Seagulls

Metaphorically
I've been watching seagulls.

That is to say
I've been watching them fly around in circles
Initially it was quite soothing.

I am a man of the sea
...no, not a sailor
But water plays an integral part of my lifestyle.
Without it, I am...lost.

So the seagulls have been a sort of compliment to the ocean view.
Except I realized that my feet were not in water.
In fact, there are no lakes, rivers, or hell, even ponds where I live
And those birds weren't seagulls
They were pidgeons.

Which of course brought me to a few realizations:
1) What have I been doing?
2) Where's my water?
3) Did I really just have an illusion?
4) I must be lost.
5) What have I been missing?

I've been caught up in extreme melancholy
A time period so...bland that I've become milquetoast.

Working where I do
I see hundreds of new faces
Everyday.
Hundreds, thousands even
And they're all the same to me.
Which really saddens me.
The people...they're never different.
The same types rotate in and out of the place
Down to the work force.
There's no...variety
No...diversity
Not even a well...I don't know what to call it
I feel in every place there should be that one person that makes you say
"What the fuck?" at least once a day.
Just to keep things interesting.
Here? No such thing.
The predictability of it all was and still is wearing me down

I'm finally able to open my eyes a little bit
which is a relief in some ways
but part of me also feels that dragging feeling
that knows my eyes are going to get heavy again.

I suppose one of the best ways to describe it is to take a line from a Jealousy Curve song
entitled "Lazy Days"

"Well these lazy days, they teach a lesson here
My motivation's gone, and the fucking TV
it runs on and on
I can't find a single thing to do
To make this all less ordinary"

While I continue contemplating what else I'd like to express
For now lets take a look at the poly side of my life.

For the first time in probably quite sometime
I'm actually disappointed in myself for not acquiring someone's number.

You see...facial expression is important to me
and by important I'm pretty sure that means it's a turn on
Or rather, control of the facial expressions is a turn on
Something about the ability to do things with eyebrows,
the slightly mischievous curve of a lip
It's so...intriguing to me
Strangely enough moreso because I can do it too.
I am a sucker for it and it has lead to some...unlikeable situations for me
But, I still acknowledge it as something that interests me.
But I'm digressing.

Long story short, I did end up hanging out with these two chicks
and I thought we were having good conversation
amidst everything else that was going on
Ideally having both numbers would've been nice
But there came a point where I didn't want to be
...how do say...
too forward?

I suppose I must just take the L for that one.
Its a rotten shame though
I think that may have been the first time I actually wanted a fling
as opposed to say, a longer relationship
It was...enlightening in a way.

That was also the first time I could've gotten more than one number at once
...that's always exciting.

The operative word here however is "could've"
So we chalk this one up to the
"could've, would've, should've" category
and watch it tumble down the well of obscurity.

I have always been afraid to "pull the trigger"
for one reason or another
Most of it is fear-related
But there does come a point
(usually when I'm drunk)
That I feel it's just that time
And I'm willing to give something a shot

Why is it that in my sobriety
I become so...closed to the world?
In my sobriety the world really, really sucks
In my inebriation the world still sucks, but I don't give a damn about it.
In my sobriety...and as I'm typing this it's making me think about writing a song
...I do what needs to be done regardless of time and effort
in my inebriation the little things are easier to find.
It's a perplexing world
While sober I am a man of serious intentions (except when I'm at home)
taking care of all kinds of business, being responsible, enjoying the breeze
When I've had a few drinks it becomes incredibly easy for me to find
that little extra piece of awesome in the day.
Hell, I even cook better while drunk.

And I know, being drunk everyday is a testament to the true alcoholic
but it does make things fun y'know?
I suppose there's a key to doing it in moderation
Yea, I've gone to work buzzed a few times
Who hasn't?
Sometimes you need that little extra awesome in your day.

It's early morning
I rise early, yes
But rarely this early.

I mean
Yes this post is at 7:30 in the morning
but I've been up since about 5.

I know why this is
But it doesn't stop me from being up.

I have things I need to do
I have things that are getting complex
and complex things irk me.

