real

So next week Ariel is going off to visit Alexander
Well, it's not a direct trip, but it's close enough.
She'll be away from home for the better part of 2 weeks
(week and a half, whatever.)
And during that time I can only assume they'll see each other
at least once.
(Probably a lot more)

How do I feel about that?
To be honest, I'm not quite sure.
On the one hand, part of me is still like
Augh, wtf!
They're gonna...they're gonna have sexual relations!
Oh no!
Or rather...
It's possible they might have sexual relations!
Oh no!

I guess that's both my fear and something I'm critically aware of.
It's also difficult for me to really break it down
Because well, I just don't know that many people that I could talk to about it.
To be fair, I'll probably just end up telling some random bar patron about it
That usually makes me feel better
But it also sucks for the sheer reason that most people just don't get it

I mean, that's what poly relationships are.
Consenting adult relationships between multiple people
where boundaries, rules and respect are demanded.

I understand this all, y'know, and it makes sense
But I just can't stop this little voice in my head that adds
"in theory"
to everything.

That's what poly relationships are (in theory)
Consenting adult...demanded ...(in theory)

It's hard to go off of "in theory"
because a theory is just a theory.
It's also one of those words that gets weird lookin if you write it out enough.
I am terrible with my explanations, I understand this
Let me try that again:

In the realm of possibilities, I understand how this is supposed to work
conceptually
In the realm of reality, it's a bit more difficult to put it into practice
Not to say there's really anything I can do to stop or change this at this point
which does eat at me on occasion

The fact of the matter is this:
My serious girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has another relationship with a somewhat close friend of mine
Their relationship is similar, yet also different
As it stands, I am completely aware of him
just as he is completely aware of me
We both acknowledge this, and each other's respective place in her life.
They haven't seen each other for the better part of 3 years or so
Understandably, there will be some sort of tension between the two of them
upon her arrival.
I am to understand that it is not a matter of rivalry, or replacement
but something more like a parallel.
We're headed towards the same destination
Each road is just a little different.

The question is, do I trust her and him?
Trust them to do what?
I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what they might do that I don't already know about
It's not deceptive
I'm completely aware of how they feel about each other.
Does it bother me?
A little, sure.
I'm an only child raised in a mostly single parent home
I don't particularly like to share.
I understand the need of things to be shared
How it can bring joy to many people instead of just one
That doesn't mean it's gonna change how I feel immediately.

I needed to write this out because I need to face facts.
For the better part of 2 years I'd been thinking about when this day would come
I wouldn't say I've been preparing for it
But learning how to deal with it better.
2 years ago I might've considered it cheating
I might've thought there was something wrong with me
That she wanted to leave me
That somewhere along the line, shit got fucked up.

These are all based on fears and insecurities.

And to be honest, I still have to deal with them
But that's the thing
At least I can deal with it now.
Before I probably would just break down
or better yet, just walked away.

I'm still learning to deal with this
because I can't stop the voices in my head
the things telling me that so much bad shit could happen
Has any bad shit happened yet? No
But it could!
That's what they say.

I've never seen a relationship like mine before
And that scares me
I still can't find a relationship that works as well as mine
And that scares me
I don't want this relationship to end
And that scares me
A lot of things scare me
But i don't really have much of a choice.
Part of being an adult is dealing with shit that scares you.
Sometimes it works in your favor
Sometimes it doesn't
But life doesn't really give you the choice.

I'm not sure what it is that life gives you
Does it give anything?
Or do you just kinda have to take it?

It took the better part of 20 years for me to find someone that loves and understands me
in a way that feels natural to me
That's not something I'm willing to part with easily.
On the other hand, having this poly lifestyle also means I should be able to find
other people that will be important to me
Do I have to wait another 20 years for that?

bj

Was it love or was it lust?
That's the question that's been plaguing me for most of the day.
Or was it anything at all?

Yes, it was something
of that I am to some degree certain.
Naturally, I doubt myself
but who doesn't?

I doubt myself often because I have some deep need to punish myself
Lord only knows why.
Seriously
I have some serious masochistic tendencies
I abuse the shit out of my emotions
For no good reason.

Rather, there is a reason
I know that pain
I embrace that pain
That pain is something I know I can trust in
It sounds incredibly stupid
to be fair, it is incredibly stupid
But that's just how I am.

