that state of mind.
Without it, I don't know what I will do.

I'm so incredibly scared about so much
I'm afraid to be myself
I'm afraid to know myself
I'm afraid to find out things about myself.
But I'm also curious
There's a small fire there
Something telling me that I need to do this
I need this like I need air
The fire needs kindling
...I can't let it die.
I won't let it die.


...I've titled this the Polyamorous Saga because I intend to write more on this.
Now that I've opened up this can of worms
I feel I can write more freely about how I feel
and maybe in doing so, I'll help myself understand myself better.
So stay tuned, if you want to
If not, I really don't care.
This isn't about you.

In the night, I hear them talk

"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses."
-Margaret Millar

I like that statement
One, because I believe it's true
Two, because I know it's true.
Three, just cause it's funny.

True, I have this "insane" habit of having full conversations with myself
I'm not ashamed of it
I like to talk to myself
I'm a good audience
And I respond properly.
But we've been through this before.
(Check a previous entry, not sure which one)

A couple of days ago, I had a discussion with myself
about Pokemon.
Yes, Pokemon.
And I was trying to figure out just how to work it into an entry
2 days later I figured I'd just write it down anyway.

In case you have no idea
Pokemon is a Japanese/American sensation that swept the country over 10 years ago.
(For full details, please consult Wikipedia...that place works wonders)
Anyway, this is roughly the conversation I had with myself:

So, around 10 years ago...in 1997, according the the title screen of the original pokemon games
America and children all around the USA/Japan were introduced to pokemon.
Pokemon, Pocket Monsters.
Quite possibly on of the best RPGs to date.
Don't look at me like that.
Be offended all you want to, it's a damn good RPG.
Think about it.
You have a solid storyline, a main character, items, NPCs, endless battles
A great battle system, and the ability to change your party as well as learn new moves
and develop strategies to figure out puzzles and defeat bosses.
And there's also the notion that you're saving the world because you're fighting against
Team Rocket...they may be stupid, but they are trying to control the world.
It's just a good game.
I know it was "Americanized" and overly popular, but there's reason for it.
Now I will admit, they got a bit ridiculous with it.
I mean, I was fine with the original versions
Y'know the old Red and Blue cartridges.
Personally, I liked Blue more, just cause.
150 creatures to catch and tame (151 if you used the gameshark)
Missingno. cheat, infinite rare candies (well, it was more like 120, but close enough)
I even caught a level 167 squirtle a few times.
He was a beast.
8 badges, then you fought the elite 4, and eventually you could catch Mewtwo, the unstoppable psychic pokemon.
That was great, when you beat the game, you felt good.
You also felt like no one could touch you because your pokemon are all level 100 from the rare candy cheat.
Then there was Pokemon Yellow
Which was...okay? I suppose.
Never played it, but same principal, just this time you had a yellow rat follow you.
Eh, whatever.
But then, yes then they came out with Pokemon Gold and Silver.
Ah yes, Gold and Silver.
Yea, they added a few more pokemon...about a hundred or so
But with that came some new twists on the game.
New classes, new types and new adventure.
It was good, they finally added a class that could beat the snot out of Psychics.
(well, that had one before, but no one was about to raise a level 100 Bug, that's just stupid)
In this one, cheating was a bit harder, but you worked a lot more, and it felt good.
Yea, there was still the quest for 8 badges or whatever
But when you did that
You could go back, to the original 8 gym leaders
and get the original 8 badges on top of the 8 badges you already had
A total of 16 badges.
You were the fucking man.
No one could tell you shit.
But wait it got better
You could then go and smack around the Elite 4 -again-
Although, this time, they tried to make it 5 because they didn't think you could handle it
But you did
And you beat the snot out of them.
Bitches.
And finally, if you ever had a doubt about just how badass you really were
After catching all the legendary pokemon, and just being the best damn trainer out there.
You could challenge Ash Ketchem, from the original trainer from the Pokemon Red and Blue games.
Like
That's the ultimate challenge
He was only there once, and whether you won or lost, he disappeared forever.
But if you won,
Boy, if you won...
No one could tell you shit.
No one.
Not one single person could take away your pride.
You worked for that shit.
You were The -BEST- Pokemon Trainer...ever.
Beating Gold and Silver made you feel good about life.
Made you feel like you accomplished something.
I know I felt fantastic.
I felt like I was the shit.
May not have stopped world hunger, or poverty
But damned if I didn't feel good.

And there it was, just when you felt on top of the world
they started coming out with -more- pokemon games.
Crystal, Fire Red, Leaf Green, Diamond, Pearl and now Platinum.
I'm sorry, but What the Fuck?
No.
Just, No.
Why are you trying to steal my joy.
What makes you think anything can top how I felt after beating Gold and/or Silver.
You fail Nintendo, you fail hard.

Just one last bit about Pokemon here...
Why is it that Ash Ketchem in the animated series has been training for like...10+ years
But he's only aged twice, and he still loses fights.
Seriously
Shouldn't that yellow rat be like level 500 by now?
What the fuck is he doing?
What are these animators doing?
He should be unstoppable....Unstoppable damnit.
Fuck that "spirit of never giving up" shit.
He should be a goddamn force of nature.

I will never understand these animated series and how they just go on for like a decade.
Let's take for example Dragon Ball, the series.
Eventually we stopped watching it because there was always a New Strongest Power in the Universe.
I mean, I like watching people getting their ass kicking with waves of explosive power and all.
But seriously
Every fucking season was a new strongest power...ever.
Clearly, someone wasn't doing their homework.

It's just strange to see things that we like so much
Get turned into sheer hatred.
I mean, I loved Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z.
And now they're trying to make it into a Live Action movie.
No.
Just, no.
Why can't they let the good times just stay in the past?
They're fucking up my childhood.
Let me have my little victories.
Don't take them away, please.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I had this conversation with myself
In the shower.
I have many conversations like this with myself
And I wonder if I'm weird.
Well of course I am.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I forget what my point was
I think I just felt like typing today.
So be it.