Accidents

It's overcast and chilly outside, I love days like this

but I hate the way I feel sometimes.

I don't like using the words love and hate because they're really diametrically similar

Which I suppose doesn't make a lot of sense

But they're both notions of extreme passion just with opposite intentions.

But that's neither here or there.

I'm procrastinating. 

We already know that I'm bad at just saying what I want to say

For whatever reason.

First of all, 

I had to come to terms with something last night

while having a couple of drinks with a good friend of  mine

I always enjoy gleaning life advice from his stories.

I'm not over it.

I hesitated on which pronoun to use at the end of that last sentence

I'm not over it, and what it meant to me

or why it meant so much to me to begin with.

It hurt. Still does.

It keeps me from wanting to do anything else sometimes.

Not all the time, I've gotten better since then

But in these moments, when my life feels like it's taking a good thrashing

I find myself stuck in the rut of what -it- was.

I know what's not a good place to stay

But there's only so much I can do to get away from it.

No one wants to hear about it, no one can tell me anything more than what's already been said

Doesn't change much.

But then again, this little excerpt was probably already too much.

But see, you have to understand

It was a highlight in my life.

Doing what I loved, having fun, drinking, being a little but not too reckless.

It was...ideal.

Or the closest thing I'd ever had.

So maybe it's not just that i'm not over it

It's that it was so good it hurt.

And despite my innate technical and mechanical nature

I can't fix that.

I can fix broken pieces

I can re-assemble broken things

But I can't fix something that doesn't exist anymore.

And that, is the saddest truth to me.

So get a new car they say.

Just buy it.

Pardon my contemporary vernacular, but

Nigga, I'm broke.

In more than one sense.

Accidents happen.

i've heard the term "happy accident" before

But I don't really think that's an accident

A happy coincidence? Sure.

A bit of luck? Absolutely.

But happy accident?

Nah dude. Just nah.

I got hit by a car a little over a week ago.

I feel like a shattered window

that someone else broke with a baseball

It's not really going to stop you from doing anything that needs to get done

but it does make a large mess of things

My windows are broken

I'm a little unhinged

In the summer there are too many mosquitos

and it's starting to get cold.

I need my windows fixed

or new ones, I'm not really picky.

I think I understand a bit now.

The difference between a house and a home is the feeling you get when you're there

The spirit of the house

The sense that it's lived in

That certainty that it's there.

I'm a home spirit without external walls.

But I do have windows

And they're busted.

And the cold air is seeping in.

I had a moment today

A moment where everything stopped

And I became super focused on one thing

On just this one thing

And it sucks

because it was a person.

It wasn't a life changing event

I didn't come to some sense of enlightment

No clouds parted to grant me wisdom

I just froze

Time just froze

the air just froze

For a second there was no life

For a second there was no death

...and I hated it.

First the hypothesis, now the experiment, then we'll analyze.

I've decided to do something different

Being honest with myself

I mean being really honest with myself

about this whole world of poly.

it exists, I am a part of it

I embrace it

I embody it.

My actual living will say more than my words ever can.

And what message is that?

What's the message that I want to communicate.

That it can work

it does work

It sucks sometimes, but it's also really useful too.

You don't have to do it, no

But there's nothing wrong with it if it's what works for me.

I haven't reached that stage where i say "oh yes, I love being poly"

Because I haven't had many people to share it with

It's hard to do so when I'm not looking in the right direction.

I'd like to say that's everyone else's fault for encouraging me to be upset

But it's mine.

It's my fault for wanting to feed into it

for actively not trying to understand what I already knew.

I wanted to be dragged kicking and screaming

and that's what I've done

I've been drawing it out

I've been lashing out

I've vocalized my negative opinions more than a dozen times

And yet, here I am.

Accepting it for what it really is has been a tough time in my life

and I've devoted so much energy to fighting it

and there was never even a good reason to do so.

I'm not going to rehash on issues that come up in relationships that everyone knows about

I mean seriously, it doesn't matter if you're married, the boyfriend, girlfriend, mistress, side chick, side dude, "fwb" (i keep telling people this doesn't exist), fling, rentadick, whatever.

Everyone goes through the same shit

And it's always the same things that break down every relationship

no communication.

You have to talk, and trust me, I really hate talking.

But you have to do it

No matter how much you grit your teeth while doing so

it has to be done

I just said I wasn't going to harp on this

so I'm not.

I said all this to say, I'm going away for a week.

Why I planned on being gone a whole week, I really don't know.

Seriously, I feel like that was stupid.

The other two members of this household will be here alone

this time with my blessing

I'm putting my trust in them.

And yes, it's hard

But realistically, I know, or at least have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen while I'm gone.

For me, the worst case scenario is usually involving sex

(which goes into my own issues about insecurity, but that's for another time)

But I already know they have sex.

I don't know when, no. That's not my thing.

I don't really want to participate,

(to be honest, I just don't find her partner attractive, he's always had that older brother vibe to me, it's kinda icky)

But I'm aware of it.

So, y'know

It is what it is.

And so that's been my guideline

I told her I know you guys may or may not have sex, just be safe and clean up after yourselves

Does it bother me that it'll probably be on my couch?

A little, I can't lie about that.

But at least I don't have to be around for it.

(not like that time her drunk friend and her boyfriend stayed over, that was...

...interesting)

Sometimes I don't really feel like driving her to work

For whatever reason

I don't have to

I also don't have to make her take scary public transportation

because he's around too

Most of time, I still like to, and I tell her so

but if i'm just not feeling it, I don't have to be a jerk about it

He's just as willing to. (Supposedly.)

I can't always make sure she gets to where she needs to be on time

Most of the time I do

but I work late nights, it's not always possible

with him around the odds go up way higher.

His schedule isn't the perfect opposite of mine or hers either

We all kinda fumble around sometimes, but we're generally pretty good at that kind of management

Despite that there really isn't enough room 

We really all kind of live together

(it's...not uncomplicated)

I'm looking for a bigger place for us to all live in together

I still need to work out the actual logistics

but those really revolve around one thing

time management.

I don't have a job that requires me to leave for days at a time

neither does he

so we'll need to figure out some kind of plan that works for all of us

Not 100% sure how that'll work, but that's my next step.

But for now, as I said, the experiment.

And what will I do when I come back?