So was it love or was it lust?
Is it passion, or was it just a burst of feeling?
A lingering feeling.
A feeling that bothers me sometimes
when I'm minding my own business.
Am I dwelling?
Yes.
Am I brooding?
Possibly, I have been known to do it on many occasions.

But why think about it?
Why now?
Could've been that book
Or maybe its just the time for it.

Because I want to -know-.
I want to be certain.
I can't go off of percentages
75% isn't enough.
I need to know

But do I really?
Is this any different than times before?
I don't know.
Is it my sheer foolishness?
Most likely.
Then what am I doing?
I haven't the slightest clue.
What should I do?
That's a hell of a good question.

What will I do?
Only time can tell.

What happened there?

Why did it happen?

Questions.
They never stop
The never cease
They do pause sometimes
and I have a period of respite

But they come back
with the same fervor.

And they always seem to go unanswered.

But I am a child of obsession
a creature of habit
a masochistic miser
and I just
keep
going.

Which moments are those we choose to hold dear to us?
Are they love, or are they lust?

Leepa Chai

Yes, I did watch Pootie Tang today
No, I don't know why I enjoy that movie so much
I just do.

Yes, I have been saying those silly phrases all day
No, I don't really know what they mean
But it's fun.

That being said

Lately I feel like someone out of a Murakami novel
Which is to say
Ordinary.

The thing I love about Murakami's characters is that they are mostly
completely normal.
I mean, yes they are strange in their own ways
But believable ways.
Everyone has quirks right? Of course.
But what better way to relate someone than to show those quirks?
But of course we all have chores and errands and business to take care of
Sometimes it's something more...public like paying rent
or sometimes it's something less talked about like masturbation.
The point is, we all do it, and it's a very relative thing.

In Murakami's novels, you have these very normal people
Doing semi-normal, but believable things
When something slightly less than normal turns into something far from normal.
Which I find incredibly interesting.
I love how he takes simple slight strange acts and turns them into a gripping mystery.

For example, in "Dance Dance Dance", the protagonist is just some guy
that does a lot of busy work. Nothing too specific, he just does the job he's paid for
Is it hard? Not particularly
Is it tedious? Sure, if you let it be
Could he do something else? Absolutely
But he doesn't
He does what he does because he's efficient at it
Because he's been doing it for a while
And he knows how to get it done.
See? Ordinary.
No extra riskiness, no extra catch
Just like a dude shoveling snow.

There's this woman that he lived with
For a good time he didn't know her name
Or some such thing
But one day she just up and left
No note, no goodbye, nothing.
Just left.

First a day, then a week, then a month and so forth
No words, no letters, nothing.
She was just gone.

Still alive, yes.
But not there.

Strange, but not unheard of
This then progresses into what turns out to be a sort of strange chasing game.
And with each step of the chase something new is unfolded
He finds himself in places he never thought he'd be
doing things that he wasn't sure he ever had time for
or the nuts to do
And it continues to evolve the story, and the protagonist.

Something unordinary turned into something strange
Murakami's work is...riveting to me, in case you couldn't tell.

But that's how I feel
Very...ordinary.
Which is particularly odd to me
Because I'm not particularly ordinary.
I'm normal, sure
But not ordinary.
Not extraordinary
Not some kind of special
Just not...ordinary.
I'm not mediocre, milquetoast or melancholy.
Yet I feel that's the direction of my life right now

This confuses me.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be searching for something
or if something is searching for me
I don't know if I'm supposed to express myself
or let the expression come through me.
I don't know if I'm supposed to know
Or if the knowledge will come to me
I feel...not stuck, but not moving either
There aren't very good words to describe it
Yet, I have all the words in the dictionary.

In love, in life, I don't know if I'm supposed to search
Or what it is I'm supposed to be searching for.

Lately I've been trying to understand the so called...
Spark
that comes between attracted people.
To me the sparks are different
Which is to say, i can find a woman very attractive
and desire her on that level
yet i don't feel any pull that's different than any other beautiful woman
Is that my fault?
Is it because I'm unreceptive?
Or is it because there just isn't a special spark there?
What is a special spark?
Would I know it if it were there?

It's like being in a room full of doors
How do you know which one to pick?
Intuition?
Logic?
Process of elimination?
All of the above?
None of the above?
How does anyone know?