That, and I haven't really been online much recently
There are lots of news articles and whatnot
for me to catch up on.

Why?
Because there's no need for me to be online
I'm not that connected to any online community anymore.

Truthfully I'm not really connected to any community.

That's not to say I don't have contacts and acquaintances
I just get to them in due time.

but who cares, really?
Which is the point I suppose.
I think to some degree we all feel the need to justify our whereabouts
Even if we're speaking to no one in particular.

We want to feel like we belong
That somewhere out there in the world someone is listening
Or watching

Yet at the same time
I would feel incredibly creeped out if I thought someone was watching my every move.

Then again I suppose that's what they created Twitter for.
(Incidentally, yes I am on twitter.)

Sure, you can choose to tell everyone that you're taking a shit
Or buying groceries
Or flinging a hamster off a bridge
Or giving yourself a stranger
or any variety of other things

And people can choose to listen and respond
Or they can just ignore your shit and move on with their lives.
(The latter option is a very common response)

How is it that we can want to express almost every part of our lives
And still feel weirded out about doing it?

Who would create something like that?

It's like...with sex.
We all want to do it
It feels good and natural
But there are so many drawbacks
Like
Inherent flaws
in people.

You can be really kind to your neighbors
but a complete dick to your waiter
or retail associate.

my inevitable conclusion
is that people don't make any fucking sense.
They never have
and probably never will.

I suppose it's one of many things
that makes humans separate from the rest of the functional world
But I mean
Why?

Why are people like this?
Why are people so...people?
How can we be so brilliant and so incredibly fucked up?
So lucky and full of potential, yet so incredibly naive and ignorant?

Who the fuck would create something like that?

I don't know
I'm ranting.
I apologize.

My thoughts are scattered today.
Once again I find myself waiting
But in this waiting I am forced to dwell on my thoughts.

I have not taken pen to paper in a while
Nor have I finished changing my guitar strings
So I have some anxiety built up.
Some sense of accomplishment that's gone unfulfilled
And yes, it is frustrating.

I have also neglected cleaning
Which I should probably be doing instead of writing this post
But no post is unneeded.

...(U(*@#URJH!I@!@$O(!@& U)*(JI

...Fin.

Por qué

Because I am a fool.
Because you are a fool.
Because we are human.
Because we make mistakes.
Because we forgive.
Because we don't want to let go.
Because we are afraid.
Because I
just don't know
how to do
what I need to do.

Because there are so many things to say
Because there's never enough time
Because it's unpoetic
Because it sounds needy
Because we need excuses.
Because I care.
Because you don't.
Because we know
Because we have no idea.

Because we must learn
Because we must grow
Because we must move on
Because we have no choice.

Because of pain
Because of joy
Because of anger
Because of sadness
Because the pursuit of happiness, is still just a pursuit.

Because we can never know what to want
Because we never have all the answers
Because we have no guides
Because we are alone.

Because I can't
Because you can
Because I should
Because you did.

Because is an excuse
Because is an escape
Because is just because
Because is a word.

Because I am human
Because I have faults
Because I am naive
Because I don't know.

Because we wish for so many things
Because sometimes we get them
Because sometimes we get nothing
Because belief is a strong motivator
Because belief is incredibly stupid
Because you are rash
Because you are impulsive
Because you are full of passion
Because you love.

Because we feel
Because it hurts
Because we don't want it to
Because it's going to anyway.

Because it's unmanly
Because it's not ladylike
Because you're a grownup
Because you're not that old.

Because it's never enough
Because sometimes it's too damn much
Because there are too many reasons to say
Because.

Endlessly

This is ridiculous.
I'm up at damn near 5 in the morning.
I've been up for an hour.

Why?

Because there's an enormous amount of tension in my body.
Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep like that.

What kind of tension?

Some of it is sexual, sure.
Some of it is back pain from work
Some of it is because I can't wipe these images from my head
and that is causing me to be jilted awake
every 40 minutes or so.

The thing is, half of me doesn't want to erase these images
They...assist me
But they also drive me crazy.

