Accidents

It's overcast and chilly outside, I love days like this

but I hate the way I feel sometimes.

I don't like using the words love and hate because they're really diametrically similar

Which I suppose doesn't make a lot of sense

But they're both notions of extreme passion just with opposite intentions.

But that's neither here or there.

I'm procrastinating. 

We already know that I'm bad at just saying what I want to say

For whatever reason.

First of all, 

I had to come to terms with something last night

while having a couple of drinks with a good friend of  mine

I always enjoy gleaning life advice from his stories.

I'm not over it.

I hesitated on which pronoun to use at the end of that last sentence

I'm not over it, and what it meant to me

or why it meant so much to me to begin with.

It hurt. Still does.

It keeps me from wanting to do anything else sometimes.

Not all the time, I've gotten better since then

But in these moments, when my life feels like it's taking a good thrashing

I find myself stuck in the rut of what -it- was.

I know what's not a good place to stay

But there's only so much I can do to get away from it.

No one wants to hear about it, no one can tell me anything more than what's already been said

Doesn't change much.

But then again, this little excerpt was probably already too much.

But see, you have to understand

It was a highlight in my life.

Doing what I loved, having fun, drinking, being a little but not too reckless.

It was...ideal.

Or the closest thing I'd ever had.

So maybe it's not just that i'm not over it

It's that it was so good it hurt.

And despite my innate technical and mechanical nature

I can't fix that.

I can fix broken pieces

I can re-assemble broken things

But I can't fix something that doesn't exist anymore.

And that, is the saddest truth to me.

So get a new car they say.

Just buy it.

Pardon my contemporary vernacular, but

Nigga, I'm broke.

In more than one sense.

Accidents happen.

i've heard the term "happy accident" before

But I don't really think that's an accident

A happy coincidence? Sure.

A bit of luck? Absolutely.

But happy accident?

Nah dude. Just nah.

I got hit by a car a little over a week ago.

I feel like a shattered window

that someone else broke with a baseball

It's not really going to stop you from doing anything that needs to get done

but it does make a large mess of things

My windows are broken

I'm a little unhinged

In the summer there are too many mosquitos

and it's starting to get cold.

I need my windows fixed

or new ones, I'm not really picky.

I think I understand a bit now.

The difference between a house and a home is the feeling you get when you're there

The spirit of the house

The sense that it's lived in

That certainty that it's there.

I'm a home spirit without external walls.

But I do have windows

And they're busted.

And the cold air is seeping in.