So I find myself looking towards the "sparks" in my life that have had some kind of impact on me
I find that they aren't sparks at all
But rather some force or spacial differentiation that I have no idea of
I don't have a spark with my wife
I have a bond-thing
It's something I've never questioned
Because it doesn't need to be questioned.
It answers itself
Or rather it produces no unnecessary answers.

So I look elsewhere.
Unfortunately, diving into this elsewhere
leads me down roads I'd rather not go.
For one reason or another.

So I sit here, tired.
Thinking
Not thinking
Doing
Doing nothing
Pursuing
Waiting for nothing at all
Wondering

I can't find words
I never can
My thoughts go too fast
Like pictures without captions.
Whole worlds of thought and possiblity
passed through impulses in my brain
before I can blink

Yet, it seems like forever
Inside my head there are millions of endless strings of conscienceness
or consciencelessness
And nothing I can do to stop them
or express them in the right words

I actually find my own mouth to be a handicap
And while typing is nice
it just doesn't move fast enough.

There is a stairway
leading to a room
but the steps are hollow
each click of a heel
sends echos spiraling into the darkness below

But where does it lead?
Where did it come from?
And why am I here?

Scooter

I went to the pool the other day
Finally.
I swear it's been like 3 years
since I've even seen water in one place like that.
It was fun
A bit over-chlorinated
But hey
If I worked at a public pool, I'd do that shit to.
People are dirty man.

And even if they're not
Their kids are.

No offense to children
they can't really help it.

"Aw the little baby pooped in the pool"

That shit ain't cute
That's disgusting.
I don't care if its the next poster child for Gerber
Poop is poop dammit.

Anyway
Wherever I go
I still smell chlorinated water.
I don't know why this is.
Does my body miss the pool?
Or did I just forget to wash a towel?
It's confusing.

I think I might start a new series of posts
Based on the things I hear at work
and the things that make me shake my head at my girlfriend.
We'll see how this turns out.

In other news
I'm pretty sure I've decided on my tattoo placement
now its just a matter of text-style
and places to get it done.

But why get a tattoo?
It's not different.
It's not unusual.
It's not unique.

You're right, it's not.
Sometimes I do things that aren't unusual.
That's unusual for me.
Therefore it counts.

Cocktail Madness...the prologue

Once again I find myself exploring booze.
What can I say, it's a pastime
...an awesome pastime.

Anyway, I got my hands on this (not-so-great-tasting)
Malt Beverage
It's called Four-Loko.

Due to the alcoholic content in this malt beverage
(12.0% abv)
(the average beer is like 5.0%)
There's been some controversy over certain places selling it
Right now it's only available at select gas stations in my area
But that's fine
After all
It's a a malt beverage (read: nigga drank)

Imagine if you took a concentrated 40oz
added some Red Bull, a shot of really generic Vodka (read: Barton's)
and a bit of fruit juice.
That right there, that's Four-Loko
Essentially.
At least, that's what it tastes like.
And for the record, no that's not particularly tasty.
Yes, it will get you fucked up
Yes, you'll probably get a headache.
But what were you really expecting when you paid 3 bucks
for a can of concentrated booze?

As if it weren't niggerish enough to buy a 24oz malt beverage from a gas station at midnight
(That's pretty fuckin niggerish)
(The only thing I was missing was a Black and Mild)
The only flavor they had available was...
that's right, you guessed it, Watermelon.

Well, I decided to mess around with it because it needed some serious help
and this is what I came with.

The Fuck-You-Up Punch. (working title)

8oz Four Loko (watermelon flavor)
1 shot Peach Schnapps
1/2 shot Midori
Few splashes of Sour Mix
Fill with Gingerale

It definately takes the bite off the booze
even gives it a bit more flavor.
Feel free to make this a party drink
Just put it in one of those gatorade dispensers
and don't tell anyone what's in it
It's like Hunch Punch...only not.


Oh, and I also tried Moscato
...I don't see what the big deal is about it.
I love white wine as much as the next wanna be snob
But Sparkling Desert Wine?
get the fuck outta here...

Dashboard.

So I made this cocktail
It looks kinda like a booger
but it tastes like sweetness.

