Endlessly

This is ridiculous.
I'm up at damn near 5 in the morning.
I've been up for an hour.

Why?

Because there's an enormous amount of tension in my body.
Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep like that.

What kind of tension?

Some of it is sexual, sure.
Some of it is back pain from work
Some of it is because I can't wipe these images from my head
and that is causing me to be jilted awake
every 40 minutes or so.

The thing is, half of me doesn't want to erase these images
They...assist me
But they also drive me crazy.

It's like dreaming about a hot pizza or a sandwich or something.
Part of you wants to continue to think about how marvelous the pizza is
The other part of you just wants to get up and eat.
And there's a whole other part that says
"It's 4 in the fucking morning, go back to sleep"

Supposing of course that you've decided you're going to have the pizza
It's just a question of whether or not you continue to tease yourself
(thus making the pizza even better)
or to just sate your urges and be done with it.

It's another thing entirely if you dream of the pizza
Know that you're going to have it
But also know the store isn't open at 4 in the morning
so you have to wait until it does.

How do you function?
On the one hand, you're dead set on it
On the other hand, you have no choice but to wait.
And so you sit
Restless.
Waiting.
On some form of edge
And you might be irritable.
Depends on the time of day.

I used an example of food
But I suppose a more appropriate example
would be sex.
Sex is much more tempting than a pizza
(Even if you're under the influence)
You can't think about sex all night
and then not do something about it.

It drives you crazy.
Hormones are the hardest partying motherfuckers out there.
Once they get started
You're screwed
(And you probably want to be)

But you can't just tell them to go away.
Because they won't.
They don't give a good goddamn how you feel.

So what do you do?
Masturbate?
If it is purely sexual urges, that might help.
But there are no guarantees.
Nothing takes the place of sex...except sex.
Nothing replaces intimacy except intimacy.

These are only made worse by thinking about the times
You let opportunity knock while you fiddled with the remote to the TV.

So now
You just suffer.
And you wait.
And it makes you awake at 4 in the morning
Writing posts
about why the fuck you're up
at 4 in the damn morning.

I digress.

Now that I've let that out
Its time to take a look at myself through my actions.

I find myself in a situation
Where I have the ability
To make things happen.
But I fear
many things.
Or rather
I feared many things.
I don't fear as much now

But I do fear
that feeling will return.

Which would suck.

I realize, perpetually
That I'm rather sensitive.
Not like a sixth sense or anything
But rather, as my friend used to put it
I'm "soft like ice cream".
I'd like to think I've at least frozen up a bit more
Maybe got some frostbite or something
But I'm still pretty soft.

That is to say
I spend time thinking
and worrying
About making sure everyone else is comfortable
That I don't cross someone else's borders
That I be respectful and thoughtful.
And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
There's a difference between being respectful
And being a doormat.
Respectful is inviting someone into your house
Being a doormat...is well, being a damn doormat.
You should never let people walk on or over you
That is not okay.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Friends, Lovers, Parents.
No one.
That's detrimental to one's self-image.
And lord knows that's the last thing people need in this day and age.

My...condition, as it were
Often leads me to bouts of inaction
or passive action.
Both things I need to work on, yes I'm aware.
(I'm getting better about it)
(Albeit slowly)

The best thing you can do
Is admitting that you even have issues.
From there it's a battle, sure
But you're not going in there blind
And that's important.

My inaction often arises
out of a desire to...
...how do you say...
keep a distance.

I feel like I can have a tendency
To be a bit...much sometimes.
Not very often
(it seems most of my friends think I'm quite aloof)
(I am, but I am not)
But it is difficult for me to realize when I'm doing it.

There are times when I hate beating around the bush
Like...
Two people walking to a door...that can only fit one person at a time.
Instead of doing that awkward thing where you glance at each other
as both of you kind of speed up
and the winner is whoever gets there first and does the silent "yes!"
I'd rather be like
"Look, clearly one of us can fit through here. I could be a jackass and just run, or I could let you go first because you have a baby carriage, Go on"
Or even so much as I'll just wait for them to go first.
Most of the time people just look at me like
"Wait, we're not racing?"
No.
No we're not.
I don't care that much
(besides, you'd eat my dust)
(Bitch.)

