strings

There is something
on the tip of my mind
the tip of my tongue
the tip of...my penis?
Well, that could be lint.
I digress.

I often scour the internet when I'm feeling particularly
puzzled
about polyamory
and what it means
what it means to me
what it means to Baby
what it means to That Guy.
What it means to people.
In general.

I take a look at both positive and negative views
And see how I feel
See if I can...how you say, relate.
I do, and I don't.
Like everyone else.
No one's story is ever the same.
And I am not different
but I am...different.

I read Laurell K. Hamilton's books
about Anita Blake
the Vampire Hunter
Not just because it's about Vampires and Shapeshifters
and the Preternatual.
(Yes, I had to look that word up too.)
Or because it's a bit erotic sometimes
(read: anything past book 8(?), and you're just waiting for it)
But also because
the main character, Anita Blake
is involved with a lot of different men
Trying to...and dealing with these new relationships
and old ones.
How they change, how the grow, or how they fail.
I find it very interesting, intriguing if you will
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't looking for answers of my own.
But that's why I continue to read.
Sometimes I find new understanding
Sometimes I'm left feeling upset
and sometimes I'm just downright confused.
(Which I often am, so it's really not all that different)

But there are times, as I said when I scour the internet
to find my answers
or to help me ask the questions I need
for the answers I already have.
I cannot yet say if my reactions are positive or negative
Because truly, it is a blend of both and neither.
It's a very rugged, twisting, sliding, scary, yet exhilarating path
to self discovery.
What have I discovered?
I don't know.
I'm still finding out.
Perhaps I'll always be finding out.
Perhaps I'll never find out.
But the point of a journey is to get somewhere.
Now what you do along the way,
That's something completely different.

I find that in looking for...stories, or guidance
I seem to run into more articles written by women
Moreover...women with a very similar attitude.
Which isn't a bad thing
Just leaves me with more questions
...for myself.
I mean, I'm grateful to learn how some people may think of these things
But I for one
feel as though
as I said
I am different.

I searched facebook for a poly group
and found one
read an article or two
learned some new things
but then
I looked at the wall
And people spoke of hookups
(which is expected)
and joining other groups to make it
...more...accessible to the public?

And I realize in looking at this
That I don't care about that.
I find that in searching for answers in groups
or gatherings
I am often deeply uninterested in what the crowd has to say
I'm often looking for an answer
or at least
a good story.

I want to find what it is that I'm searching for.
What am I searching for?
Understanding.
Not so much understanding of other people
Because everyone is entitled to their own actions
I have no problems with that
(as long as you learn to accept your responsibilities)
But
I'm searching for understanding
within my self.
Accepting
within my self.

Surely
there are times when I feel alone in it.
But that's the path I chose to walk.
Because
for the most part
I really don't care what else is going on
I came for a purpose
I will leave with a purpose.
I just forget
that I am not designed to be alone always.

So what do I do?
I continue.
I don't have to like it.
I may learn to someday
but I don't have to.
And the choice is what makes it important.

I am also searching
for a different relationship of my own
But as I've said in previous posts
I'm not entirely sure what that means.
So I have difficulty.
I'm aware (vaguely) that it has to do with following your feelings
or your...attraction, your heart or whatever you want to call it.
But as I said in parenthesis
It's very vague to me.

I do not know how to woo
to seduce
or even how to flirt really.
Not that I particularly care to.
But I am interested in learning.

For everytime
she takes a phone call
and I will myself to leave the room
I must find
something
to do.

And this is where my problem lies.
Not within the actions
not within those involved
but within
myself.
I
must find
something
to do.