I shot Bourbon
1/2 shot peach schnapps
1/2 shot Midori
1/2 shot Triple Sec
Sunny Delight

Add in a shaker over ice, shake and pour.

Not sure what to call it yet
But it's not bad.
Although I probably have to run it past my test audiences.
Maybe lighten up on some of the liquors
Or at least actually measure it next time.

Seagulls

Metaphorically
I've been watching seagulls.

That is to say
I've been watching them fly around in circles
Initially it was quite soothing.

I am a man of the sea
...no, not a sailor
But water plays an integral part of my lifestyle.
Without it, I am...lost.

So the seagulls have been a sort of compliment to the ocean view.
Except I realized that my feet were not in water.
In fact, there are no lakes, rivers, or hell, even ponds where I live
And those birds weren't seagulls
They were pidgeons.

Which of course brought me to a few realizations:
1) What have I been doing?
2) Where's my water?
3) Did I really just have an illusion?
4) I must be lost.
5) What have I been missing?

I've been caught up in extreme melancholy
A time period so...bland that I've become milquetoast.

Working where I do
I see hundreds of new faces
Everyday.
Hundreds, thousands even
And they're all the same to me.
Which really saddens me.
The people...they're never different.
The same types rotate in and out of the place
Down to the work force.
There's no...variety
No...diversity
Not even a well...I don't know what to call it
I feel in every place there should be that one person that makes you say
"What the fuck?" at least once a day.
Just to keep things interesting.
Here? No such thing.
The predictability of it all was and still is wearing me down

I'm finally able to open my eyes a little bit
which is a relief in some ways
but part of me also feels that dragging feeling
that knows my eyes are going to get heavy again.

I suppose one of the best ways to describe it is to take a line from a Jealousy Curve song
entitled "Lazy Days"

"Well these lazy days, they teach a lesson here
My motivation's gone, and the fucking TV
it runs on and on
I can't find a single thing to do
To make this all less ordinary"

While I continue contemplating what else I'd like to express
For now lets take a look at the poly side of my life.

For the first time in probably quite sometime
I'm actually disappointed in myself for not acquiring someone's number.

You see...facial expression is important to me
and by important I'm pretty sure that means it's a turn on
Or rather, control of the facial expressions is a turn on
Something about the ability to do things with eyebrows,
the slightly mischievous curve of a lip
It's so...intriguing to me
Strangely enough moreso because I can do it too.
I am a sucker for it and it has lead to some...unlikeable situations for me
But, I still acknowledge it as something that interests me.
But I'm digressing.

Long story short, I did end up hanging out with these two chicks
and I thought we were having good conversation
amidst everything else that was going on
Ideally having both numbers would've been nice
But there came a point where I didn't want to be
...how do say...
too forward?

I suppose I must just take the L for that one.
Its a rotten shame though
I think that may have been the first time I actually wanted a fling
as opposed to say, a longer relationship
It was...enlightening in a way.

That was also the first time I could've gotten more than one number at once
...that's always exciting.

The operative word here however is "could've"
So we chalk this one up to the
"could've, would've, should've" category
and watch it tumble down the well of obscurity.

I have always been afraid to "pull the trigger"
for one reason or another
Most of it is fear-related
But there does come a point
(usually when I'm drunk)
That I feel it's just that time
And I'm willing to give something a shot

Why is it that in my sobriety
I become so...closed to the world?
In my sobriety the world really, really sucks
In my inebriation the world still sucks, but I don't give a damn about it.
In my sobriety...and as I'm typing this it's making me think about writing a song
...I do what needs to be done regardless of time and effort
in my inebriation the little things are easier to find.
It's a perplexing world
While sober I am a man of serious intentions (except when I'm at home)
taking care of all kinds of business, being responsible, enjoying the breeze
When I've had a few drinks it becomes incredibly easy for me to find
that little extra piece of awesome in the day.
Hell, I even cook better while drunk.

And I know, being drunk everyday is a testament to the true alcoholic
but it does make things fun y'know?
I suppose there's a key to doing it in moderation
Yea, I've gone to work buzzed a few times
Who hasn't?
Sometimes you need that little extra awesome in your day.

It's early morning
I rise early, yes
But rarely this early.

I mean
Yes this post is at 7:30 in the morning
but I've been up since about 5.

I know why this is
But it doesn't stop me from being up.

