real

So next week Ariel is going off to visit Alexander
Well, it's not a direct trip, but it's close enough.
She'll be away from home for the better part of 2 weeks
(week and a half, whatever.)
And during that time I can only assume they'll see each other
at least once.
(Probably a lot more)

How do I feel about that?
To be honest, I'm not quite sure.
On the one hand, part of me is still like
Augh, wtf!
They're gonna...they're gonna have sexual relations!
Oh no!
Or rather...
It's possible they might have sexual relations!
Oh no!

I guess that's both my fear and something I'm critically aware of.
It's also difficult for me to really break it down
Because well, I just don't know that many people that I could talk to about it.
To be fair, I'll probably just end up telling some random bar patron about it
That usually makes me feel better
But it also sucks for the sheer reason that most people just don't get it

I mean, that's what poly relationships are.
Consenting adult relationships between multiple people
where boundaries, rules and respect are demanded.

I understand this all, y'know, and it makes sense
But I just can't stop this little voice in my head that adds
"in theory"
to everything.

That's what poly relationships are (in theory)
Consenting adult...demanded ...(in theory)

It's hard to go off of "in theory"
because a theory is just a theory.
It's also one of those words that gets weird lookin if you write it out enough.
I am terrible with my explanations, I understand this
Let me try that again:

In the realm of possibilities, I understand how this is supposed to work
conceptually
In the realm of reality, it's a bit more difficult to put it into practice
Not to say there's really anything I can do to stop or change this at this point
which does eat at me on occasion

The fact of the matter is this:
My serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has another relationship with a somewhat close friend of mine
Their relationship is similar, yet also different
As it stands, I am completely aware of him
just as he is completely aware of me
We both acknowledge this, and each other's respective place in her life.
They haven't seen each other for the better part of 3 years or so
Understandably, there will be some sort of tension between the two of them
upon her arrival.
I am to understand that it is not a matter of rivalry, or replacement
but something more like a parallel.
We're headed towards the same destination
Each road is just a little different.

The question is, do I trust her and him?
Trust them to do what?
I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what they might do that I don't already know about
It's not deceptive
I'm completely aware of how they feel about each other.
Does it bother me?
A little, sure.
I'm an only child raised in a mostly single parent home
I don't particularly like to share.
I understand the need of things to be shared
How it can bring joy to many people instead of just one
That doesn't mean it's gonna change how I feel immediately.

I needed to write this out because I need to face facts.
For the better part of 2 years I'd been thinking about when this day would come
I wouldn't say I've been preparing for it
But learning how to deal with it better.
2 years ago I might've considered it cheating
I might've thought there was something wrong with me
That she wanted to leave me
That somewhere along the line, shit got fucked up.

These are all based on fears and insecurities.

And to be honest, I still have to deal with them
But that's the thing
At least I can deal with it now.
Before I probably would just break down
or better yet, just walked away.

I'm still learning to deal with this
because I can't stop the voices in my head
the things telling me that so much bad shit could happen
Has any bad shit happened yet? No
But it could!
That's what they say.

I've never seen a relationship like mine before
And that scares me
I still can't find a relationship that works as well as mine
And that scares me
I don't want this relationship to end
And that scares me
A lot of things scare me
But i don't really have much of a choice.
Part of being an adult is dealing with shit that scares you.
Sometimes it works in your favor
Sometimes it doesn't
But life doesn't really give you the choice.

I'm not sure what it is that life gives you
Does it give anything?
Or do you just kinda have to take it?

It took the better part of 20 years for me to find someone that loves and understands me
in a way that feels natural to me
That's not something I'm willing to part with easily.
On the other hand, having this poly lifestyle also means I should be able to find
other people that will be important to me
Do I have to wait another 20 years for that?

bj

Was it love or was it lust?
That's the question that's been plaguing me for most of the day.
Or was it anything at all?

Yes, it was something
of that I am to some degree certain.
Naturally, I doubt myself
but who doesn't?

I doubt myself often because I have some deep need to punish myself
Lord only knows why.
Seriously
I have some serious masochistic tendencies
I abuse the shit out of my emotions
For no good reason.

Rather, there is a reason
I know that pain
I embrace that pain
That pain is something I know I can trust in
It sounds incredibly stupid
to be fair, it is incredibly stupid
But that's just how I am.

So was it love or was it lust?
Is it passion, or was it just a burst of feeling?
A lingering feeling.
A feeling that bothers me sometimes
when I'm minding my own business.
Am I dwelling?
Yes.
Am I brooding?
Possibly, I have been known to do it on many occasions.

But why think about it?
Why now?
Could've been that book
Or maybe its just the time for it.

Because I want to -know-.
I want to be certain.
I can't go off of percentages
75% isn't enough.
I need to know

But do I really?
Is this any different than times before?
I don't know.
Is it my sheer foolishness?
Most likely.
Then what am I doing?
I haven't the slightest clue.
What should I do?
That's a hell of a good question.

