So I'm in this weird emotional headspace

or maybe lack thereof.

I have to hurry up and write this before I close the window

I've been living alone for almost 9 months now

and it's been hard

not just financially

just in general.

I mean, I've always paid the bills, so it isn't like a huge stretch

but it's different when you're working for a reason.

Now I'm just working to be working

I guess that's all I can do for now.

But, getting back to this point

In this headspace, I find it extremely difficult to talk to anyone

I mean, I don't do a great job of doing that in the first place

but it's worse here.

Like, let's say I started doing cocaine

y'know, not like, majorly, but it's clearly something different

and potentially dangerous without moderation

I have a few select friends that are cool with it

but they're on the next level.

I'm over here doing small bumps and diet lines

and they're basically on that professional tier.

I don't even know what grade or color or kind of region or any of that shit

but they can like, glance at it and know the value

Those kinds of friends.

I appreciate that they exist, but there's such a huge gap between us

that it's beyond intimidating to discuss it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, they definitely have the hook up

but I can't afford the shit they get into.

I'm not at that level.

I'm not sure I will be

I don't know if I want to be, nor how I would get there if I wanted to

It's...frustrating.

My other friends/family/associates all disapprove

but like, that's all they know is how to disapprove of it

they've never tried it

have no intention to

no interest in changing their perspective

and it's hard

because they're everywhere.

Every goddamn where.

I just don't have the energy to explain to every single one of them

that anything done in moderation isn't a bad thing.

But they'll insist on doing things that are bad for them repeatedly

to the point of their own failing

but...that's just what everyone else does.

that's what everyone else is told they are supposed to do

and they do it

they don't question it

they don't want to know

If it's different, it's wrong

And I'm real fuckin different.

Bad Day

I had a bad day today

I could really use a hug.

Today I can pretty confidently say

I had a full blown meltdown

caused by sensory overload

oversaturation

over...everything.

It was rude

it was intense

it was painful

it was merciless

it kept going

and it got worse

I thought I was okay

I thought wrong.

I'm having trouble typing full sentences

I keep picking at and flicking my middle finger

 

It's like

an

i dunno

like

when you get a piece of fabric

caught on a split nail

you can't just yank it off

because that would hurt

but if it gets caught on anything

it hurts even more

so I just keep picking at it

trying to make it go away.

 

...it's been over 12 hours

it hasn't gone away.

I've forgotten about it once or twice when I passed out

but

the second I remember anything sensory (sound, smell, colors, shapes, textures) about the work day

which is pretty much impossible to forget about

It starts all over again

and I picking at my nail again

and again

and again

and again

even as I type

it

won't

stop.

 

 

Let me

Try

to recount today's events:

 

Woke up

made lunch

fed cat

got dressed

I didn't shower this morning

(that was probably a mistake)

Not that I smell bad, I showered last night

I just didn't think I had enough time

...yes I take multiple showers

construction life is smelly.

also, my skin is super sensitive

and I hate smelling bad

so yes, I shower.

 ...or bathe.

 

Shortly after starting the work day

the guys who do all the framing work

and the metal studs and stuff

started doing their thing

which is loud, but acceptable

There's something almost fascinating

about the use of a nail gun.

Unfortunately it is loud as fuck

and they use it a lot

but, it's a sound that I'm semi-accustomed to.

Like

it's within tolerable limits with noise cancelling headphones

so that was fine.

 

Then there was the pipefitter (plumber) guy drilling holes in the concrete

Also loud

but generally acceptable.

They use a lot of water when cutting through the concrete

as long as the water pumper person is doing their job

it's usually okay

Again, tolerable within noise cancelling headphone limit (NCHL)

 

Most days I just accept the fact that I'll be deaf long before 50 and just suck it up.

Today I did not get that option.

 

There's another machine there

I don't know who uses it

I don't entirely know what it's for

But it grinds.

It grinds

slowly

and painfully loud

 

Kinda like getting a tattoo

I mean yes, eventually the endorphins kick in and you just kinda ride it out

but in the beginning it's like being pinched a lot, repeatedly.