But there are times when this approach can be seen as
...invasive, or too abrupt.

So I refrain, because I must.
Which of course leads me to doubting my actions
Which leads to the perpetual cycle that goes on in my head
That I can't seem to get away from until
I'm sitting here at 5 in the morning
Trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Eventually I know it all pans itself out
And it's just a matter of time and patience.

But y'know
sometimes we hate to be patient.
We want it here
and we want it now.
But that's not how it is.
Not all the time anyway.

Impulsive, foolish, rash
These are all things commonly associated with people's (stupid) actions
Because we just don't want to wait.

But we have to.
Why?
Because pizza takes time to cook, duh.
Unless you want to be sick.

Dig

Therapy.

Why not?

What's wrong with therapy?

It's not like it's bad
It's helped a lot of people.
Some people go to marriage counselors
Some people seek therapy to deal with problems
And it's better that they do.
Consider all the things that happen if they don't.
So again I ask, what's wrong with therapy?

Firstly, you ask yourself
"Well why do I need it?"
And if you actually find an answer
(or if someone tells you one)
You move to the next step.

Do I need therapy?
No.
I don't need anything except water, air and nourishment.
And that's only to function.
I don't need it
but I am considering it.

But why?
Is there something wrong with me?
Not particularly
Not that I'm aware of
Then, why?
Because I think I need it.

These are the questions I have been asking myself
And these are the answers that I have given.
Therapy is seen as an objective, sometimes professional view
on your situations in life
or whatever it is that you choose to discuss.

I suppose like anyone else
I have my misgivings
I mean
It's still for "crazy people" right?
Isn't that what we all think?

Except of course the people that have actually been.

I have been to therapy once
It was a while ago
My mother thought I should meet one.
Probably because I was acting out or something
I don't really recall.

What happened, you ask?
Well, my therapist had some choice words with my mother
(and yes, he was totally on my side)
And we didn't go back.

I always wondered about that
I never asked her though
Maybe someday I will.

I do feel sad about it.
I feel like it's admitting a weakness
partially
which in turn
hurts my pride.

But y'know
my pride gets hurt a lot
for one reason or another
and its usually my fault.

I am just human
You're just human
we're all just people
and we all just want to be understood.


...and we're all looking for answers.

Poems...possibly angsty.

I ran out of pages in my journal.
I need a new one.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this one.
Toss it in a book pile somewhere?
But
before I do
I will share
the (possibly angsty) "poems"
I have written
from my book.

-----------------
These tears that
I swear aren't mine
come from a place that
I don't know.
But I feel the weight
in my chest
The scorching warmth
in my eyes

I don't know why they
chose me
why through
my face must they fall

It is through them that
I feel sadness
my solitude and my fears


But I did not call them here.

-----------------
This is not my book
I'm sorry I took it
I'm sorry I need it
I'm sorry I don't know what to say.

This isn't my book
But these are my words
My feelings, my confusion
my stream of consciousness.

Forgive me.
------------------
(This one even I consider angsty)

I am a monster
a demon
a child of wrath & scorn

I am a man
a sinner
a tool of work & toil

I am a boy
alone
and I'm afraid of the night

I am a twist
a swirl
a blend of wrong and right

I am unknown to myself
But still a whole part
A mystery, an enigma
But one I can't live without.
--------------
(Continued angsty)

I speak to myself
I speak for my regret
I speak of my wrongs
I speak to forget

What am I?
Who am I?
What have I become?

Am I a man?
Or a monster?
Or have the two become one?

Hate me, scorn me
Beat me, kick me, shove me.
Burn me, cut me
But don't tell me that you love me.
-----------------
(I gave you fair warning
It's almost over
This one I don't find angsty at all)

I've seen
so many
beautiful women
today.