I have things I need to do
I have things that are getting complex
and complex things irk me.

That, and I haven't really been online much recently
There are lots of news articles and whatnot
for me to catch up on.

Why?
Because there's no need for me to be online
I'm not that connected to any online community anymore.

Truthfully I'm not really connected to any community.

That's not to say I don't have contacts and acquaintances
I just get to them in due time.

but who cares, really?
Which is the point I suppose.
I think to some degree we all feel the need to justify our whereabouts
Even if we're speaking to no one in particular.

We want to feel like we belong
That somewhere out there in the world someone is listening
Or watching

Yet at the same time
I would feel incredibly creeped out if I thought someone was watching my every move.

Then again I suppose that's what they created Twitter for.
(Incidentally, yes I am on twitter.)

Sure, you can choose to tell everyone that you're taking a shit
Or buying groceries
Or flinging a hamster off a bridge
Or giving yourself a stranger
or any variety of other things

And people can choose to listen and respond
Or they can just ignore your shit and move on with their lives.
(The latter option is a very common response)

How is it that we can want to express almost every part of our lives
And still feel weirded out about doing it?

Who would create something like that?

It's like...with sex.
We all want to do it
It feels good and natural
But there are so many drawbacks
Like
Inherent flaws
in people.

You can be really kind to your neighbors
but a complete dick to your waiter
or retail associate.

my inevitable conclusion
is that people don't make any fucking sense.
They never have
and probably never will.

I suppose it's one of many things
that makes humans separate from the rest of the functional world
But I mean
Why?

Why are people like this?
Why are people so...people?
How can we be so brilliant and so incredibly fucked up?
So lucky and full of potential, yet so incredibly naive and ignorant?

Who the fuck would create something like that?

I don't know
I'm ranting.
I apologize.

My thoughts are scattered today.
Once again I find myself waiting
But in this waiting I am forced to dwell on my thoughts.

I have not taken pen to paper in a while
Nor have I finished changing my guitar strings
So I have some anxiety built up.
Some sense of accomplishment that's gone unfulfilled
And yes, it is frustrating.

I have also neglected cleaning
Which I should probably be doing instead of writing this post
But no post is unneeded.

...(U(*@#URJH!I@!@$O(!@& U)*(JI

...Fin.

Por qué

Because I am a fool.
Because you are a fool.
Because we are human.
Because we make mistakes.
Because we forgive.
Because we don't want to let go.
Because we are afraid.
Because I
just don't know
how to do
what I need to do.

Because there are so many things to say
Because there's never enough time
Because it's unpoetic
Because it sounds needy
Because we need excuses.
Because I care.
Because you don't.
Because we know
Because we have no idea.

Because we must learn
Because we must grow
Because we must move on
Because we have no choice.

Because of pain
Because of joy
Because of anger
Because of sadness
Because the pursuit of happiness, is still just a pursuit.

Because we can never know what to want
Because we never have all the answers
Because we have no guides
Because we are alone.

Because I can't
Because you can
Because I should
Because you did.

Because is an excuse
Because is an escape
Because is just because
Because is a word.

Because I am human
Because I have faults
Because I am naive
Because I don't know.

Because we wish for so many things
Because sometimes we get them
Because sometimes we get nothing
Because belief is a strong motivator
Because belief is incredibly stupid
Because you are rash
Because you are impulsive
Because you are full of passion
Because you love.

Because we feel
Because it hurts
Because we don't want it to
Because it's going to anyway.

Because it's unmanly
Because it's not ladylike
Because you're a grownup
Because you're not that old.

Because it's never enough
Because sometimes it's too damn much
Because there are too many reasons to say
Because.

Endlessly

This is ridiculous.
I'm up at damn near 5 in the morning.
I've been up for an hour.

Why?

Because there's an enormous amount of tension in my body.
Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep like that.

What kind of tension?

Some of it is sexual, sure.
Some of it is back pain from work
Some of it is because I can't wipe these images from my head
and that is causing me to be jilted awake
every 40 minutes or so.

The thing is, half of me doesn't want to erase these images
They...assist me
But they also drive me crazy.