 

So yea, the grinding

it just

 

kept

 

going.

 

...like...nonstop.

 

I mean sure, not the first time I've ever heard it or had to deal with it

but

today it was so close.

I don't even know where it was

but it was so close I felt the vibrations

 

And then it happened.

At some weird juncture in the morning

all of these loud, grinding grating, tearing, ripping, percussive, and generally invasive

things, all happened at the same time

the exact same time

in some weird fucking frequency

that I couldn't drown out

 

And I fuckin lost it.

Full blown sensory meltdown.

 

It was like...my nerves were on fire, and tingling and twisting and electrocuted

and pinched, and pulled, and stretched and compressed and hot and cold all at the same fucking time

 

I couldn't think

I couldn't move

I couldn't talk

I wanted to cry

I wanted to run

I wanted to be anywhere that was not there

at that time

and I tried

man did I try

but, no matter what I did

the grinding vibration found the same nerve/frequency/whatever

 again, and again, and again, and again.

It was so fucking bad 

I tried running to a different floor

nearly 11 stories up

and still I felt it

every little jagged, razoredged vibration cut into me

by first break I was all but shaking and barely able to keep my eyes open

It wasn't even a headache..it just fucking hurt

all of my right side

behind the ear down to the toes

People said things to me

I couldn't hear them

I couldn't respond

I think I nodded? or shook? I don't know.

I walked about a good 50 yards or so

from the site

and sat on a bench

...I could still feel the vibrations

but at least I could breathe outside.

I was a mess though

sitting on a bench, huddled up

rocking back and forth continually.

I didn't realize how badly I was stimming

until I saw one of my coworkers walk past me to his car 

I had been tapping my tea glass sequentially and rhythmically

He didn't say anything.

I know he saw me

but he didn't say anything.

 

I came up with a plan before going back in

I needed pressure

I don't have a weighted blanket

or a straight jacket

...although that would be nice..

(what? you can hug yourself...)

but I needed pressure, compression and texture

So

I grabbed some string and some cable ties

and tried to bind my arm.

It wasn't the neatest looking job

but it helped

I ended up restricting some blood flow to the rest of my arm

I'm sure

but it was a start

 

didn't work the way I had planned, but better than nothing

ended up donning on my hoodie

and binding that too

even though it was like 80 fuckin degrees

 

Everything was so loud.

So very loud

and I couldn't see

I didn't want to see

my brain didn't want to see

that was too much information

Way too much information

but I couldn't go home

I wanted to go home so badly

but I had school monday, so I missed a day of work

I still need the hours.

 

By lunch time

I had regressed in my executive motor functions

I was having trouble holding a water bottle

much less my entire lunch

I ended up using the fork more like a shovel than a fork

 

still sitting

still rocking

still shivering

but

instead of glass tapping this time

I was outright just flapping my hand

...it was not a happy gesture

 

It was embarassing

I was embarrased

I couldn't make the nerve pain go away

shaking and tapping and scratching

were all just temporary means of dealing with the problem

 

My coworkers asked me if I was okay

I don't know what I said

I just kept flapping my hand in my hoodie

and tried to keep moving.

 

Some time after lunch, the drilling and the grinding finally stopped.

I don't know how long it took

 

At some point i had the bright idea to take a zoloft

because i thought about the main character in "The Accountant" (2016)

and it did help

I was just really late about it

I'll make a note to try that first next time

before the pain is blinding.

 

My arm hurts now.

All that hand flapping and flailing probably fucked my wrist up

I made it to the end of the day

It wasn't a pretty day

and I wasn't terribly productive

but I made it.

Oh, I nearly forgot the part where I was so desperate to stop dealing with 

all the nonstop sensations that I scribbled the first 50 digits of pi on any and every

nearby piece of box I could get to

(it's 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751 by the way.)

So, yeah.

They saw that

I think everyone at the job saw that

...I didn't want them to see that.

They weren't supposed to see that

No one is supposed to see that.

...I don't know what it is.

My best guess is Sensory Processing Disorder, but I'm much more inclined to 

categorize these as autistic tendencies.

To me, it just fits better.

