Confoundit

I've been upset quite a bit recently.
For various reasons
And sometimes I write them down here
Annoyances if you will.
Things that irk the living crap out of you.
And it's not that you don't have the discipline to deal with it
Because that's exactly what you're doing
You're just tired of it.

I say "you"
But obviously I'm talking about myself here
You are irrelevant
...right now.
...and most other times

(I kid.)

I know I've made it obvious that we all have to do things in life
things that we like
things that we hate
things we don't give a shit about
things that don't give a shit about us
But things we have to do anyway.
And that's all fine and dandy.
Everyone knows they have to do things
They might not always know why
But they know they have to do things.
...mostly.

But what is it that makes something enjoyable
Or even...doable
...with less fuss?
Annoyance?
Problems?
People?
All of the above?
Yes.

Lets take something...simple
Like paying rent.
(Obviously I have a problem with this, which is why I'm using it as an example)
(Not really clever, I know, but who cares.)

I pay rent
I do.
I'm a dutiful tenant
and I like staying on the goodside of the person that owns the property.
...for the most part.
I don't understand why someone wouldn't pay rent
It seems like more hassle than it's worth really.
I get tired of people knocking on my door for pretty much anything
If they did it everyday? Oh we'd have issues.

I bring this up
Because where I live now
I have a habit of being asked or told that rent is needed
and it needs to be paid.

...well no shit.
cause clearly
I didn't know that.
I wasn't aware that after living in the same place for a year
I'd have to pay money
like I did last month
and the month before that
and the month after this one.

...I mean really
How many times do you have to tell someone something
-If- they've already been doing it.
I can understand repeating things to someone who doesn't ever seem to do
what it is they need to do
but I mean...really.

Now I could just be being petty
I know it's an obligation
that I need to blah blah blah blah
Who gives a shit.
I know what I have to do
Stop.
Just
Stop saying it.
You're annoying.
Just
Stop.
STOP.

Jesus.

This is why I used to throw my phone across the room.
Because of people
and the incessant noise.
Chatter chatter, bitch bitch bitch, cry, moan, whomp whomp.
I don't need it
I don't need to hear it
I don't want to
So stop.

...People talk too damn much.

Now I know
This is a bit...unusual for me
Anger isn't one of my favorite traits
Nor is bitchiness
But
Truth be told
I am an asshole and a good natured person at heart.
Just because
...It suits me.

The moral of todays story
If there is indeed one at all.
Is
...nothing.

I've got nothing
I don't know why people pester people
I don't know why the same things get asked over and over and over again
(until you want to break someone's face)
I've never known
and it's always annoyed the living shit out of me.

...but I'm wrong to ignore people
Which is something I don't understand.
If you don't like something
Or the situation
Or a certain person
You can't control that
What you can control is your reaction.
You don't have to get mad
Or throw chairs
Or curse them out
(although that's admittedly funnier)
You can remove yourself from the situation
Until you've calmed down
Or
until it stops being so...hectic.
But leave too long
And people get offended.

Why?
I don't know.
People are weird.

So
To all of us out there dealing with the same shit
Every fucking day
the nagging, the naysayers, the parents, the bullies
Whatever motherfucker it happens to be
I say
Shut it.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
I'm not dealing with it.
...Not right now, and not that way.
I don't care.

...
wow that was angry.
I don't think it suits me very well
or maybe it does
maybe I spend so much time avoiding anger because I know it so well.
Interesting thoughts.
But I am only human.
I'm still learning to deal with things.

...just on my own time
and my own watch
and in my own way.

...that's all you've got really.
You take what you make of it.
...and that's all I have to say about that.

Fear.

I'm faced with some decisions
...lately
not just right now
It's been a couple of months actually
I just tend not to think about them all the time
Because it makes my stomach feel...
...empty.

It's fear.
I know it is
And it...well, it sucks.
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the negative
Fear of....failure.
It's a lot of different things
But when it comes down to it
I'm just afraid.
Scared, even.

Why?
Because I'm human
And one of my natural impulses is to stay put
Where I know how to deal with things
But
Apparently I don't know how to deal with things
If I feel a change is in order.
It's a weird cycle.