I've seen
so many things
to make
my heart sway

I saw a girl
that I thought left before
But as I watched
her leave 5 stops later
I thought
What was I waiting for?

She had
all the right
features
long hair
pretty fingers

And she walked
with a sway
that said fun
beyond bleachers

So I wish
I had spoken
Instead of sitting
here now
Writing out
all these feelings

At a bar
rather dim
on a small
piece of paper
Are the words
never told
to my friends
or to strangers

Just this book showing me
That unless I learn to act
That I will always be carrying
it around
in my back.

-----------
(Last one, I promise)

Caught in my daytime reverie
I remember you there with me
As we sat on grey step benches
with open fields and baseball fences

I remember the way you smiled
And I wanted to stay there awhile
In that place where we once roamed
so very far away from home

I remember you taught card tricks
and I knew, but to shy to ask
But then again you taught me anyway.
[unfinished]

------------

That's it.
Painful to read, I'm sure.
But
I told myself I would no longer be ashamed of my writing.
I have to let it live.
And so I will.
And I will continue to write
(soon as a find a new book)
And hope that it gets better.

strings

There is something
on the tip of my mind
the tip of my tongue
the tip of...my penis?
Well, that could be lint.
I digress.

I often scour the internet when I'm feeling particularly
puzzled
about polyamory
and what it means
what it means to me
what it means to Baby
what it means to That Guy.
What it means to people.
In general.

I take a look at both positive and negative views
And see how I feel
See if I can...how you say, relate.
I do, and I don't.
Like everyone else.
No one's story is ever the same.
And I am not different
but I am...different.

I read Laurell K. Hamilton's books
about Anita Blake
the Vampire Hunter
Not just because it's about Vampires and Shapeshifters
and the Preternatual.
(Yes, I had to look that word up too.)
Or because it's a bit erotic sometimes
(read: anything past book 8(?), and you're just waiting for it)
But also because
the main character, Anita Blake
is involved with a lot of different men
Trying to...and dealing with these new relationships
and old ones.
How they change, how the grow, or how they fail.
I find it very interesting, intriguing if you will
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't looking for answers of my own.
But that's why I continue to read.
Sometimes I find new understanding
Sometimes I'm left feeling upset
and sometimes I'm just downright confused.
(Which I often am, so it's really not all that different)

But there are times, as I said when I scour the internet
to find my answers
or to help me ask the questions I need
for the answers I already have.
I cannot yet say if my reactions are positive or negative
Because truly, it is a blend of both and neither.
It's a very rugged, twisting, sliding, scary, yet exhilarating path
to self discovery.
What have I discovered?
I don't know.
I'm still finding out.
Perhaps I'll always be finding out.
Perhaps I'll never find out.
But the point of a journey is to get somewhere.
Now what you do along the way,
That's something completely different.

I find that in looking for...stories, or guidance
I seem to run into more articles written by women
Moreover...women with a very similar attitude.
Which isn't a bad thing
Just leaves me with more questions
...for myself.
I mean, I'm grateful to learn how some people may think of these things
But I for one
feel as though
as I said
I am different.

I searched facebook for a poly group
and found one
read an article or two
learned some new things
but then
I looked at the wall
And people spoke of hookups
(which is expected)
and joining other groups to make it
...more...accessible to the public?

And I realize in looking at this
That I don't care about that.
I find that in searching for answers in groups
or gatherings
I am often deeply uninterested in what the crowd has to say
I'm often looking for an answer
or at least
a good story.

I want to find what it is that I'm searching for.
What am I searching for?
Understanding.
Not so much understanding of other people
Because everyone is entitled to their own actions
I have no problems with that
(as long as you learn to accept your responsibilities)
But
I'm searching for understanding
within my self.
Accepting
within my self.

Surely
there are times when I feel alone in it.
But that's the path I chose to walk.
Because
for the most part
I really don't care what else is going on
I came for a purpose
I will leave with a purpose.
I just forget
that I am not designed to be alone always.