But y'know

no one I know gets that.

As a black male

it's...not a thing you're supposed to do.

You can't...be...off.

You can't be...different

You can't...be

unless you're what you're supposed to be.

I'm real fuckin peculiar though

can't change that shit

and I can't make this shit up

that was some real painful shit

and I don't want to repeat it

 

...but it'll happen again

I don't know where

I don't know when

and I won't know why until about 5 hours after it happens

but it will happen.

 

Y'know the thing that really sucks though?

 

 

...I really need a hug.

But, that's just too fuckin sensitive.

Nepotism

I am not ruthless enough to play chess.

I am not aggressive enough to master a martial art.

I'm just not.

I'm not forward.

I don't push.

I don't shove my way through

I don't scheme and plot

I don't manipulate

 

I just don't act in my own self interest most of the time

except for things like this writing

to explain that I don't act in my self interest.

 

Why?

I don't have a good answer for that.

 

I don't hate myself

Sometimes I think I should be more selfish

and on rare occasions, I am.

 

But, I highly doubt that anyone that knows me

would actually be concerned about it.

 

The truth is

I am this way for a reason.

 

I don't deserve a lot of things

I have my own reasons for believing this

but I assure you, nonetheless, they are true

solid reasons.

 

I am not a bad man

but I can never be a good one.

 

All I can be is a man that does the best that he can

with the time that he has.

 

Sounds better than it actually is.

I'll be glad if I can actually finish writing today

I have so many...drafts saved

streams of thoughts that I've written down

that under normal circumstances would be balled up

and thrown in the trash.

Thankfully (I suppose), I don't pay much attention to this specific account

so these writings, they stay.

In all likeliness they will never be published

they are unfinished thoughts

Memories of frustration

confusion

desolation

being lost in a world 

where I only stand the language

in bits and pieces.

Pictures usually help

but people don't take pictures

they try to paint them with words.

That just doesn't work.

You're not able to provide the detail I need

with your words.

I am sorry, but it's true.

I realize as I type that out just how true that is.

A picture of a apple on a table

is not just about the fruit.

To me, it's:

What color is the apple?

What shape is the apple?

How ripe is the apple?

Is there a stem? How long is it?

When was this taken?

What kind of resolution is this picture?

What's the color of the background?

Is that a natural background, artificial?

Was this taken at day or night?

Is that sunlight? Artificial?

What about the table? What style is that?

Where was this photo taken?

Why was this photo taken from this angle?

What am I supposed to be seeing?

The shadow it casts, must be (time of day)?

And so on

and so on

and so forth.

That's the level of detail I need

from a simple picture

of an apple on a table.

That is my life.

I digress

I forgot what I was talking about.

Oh.

I don't push forward

for good reason

I can't control it.

It's not meant to for me to control

What I can control is this, here and now

my restraint, my lack

to keep my foot on the brake pedal

and ease off slowly

Because the wheels will move, the engine will go

I will seemingly and without effort

possibly destroy that which is set in front of me

for lack of stopping

because that's how I work.

--------------

Being quiet is hard

when I feel many different emotions

I can't name them

I'm not good at that

but they're there.

And they are...intense.

They push at my skin like sweat trying to force its way out

similar to when one tries to fight back tears

and I can only do this for so long

my fear eats a the lining of my stomach

almost literally at times

forcing my digestive system out of sync

giving me bouts of excessive gas

"It's all in your mind"

That is true

the mind is a powerful thing

But in reality

all I'm doing is confining it to a small area

internally.

Which is hella dangerous, I'm sure.

But the alternative

the alternative

is to take my foot off the pedal

to let it go

to let the fear run wild

And that, put quite bluntly, is not a good idea.

I am not in charge of what happens at that point

my reactions are not your reactions

my reasoning is not your reasoning

or his, or hers, or theirs.

my thoughts are not your thoughts

my actions...are.

they just...are.

and they stay that way

until.

Until I crash,

disasterously.

Or

someone that is not me

can help me,

can keep me stationary long enough

to help me push the brake pedal back down

-they- have to pull the emergency break up

because it's all i can do

It's an accident waiting to happen

I know this

I've known this for many years

It's why I'm quiet.

