never cheap.

So here's the skinny
I recently got a tattoo.

It was a tough decision to make.
I am proud of myself for getting said tattoo
but also still kinda freaking out about it.
I mean, it is a permanent thing.

But, I've begun to realize something.
I heal very quickly.
The tattoo itself is not completely healed yet, as it should not be
But It just served as a fair reminder that I do infact heal rather quickly.

I look at it, on my arm and I am hit with the fact
that I will probably have to get it touched up more frequently than other people.
My body may infact heal it completely at some point if left alone.
That's wild.

I don't know why my body is this way, it's always been that way.
My wounds don't itch, scabs don't itch, and usually i forget that the wound is even there at all.
The only exception to this is the one I have on my knee from when I was about 7ish.
I scraped my knee trying to slide into 1st base
Literally, not like trying to make out with another elementary school student.
I was on a baseball team.
I remember because I had on kneepads.
Look, my mother was extremely overprotective
But apparently these kneepads did nothing.
I remember the feeling on the skin being peeled off and the splotch of blood on the inside of the pad
I remember being both fascinated and disgusted by this
And I was curious to see just how the wound would heal.
Come to think of it, that's the only time I've ever picked at a scab.
Over time it healed up but I couldn't stop messing with the scab.
Eventually I was left with a patch of blotchy skin.
Then something else happened, can't remember what, but it busted the wound right back open
It never healed correctly the 2nd time.


Anyway, somewhere along the timeline I realized that a lot of my healing comes internally.
Some call it faith, some call it spiritual healing, I don't really know or care what it's called
But I understand how it works for me.
My body wants to heal itself, it then tells me the best ways to do it.
Sometimes I don't always agree
Sometimes I pretend that I'm not listening
And when I do it that way, I don't heal as fast.

A very simple example.
I have stomach aches sometimes.
Probably because I ate something I knew I shouldn't
Or sometimes it's stress.
And since I spend so much time thinking of food and how to nourish myself
It makes sense to me that one of the most deeply affected areas would be my stomach.

It's a Chakra I believe.
I don't really know that much about Chakras
Not sure if I want to learn
But I can appreciate what they represent.

Anyway, when I get these stomach upsets
or my chakras are out of line
my generally tells me what I need to set it back in balance.
Sometimes I don't know, that may be because I have not yet experienced the food item
and my body is thus craving something it doesn't yet know.

Sometimes its very predictable.
Generally if I've had a sucky night of drinking (e.g. something involving Jager)
I wake up with some form of a hangover.
This hangover is cured not with a Bloody Mary, not another shot of jager (hair o'th'dog)
not tylenol, not water, not any general remedy.
No no, my body will, and I promise you I'm not lying
require a Meatball Sub from Subway.
Every fucking time.

I know what you're thinking "really, subway? Gross"
To that I say who cares, I like their food.
Something about that very specific combination makes my stomach feel just right.
Yes it's a comfort food, I know.
But comfort goes a long way in healing. A very long way.

Which leads me to this conclusion:

I want to study Tai Chi and Reiki healing.
Both of those.
I feel like the movements of Tai Chi will better help me center myself
And as a lazy Taoist, it would really help me get back to where I need to be.

Reiki is a japanese form of spirit healing.
It breaks down
"Rei" meaning universal, spirit, soul, life.
"Ki" meaning energy.
So, yea.

I would also like to take a look into just traditional massage methods.
Massage therapy and whatnot.

I feel like combined, those 3 would make something epic.
Not sure what
Just something epic.

Also, it just sounds cool.
It sounds mystical.
I like mystical.
Not Mystikal...well, okay, he wasn't too bad either.

Danger!
Get on the floor!

The problem I have with these is that it takes being taught.
It takes time and money.
And I'm like
really?
I gotta get charged to learn how to heal myself?
That's fucked up.
What happened to apprenticeships?


And so the search for what I should be doing continues.

I.F.U.

So
I don't normally do this
Well really, I don't normally do anything,
Except getting up and getting dressed.
But
I didn't sleep well last night

Very lustful dreams.

I have to write this
because if I don't
it'll just stay bottled up
and it'll get worse in time.
Can't talk to anyone about it
because
well, I guess I've abused that privilege one too many times.