I know I need to move
I don't need to pay so much money to live in a room
When I could be living somewhere nicer
...in an apartment.
I mean really...
...in this economy?
I know I need to get in school
Because I'm broke
and I can't afford $800 loan payments
(for a school that I hated.)
There are a lot of things that I need to do
That need to be done
That need to be dealt with.
But I'm stuck.
Paralyzed with fear.

Why?
I don't know.
What do I have to lose?
Really?
Nothing.
If I'm declined
I move along.
Or...
Maybe that's why I'm scared
I want so bad for something to happen
That if it doesn't
I'd feel crushed.
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated.
...it's a bit melodramatic, sure
But we all feel this way at some point or another.

So what do you do to deal with fear?
You can't really shun it
"I don't believe in fear"
...that doesn't really work for me.
Hell
I'm scared of bugs
Yea that's right
I said it
I'm scared of bugs.
So sue me.

...does that stop me from dealing with (read: killing) them?
No.
It startles me sometimes
But I still have to get the job done.

...have to.
There's a novel concept.
"Have To"
...
We do things in life because we Have To.
It's that simple.
Because we must
In order to live
to survive
to...be happy?
...in the long run, I suppose.

But
We Have To.
We eat...because We Have To
We drink...because We Have To
We shit...because We Have To.
We have sex...because it feels good...I mean...because We Have To (reproduce)
It's a daunting thing
A looming presence
A foreshadowing monster
That's always there
Always pressing
Pushing your nerves
Bustin' your chops
Forcing you to strive.

It's a compelling argument
...not initially though
But it always makes its way through
Always.
...Always.

Which makes you think
What is fear
Other than a means of distraction
From what you Have To do?
Interesting thoughts.
What purpose does it serve
Other than to stifle your progress?
It doesn't seem very beneficial
Unless you count the supposed Courage
that one acquires from "conquering" their fears
The affirmation that you could in fact complete your task
The affirmation that you are in fact a strong-willed person
The affirmation that fear was irrelevant.

...I don't know
That's too deep for me.
Let's keep it on the basic level.
Fear = bad.

that's pretty much it.
And now
Despite the heavy chains that seem to be weighing down my body
I have to call someone
...see
there it goes again
"Have To".

...damn.

Insomnia.

I can't sleep.
I'm aware that this is a growing problem in this generation.
With all these kids on Ritalin, Adderall, and various anti-depressants and whatnot.
Trust me
Adderall ain't no joke.
Like many misguided teenagers, I've had my run of various drugs
And Adderall was probably one I shouldn't have taken
But, curiosity gets to the best of us I suppose.
Would you like to hear about it?
I'm sure you would.

I had a friend some years ago
Well, we're still good friends
I just don't know if he ever found out
Well, anyway
He had some adderall pills
and his dad had a liquor cabinet
Not really a good combination for a reckless teenager.
I had no idea what adderall did, but I figured it was worth popping a couple
I mean, a pill's a pill, right?
I'd knocked back like 9 tylenol capsules just to be drowsy some nights
I lived through that
What could be worse?
Well.
Adderall is an amphetamine.
I have no idea what that means
I do know that it made me severely fucked up.
At first I just took one.
Nothing.
So I took another.
Still nothing.
No immediate effects, nothing gone wrong
So I figured my dosage must've been too low.
I took two more.
That's when the fun started.
I began to feel...focused.
Very very...focused.
I can't really describe what I was thinking at that point
Mostly because I don't think I was thinking at that point.
The only thing I became focused on was the video game on the screen
(It was God of War on God mode, by the way...also not a good combination.
There's nothing worse than being focused on something you can't beat, but won't ever give up on)
At some point I got up to pee
(I still don't remember exactly when)
And I decided
Hell, if that's what two more pills did
I wonder what two -more- pills would do
So I took them.
Yes...I took no less than 6 adderall pills within a 3 hour period.
Not one of my wisest choices
But I guess we have to learn things the hard way.

