So I'm in this weird emotional headspace

or maybe lack thereof.

I have to hurry up and write this before I close the window

I've been living alone for almost 9 months now

and it's been hard

not just financially

just in general.

I mean, I've always paid the bills, so it isn't like a huge stretch

but it's different when you're working for a reason.

Now I'm just working to be working

I guess that's all I can do for now.

But, getting back to this point

In this headspace, I find it extremely difficult to talk to anyone

I mean, I don't do a great job of doing that in the first place

but it's worse here.

Like, let's say I started doing cocaine

y'know, not like, majorly, but it's clearly something different

and potentially dangerous without moderation

I have a few select friends that are cool with it

but they're on the next level.

I'm over here doing small bumps and diet lines

and they're basically on that professional tier.

I don't even know what grade or color or kind of region or any of that shit

but they can like, glance at it and know the value

Those kinds of friends.

I appreciate that they exist, but there's such a huge gap between us

that it's beyond intimidating to discuss it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, they definitely have the hook up

but I can't afford the shit they get into.

I'm not at that level.

I'm not sure I will be

I don't know if I want to be, nor how I would get there if I wanted to

It's...frustrating.

My other friends/family/associates all disapprove

but like, that's all they know is how to disapprove of it

they've never tried it

have no intention to

no interest in changing their perspective

and it's hard

because they're everywhere.

Every goddamn where.

I just don't have the energy to explain to every single one of them

that anything done in moderation isn't a bad thing.

But they'll insist on doing things that are bad for them repeatedly

to the point of their own failing

but...that's just what everyone else does.

that's what everyone else is told they are supposed to do

and they do it

they don't question it

they don't want to know

If it's different, it's wrong

And I'm real fuckin different.