It's like dreaming about a hot pizza or a sandwich or something.
Part of you wants to continue to think about how marvelous the pizza is
The other part of you just wants to get up and eat.
And there's a whole other part that says
"It's 4 in the fucking morning, go back to sleep"

Supposing of course that you've decided you're going to have the pizza
It's just a question of whether or not you continue to tease yourself
(thus making the pizza even better)
or to just sate your urges and be done with it.

It's another thing entirely if you dream of the pizza
Know that you're going to have it
But also know the store isn't open at 4 in the morning
so you have to wait until it does.

How do you function?
On the one hand, you're dead set on it
On the other hand, you have no choice but to wait.
And so you sit
Restless.
Waiting.
On some form of edge
And you might be irritable.
Depends on the time of day.

I used an example of food
But I suppose a more appropriate example
would be sex.
Sex is much more tempting than a pizza
(Even if you're under the influence)
You can't think about sex all night
and then not do something about it.

It drives you crazy.
Hormones are the hardest partying motherfuckers out there.
Once they get started
You're screwed
(And you probably want to be)

But you can't just tell them to go away.
Because they won't.
They don't give a good goddamn how you feel.

So what do you do?
Masturbate?
If it is purely sexual urges, that might help.
But there are no guarantees.
Nothing takes the place of sex...except sex.
Nothing replaces intimacy except intimacy.

These are only made worse by thinking about the times
You let opportunity knock while you fiddled with the remote to the TV.

So now
You just suffer.
And you wait.
And it makes you awake at 4 in the morning
Writing posts
about why the fuck you're up
at 4 in the damn morning.

I digress.

Now that I've let that out
Its time to take a look at myself through my actions.

I find myself in a situation
Where I have the ability
To make things happen.
But I fear
many things.
Or rather
I feared many things.
I don't fear as much now

But I do fear
that feeling will return.

Which would suck.

I realize, perpetually
That I'm rather sensitive.
Not like a sixth sense or anything
But rather, as my friend used to put it
I'm "soft like ice cream".
I'd like to think I've at least frozen up a bit more
Maybe got some frostbite or something
But I'm still pretty soft.

That is to say
I spend time thinking
and worrying
About making sure everyone else is comfortable
That I don't cross someone else's borders
That I be respectful and thoughtful.
And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
There's a difference between being respectful
And being a doormat.
Respectful is inviting someone into your house
Being a doormat...is well, being a damn doormat.
You should never let people walk on or over you
That is not okay.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Friends, Lovers, Parents.
No one.
That's detrimental to one's self-image.
And lord knows that's the last thing people need in this day and age.

My...condition, as it were
Often leads me to bouts of inaction
or passive action.
Both things I need to work on, yes I'm aware.
(I'm getting better about it)
(Albeit slowly)

The best thing you can do
Is admitting that you even have issues.
From there it's a battle, sure
But you're not going in there blind
And that's important.

My inaction often arises
out of a desire to...
...how do you say...
keep a distance.

I feel like I can have a tendency
To be a bit...much sometimes.
Not very often
(it seems most of my friends think I'm quite aloof)
(I am, but I am not)
But it is difficult for me to realize when I'm doing it.

There are times when I hate beating around the bush
Like...
Two people walking to a door...that can only fit one person at a time.
Instead of doing that awkward thing where you glance at each other
as both of you kind of speed up
and the winner is whoever gets there first and does the silent "yes!"
I'd rather be like
"Look, clearly one of us can fit through here. I could be a jackass and just run, or I could let you go first because you have a baby carriage, Go on"
Or even so much as I'll just wait for them to go first.
Most of the time people just look at me like
"Wait, we're not racing?"
No.
No we're not.
I don't care that much
(besides, you'd eat my dust)
(Bitch.)

But there are times when this approach can be seen as
...invasive, or too abrupt.

So I refrain, because I must.
Which of course leads me to doubting my actions
Which leads to the perpetual cycle that goes on in my head
That I can't seem to get away from until
I'm sitting here at 5 in the morning
Trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Eventually I know it all pans itself out
And it's just a matter of time and patience.

But y'know
sometimes we hate to be patient.
We want it here
and we want it now.
But that's not how it is.
Not all the time anyway.

Impulsive, foolish, rash
These are all things commonly associated with people's (stupid) actions
Because we just don't want to wait.

But we have to.
Why?
Because pizza takes time to cook, duh.
Unless you want to be sick.