So what do I do?
I continue.
I don't have to like it.
I may learn to someday
but I don't have to.
And the choice is what makes it important.

I am also searching
for a different relationship of my own
But as I've said in previous posts
I'm not entirely sure what that means.
So I have difficulty.
I'm aware (vaguely) that it has to do with following your feelings
or your...attraction, your heart or whatever you want to call it.
But as I said in parenthesis
It's very vague to me.

I do not know how to woo
to seduce
or even how to flirt really.
Not that I particularly care to.
But I am interested in learning.

For everytime
she takes a phone call
and I will myself to leave the room
I must find
something
to do.

And this is where my problem lies.
Not within the actions
not within those involved
but within
myself.
I
must find
something
to do.

I am angry.

Last Night
I talked
Not for hours
But consecutive minutes, sure.
I spoke of feelings
Thoughts
Streams of consciousness
And shallow things on the top of my head
I awoke this morning
With seething hatred
Well, not seething
but a hatred to be sure.

"What kind of man allows his woman to take another lover?"
A question I've asked myself a million times
and apparently a million times more.
To this I still have no answer.
A foolish man?
A wise man?
A naive man?
A man trying to fit into a mold?
A man trying to understand his place?
A man that doesn't know much?
An ignorant man?
A happy man?
Or just a confused one?
Again
No answers.

I feel so much...resentment and bitterness
Because
it's slow-boiling.
If it were just once or twice
I could live
But it continues to...thrive
to fester deep within me
growing with each passing day
like an ulcer, a cancer
a sickeness
What is my cure?
What is my illness?
What am I doing?
I don't know.

"Do you think you need to talk to a therapist?"
she asks.
No.
I feel like that has nothing to do with anything.
I feel like I should be able to talk to
the person whose job...no, whose obligation? No, that's not it either
Whose...responsibi...no that's not right
It's no one's duty in life to listen to me.
But some people do have that choice.

I have a lot of anger
perhaps misguided
misdirected even
at the Other.
We know this
It is proven and documented fact.
But consistently I am faced with the question of
"Am I wrong?"
With no answers.
No...clue.
So I tunnel deeper within my own psyche
to unravel myself
and post new definitions of things
so I don't have to feel so bad.

But I do feel bad.
To say anything else would be a lie.
I feel quite bad
On days that I think about it.
On days that apparently I walk in on the wrong conversations.
On days when I am forced to question my own living habits.
Just how much privacy is required for two people?
For one person?
and again
Am I wrong?
Am I a fool?
Or have a stumbled onto something great
with myself holding me back
from understanding?

Of course I have my misgivings
Maybe I need a change in perspective
Maybe I just need more time
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about
Maybe I'm a fool
Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills

But I know that I'm bitter.
I'm bitter in general
because I strongly dislike people.
I can't say this is helping that opinion by the way.

I don't know where I need to be
I don't know what I need to be
I don't know when I need to be
I don't know anything
except the pit of feelings that stirs
Particularly if I see
Things.
I leave Things loosely defined
because thinking about it makes me sad.

Sometimes it comes back to me
and I think of how I feel about myself
Its not always negative
Not always positive
Not always neutral either.
But I also feel independent of myself sometimes
as if my shadow and I split in two
and I could stand next to my own image
Who's the real me?
What are we both thinking?
If I look up will he?
Will he because he's my shadow
My image
or Will he because he knows to look?

I don't even know who I'm mad at.
Me?
You?
Him?
Them?
All? Probably.

Never the two shall mix.

Oil and Water,
Oil and Water.
Never the two shall mix.

I've been sitting on this little ditty for a couple of days now.
While it may not actually be a song
(I honestly haven't a clue if it is)
I feel like it is
And that's what counts.

