Desire.

I've been sitting here staring at my screen for an hour
Staring at my walls for some time
Staring at my bed
Waiting.

Waiting for what?
I don't know.
Waiting for an answer
Waiting for feelings to pass
Waiting to move on

Because sometimes that's all we can do is wait.

Patience is one of the highest virtues someone can have
For themselves as well as other people.
There's not really much you can't do if you can find your inner patience
...if you have any.
Sometimes it's the hardest thing to come...shit I forgot what I was typing
people keep IMing me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep writing a certain train of thought
if it keeps getting interrupted?
Especially if it's about something that's not important

Well, that is to say
Whatever you're doing might not be that important either
Or maybe it's the most crucial thing in the world
...if you're a writer.
But if you're just an ordinary joe like the rest of us
It probably wasn't that important
So you can afford to be patient, right?
You can afford to answer their questions or guide them or whatever the fuck it is they want.
You're a good person
Or so you tell yourself
Because you have...patience.
Woo, the million dollar word.

Lets examine that word
Patience.
What does it mean?
Is it the ability to know when to keep your mouth shut?
The ability to know when to say what needs to be said?
is it the ability to put up with things you don't particularly care for
again and again and again
Or is it something simpler?
Is it a repression of feelings and thoughts?
Is it a denial of your true self?
Is it apathy?
Is it indifference?
Is it practiced nonchalance?
What -is- patience?

And how do you know if you're doing it?
Or doing it right?
There's no one to say
...there's never anyone to say...
No one knows anything in this lifetime or the next
We all get one
...I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse.

Why is patience the highest of virtues?
Why is it that the more shit you're able to stand
The more enlightened people think you are.
Is it really because you've reached some plane of understand about life and its workings?
Or is it because you're just clueless?
"Wow" they say
"I wouldn't have the patience to deal with so-and-so"
And apparently you do
But all along
You can't help but think
"...what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
"wait it out? Maybe they'll get better?"
"Time changes people...right?"

...is it really enlightenment?
Or do you really just not know what to do?

Patience is waiting
Waiting on faith
Walking on eggshells
Believing
Holding on
Reaching
Grabbing
...but never with anything solid
Nothing is ever certain
But you wait
And you see.
You are patient
You are foolish
You are alive
You are confused.

Patience is key.
Key to a door
...what door?

New God, Old Problems.

This is taken directly from an Instant Messaging conversation
I thought it was too good to pass over
(or to type again)