It's why I'm not forward

it's why I'm not aggressive

But this often leads to complication

Surely, surely I can let of the brakes...just a little right?

Surely this frustration, this sadness, this ecstacy

I can give into it, just a touch right?

I can coast, right?

It's not all bad right?

This has never proven true.

For you see

I don't know how much horsepower

this engine really has.

 

And if -I- don't understand it

what the fuck makes you think anyone else does?

 

Most people can't even describe a picture right

how the fuck are they supposed to tell me how to handle this?

 

Are you shitting me?

 

I think I'm done writing for now

I could go on

with my ranting frustration

but at the moment, that would solve nothing

 

my stomach still hurts.

thoughts.

I count ceiling tiles.

I count them once

Then I count them again

I count how many are from the right corner

I count how many are from the left

I use perimeter and area formulas

using each tile as an individual scale

Then I count them individually

I count ceiling tiles

until it's time to leave.

That's what I do.

I count change.

I have a small bucket that I keep pocket change in

Over the years I've almost filled it to the top

but sometimes

when I feel lost in life

when things get bad for me

and I can't talk

and I can't say what I'm feeling

because everything goes through my head like pictures

or videos

but mostly pictures

still frames

little details

panoramic

but pictures

when I get that bad

I grab the bucket and dump all the change on the floor.

First I separate.

Quarters first, because they're the biggest

next pennies because they're very recognizable

Dimes and nickels, well they can be a pain

that part gets a little meticulous

but I do it.

Then I go through each pile

and make sure no other coins are in there

No dimes in the quarter pile

no nickels in the dime pile

etc.

They have to be in their respective corners

because I need to space them out

I break the quarters into groups of 4

cause y'know, 4 quarters is a dollar

I break them into many piles of 4

then I line them all up

(x) amount of rows consisting of 4 quarters each

It usually makes a really big rectangle

Each row is a dollar right?

...I still go back and count each quarter individually.

I have to.

But I can't write it down

I -have- to remember.

If I lose count I have to start over again.

 

And I do lose count sometimes

Even though I've already separated all the coins

even though I've already set the values

Technically I know how much money it is

But I don't -know-.

I don't know until it's all counted, and verified again.

And I repeat that number

I repeat the total number of coins

and the total value of the quarters.

I repeat so I can remember it.

...because now it's time for the dimes.

Except, this time i do rows of 5

(because 50 cents is a lot easier to count than 40)

Same process

again I set, again I count, and again I count individually

I have to.

If I lose count I have to start again

(but only from the dimes, because I'm absolutely sure of the quarters...right?)

(right? or should I count the quarters again...)

Quarters, Dimes, Nickels, and at long last pennies.

I count them

I count them again

I can tell you exactly how many of each I have

sometimes I can tell you how many of each year I have

Depends on how badly I need to count my coins.

Y'know the best part?

I don't count them to know how much money I have

I mean, it's cool to know that I have $56.72 in my bucket

But I don't really care about that

(I was really tempted to give the breakdown of exactly how it adds up to $56.72

but I decided against it)

I count the coins because I have to

because after I've counted them

I feel calmer

I can touch the money

it's a real thing, tangible, cold, hard

It's static, stationary, unchanging

I count coins.

I don't always know why I count coins

But I have to

because I need to.

I count a lot of things

ceiling tiles, street lamps, the dots on a shirt

I have to

It helps with anxiety.

Most people don't know I have that kind of anxiety.

I've had a lot of time to deal with it.

I've been to a lot of different schools

Lived in a lot of different houses and neighborhoods

I've held a few jobs

So people don't really know

(I don't think they really care either, why would they?

Note, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's a legitimate question

I don't understand why you should be concerned about my incessant need to count things)

Why did I describe that in detail?

Because that level of detail is normal for me.

I am that meticulous

I am that neurotic

I do have that kind of anxiety.

I'm also exceptionally good at keeping a blank face

(while I'm counting how many letters are on that shirt that you're wearing)

Usually because I don't really get what you're saying

Or if I do, not really sure what face I'm supposed to make in response to that

So it stays blank.