What will I do?
Only time can tell.

What happened there?

Why did it happen?

Questions.
They never stop
The never cease
They do pause sometimes
and I have a period of respite

But they come back
with the same fervor.

And they always seem to go unanswered.

But I am a child of obsession
a creature of habit
a masochistic miser
and I just
keep
going.

Which moments are those we choose to hold dear to us?
Are they love, or are they lust?

Leepa Chai

Yes, I did watch Pootie Tang today
No, I don't know why I enjoy that movie so much
I just do.

Yes, I have been saying those silly phrases all day
No, I don't really know what they mean
But it's fun.

That being said

Lately I feel like someone out of a Murakami novel
Which is to say
Ordinary.

The thing I love about Murakami's characters is that they are mostly
completely normal.
I mean, yes they are strange in their own ways
But believable ways.
Everyone has quirks right? Of course.
But what better way to relate someone than to show those quirks?
But of course we all have chores and errands and business to take care of
Sometimes it's something more...public like paying rent
or sometimes it's something less talked about like masturbation.
The point is, we all do it, and it's a very relative thing.

In Murakami's novels, you have these very normal people
Doing semi-normal, but believable things
When something slightly less than normal turns into something far from normal.
Which I find incredibly interesting.
I love how he takes simple slight strange acts and turns them into a gripping mystery.

For example, in "Dance Dance Dance", the protagonist is just some guy
that does a lot of busy work. Nothing too specific, he just does the job he's paid for
Is it hard? Not particularly
Is it tedious? Sure, if you let it be
Could he do something else? Absolutely
But he doesn't
He does what he does because he's efficient at it
Because he's been doing it for a while
And he knows how to get it done.
See? Ordinary.
No extra riskiness, no extra catch
Just like a dude shoveling snow.

There's this woman that he lived with
For a good time he didn't know her name
Or some such thing
But one day she just up and left
No note, no goodbye, nothing.
Just left.

First a day, then a week, then a month and so forth
No words, no letters, nothing.
She was just gone.

Still alive, yes.
But not there.

Strange, but not unheard of
This then progresses into what turns out to be a sort of strange chasing game.
And with each step of the chase something new is unfolded
He finds himself in places he never thought he'd be
doing things that he wasn't sure he ever had time for
or the nuts to do
And it continues to evolve the story, and the protagonist.

Something unordinary turned into something strange
Murakami's work is...riveting to me, in case you couldn't tell.

But that's how I feel
Very...ordinary.
Which is particularly odd to me
Because I'm not particularly ordinary.
I'm normal, sure
But not ordinary.
Not extraordinary
Not some kind of special
Just not...ordinary.
I'm not mediocre, milquetoast or melancholy.
Yet I feel that's the direction of my life right now

This confuses me.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be searching for something
or if something is searching for me
I don't know if I'm supposed to express myself
or let the expression come through me.
I don't know if I'm supposed to know
Or if the knowledge will come to me
I feel...not stuck, but not moving either
There aren't very good words to describe it
Yet, I have all the words in the dictionary.

In love, in life, I don't know if I'm supposed to search
Or what it is I'm supposed to be searching for.

Lately I've been trying to understand the so called...
Spark
that comes between attracted people.
To me the sparks are different
Which is to say, i can find a woman very attractive
and desire her on that level
yet i don't feel any pull that's different than any other beautiful woman
Is that my fault?
Is it because I'm unreceptive?
Or is it because there just isn't a special spark there?
What is a special spark?
Would I know it if it were there?

It's like being in a room full of doors
How do you know which one to pick?
Intuition?
Logic?
Process of elimination?
All of the above?
None of the above?
How does anyone know?

So I find myself looking towards the "sparks" in my life that have had some kind of impact on me
I find that they aren't sparks at all
But rather some force or spacial differentiation that I have no idea of
I don't have a spark with my wife
I have a bond-thing
It's something I've never questioned
Because it doesn't need to be questioned.
It answers itself
Or rather it produces no unnecessary answers.

So I look elsewhere.
Unfortunately, diving into this elsewhere
leads me down roads I'd rather not go.
For one reason or another.

So I sit here, tired.
Thinking
Not thinking
Doing
Doing nothing
Pursuing
Waiting for nothing at all
Wondering

I can't find words
I never can
My thoughts go too fast
Like pictures without captions.
Whole worlds of thought and possiblity
passed through impulses in my brain
before I can blink

Yet, it seems like forever
Inside my head there are millions of endless strings of conscienceness
or consciencelessness
And nothing I can do to stop them
or express them in the right words

I actually find my own mouth to be a handicap
And while typing is nice
it just doesn't move fast enough.

There is a stairway
leading to a room
but the steps are hollow
each click of a heel
sends echos spiraling into the darkness below

But where does it lead?
Where did it come from?
And why am I here?