[10:55:04] anthonyretro: Why did we just have an argument about Garfield?
[10:55:12] dracon332: because you're argumentative
[10:55:24] dracon332: and you can't appreciate anything that doesn't have subtext.
[10:55:44] anthonyretro: And I was trying to cut down on my arguing
[10:55:50] dracon332: Psh.
[10:55:56] dracon332: Liar
[10:56:05] dracon332: Arguing about this stuff is your favorite past time.
[10:56:14] dracon332: Well
[10:56:18] dracon332: that and masturbation
[10:56:25] dracon332: but that's usually out of boredom
[10:56:56] anthonyretro: That seems really sad
[10:57:02] dracon332: It's not
[10:57:06] dracon332: all guys think that way.
[10:57:17] dracon332: why else would we spend so much time looking at porn
[10:57:19] dracon332: we're fucking bored.
[10:57:25] dracon332: porn is entertaining
[10:57:54] anthonyretro: Porn just seems like something special that should be truly appreciated
[10:57:57] dracon332: ...
[10:57:59] anthonyretro: Not wasted on boredom
[10:58:05] dracon332: Now you're just being ridiculous
[10:58:25] dracon332: Not only do you put pussy on a pedestal, but now you're making masturbation out to be some kind of sacred ceremony?
[10:58:35] anthonyretro: You know those Burger King commercials where some guy sees two guys eating burgers
[10:58:48] anthonyretro: And the guy asks, "What did you do for that burger?"
[10:58:59] anthonyretro: And one guy says something like, "I found a star."
[10:59:09] anthonyretro: And the other guy is like, "I helped."
[10:59:21] dracon332: Yes I know those commercials.
[10:59:27] dracon332: it's for the new angus burger
[10:59:31] anthonyretro: Yeah
[10:59:43] anthonyretro: You see where I'm going with this
[10:59:44] dracon332: porn is not special.
[10:59:48] dracon332: porn is porn
[10:59:57] dracon332: there wouldn't be so damn much of it if it were so special
[11:00:12] anthonyretro: I figured it was for dedicated fans
[11:00:21] dracon332: dedicated fans have forums
[11:00:28] dracon332: porn has the internet
[11:00:33] dracon332: the whole damn thing.
[11:00:50] dracon332: Y'know
[11:00:53] dracon332: as time progresses
[11:01:02] dracon332: people use the internet like it's some sort of deity
[11:01:10] dracon332: because it's vast and you can't understand it
[11:01:13] dracon332: it's mystical
[11:01:45] dracon332: is it possible that peopel worship the internet...?
[11:01:47] dracon332: *people
[11:01:54] dracon332: is this a cult following?
[11:02:01] anthonyretro: Not sure
[11:02:09] dracon332: I mean
[11:02:11] anthonyretro: I know it's the first thing I run to in the morning
[11:02:14] dracon332: right
[11:02:21] dracon332: and you might not think of it that way immediately
[11:02:32] dracon332: but you know it
[11:02:47] dracon332: you can't fathom the depths of the internet
[11:02:53] dracon332: but you know you can't live without it
[11:02:57] dracon332: not in this day and age
[11:03:19] dracon332: If you have questions, where do you go?
[11:03:22] dracon332: the internet
[11:03:29] anthonyretro: What ends all arguments
[11:03:32] dracon332: internet
[11:03:41] anthonyretro: What's destroying traditional media?
[11:03:45] dracon332: the internet
[11:04:01] anthonyretro: What even has the porn industry worried?
[11:04:07] dracon332: that's kinda sad
[11:04:10] dracon332: but the internet
[11:04:15] dracon332: because who wants to pay for porn...
[11:04:20] dracon332: when you can get it free
[11:04:24] anthonyretro: Precisely
[11:04:37] anthonyretro: Since I have a tiny hard drive and no space left on it, yet again
[11:04:46] anthonyretro: I don't even understand downloading it
[11:05:07] anthonyretro: Too many places stream it now
[11:05:14] dracon332: it's just...
[11:05:28] dracon332: slightly frightening that it has this much power and influence
[11:05:34] dracon332: and it's not just a country
[11:05:37] dracon332: it's the whole damn world
[11:05:55] dracon332: this isn't a trend
[11:06:13] anthonyretro: My uncle once refused to get a computer because he knew that's how Satan would attack the world during the Tribulation
[11:06:25] anthonyretro: He got over that soon, though
[11:06:31] dracon332: heh
[11:06:33] dracon332: I mean
[11:06:39] dracon332: it's impossible to turn it down
[11:06:48] dracon332: while it is filled with sinful hedonism and terrible things
[11:06:59] anthonyretro: That's why it's impossible to turn down
[11:07:05] dracon332: True
[11:07:19] dracon332: and it gives the illusion of anonymity
[11:07:35] dracon332: so not only can you indulge yourself, but you can do it so no one ever knows.
[11:07:43] dracon332: secrecy
[11:07:45] dracon332: lies
[11:07:52] anthonyretro: Even more allure
[11:08:02] dracon332: It's really a frightening thing
[11:08:13] dracon332: is this going to stop me from waking up and turning on my computer every morning?
[11:08:14] dracon332: fuck no.
[11:08:25] dracon332: I'm a pawn just like the rest of us
[11:08:28] dracon332: and so are you.