So? I'm weird. What of it?

I've been doing most of this since childhood.

I used to count the coins in my father's astray when he would come pick me up

(He didn't smoke)

I find it odd that he just let me do that.

Sometimes I wonder if he would add or subtract coins intentionally just to see if i was paying attention

(or y'know, he needed coins for tax at the drive-thru)

(same difference)

Looking back on my childhood, there are a lot of things I did that I perhaps couldn't explain back then

and can only halfway explain now

I didn't like looking at people back then

I still don't like to do it now

I mean, I'll look at you as long as you're not looking at me.

But I generally avoid looking anyone in the eye

if I have to, it's not for longer than like .2 seconds.

That's dangerous.

I don't know why, it just is.

I could go on

but I won't

...today.

 

I'll end this here by saying

I think I'm a little autistic

Maybe.

I don't want to upset anyone that has been actually diagnosed

but I would really, really love to know if I am

It would really explain a lot of things for me.

Seriously.

Honesty.

I'm afraid today's post is going to be incredibly personal.

I don't really want it to be

But I don't know what else to do.

I am at a point that I'm no longer able to see things objectively

This makes life difficult

because now I can't make decisions.

When I'm only able to see the situation through my own eyes

I am subject to tunnel vision.

This tunnel vision then becomes the scope of everything in my life.

Even tasks that should be extremely or relatively easy

become complicated.

Unnecessarily so.

This is due in large part to the crossroad that I have found myself approaching.

You see

I don't really know how to just...sit.

Or rather, I do know how to sit, I can sit still very well

I don't know how to...how you say...not do anything.

Actually no, that's inaccurate as well

I'm extremely good at not doing anything

I am sufficient at the art of doing nothing.

I do not excel at it.

Although, at times I can be considered extremely lazy

Now is one of those times I suppose

I haven't really done anything constructive lately

And that bothers me.

It always has, and always will.

I can't relax not doing anything constructive. That's just not me.

I can't just take myself to the movies or to a spa, or some kind of "relaxing getaway"

That's just not me.

Not right now.

Don't misunderstand, there's a time and a place for everything.

I do sometimes go to the movies

Sometimes I go to the sauna and just hang out

But you see, I have to earn those privileges

But not by any set of measurable standards.

That's just how I am

I sometimes wonder if that's due to the way I was raised, or perhaps something else

Point being

I don't..."treat" myself often.

Why? Because I'm overindulgent.

I know this, it is a serious character flaw of mine.

When I first went to college, I got a refund check

Which in my head equated to free money for me to do whatever the fuck I wanted.

I wasted it.

I mean that, I seriously wasted it.

Not even on like good clothes or shoes or anything worth showing off

I quite figuratively just blew it.

Some years down the line, I realized that it was not in fact free money at all.

And I'll spend a considerable portion of my adulthood paying that money back.

It was a lesson I needed to learn

I just wish I could've learned it sooner, and with less severe consequences.

The things I took away from that experience

involved some serious introspection.

There aren't many, but in my life exist moments that I consider myself to be

for lack of better phrasing

Dumb as Fuck.

I know this is a thing that everyone deals with.

I've seen enough blogs and comics to relate

like waking up in the middle of the night and realizing that stupid thing you did 10 years ago.

Your brain never lets you really forget, it just stores it away for a later date.

I guess I brought that up because it relates to my current situation.

At the moment I'm both waiting and really not waiting on the next step in my life.

Like, I know its there, and I know it just involves me taking the next step

Yet, I feel like taking that step isn't vital just yet.

I mean, it is vital, and it's totally going to happen

But technically I have like 2 weeks before that happens.

It's these 2 weeks that are bothering me.

Am I making a mistake again?

Is this hesitancy because I am being foolish

or is this time that I'm really supposed to be trying to...relax?

I really don't know.

Recently I spoke with someone about taking personal time

when you feel burned out.

That's a real thing.

I didn't use to think so, I thought it was a serious load of shit.

But

I can actually say I've experienced this for myself.