So yesterday, I'm at my bar, chillin, doin the poker thing.
I know I'm relatively attractive but I wasn't really looking for anyone
Saw one possibly cute girl, didn't really look like my type so I just shrugged it off
She ends up sitting next to me
Queen of the trash talkers.
I love it.
Of course I do, I love trash talk
But only when it's quality.
I'm dealing cards, she's talking mess
I talk back.
Nothing new
But she's a vulgar one
Curses like a homeless alky
I can only smile
It's fun
It's harmless
I'm having a good time
Terrible cards, but a great time.
We go back and forth over every hand
I don't know why
I start shit, she finishes
She starts shit, I finish it
every hand.
People are starting to wonder how long we've known each other
We've just met.
She's cute. Cuter than I thought she was
Got a little speech impediment, maybe a slight lisp? I don't know
But there's more than just rap music going in that head
Military? Didn't see that coming
No wonder she's got that mouth.
Ah but she's not staying for long
That sucks.
Just a travelin woman.
I realize,
I kinda like this chick.
She calls me a cocksucker
I say go sit on a dick and spin
She says she will, later tonight
guy from across the table mutters "lucky guy"
Bathroom break
She left her phone
Oh, there's a half naked dude on there
Damn, guess that guy is lucky.
Ah well.
Still, the shit talking is fun

Break time
Stretch
She gets up
other guy at the table
'man, she's something else eh?'
'Yea, but she won't shut up'
She can play though
Yes, because she's really gifted at talking shit
No man I mean really, look at the cards, she can play
Maybe.

Hands played
Table breaks apart
I go one way, she goes the other.
That was fun
But now lets actually play poker.

...Doesn't work.
Free drinks.
I'm out.
Damn.
Losers table?
Maybe

Oh she's out too
We're talking
she's had a few too many free jager shots
but just can't let the last whiskey drink go
'I paid for it already' she says
I have to smile
That's dedication right there.
Dedication and foolishness
Right up my alley.

She shares a story about the last time she had so much jager
almost sounds like a venture into poly
but
not in a great way.

She brags about her assets
and by assets I mean body
she breaks niggas
I say that's not hard, niggas are always broke anyway
no, she says and gyrates her hips
she breaks niggas.
Oh, heh, right.

She talks about sexual escapades
I'm just enjoying it
laughing
little embarrassed but clearly intrigued
She's got the goods
I say she's got a nice body
touch the curves
the outline
Oh yes, she's got the goods.

A naked picture.
Wait, what? A naked picture?
No faces, she says
never send the faces.
That way they don't know if its really her
But it is.
One quick glance up and down and you already know
It's her.
There's more
More of the goodies
The special spots
But she can't show me those.
Not yet.
Damn.

She likes dick.
Clearly.
not a lesbian, she says
but I can tell if a bitch is bad
How'd we get from literate to ghetto?
Playful hits
but she hits to win.
None too bad
one gutshot that I have to brush off
but she's gotta go.

...does she?

She's a little rough
I like that.
More than I realize
She's not dainty.
And she really likes it rough.

'You ever coming back?'
'Maybe.'

A hug
Then a bear hug
I will not be outdone.
Still talkin shit
but her ass feels great.
Smack. That. Shit.
Twice.

...What?
Even the waitress asks me
So are you taking her home?
Maaaaaan do I want to.
Do I ever.
She says lets wrestle
Seriously?
Damn.

And this, this is where I did the wrong thing:
I thought.

I thought
'is she joking? She's gotta be'
I thought
'what am i doing?'
I thought
'why am i not doing this?'
I thought
'what's going to happen?'
I thought
'should I...?'
I thought.

I thought, dammit.
I thought.
Why
I don't know.
I still, don't know.

She's gone
I leave
Parking lot
Sitting in my car
...what was her name?

Damn.

Choose

I was on OKCupid
browsing profiles, answering random questions
and I came across a question that actually stopped me.
Not because it was insensitive, or gross or stupid or anything like that
But because it was the most thought provoking question I'd been asked in a really long time.

"If you had to choose one for the rest of your life, which would you pick?"
1- "Monogamy?"
2- "An open relationship?"
3- "Polyamory?"
4- "Playing the field?"

----

It really stunned me. For multiple reasons
One, I didn't think I'd ever come across that question
Two, how am I gonna answer that?

My initial response was Monogamy
Which shouldn't be a surprise in any way whatsoever.
That's how we're raised. I've covered this in a previous post
And to be fair, part of me still wants a monogamous relationship.
So of course I began questioning myself
and the nature of my polyamorous relationship
Am I doing the right thing?
What am I doing?
How am I supposed to feel?
I mean, I'm already in a polyamorous relationship
Shouldn't I be used to it by now?
Why was monogamy my first answer?
Have I been doing something wrong?
I don't know how to answer this question
What do I do?