[11:08:54] anthonyretro: I'm just happy I'm at least forthright of a person to start with comics as opposed to starting with porn
[11:09:11] dracon332: regardless of where you start
[11:09:19] anthonyretro: If every day started with porn, then I may have a problem
[11:09:31] dracon332: it's more than just porn though
[11:09:49] dracon332: it's the idea of one giant..."thing" if that's what you can call it
[11:09:57] dracon332: the internet is more than just a person or a place
[11:10:01] dracon332: more than a single thing
[11:10:10] dracon332: it's so many things working together
[11:10:17] dracon332: it's too large of a concept to grasp
[11:10:20] dracon332: yet
[11:10:23] dracon332: it's so controlling
[11:10:25] dracon332: so demanding
[11:10:32] anthonyretro: You can still call it a series of tubes, though
[11:10:42] dracon332: I snickered at that
[11:11:09] dracon332: What bothers me now isn't that I'm a blind follower
[11:11:27] dracon332: but that I have the same views as people devoted to their religions
[11:11:37] dracon332: they don't understand how you don't think the way they do
[11:11:44] dracon332: if someone told me "the internet is stupid"
[11:11:52] dracon332: I'd look at them like they lost their mind
[11:11:56] anthonyretro: Who would say such a thing?
[11:11:59] dracon332: exactly.
[11:12:05] dracon332: who would dare insult the internet
[11:12:17] dracon332: even though, y'know...parts of it are extremely stupid
[11:12:23] anthonyretro: I'm starting to see what you're saying
[11:12:39] anthonyretro: You're afraid the internet is become a God-like figure?
[11:12:49] dracon332: It is a God-like figure
[11:12:55] dracon332: it's already in our minds
[11:13:07] dracon332: we can't imagine turning away from it
[11:13:12] dracon332: we devote our days to it
[11:13:22] dracon332: we do in a way...worship the internet.
[11:13:36] anthonyretro: And it doesn't even have anything to do with our work personally
[11:13:46] anthonyretro: It will for me eventually
[11:13:57] anthonyretro: But it's taken every part of our personal lives
[11:14:04] dracon332: exactly.
[11:14:07] anthonyretro: And for many one earth, both personal and professional
[11:14:21] dracon332: precisely
[11:14:32] dracon332: that's a really scary thought.
[11:14:50] dracon332: and what's scarier is I just now thought of this as we discussed it
[11:14:56] dracon332: so we've been doing this for years
[11:14:59] dracon332: and not even realizing it
[11:15:59] anthonyretro: Still, why turn away from it?
[11:16:13] anthonyretro: The internet is a part of our day
[11:16:16] anthonyretro: Like wearing clothes
[11:16:22] dracon332: true
[11:16:24] anthonyretro: Like haircuts
[11:16:31] dracon332: we are not yet punished from turning from it
[11:16:36] dracon332: but what if we are
[11:16:46] dracon332: I mean
[11:16:58] dracon332: what if some day, you can only buy things online
[11:17:05] dracon332: or y'know
[11:17:09] dracon332: you can only be educated online
[11:17:14] dracon332: or something to that extent
[11:17:28] anthonyretro: There was always talk of that, but I can't ever believe it
[11:17:39] anthonyretro: You can't go grocery shopping online really
[11:17:45] dracon332: you can
[11:17:59] dracon332: you just have to trust someone elses judgement
[11:18:02] dracon332: which you do already
[11:18:07] anthonyretro: Not always
[11:18:09] dracon332: everytime you type a question in online
[11:18:20] dracon332: that's someone elses opinion you're reading
[11:18:41] anthonyretro: Yeah, but if I'm buying cantelope
[11:18:49] anthonyretro: I would still want to thump my own melon
[11:19:12] anthonyretro: Not that I buy cantaloupe
[11:19:15] anthonyretro: I hate melon
[11:19:48] dracon332: you love watermelon
[11:19:50] dracon332: ...nigger..
[11:20:25] dracon332: now
[11:20:37] dracon332: I'm not saying that we have to turn away from it
[11:21:11] dracon332: I'm just saying that we've conceded to a larger power
[11:21:42] dracon332: of course we feel comfortable with it
[11:21:51] dracon332: it's large, vast and incomprehensible
[11:22:08] dracon332: But I mean
[11:22:12] dracon332: you as a christian
[11:22:14] dracon332: should be wary
[11:22:24] dracon332: isn't that like the first commandment?
[11:22:51] anthonyretro: I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me
[11:23:03] dracon332: something along those lines yese
[11:23:05] dracon332: *yes
[11:23:06] dracon332: Now
[11:23:13] dracon332: I don't want you to feel bad or anything
[11:23:22] anthonyretro: Which I might be
[11:23:48] anthonyretro: Because I certainly just typed out the first commandment by memory in an instant message window right next to a porn video
[11:24:00] dracon332: wow
[11:24:11] dracon332: I just snorted really hard
[11:24:33] anthonyretro: Yeah, I think I'm going to take a little break from porn right now
[11:25:04] dracon332: Interesting.
[11:25:20] dracon332: I feel...I don't know what the word is
[11:25:27] dracon332: inspired?
[11:25:34] dracon332: I haven't thought like this in a long time.