It's like dreaming about a hot pizza or a sandwich or something.
Part of you wants to continue to think about how marvelous the pizza is
The other part of you just wants to get up and eat.
And there's a whole other part that says
"It's 4 in the fucking morning, go back to sleep"

Supposing of course that you've decided you're going to have the pizza
It's just a question of whether or not you continue to tease yourself
(thus making the pizza even better)
or to just sate your urges and be done with it.

It's another thing entirely if you dream of the pizza
Know that you're going to have it
But also know the store isn't open at 4 in the morning
so you have to wait until it does.

How do you function?
On the one hand, you're dead set on it
On the other hand, you have no choice but to wait.
And so you sit
Restless.
Waiting.
On some form of edge
And you might be irritable.
Depends on the time of day.

I used an example of food
But I suppose a more appropriate example
would be sex.
Sex is much more tempting than a pizza
(Even if you're under the influence)
You can't think about sex all night
and then not do something about it.

It drives you crazy.
Hormones are the hardest partying motherfuckers out there.
Once they get started
You're screwed
(And you probably want to be)

But you can't just tell them to go away.
Because they won't.
They don't give a good goddamn how you feel.

So what do you do?
Masturbate?
If it is purely sexual urges, that might help.
But there are no guarantees.
Nothing takes the place of sex...except sex.
Nothing replaces intimacy except intimacy.

These are only made worse by thinking about the times
You let opportunity knock while you fiddled with the remote to the TV.

So now
You just suffer.
And you wait.
And it makes you awake at 4 in the morning
Writing posts
about why the fuck you're up
at 4 in the damn morning.

I digress.

Now that I've let that out
Its time to take a look at myself through my actions.

I find myself in a situation
Where I have the ability
To make things happen.
But I fear
many things.
Or rather
I feared many things.
I don't fear as much now

But I do fear
that feeling will return.

Which would suck.

I realize, perpetually
That I'm rather sensitive.
Not like a sixth sense or anything
But rather, as my friend used to put it
I'm "soft like ice cream".
I'd like to think I've at least frozen up a bit more
Maybe got some frostbite or something
But I'm still pretty soft.

That is to say
I spend time thinking
and worrying
About making sure everyone else is comfortable
That I don't cross someone else's borders
That I be respectful and thoughtful.
And while there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
There's a difference between being respectful
And being a doormat.
Respectful is inviting someone into your house
Being a doormat...is well, being a damn doormat.
You should never let people walk on or over you
That is not okay.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Friends, Lovers, Parents.
No one.
That's detrimental to one's self-image.
And lord knows that's the last thing people need in this day and age.

My...condition, as it were
Often leads me to bouts of inaction
or passive action.
Both things I need to work on, yes I'm aware.
(I'm getting better about it)
(Albeit slowly)

The best thing you can do
Is admitting that you even have issues.
From there it's a battle, sure
But you're not going in there blind
And that's important.

My inaction often arises
out of a desire to...
...how do you say...
keep a distance.

I feel like I can have a tendency
To be a bit...much sometimes.
Not very often
(it seems most of my friends think I'm quite aloof)
(I am, but I am not)
But it is difficult for me to realize when I'm doing it.

There are times when I hate beating around the bush
Like...
Two people walking to a door...that can only fit one person at a time.
Instead of doing that awkward thing where you glance at each other
as both of you kind of speed up
and the winner is whoever gets there first and does the silent "yes!"
I'd rather be like
"Look, clearly one of us can fit through here. I could be a jackass and just run, or I could let you go first because you have a baby carriage, Go on"
Or even so much as I'll just wait for them to go first.
Most of the time people just look at me like
"Wait, we're not racing?"
No.
No we're not.
I don't care that much
(besides, you'd eat my dust)
(Bitch.)

But there are times when this approach can be seen as
...invasive, or too abrupt.

So I refrain, because I must.
Which of course leads me to doubting my actions
Which leads to the perpetual cycle that goes on in my head
That I can't seem to get away from until
I'm sitting here at 5 in the morning
Trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Eventually I know it all pans itself out
And it's just a matter of time and patience.