I've been working in the service industry for at least a decade.

The thing is, I never liked it in the first place

I just continued to do it because it was it seemed like the next logical thing to do.

The same way that going to college is the "natural progression" after high school.

...I didn't do well in college.

Why? I had no motivation.

I didn't understand why I was going

 No one could really give me sufficient reason

other than

"You go to college, get a degree and get a good job"

...what did that actually mean?

I still kind of don't know.

But I wasted a lot of time not really thinking about it either.

I know a lot of people go through that

some of them wind up with a degree or two and no idea where to go next

It's kind of a generational problem.

Eventually I just stopped going

I don't know if it was really a conscious decision or not

but I just flat out stopped going.

My body wouldn't move

My mind wouldn't focus

My heart wasn't in it

My spirit was just dragging

so I went to work

little by little the feeling started coming back

I could move, because I had something to do

I could focus, because I was receiving something for my time

I got into it because I had to. Bills need to be paid

My spirit got involved with spirits (see what I did there?)

(Bartending became a passion of mine)

And yet

I was unfulfilled.

I've been living all these years, but I don't often feel alive.

I know I exist, but I still don't know why.

But I digress.

It's been some time since then.

I finally came to some realizations and the kinds of things I need to do to feel better.

I've found something that I can be proud of, and that I really believe will give me some

...peace of mind.

However, I am hesitant.

I am cautious

I am afraid

I am worried

I am concerned

I feel...not unprepared, not overwhelmed, but perhaps...ill at ease.

A lot of things in my life recently have caused me to question myself once again

What am I doing?

Am I...blowing it again?

I ask this because...

before, I needed...restraint.

This time

I need...space.

I have confined myself within myself over the years

I choose not express myself every single day.

And it's all gotten too confusing.

I no longer know which feelings are fabricated

which ones are real

which ones are there because of logic

or which ones are there because I know all of these things.

I feel a pressure

I feel things weighing me down

and weighing down on me.

And I wish

I really do

that I was making that up.

...but it's a fact.

There are things that are weighing down on me

Things that I can do nothing about

Not without a dramatic shift.

And I don't want that.

I don't want to change things so much.

But things do change, it is the nature of life.

Those changes I don't mind.

The universe doesn't force things, things happen because it's the universe.

I can understand that.

But the changes that come from me as the catalyst

Those are the ones I don't like.

Because I can't explain to anyone

what that actually means.

There's a quotation on my fridge

I didn't put it there.

Only the first sentence stays in my head

"You are not Atlas."

...Yes, yes I am.

Right now, in these moments

I am.

I don't expect to be taken seriously

But in my head, that's what it is.

Sometimes, sometimes I need that though.

Sometimes I need to know the world is hanging on my shoulder

because that motivates me.

But sometimes

sometimes

it's

just

heavy.

it's past my bedtime.

I, for one

am angry.

To be completely fair,

I'm often angry.

There's a lot of energy in anger

and I usually need to get a lot of shit done.

It never seems that way to other people

but I'm not really known for being concerned about other people.

Except when I am.

And therein lies my problem.

I don't care, until I do

But when I do

I really care.

So much that it's annoying

And so much more annoying when it's not beneficial.

I met someone

online

but

I met someone.

I then met that one

in person

but

I just met them.

That meeting turned into another one

and another one after that.

 3.

That's all I got.

3.

However, I was promised many.

So I am angry.

Now, to be completely verbatim,

the words "promise" or "swear to"

were never used

But

Other things were said.

Other commitments were made

Other ideas were flourished out

to become reality.

And yet

3

is all I got.

I am upset.

The thing is

I still don't know why.

It's not been explained to me in a way that I can comprehend

My questions remained unanswered

My mind remains in turmoil.

(Turmoil may be a bit excessive, but I'm writing here)

So I am angry.

But mostly

I am hurt.

Something about it rubs me the wrong way consistently.

And it hurts.

Like walking around all day with a pebble in my shoe.

But I just can't find it.

So it's uncomfortable

annoying

borderline painful

and all i can think about.

It's all I can focus on

But nothing I know how to fix.