...but I love the internet
and so do you.

Confoundit

I've been upset quite a bit recently.
For various reasons
And sometimes I write them down here
Annoyances if you will.
Things that irk the living crap out of you.
And it's not that you don't have the discipline to deal with it
Because that's exactly what you're doing
You're just tired of it.

I say "you"
But obviously I'm talking about myself here
You are irrelevant
...right now.
...and most other times

(I kid.)

I know I've made it obvious that we all have to do things in life
things that we like
things that we hate
things we don't give a shit about
things that don't give a shit about us
But things we have to do anyway.
And that's all fine and dandy.
Everyone knows they have to do things
They might not always know why
But they know they have to do things.
...mostly.

But what is it that makes something enjoyable
Or even...doable
...with less fuss?
Annoyance?
Problems?
People?
All of the above?
Yes.

Lets take something...simple
Like paying rent.
(Obviously I have a problem with this, which is why I'm using it as an example)
(Not really clever, I know, but who cares.)

I pay rent
I do.
I'm a dutiful tenant
and I like staying on the goodside of the person that owns the property.
...for the most part.
I don't understand why someone wouldn't pay rent
It seems like more hassle than it's worth really.
I get tired of people knocking on my door for pretty much anything
If they did it everyday? Oh we'd have issues.

I bring this up
Because where I live now
I have a habit of being asked or told that rent is needed
and it needs to be paid.

...well no shit.
cause clearly
I didn't know that.
I wasn't aware that after living in the same place for a year
I'd have to pay money
like I did last month
and the month before that
and the month after this one.

...I mean really
How many times do you have to tell someone something
-If- they've already been doing it.
I can understand repeating things to someone who doesn't ever seem to do
what it is they need to do
but I mean...really.

Now I could just be being petty
I know it's an obligation
that I need to blah blah blah blah
Who gives a shit.
I know what I have to do
Stop.
Just
Stop saying it.
You're annoying.
Just
Stop.
STOP.

Jesus.

This is why I used to throw my phone across the room.
Because of people
and the incessant noise.
Chatter chatter, bitch bitch bitch, cry, moan, whomp whomp.
I don't need it
I don't need to hear it
I don't want to
So stop.

...People talk too damn much.

Now I know
This is a bit...unusual for me
Anger isn't one of my favorite traits
Nor is bitchiness
But
Truth be told
I am an asshole and a good natured person at heart.
Just because
...It suits me.

The moral of todays story
If there is indeed one at all.
Is
...nothing.

I've got nothing
I don't know why people pester people
I don't know why the same things get asked over and over and over again
(until you want to break someone's face)
I've never known
and it's always annoyed the living shit out of me.

...but I'm wrong to ignore people
Which is something I don't understand.
If you don't like something
Or the situation
Or a certain person
You can't control that
What you can control is your reaction.
You don't have to get mad
Or throw chairs
Or curse them out
(although that's admittedly funnier)
You can remove yourself from the situation
Until you've calmed down
Or
until it stops being so...hectic.
But leave too long
And people get offended.

Why?
I don't know.
People are weird.

So
To all of us out there dealing with the same shit
Every fucking day
the nagging, the naysayers, the parents, the bullies
Whatever motherfucker it happens to be
I say
Shut it.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
I'm not dealing with it.
...Not right now, and not that way.
I don't care.

...
wow that was angry.
I don't think it suits me very well
or maybe it does
maybe I spend so much time avoiding anger because I know it so well.
Interesting thoughts.
But I am only human.
I'm still learning to deal with things.

...just on my own time
and my own watch
and in my own way.

...that's all you've got really.
You take what you make of it.
...and that's all I have to say about that.

Fear.

I'm faced with some decisions
...lately
not just right now
It's been a couple of months actually
I just tend not to think about them all the time
Because it makes my stomach feel...
...empty.

It's fear.
I know it is
And it...well, it sucks.
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the negative
Fear of....failure.
It's a lot of different things
But when it comes down to it
I'm just afraid.
Scared, even.

Why?
Because I'm human
And one of my natural impulses is to stay put
Where I know how to deal with things
But
Apparently I don't know how to deal with things
If I feel a change is in order.
It's a weird cycle.

I know I need to move
I don't need to pay so much money to live in a room
When I could be living somewhere nicer
...in an apartment.
I mean really...
...in this economy?
I know I need to get in school
Because I'm broke
and I can't afford $800 loan payments
(for a school that I hated.)
There are a lot of things that I need to do
That need to be done
That need to be dealt with.
But I'm stuck.
Paralyzed with fear.

Why?
I don't know.
What do I have to lose?
Really?
Nothing.
If I'm declined
I move along.
Or...
Maybe that's why I'm scared
I want so bad for something to happen
That if it doesn't
I'd feel crushed.
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated.
...it's a bit melodramatic, sure
But we all feel this way at some point or another.

So what do you do to deal with fear?
You can't really shun it
"I don't believe in fear"
...that doesn't really work for me.
Hell
I'm scared of bugs
Yea that's right
I said it
I'm scared of bugs.
So sue me.

...does that stop me from dealing with (read: killing) them?
No.
It startles me sometimes
But I still have to get the job done.

...have to.
There's a novel concept.
"Have To"
...
We do things in life because we Have To.
It's that simple.
Because we must
In order to live
to survive
to...be happy?
...in the long run, I suppose.

