bj

Was it love or was it lust?
That's the question that's been plaguing me for most of the day.
Or was it anything at all?

Yes, it was something
of that I am to some degree certain.
Naturally, I doubt myself
but who doesn't?

I doubt myself often because I have some deep need to punish myself
Lord only knows why.
Seriously
I have some serious masochistic tendencies
I abuse the shit out of my emotions
For no good reason.

Rather, there is a reason
I know that pain
I embrace that pain
That pain is something I know I can trust in
It sounds incredibly stupid
to be fair, it is incredibly stupid
But that's just how I am.

So was it love or was it lust?
Is it passion, or was it just a burst of feeling?
A lingering feeling.
A feeling that bothers me sometimes
when I'm minding my own business.
Am I dwelling?
Yes.
Am I brooding?
Possibly, I have been known to do it on many occasions.

But why think about it?
Why now?
Could've been that book
Or maybe its just the time for it.

Because I want to -know-.
I want to be certain.
I can't go off of percentages
75% isn't enough.
I need to know

But do I really?
Is this any different than times before?
I don't know.
Is it my sheer foolishness?
Most likely.
Then what am I doing?
I haven't the slightest clue.
What should I do?
That's a hell of a good question.

What will I do?
Only time can tell.

What happened there?

Why did it happen?

Questions.
They never stop
The never cease
They do pause sometimes
and I have a period of respite

But they come back
with the same fervor.

And they always seem to go unanswered.

But I am a child of obsession
a creature of habit
a masochistic miser
and I just
keep
going.

Which moments are those we choose to hold dear to us?
Are they love, or are they lust?