The origins of this lie in a conversation I had with my
...well sometimes I really don't know what to call her.
Which is of course part of my problem, but we'll go into that another time.
Let's use Significant Other for the time being
(I don't particularly care for that phrase, it sounds too formal)
I can't use Lover for reasons I did not choose
Nor can I use Girlfriend
I haven't a marriage license neither, so I can't say Wife.
Mate? Better Half? I really don't have a word for it right now
Perhaps one day, but not today.

Also before I continue, I was experimenting with Gin a few moments ago
It's such a difficult taste to place.
I have an affinity to sweet things
And Gin is most certainly not sweet.
I've always seen it as the bitterness in say, a Long Island.
Sure there are people that drink Proper Martinis
(Yes I did capitalize that, Vodka Martinis don't seem as...genuine to me)
But I am not one of those people.
Point is, Gin is hard to match in taste.
It has a very peppery taste, and it lingers with you.
Yes, yes, I know, -proper- Gin should do no such thing
But guess what? I'm broke
So I have the cheap shit.
I think it takes a bit of creativity to make cheap shit not taste bad.
Anyway, I'm sitting here now with my drink.
I'm still working on it
As I'm not entirely sure of the taste
But I don't feel the battering ram of Gin in my mouth as I sip,
That is most certainly an improvement.

Regular/Plastic Tumbler Cup/Glass
Fill with Ice
3/4 oz - Gin
3/4 oz - Triple Sec
Fill with Strawberry Soda

Something about the strawberry negates the fiery pepper in my mouth.
I don't particularly care to eat strawberries, but I enjoy strawberry flavored things...sometimes.
It has a bit of an awkward taste to me, but I guess that's why this works.
Or maybe it doesn't...I'll see when I sober up a bit.

Where was I?
Ah, right, Oil and Water.
Because lately, if you couldn't already tell, I've been feeling a bit depressed
I've been trying to nail down exactly why that is
But I doubt I'll ever actually figure it out
But it doesn't hurt to try.
I was talking to my SO, also known as Baby
And against my better judgement I found myself talking about our relationship
Or rather...the Polyamorous aspect of our relationship.
The more I think about it, the more I realize it doesn't ever actually go away.
I'm always going to be thinking about it one way or another.
Still battling myself and my thoughts and feelings.
Still beating myself up (sometimes unnecessarily)
Still trying to figure everything out.
There is no easy way through this for me
There's no book of answers that I can turn to
Hell, there's really no one I feel I can talk to about it most times.
Not because I don't feel people will listen
But rather because I don't feel its worth mentioning to anyone.
Yes, even to you Baby (I know you read this)
I refuse to take time out of someone else's day to figure my own shit out.
That is not acceptable.
Now, before I get upset, let me continue from before.

Amongst the other things we discussed, at some point the thought crossed my mind to ask her
"What is he to you?"
She took some time to think about it
Then gave me an answer.
The analogy she used that I feel best describes it
Is that he and I are like Oil and Water
He, being the oil
I, being the water.

I thought about this for a while, holding on to it
I don't want to let it slip, it feels like such a good...explanation.
There's much meaning behind it to me and probably to her as well.
Oil and Water are different yet oddly similar.
They are both fluid, both real, both adapting and changing to fit the space they are in
But also very very different.
Oil is flammable, dangerous, and versatile
Water is soothing, essential and endless.
She also talked of us being similar to that of Chaos and Order
Chaos is ever changing, ever unsure, ever alluring
Order is structured, safe, and just...there.
Two opposite sides of a coin
But both are there
They exist independently of each other
But they are both means of existence.

A very, grand, broad way of describing it, yes
But without going into so many details
I find it to be a very interesting analogy.
I can certainly see why both sides would have their ups and downs
And certainly the allure of having both.
After all, would you rather have:
A bonfire,
A cold shower,
Or a warm jacuzzi?