But y'know
sometimes we hate to be patient.
We want it here
and we want it now.
But that's not how it is.
Not all the time anyway.

Impulsive, foolish, rash
These are all things commonly associated with people's (stupid) actions
Because we just don't want to wait.

But we have to.
Why?
Because pizza takes time to cook, duh.
Unless you want to be sick.

Dig

Therapy.

Why not?

What's wrong with therapy?

It's not like it's bad
It's helped a lot of people.
Some people go to marriage counselors
Some people seek therapy to deal with problems
And it's better that they do.
Consider all the things that happen if they don't.
So again I ask, what's wrong with therapy?

Firstly, you ask yourself
"Well why do I need it?"
And if you actually find an answer
(or if someone tells you one)
You move to the next step.

Do I need therapy?
No.
I don't need anything except water, air and nourishment.
And that's only to function.
I don't need it
but I am considering it.

But why?
Is there something wrong with me?
Not particularly
Not that I'm aware of
Then, why?
Because I think I need it.

These are the questions I have been asking myself
And these are the answers that I have given.
Therapy is seen as an objective, sometimes professional view
on your situations in life
or whatever it is that you choose to discuss.

I suppose like anyone else
I have my misgivings
I mean
It's still for "crazy people" right?
Isn't that what we all think?

Except of course the people that have actually been.

I have been to therapy once
It was a while ago
My mother thought I should meet one.
Probably because I was acting out or something
I don't really recall.

What happened, you ask?
Well, my therapist had some choice words with my mother
(and yes, he was totally on my side)
And we didn't go back.

I always wondered about that
I never asked her though
Maybe someday I will.

I do feel sad about it.
I feel like it's admitting a weakness
partially
which in turn
hurts my pride.

But y'know
my pride gets hurt a lot
for one reason or another
and its usually my fault.

I am just human
You're just human
we're all just people
and we all just want to be understood.


...and we're all looking for answers.

Poems...possibly angsty.

I ran out of pages in my journal.
I need a new one.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this one.
Toss it in a book pile somewhere?
But
before I do
I will share
the (possibly angsty) "poems"
I have written
from my book.

-----------------
These tears that
I swear aren't mine
come from a place that
I don't know.
But I feel the weight
in my chest
The scorching warmth
in my eyes

I don't know why they
chose me
why through
my face must they fall

It is through them that
I feel sadness
my solitude and my fears


But I did not call them here.

-----------------
This is not my book
I'm sorry I took it
I'm sorry I need it
I'm sorry I don't know what to say.

This isn't my book
But these are my words
My feelings, my confusion
my stream of consciousness.

Forgive me.
------------------
(This one even I consider angsty)

I am a monster
a demon
a child of wrath & scorn

I am a man
a sinner
a tool of work & toil

I am a boy
alone
and I'm afraid of the night

I am a twist
a swirl
a blend of wrong and right

I am unknown to myself
But still a whole part
A mystery, an enigma
But one I can't live without.
--------------
(Continued angsty)

I speak to myself
I speak for my regret
I speak of my wrongs
I speak to forget

What am I?
Who am I?
What have I become?

Am I a man?
Or a monster?
Or have the two become one?

Hate me, scorn me
Beat me, kick me, shove me.
Burn me, cut me
But don't tell me that you love me.
-----------------
(I gave you fair warning
It's almost over
This one I don't find angsty at all)

I've seen
so many
beautiful women
today.

I've seen
so many things
to make
my heart sway

I saw a girl
that I thought left before
But as I watched
her leave 5 stops later
I thought
What was I waiting for?

She had
all the right
features
long hair
pretty fingers

And she walked
with a sway
that said fun
beyond bleachers

So I wish
I had spoken
Instead of sitting
here now
Writing out
all these feelings

At a bar
rather dim
on a small
piece of paper
Are the words
never told
to my friends
or to strangers

Just this book showing me
That unless I learn to act
That I will always be carrying
it around
in my back.

