12.4.09

Polyamorous Saga (II)

Let me start off by saying
Dragonball: Evolution
was absolutely terrible.
Sorry, but it just was.
But it's the kind of terrible
That you walk into knowing it's going to be bad
It met the level of failure it was supposed to meet.
Didn't pass it, didn't fall short of it
Right on the mark of terrible movie.
I don't know whether to applaud that
or be disgusted.

Anyway
I'm tired
So don't expect this one to be as long
or as detailed as my previous one.
I can't promise the next one or the one after that will be long either
But I feel like it's better than writing nothing at all.

I don't remember where I left off, so I'll just talk about something different.
Same subject, I'm still dealing with polyamory as I view it
and putting it into practical application.

I find myself dealing with surges of jealousy and sadness sometimes
I don't know whether it's because of my nature
or the way I was raised
or if I'm being irrational
or if I'm being normal
I really don't know.
Whatever the case is, it's not something I am pleased with.

Even as I write this entry, I'm not sure whether what I think
is because I'm afraid, or if I'm trying to rationalize
As far as I can tell, there's no line at this point.
I'm not sure whether the things I want to say
helping me expand my views
or just me being crotchety and unbending.
It's hard to say.

I've been thinking a lot
and subsequently drinking a lot as well.
I really don't care if that offends you
I like to drink.

While sipping on some random concoction I made
(I think it was rum, tequila, triple sec, gin, vodka, splash of bitters, apple juice and Hawaiian punch)
(just taking a guess there.)
(Not a good mixture by the way, I swear sometimes I'm the only one who can drink the things I make for fun.)
(Isn't mixology some kind of profession?)
I was watching my housemate's dog run around the backyard.
She began to look at me, and look inside the house like she wanted to go in.
This dog spends 95% of the day inside the house
just sleeping
or bugging the shit out of me
(she's adorable though)
and she always jumps for joy whenever someone so much as mutters the word "Outside"
yet
there she was, staring at me, expecting me to open that door and let her go back inside.
So I did.
I continued sitting there, sipping on my drink, probably losing track of time watching the leaves blow and all that good stuff
And then she started whining at the backdoor
Like...what?
"Didn't I just let you in?"
She wanted to come back outside and romp around.

We proceeded to do this little song and dance until I actually went inside for myself
Locking the door behind me, no longer giving the option of going back outside.
And a few things occurred to me:
1) The dog is crazy
2) She may have just wanted to mess with me (She is rather clever, you know.)
3) She knew what she wanted, and it didn't have to completely be one way
or the other.

Strange lesson to grab from that, I'm sure.
But it got me thinking.
One, amongst many reasons I hate having to make important decisions
is because it feels like I -have- to be one way or the other.
Quite frankly, I hate that.
To me, that's almost the same as having a closed mind.
When you completely accept just doing one thing or the other, you close yourself off to what the other side contains.

At the time, I thought about it in terms of polyamory and monogamy
(Also, why isn't monoamorous a word? Polyamorous is a word and so is Polygamy
but the two mean different things, polygamy implies marriage to different people
whereas polyamory refers to multiple relationships that may not involve sex
but you don't see a singular version of polyamory)
I have strong opinions on both of them
I like and dislike both of them for different reasons
It's impossible for me to be completely one way or the other
Note: I said impossible -for me-
Not for you.
Sometimes I want to be the only person in her life
Sometimes it's okay to love other people.
That's just how I am.
I didn't say it was a good view
But it is how I feel.

While coming to this realization
And accepting that I do actually function that way
Naturally I began to question why
and how.
I'm not sure I ever came up with a conclusion.

I wonder about the details of my feelings
How I came to feel this way
Why does it happen at certain times and not others
When (if ever) will I cease to feel this way?
And I have no answers.
Just faith.
Belief in the idea that one day
I'll know what I need to know.

I also spend an inordinate amount of time
questioning myself and my actions
which I know i'm not supposed to do
But honestly, how can I not?
I'm only human
I want to be better
I want to be a better person
we can only do this by realizing our mistakes, correcting them and doing more self-evaluation from time to time.

I don't know where my mind is right now
I'm too tired to keep on point
but not tired to turn in quite yet.

What did I accomplish with this entry?
Not a goddamn thing really.
But that's okay.
Better to take a step in any direction than no step at all.
Whether or not you're moving forward or backwards, you're still moving.
And sometimes, knowing you can move is all the motivation you need.

"He had delusions of adequacy"
-Walter Kerr

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Atlanta, Georgia, United States
Let's keep this simple. I don't like vegetables.