I won't deny that I have mixed feelings about it.
While it is a good explanation, that doesn't mean I don't still have not-so-nice thoughts lurking around.
Really, I just don't know what to think sometimes.
Or most times.
I can't say that I'm lost
But rather that I'm wading through mud and I don't see a way out of the marsh
It does exist, yes
It is ahead of me, yes
But I haven't the slightest damn clue how long it's going to take to get there.
And sometimes I really do just want to give up
Anyone would.
It's heavy, it's thick and it doesn't want to let up.
I guess I forget that I'm supposed to be looking for little things
Like a clearing, or a patch of sunlight.
It gets hard to think about these things when you're heavy all the time.
It's no one's fault though.
I make the decisions I do.
This is my life, after all.

...It's not as heavy as it used to be though.

Murakami

I moved
And I work more
That's why.
Well, that's part of the reason why.
I never know what to do to change my place in the world sometimes.
I don't write because I don't feel anything worth writing about.
I don't update statuses because I don't feel its anything worth updating
And apparently I don't type correctly anymore
It took me like a whole minute to spell "statuses" correctly
(Hah! only 10 seconds that time)

it's not that i don't know how to spell the word
my fingers just didn't want to respond correctly.
Much like now, I've been making a hideous amount of spelling mistakes
For no apparent reason.

What was I talking about?
Nothing of consequence I'm sure.
Not that it should be of consequence
People take shit way to seriously
Like all the time
But
Lets not get into that
I have been filled with seething rage for people in the last few weeks
And this is not the place to air all of my frustrations.

Murakami is a great writer.
Everyone says I don't read
Or rather I can't read
Because it's true
I can't
I find myself unable to get through most books
I fall asleep, I read the same lines over and over again
It's just...uninteresting to me
But
Murakami's novels completely throw that out of the window
I don't know why
They just do.
Maybe it's the subtle sex that he throws in there
maybe its the obvious...well, I don't know whats obvious
He's just good.

I'm not here to polish his balls or anything
I just got done taking a shit
and I happened to be reading his book while doing so
So it's the last thing on my mind.

Unless of course, you'd rather I talk about my shit.
I doubt that
I don't even wanna talk about my shit
It's...shit.
Poo.
Fecal Matter.
Movement of my bowels.
We get the point.
Junkman's Daughter even has a book about it
It's called "Everybody Poops"
Original, yes?
(Fantastic Read, bee tee dub)

I am interested in Twitter.
I don't know why.
I find myself compelled to try all the social networks
The thing is
I really can't stand people though.
I don't get it myself
I work at a job where I am required to meet new people every single day
And to make it worse, they get to treat me however they want
(Mostly)
Yet
I keep going back.
I don't particularly understand why people are so fond of me
Well, that may be a lie
I know exactly why people are fond of me
Because I feed you the bullshit you want to hear.
Because I know you
And you know I know you.
Because I at least pretend to listen
Because I'm a genuinely nice guy.

But I really hate you.
Maybe not you specifically
You might have traits that I like
Or maybe you don't
You're never quite sure
But I'm still a nice guy.

I could've sworn I said this wasn't the place for this little excerpt
But apparently it is.
I don't know.

I've been feeling a lot of self-doubt lately
A loss of self
and a general depression
Not entirely sure why
(I can tell it's depression because my libido is fucked up)
(It's sad when you have to make yourself masturbate)

Life gets like that sometimes.
Not entirely sure what to do about.
Not sure if there's something I can do about it.
Then again, I'm never really sure of anything
So it's not entirely different.

I won't say that things will work out for the best
I will say however that things will work out.
Because they do.

So as I sit here inevitably pushing myself deeper into Alcoholism
(I really wish people would stop giving it a bad reputation)
(I wear the title of "Alcoholic" proudly because to me it represents someone
that simply enjoys the consumption and taste of various forms of alcohol)
(Like a Foodie, only with less fetishism)
I do the normal
Pondering my existence, questioning the meaning of life, so on and so forth
And this will undoubtedly reflect here because this is where I go when I feel like writing.
So we'll see.
I'm sure I'll update within the next few days
And then probably not for weeks.
Probably.