-----------
(Last one, I promise)

Caught in my daytime reverie
I remember you there with me
As we sat on grey step benches
with open fields and baseball fences

I remember the way you smiled
And I wanted to stay there awhile
In that place where we once roamed
so very far away from home

I remember you taught card tricks
and I knew, but to shy to ask
But then again you taught me anyway.
[unfinished]

------------

That's it.
Painful to read, I'm sure.
But
I told myself I would no longer be ashamed of my writing.
I have to let it live.
And so I will.
And I will continue to write
(soon as a find a new book)
And hope that it gets better.

strings

There is something
on the tip of my mind
the tip of my tongue
the tip of...my penis?
Well, that could be lint.
I digress.

I often scour the internet when I'm feeling particularly
puzzled
about polyamory
and what it means
what it means to me
what it means to Baby
what it means to That Guy.
What it means to people.
In general.

I take a look at both positive and negative views
And see how I feel
See if I can...how you say, relate.
I do, and I don't.
Like everyone else.
No one's story is ever the same.
And I am not different
but I am...different.

I read Laurell K. Hamilton's books
about Anita Blake
the Vampire Hunter
Not just because it's about Vampires and Shapeshifters
and the Preternatual.
(Yes, I had to look that word up too.)
Or because it's a bit erotic sometimes
(read: anything past book 8(?), and you're just waiting for it)
But also because
the main character, Anita Blake
is involved with a lot of different men
Trying to...and dealing with these new relationships
and old ones.
How they change, how the grow, or how they fail.
I find it very interesting, intriguing if you will
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't looking for answers of my own.
But that's why I continue to read.
Sometimes I find new understanding
Sometimes I'm left feeling upset
and sometimes I'm just downright confused.
(Which I often am, so it's really not all that different)

But there are times, as I said when I scour the internet
to find my answers
or to help me ask the questions I need
for the answers I already have.
I cannot yet say if my reactions are positive or negative
Because truly, it is a blend of both and neither.
It's a very rugged, twisting, sliding, scary, yet exhilarating path
to self discovery.
What have I discovered?
I don't know.
I'm still finding out.
Perhaps I'll always be finding out.
Perhaps I'll never find out.
But the point of a journey is to get somewhere.
Now what you do along the way,
That's something completely different.

I find that in looking for...stories, or guidance
I seem to run into more articles written by women
Moreover...women with a very similar attitude.
Which isn't a bad thing
Just leaves me with more questions
...for myself.
I mean, I'm grateful to learn how some people may think of these things
But I for one
feel as though
as I said
I am different.

I searched facebook for a poly group
and found one
read an article or two
learned some new things
but then
I looked at the wall
And people spoke of hookups
(which is expected)
and joining other groups to make it
...more...accessible to the public?

And I realize in looking at this
That I don't care about that.
I find that in searching for answers in groups
or gatherings
I am often deeply uninterested in what the crowd has to say
I'm often looking for an answer
or at least
a good story.

I want to find what it is that I'm searching for.
What am I searching for?
Understanding.
Not so much understanding of other people
Because everyone is entitled to their own actions
I have no problems with that
(as long as you learn to accept your responsibilities)
But
I'm searching for understanding
within my self.
Accepting
within my self.

Surely
there are times when I feel alone in it.
But that's the path I chose to walk.
Because
for the most part
I really don't care what else is going on
I came for a purpose
I will leave with a purpose.
I just forget
that I am not designed to be alone always.

So what do I do?
I continue.
I don't have to like it.
I may learn to someday
but I don't have to.
And the choice is what makes it important.

I am also searching
for a different relationship of my own
But as I've said in previous posts
I'm not entirely sure what that means.
So I have difficulty.
I'm aware (vaguely) that it has to do with following your feelings
or your...attraction, your heart or whatever you want to call it.
But as I said in parenthesis
It's very vague to me.

I do not know how to woo
to seduce
or even how to flirt really.
Not that I particularly care to.
But I am interested in learning.

For everytime
she takes a phone call
and I will myself to leave the room
I must find
something
to do.

And this is where my problem lies.
Not within the actions
not within those involved
but within
myself.
I
must find
something
to do.