I'm not very good with descriptions
But just imagine...being focused on something
Focused to hard that you can't quit even if you want to
Quitting itself doesn't even cross your mind
There is no quit
There is no finish
It just goes on and on and on
Focused on one thing
With super intensity.
Forgoing hunger, sleepiness, thirst and awareness of your surroundings
To be
Completely
There.

That's all there is.

Just being there
And doing that task.

Now, in some branches of religion
That might not necessarily be a bad thing
But you have to eat at some point, right?
Not on adderall you don't.
Your body is like "food? f-o-o-d? I've never heard of this, Shut Up and get back to work."
It's not very nice about it.

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night
Or the night after that.
In fact, I almost blacked out trying to wash some clothes later that day
That was very interesting...

We ordered pizza
And I couldn't touch it
Like...I couldn't even eat a sausage
My jaw hurt.
My face hurt.
My body hurt.
My mind hurt.
I hurt.

...that, and my stomach felt like it was being devoured by its own acid for about a week and half.
Like I said...not one of my wisest choices.


...
Why'd I bring up this story?
No real reason, of course.
I just found myself unable to sleep this morning.
And my insomnia sometimes causes me to reminisce.
Let's not misunderstand now
I don't suffer from insomnia often
Just usually when I have a guilty conscience, stress, or too much caffeine.
You know, the usual things.

...
What was learned?
Don't take 6 adderall pills in a row
Obviously.
Sometimes you just have to experiment.
That's just how it is.
You'll never know if you never try.

Now you've got to be saying
"You damn near killed yourself, why would you do that?"
Because I was curious.
Curiosity is in our nature.
There's no point avoiding it
It's who we are
It's what we do.
To a fault, yes.
Nonetheless, it is what it means to be human
Or even an animal
Just to be a sentient being capable of thought
Provokes curiosity.

And like I said
You'll never know the answers
If you never experiment.
...and you won't always be smart about it.

Caguama.

Sometimes
I look at this blog
And have this moment where I feel...
...burdened.
If that's the word.
A sort of...obligation if you will
Like this an object on the never ending "To-Do" list.
I guess it sort of is.
If I didn't make myself write
I'd probably never do it.
And it's important to
Because I said so.
Whatever sense that makes.

Obligations
We have them
We don't want them.
Well...sometimes we do
But only for a limited time
Only when its...convenient.
Which is against the very nature of an obligation.
They're never...convenient.
They just...are.
And they must be dealt with.
Why?
Because we have to.
Why?
Because we must.
Why?
Because there's nothing else.

It's that simple
If we didn't have obligations then we'd have nothing at all
No structure
No core
No sense of being
...in some senses.

People think to that to be free of obligations it what it means
to be free.
But is that true?
If you don't have anything to do
Don't you wish you did?
And when you do
...aren't you glad?
Just a little.
A smidgeon.
A bit.
Yes.

I know I need things to do
It gives me a sense of purpose
A sense of...being alive if you will
A sense of belonging.
And that is something you can't just buy at the store.
Well...maybe you can, I haven't really looked that hard.
I don't really look hard for much.
It's one of my...better...yet worse qualities.
It's funny how those exist, no?
Best and Worst qualities...that are exactly the same.
Makes you wonder.
Life makes you wonder.
People make you wonder.
Wondering...makes you wonder
...sometimes.

What was I saying?
I don't even know.
I think I have to go do something.
I'm sure I do.
I'm sure you do too.

Walking on graves.

Wasps.
I fucking hate them.

I'm aware that it's unusual of me to be so...
...vocal.
But I do
I hate wasps with passion.
For that matter, I dislike most bugs.
They crawl everywhere
Unexpected
Unannounced
Unseen
Untouched
Invasive
Demanding
Stealing
Pestering.

All of these things.
Yet...they're also a part of nature.
So...
Can I really hate them?
...yes, yes I can.
It's a personal thing.
Insects make my skin crawl with unease
Like the feeling of someone walking on your grave.
I tend to spasm from time to time
And become slightly nauseated.

Why?
Why do I react that way?
I don't really know.
Honestly, most bugs aren't that harmful
Just...invasive.
...extremely invasive.
Bee stings aren't really comparable to say...kidney stones
But they still sting like a bitch.
Unexpectedly.

