it's past my bedtime.

I, for one

am angry.

To be completely fair,

I'm often angry.

There's a lot of energy in anger

and I usually need to get a lot of shit done.

It never seems that way to other people

but I'm not really known for being concerned about other people.

Except when I am.

And therein lies my problem.

I don't care, until I do

But when I do

I really care.

So much that it's annoying

And so much more annoying when it's not beneficial.

I met someone

online

but

I met someone.

I then met that one

in person

but

I just met them.

That meeting turned into another one

and another one after that.

 3.

That's all I got.

3.

However, I was promised many.

So I am angry.

Now, to be completely verbatim,

the words "promise" or "swear to"

were never used

But

Other things were said.

Other commitments were made

Other ideas were flourished out

to become reality.

And yet

3

is all I got.

I am upset.

The thing is

I still don't know why.

It's not been explained to me in a way that I can comprehend

My questions remained unanswered

My mind remains in turmoil.

(Turmoil may be a bit excessive, but I'm writing here)

So I am angry.

But mostly

I am hurt.

Something about it rubs me the wrong way consistently.

And it hurts.

Like walking around all day with a pebble in my shoe.

But I just can't find it.

So it's uncomfortable

annoying

borderline painful

and all i can think about.

It's all I can focus on

But nothing I know how to fix.

All I'm left with is a lot of "why"

So many "why"s

Very few "because"s.

"Let it go"

I hear that a lot.

And, I would

if there were a way to do that without being

...ice cold.

I don't like being ice cold.

I am completely capable of it

I just don't like it.

And yet

I'm starting to feel my hand being forced.

I do not like this.

This does not please me.

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I am saddened.

So much promise

So very much.

Such a world of joy

Such a world of delight

To see this

To touch this

To be in this

And then

To be isolated from it.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am saddened

I am bitter.

My thoughts linger

like bad smells

with no open windows.

They stir

They cause unrest

They make me

feel

like shit.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am saddened

I am bitter

I am not taking this well.

 Stress piles up

Work days get longer

People annoy me

Life gets harder

My body is tired

My mind is exhausted

My spirit

well shit

I don't even know where that is.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am saddened

I am bitter

I am not taking this well

And I'm way too fucking tired to deal with this shit.

Fuck right the fuck off.

Thank you

and goodnight.

....

...

..

.

However,

I'd still love to hear from you.

post title

Nothing profound today
Just letting it ooze out

All this...nonsense.

I am in pain, again.

Another unfortunate accident

Not my fault

but still

I am held liable for some damages

Whatever.

But, my car

is...

well, I don't know what it is right now.

 

But let's get to some of the real things that are bothering me.

 

I am:

Angry

Frustrated

Sad

Depressed?

Unhappy

 

 

I don't mean to complain, it's just...

He's...here

And I feel

Left out?

 

There is nothing I can do right now

can't even provide reliable transportation.

I don't have a job

but I have to pay rent

I don't have a job

but I still have to buy food

for everybody.

I don't have a job

but I have to pay for gas

I don't have a job

but I have to spend money

on things

that we need

Even if no one else realizes that we need them.

 

I don't have a job

and I can't smoke

I don't have a job

and drinking is expensive

I don't have a job

and exercising is painful

because I was in an accident

during an already unfortunate time in my life.

 

seriously, 2 accidents within 5 months of each other.

My injuries aren't going to get better sooner now.

2 accidents

and I can't sleep right

2 accidents

and I don't have a car anymore

2 accidents

and all anyone can say is

"Why didn't you have better insurance?"

2 accidents

and all I hear is

"why don't you have health insurance?"

 

...I don't have a job.

I don't have money.

I don't have my complete range of motion.

 

You know what I have?

Piles and piles of stress.

Piles and piles of errands needing to be done

Piles and piles of shit I can't control

Piles of shit. I. Can't. Control.

Piles of tears just waiting for a weak moment.

 

I'm doing the best I can

It's just not good enough

for anything anymore.

What did I do that was so bad?

What have I done that was so wrong?

 

I'm not guiltless, no. 

But damnit I try to be a better man.

I try to be charitable if I have it

 

Is this because of how I've treated him?

I invited him to share christmas

i let him stay here when it's too cold outside

i try to give them time to spend with each other

what the fuck else can I do?

 

I'm mad

I'm just...

I thought this year would start off different

There was so much promise

but how

how is it supposed to be a better year

starting off like this?

"Dad, I've been in another accident, I don't have enough to repair my car"

silence.

"To my Attorney: hey, any word on my case, or the MRI that I was supposed to have gotten like 2 months ago? Oh, by the way...in a remarkable amount of pain, another accident..."

silence

"I'm sorry sir, you only have 1 treatment session left, please get in touch with your lawyer to see if you can continue treatment"

Seriously?

 

 

What is the nicest way I can tell someone

"Hey listen, I know that you said you are gonna do this or do that, but I don't want to hear about it

don't tell me what you're "gonna" do

just fucking do it

Don't even tell me you're doing it

Just fucking do it

and then let me see it

or tell me when you're all done

because believing that you're "gonna" do anything

is just lying to myself

and I'm tired of lying to myself."

 

I hate trustfall exercises.

 

"I know it's your intention to help

and I appreciate your intention

but words without action

make your intent invalid

and your words untrustworthy. 

Please understand

that I mean no harm

I just want

no confusion"