But
We Have To.
We eat...because We Have To
We drink...because We Have To
We shit...because We Have To.
We have sex...because it feels good...I mean...because We Have To (reproduce)
It's a daunting thing
A looming presence
A foreshadowing monster
That's always there
Always pressing
Pushing your nerves
Bustin' your chops
Forcing you to strive.

It's a compelling argument
...not initially though
But it always makes its way through
Always.
...Always.

Which makes you think
What is fear
Other than a means of distraction
From what you Have To do?
Interesting thoughts.
What purpose does it serve
Other than to stifle your progress?
It doesn't seem very beneficial
Unless you count the supposed Courage
that one acquires from "conquering" their fears
The affirmation that you could in fact complete your task
The affirmation that you are in fact a strong-willed person
The affirmation that fear was irrelevant.

...I don't know
That's too deep for me.
Let's keep it on the basic level.
Fear = bad.

that's pretty much it.
And now
Despite the heavy chains that seem to be weighing down my body
I have to call someone
...see
there it goes again
"Have To".

...damn.

Insomnia.

I can't sleep.
I'm aware that this is a growing problem in this generation.
With all these kids on Ritalin, Adderall, and various anti-depressants and whatnot.
Trust me
Adderall ain't no joke.
Like many misguided teenagers, I've had my run of various drugs
And Adderall was probably one I shouldn't have taken
But, curiosity gets to the best of us I suppose.
Would you like to hear about it?
I'm sure you would.

I had a friend some years ago
Well, we're still good friends
I just don't know if he ever found out
Well, anyway
He had some adderall pills
and his dad had a liquor cabinet
Not really a good combination for a reckless teenager.
I had no idea what adderall did, but I figured it was worth popping a couple
I mean, a pill's a pill, right?
I'd knocked back like 9 tylenol capsules just to be drowsy some nights
I lived through that
What could be worse?
Well.
Adderall is an amphetamine.
I have no idea what that means
I do know that it made me severely fucked up.
At first I just took one.
Nothing.
So I took another.
Still nothing.
No immediate effects, nothing gone wrong
So I figured my dosage must've been too low.
I took two more.
That's when the fun started.
I began to feel...focused.
Very very...focused.
I can't really describe what I was thinking at that point
Mostly because I don't think I was thinking at that point.
The only thing I became focused on was the video game on the screen
(It was God of War on God mode, by the way...also not a good combination.
There's nothing worse than being focused on something you can't beat, but won't ever give up on)
At some point I got up to pee
(I still don't remember exactly when)
And I decided
Hell, if that's what two more pills did
I wonder what two -more- pills would do
So I took them.
Yes...I took no less than 6 adderall pills within a 3 hour period.
Not one of my wisest choices
But I guess we have to learn things the hard way.

I'm not very good with descriptions
But just imagine...being focused on something
Focused to hard that you can't quit even if you want to
Quitting itself doesn't even cross your mind
There is no quit
There is no finish
It just goes on and on and on
Focused on one thing
With super intensity.
Forgoing hunger, sleepiness, thirst and awareness of your surroundings
To be
Completely
There.

That's all there is.

Just being there
And doing that task.

Now, in some branches of religion
That might not necessarily be a bad thing
But you have to eat at some point, right?
Not on adderall you don't.
Your body is like "food? f-o-o-d? I've never heard of this, Shut Up and get back to work."
It's not very nice about it.

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night
Or the night after that.
In fact, I almost blacked out trying to wash some clothes later that day
That was very interesting...

We ordered pizza
And I couldn't touch it
Like...I couldn't even eat a sausage
My jaw hurt.
My face hurt.
My body hurt.
My mind hurt.
I hurt.

...that, and my stomach felt like it was being devoured by its own acid for about a week and half.
Like I said...not one of my wisest choices.


...
Why'd I bring up this story?
No real reason, of course.
I just found myself unable to sleep this morning.
And my insomnia sometimes causes me to reminisce.
Let's not misunderstand now
I don't suffer from insomnia often
Just usually when I have a guilty conscience, stress, or too much caffeine.
You know, the usual things.

...
What was learned?
Don't take 6 adderall pills in a row
Obviously.
Sometimes you just have to experiment.
That's just how it is.
You'll never know if you never try.

Now you've got to be saying
"You damn near killed yourself, why would you do that?"
Because I was curious.
Curiosity is in our nature.
There's no point avoiding it
It's who we are
It's what we do.
To a fault, yes.
Nonetheless, it is what it means to be human
Or even an animal
Just to be a sentient being capable of thought
Provokes curiosity.

And like I said
You'll never know the answers
If you never experiment.
...and you won't always be smart about it.