And why?
Because the bee feels you're encroaching on its territory
...-you- are encroaching on -its- territory.
...What?
Are you serious?

Why all the territorial issues anyway
To raise a family safely?
Could I argue that I'm attempting to do the same thing
And they are in fact encroaching upon my territory?
Is it self-defense?
Or is it selfishness?

Why am I so concerned?
Bees are bees
Birds are birds
Dogs are dogs
People are people.

Yet...we do not live in harmony.
And who is to blame?
We both desire peace and solitude
Yet...we have no means to reach said agreement.
Surely there is more to this than Attack or Be Attacked.
Is that the real name of the game?
Miscommunication leads to such things.
So how does one overcome it?
Or do you at all?

If I continue to let a wasps nest fester
I will be in danger
If I destroy the nest
The eggs are in danger
...

It just doesn't seem right.
But I do know this
If I get stung, I'd be really really fucking pissed.

...Or Death and All His Friends.

Coldplay has a new album.
Not that you care
But I do.

"Viva La Vida"
is a wonderful song in my opinion
Though I may not understand all of it
I find it...endearing (if that's the word, if not...then it doesn't matter anyway)
whenever I hear the line
"...but that was when I ruled the world."

That is just...an incredible concept.
Maybe I'm weird
Scratch that, I am weird.
But
Be damned if I didn't used to rule the world.
Whether it be in another dimension or another time
I ruled the world.
And it was glorious.

Imagine if you did used to rule the world
But now you're reincarnated as someone else
Living your everyday life
But deep in your heart
You are King.
(Or Queen.)

I think we all feel that way at some point or another
And why not?
What's wrong with that.
I mean, granted we can't all be kings at once
there'd be no one left to rule.
But, time spans over eternity
I'm sure it's possible.
Because I said so.

I'll be honest
That song inspires me.
Not to try and become king
(...In this economy?!)
but to write a song.
See...I play guitar...sort of.
Been playing for a year now (mostly)
I'm sure this is not a surprise
And if it is, you must not get out much.
But I fear I lack the inspirational and creative qualities that make music great.
I know I know
Music isn't about greatness
It's about expressing emotion
Or
As someone once said

"The Guitar is the human soul sending a messge through only six strings..."
-Eddie (BECK - Mongolian Chop Squad, Anime)

Whether or not you believe that is completely up to you.
But to create such music
Such...melody
Such harmony
Is beyond me
Or at least, that's how I feel.

If someday I could harness half of what I feel
Half of what I hear
Half of what I taste
Half of what I touch
Then maybe...

Hmm.

This ended up more as a rant than prolific sayings.
Which...is acceptable, I suppose.
Who's checking, honestly.

"Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world."

Pain.

I have an ingrown hair.
It hurts.
It is painful.

It's not that I can't handle pain
We all have a certain amount of pain to deal with in life.
Whether it be disappointment or getting punched in the eye
Pain is pain
There is no escaping it
Only accepting it.

Shit is going to happen
That's just the way it is
The sooner you come to grips with that
The less likely you'll be to complain about it later.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to complain
I'm just saying that no one wants to hear it.
As if we all don't have enough problems as it is.

An ingrown hair
How inconvenient
It's unbearably painful at times
But I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned here
what that lesson is...well, that has yet to be determined.

So what do I do?
Do I pop it?
Do I let it continue to age?
Do I just wait until it naturally heals itself?
Who is to say?
Which is the right action?
I don't know
Do you?

The universe is large, weird, and unknown
Maybe this hair has a purpose in my life
maybe it has something to teach me
I doubt it, of course
but one must always keep an open mind
always.

Seriously
Open minds are the gateway to anything.
Enlightenment, Knowledge, Self-Cleansing
Open minds are the key to it all.
Including Sexuality
But of course
Another topic for another day.

So how does one deal with pain?
Through anger?
Through sadness and grief?
Through ignorance?
Through stupidity?
Who is to say?
Mayhaps it's a combination of different things
Or maybe it's just focusing on something else until the pain goes away.
In the end, it's really up to you.
Do you deal with pain, or do you try to ignore it?

...is that a wise decision?