But then I read the question again
The important part of it really caught my eye

"...for the rest of your life..."

And
with that, a whole world of answers popped in my head.
The rest of my life is either a very short, or very long time
Either way, it's still a life.
And at some point in that life
I will fall in love with someone else
And I want to know that whether it's tomorrow, next week, or a decade from now
That I can have my marriage not go to hell over a basic animal instinct.
I love my wife, with all the love I can possibly give her, and then some.
She's not going anywhere, neither am I.
We're in this shit for the long haul.
I don't want to lose that.
I may not know how to make all the right decisions
I may not know how to do everything I want
But I'm not stupid enough to let this woman walk out of my life.
So yes, I would rather be an adult about my relationships
I would rather acknowledge that yes, we will both be attracted to other people
for other reasons
and no, that doesn't mean we don't love each other
I would rather acknowledge that yes, I will love my wife more
for understanding that we are human and we need love
sometimes we are oh so lonely and we need more than just one person to share that with
I would rather know that I can have more than one person in my life to show me how special I am, to make love to, to share life experiences with, to...live.
I'd rather be honest and open about how I feel
and know that it'll be okay
than to sneak around behind her back and destroy her trust in me.

Relationships happen. they happen every goddamn day.
You don't know who you'll be attracted to, or even why sometimes.
But that's a part of life
Denying that is denying well...life.
Not to be misunderstood, it's perfectly fine to have monogamous relationships
I just want people to acknowledge that there's also nothing wrong
with finding beauty in other places.
Not everyone is gonna act on those impulses
And that's fine.
But don't deny that you're human, that you're an animal
That you lust, that you desire, that you want, that you love
that you find new connections in unexpected places
Don't deny yourself this.

I accept that one day I'll find others that tickle my fancy
I look forward to finding others that I can share my life with.

But mostly I am at peace knowing that its okay to be polyamorous.

searching

I don't have a plan.
I've never had a plan.

Not because plans don't work
but because my plans don't work.

I am often told that I don't succeed at what i do
Because I don't put 100% of myself out there to do it.
This is probably true.
I rarely put 100% of myself into anything
I'm not even sure what that means.

I guess it's being completely committed to your cause or whatever
And that's fine. I can completely understand that.
There are some things out there that I just know that I want
And I'm going to get those things.
For example, I'm going to start doing some homebrewing soon
Mostly because it's a passive hobby.
You do your main work on like one day
And then you let it sit for some time
Ferment
Check on it once a day or so
But mostly you just let it be.
And with a schedule like mine,
being able to have a fresh batch of homemade booze
at the end of the week would just be awesome.
My point is, there is no discussion in that.
I want to learn more about homebrewing so I will.
I've been drinking since I was a wee little lad
And I will continue to drink until I'm a bitter old man
(I mean an actual 70 year old bitter man, not the crotchety s.o.b. you currently know so well)
It seems like a very natural transition to me
I've had so many, now I want to know how it's done
So I can create my own masterpiece.

To be fair though, I'm not really that good at creating
I just love to experiment
At least, with booze anyway

Again, the point is
This is something I consider to be fact.
It's non-negotiable
It will happen.

Other things in my life however are not that concrete to me
For some reason people fail to understand this.
If I knew what it was I was supposed to be doing
I wouldn't be asking you about it
If I had a concrete anything, you'd better believe I'd figure out how to make it work.
But I don't.

I don't have a plan.
I don't know what's next.
I don't even have a hint, a clue, nothing really.

I live believing there are infinite possibilities
As long as those possibilities exist
There's never a definitive answer
And if there's no definitive answer
Then to me, it's not the right choice.

Again, what i said before, the homebrewing hobby
There are no other possibilities to me.
I may be stalled for some time for whatever reason
But at some point in time, I will complete this task.
It is something that I aim to do.

If that makes sense, great
If it doesn't...well, I'll never get it to make sense.
The closest thing I can say is this:
Life comes at me
Yes, I sit back and I wait for things to happen
Because that is how life happens to me

I live by this quotation:
"My Job:
It's not my place to run the train, the whistle I can't blow.
It's not my place to say how far the train's allowed to go.
It's not my place to shoot off steam, nor even clang the bell.
But let the damn thing jump the track...and see who catches hell"

The only thing I'm absolutely certain of in this life is that shit goes awry.
If I take risk, it was predetermined
If I am fortunate, it was foreseeable
If I want to truly understand something, I have to wait and see.