Choose

I was on OKCupid
browsing profiles, answering random questions
and I came across a question that actually stopped me.
Not because it was insensitive, or gross or stupid or anything like that
But because it was the most thought provoking question I'd been asked in a really long time.

"If you had to choose one for the rest of your life, which would you pick?"
1- "Monogamy?"
2- "An open relationship?"
3- "Polyamory?"
4- "Playing the field?"

----

It really stunned me. For multiple reasons
One, I didn't think I'd ever come across that question
Two, how am I gonna answer that?

My initial response was Monogamy
Which shouldn't be a surprise in any way whatsoever.
That's how we're raised. I've covered this in a previous post
And to be fair, part of me still wants a monogamous relationship.
So of course I began questioning myself
and the nature of my polyamorous relationship
Am I doing the right thing?
What am I doing?
How am I supposed to feel?
I mean, I'm already in a polyamorous relationship
Shouldn't I be used to it by now?
Why was monogamy my first answer?
Have I been doing something wrong?
I don't know how to answer this question
What do I do?


But then I read the question again
The important part of it really caught my eye

"...for the rest of your life..."

And
with that, a whole world of answers popped in my head.
The rest of my life is either a very short, or very long time
Either way, it's still a life.
And at some point in that life
I will fall in love with someone else
And I want to know that whether it's tomorrow, next week, or a decade from now
That I can have my marriage not go to hell over a basic animal instinct.
I love my wife, with all the love I can possibly give her, and then some.
She's not going anywhere, neither am I.
We're in this shit for the long haul.
I don't want to lose that.
I may not know how to make all the right decisions
I may not know how to do everything I want
But I'm not stupid enough to let this woman walk out of my life.
So yes, I would rather be an adult about my relationships
I would rather acknowledge that yes, we will both be attracted to other people
for other reasons
and no, that doesn't mean we don't love each other
I would rather acknowledge that yes, I will love my wife more
for understanding that we are human and we need love
sometimes we are oh so lonely and we need more than just one person to share that with
I would rather know that I can have more than one person in my life to show me how special I am, to make love to, to share life experiences with, to...live.
I'd rather be honest and open about how I feel
and know that it'll be okay
than to sneak around behind her back and destroy her trust in me.

Relationships happen. they happen every goddamn day.
You don't know who you'll be attracted to, or even why sometimes.
But that's a part of life
Denying that is denying well...life.
Not to be misunderstood, it's perfectly fine to have monogamous relationships
I just want people to acknowledge that there's also nothing wrong
with finding beauty in other places.
Not everyone is gonna act on those impulses
And that's fine.
But don't deny that you're human, that you're an animal
That you lust, that you desire, that you want, that you love
that you find new connections in unexpected places
Don't deny yourself this.

I accept that one day I'll find others that tickle my fancy
I look forward to finding others that I can share my life with.

But mostly I am at peace knowing that its okay to be polyamorous.

searching

I don't have a plan.
I've never had a plan.

Not because plans don't work
but because my plans don't work.

I am often told that I don't succeed at what i do
Because I don't put 100% of myself out there to do it.
This is probably true.
I rarely put 100% of myself into anything
I'm not even sure what that means.

I guess it's being completely committed to your cause or whatever
And that's fine. I can completely understand that.
There are some things out there that I just know that I want
And I'm going to get those things.
For example, I'm going to start doing some homebrewing soon
Mostly because it's a passive hobby.
You do your main work on like one day
And then you let it sit for some time
Ferment
Check on it once a day or so
But mostly you just let it be.
And with a schedule like mine,
being able to have a fresh batch of homemade booze
at the end of the week would just be awesome.
My point is, there is no discussion in that.
I want to learn more about homebrewing so I will.
I've been drinking since I was a wee little lad
And I will continue to drink until I'm a bitter old man
(I mean an actual 70 year old bitter man, not the crotchety s.o.b. you currently know so well)
It seems like a very natural transition to me
I've had so many, now I want to know how it's done
So I can create my own masterpiece.

To be fair though, I'm not really that good at creating
I just love to experiment
At least, with booze anyway

Again, the point is
This is something I consider to be fact.
It's non-negotiable
It will happen.

Other things in my life however are not that concrete to me
For some reason people fail to understand this.
If I knew what it was I was supposed to be doing
I wouldn't be asking you about it
If I had a concrete anything, you'd better believe I'd figure out how to make it work.
But I don't.

I don't have a plan.
I don't know what's next.
I don't even have a hint, a clue, nothing really.

I live believing there are infinite possibilities
As long as those possibilities exist
There's never a definitive answer
And if there's no definitive answer
Then to me, it's not the right choice.

Again, what i said before, the homebrewing hobby
There are no other possibilities to me.
I may be stalled for some time for whatever reason
But at some point in time, I will complete this task.
It is something that I aim to do.

If that makes sense, great
If it doesn't...well, I'll never get it to make sense.
The closest thing I can say is this:
Life comes at me
Yes, I sit back and I wait for things to happen
Because that is how life happens to me

I live by this quotation:
"My Job:
It's not my place to run the train, the whistle I can't blow.
It's not my place to say how far the train's allowed to go.
It's not my place to shoot off steam, nor even clang the bell.
But let the damn thing jump the track...and see who catches hell"

The only thing I'm absolutely certain of in this life is that shit goes awry.
If I take risk, it was predetermined
If I am fortunate, it was foreseeable
If I want to truly understand something, I have to wait and see.