All I'm left with is a lot of "why"

So many "why"s

Very few "because"s.

"Let it go"

I hear that a lot.

And, I would

if there were a way to do that without being

...ice cold.

I don't like being ice cold.

I am completely capable of it

I just don't like it.

And yet

I'm starting to feel my hand being forced.

I do not like this.

This does not please me.

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I am saddened.

So much promise

So very much.

Such a world of joy

Such a world of delight

To see this

To touch this

To be in this

And then

To be isolated from it.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am saddened

I am bitter.

My thoughts linger

like bad smells

with no open windows.

They stir

They cause unrest

They make me

feel

like shit.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am saddened

I am bitter

I am not taking this well.

 Stress piles up

Work days get longer

People annoy me

Life gets harder

My body is tired

My mind is exhausted

My spirit

well shit

I don't even know where that is.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am saddened

I am bitter

I am not taking this well

And I'm way too fucking tired to deal with this shit.

Fuck right the fuck off.

Thank you

and goodnight.

....

...

..

.

However,

I'd still love to hear from you.

post title

Nothing profound today
Just letting it ooze out

All this...nonsense.

I am in pain, again.

Another unfortunate accident

Not my fault

but still

I am held liable for some damages

Whatever.

But, my car

is...

well, I don't know what it is right now.

 

But let's get to some of the real things that are bothering me.

 

I am:

Angry

Frustrated

Sad

Depressed?

Unhappy

 

 

I don't mean to complain, it's just...

He's...here

And I feel

Left out?

 

There is nothing I can do right now

can't even provide reliable transportation.

I don't have a job

but I have to pay rent

I don't have a job

but I still have to buy food

for everybody.

I don't have a job

but I have to pay for gas

I don't have a job

but I have to spend money

on things

that we need

Even if no one else realizes that we need them.

 

I don't have a job

and I can't smoke

I don't have a job

and drinking is expensive

I don't have a job

and exercising is painful

because I was in an accident

during an already unfortunate time in my life.

 

seriously, 2 accidents within 5 months of each other.

My injuries aren't going to get better sooner now.

2 accidents

and I can't sleep right

2 accidents

and I don't have a car anymore

2 accidents

and all anyone can say is

"Why didn't you have better insurance?"

2 accidents

and all I hear is

"why don't you have health insurance?"

 

...I don't have a job.

I don't have money.

I don't have my complete range of motion.

 

You know what I have?

Piles and piles of stress.

Piles and piles of errands needing to be done

Piles and piles of shit I can't control

Piles of shit. I. Can't. Control.

Piles of tears just waiting for a weak moment.

 

I'm doing the best I can

It's just not good enough

for anything anymore.

What did I do that was so bad?

What have I done that was so wrong?

 

I'm not guiltless, no. 

But damnit I try to be a better man.

I try to be charitable if I have it

 

Is this because of how I've treated him?

I invited him to share christmas

i let him stay here when it's too cold outside

i try to give them time to spend with each other

what the fuck else can I do?

 

I'm mad

I'm just...

I thought this year would start off different

There was so much promise

but how

how is it supposed to be a better year

starting off like this?

"Dad, I've been in another accident, I don't have enough to repair my car"

silence.

"To my Attorney: hey, any word on my case, or the MRI that I was supposed to have gotten like 2 months ago? Oh, by the way...in a remarkable amount of pain, another accident..."

silence

"I'm sorry sir, you only have 1 treatment session left, please get in touch with your lawyer to see if you can continue treatment"

Seriously?

 

 

What is the nicest way I can tell someone

"Hey listen, I know that you said you are gonna do this or do that, but I don't want to hear about it

don't tell me what you're "gonna" do

just fucking do it

Don't even tell me you're doing it

Just fucking do it

and then let me see it

or tell me when you're all done

because believing that you're "gonna" do anything

is just lying to myself

and I'm tired of lying to myself."

 

I hate trustfall exercises.

 

"I know it's your intention to help

and I appreciate your intention

but words without action

make your intent invalid

and your words untrustworthy. 

Please understand

that I mean no harm

I just want

no confusion"