bj

Was it love or was it lust?
That's the question that's been plaguing me for most of the day.
Or was it anything at all?

Yes, it was something
of that I am to some degree certain.
Naturally, I doubt myself
but who doesn't?

I doubt myself often because I have some deep need to punish myself
Lord only knows why.
Seriously
I have some serious masochistic tendencies
I abuse the shit out of my emotions
For no good reason.

Rather, there is a reason
I know that pain
I embrace that pain
That pain is something I know I can trust in
It sounds incredibly stupid
to be fair, it is incredibly stupid
But that's just how I am.

So was it love or was it lust?
Is it passion, or was it just a burst of feeling?
A lingering feeling.
A feeling that bothers me sometimes
when I'm minding my own business.
Am I dwelling?
Yes.
Am I brooding?
Possibly, I have been known to do it on many occasions.

But why think about it?
Why now?
Could've been that book
Or maybe its just the time for it.

Because I want to -know-.
I want to be certain.
I can't go off of percentages
75% isn't enough.
I need to know

But do I really?
Is this any different than times before?
I don't know.
Is it my sheer foolishness?
Most likely.
Then what am I doing?
I haven't the slightest clue.
What should I do?
That's a hell of a good question.

What will I do?
Only time can tell.

What happened there?

Why did it happen?

Questions.
They never stop
The never cease
They do pause sometimes
and I have a period of respite

But they come back
with the same fervor.

And they always seem to go unanswered.

But I am a child of obsession
a creature of habit
a masochistic miser
and I just
keep
going.

Which moments are those we choose to hold dear to us?
Are they love, or are they lust?

Leepa Chai

Yes, I did watch Pootie Tang today
No, I don't know why I enjoy that movie so much
I just do.

Yes, I have been saying those silly phrases all day
No, I don't really know what they mean
But it's fun.

That being said

Lately I feel like someone out of a Murakami novel
Which is to say
Ordinary.

The thing I love about Murakami's characters is that they are mostly
completely normal.
I mean, yes they are strange in their own ways
But believable ways.
Everyone has quirks right? Of course.
But what better way to relate someone than to show those quirks?
But of course we all have chores and errands and business to take care of
Sometimes it's something more...public like paying rent
or sometimes it's something less talked about like masturbation.
The point is, we all do it, and it's a very relative thing.

In Murakami's novels, you have these very normal people
Doing semi-normal, but believable things
When something slightly less than normal turns into something far from normal.
Which I find incredibly interesting.
I love how he takes simple slight strange acts and turns them into a gripping mystery.

For example, in "Dance Dance Dance", the protagonist is just some guy
that does a lot of busy work. Nothing too specific, he just does the job he's paid for
Is it hard? Not particularly
Is it tedious? Sure, if you let it be
Could he do something else? Absolutely
But he doesn't
He does what he does because he's efficient at it
Because he's been doing it for a while
And he knows how to get it done.
See? Ordinary.
No extra riskiness, no extra catch
Just like a dude shoveling snow.

There's this woman that he lived with
For a good time he didn't know her name
Or some such thing
But one day she just up and left
No note, no goodbye, nothing.
Just left.

First a day, then a week, then a month and so forth
No words, no letters, nothing.
She was just gone.

Still alive, yes.
But not there.

Strange, but not unheard of
This then progresses into what turns out to be a sort of strange chasing game.
And with each step of the chase something new is unfolded
He finds himself in places he never thought he'd be
doing things that he wasn't sure he ever had time for
or the nuts to do
And it continues to evolve the story, and the protagonist.

Something unordinary turned into something strange
Murakami's work is...riveting to me, in case you couldn't tell.

But that's how I feel
Very...ordinary.
Which is particularly odd to me
Because I'm not particularly ordinary.
I'm normal, sure
But not ordinary.
Not extraordinary
Not some kind of special
Just not...ordinary.
I'm not mediocre, milquetoast or melancholy.
Yet I feel that's the direction of my life right now

This confuses me.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be searching for something
or if something is searching for me
I don't know if I'm supposed to express myself
or let the expression come through me.
I don't know if I'm supposed to know
Or if the knowledge will come to me
I feel...not stuck, but not moving either
There aren't very good words to describe it
Yet, I have all the words in the dictionary.

In love, in life, I don't know if I'm supposed to search
Or what it is I'm supposed to be searching for.

Lately I've been trying to understand the so called...
Spark
that comes between attracted people.
To me the sparks are different
Which is to say, i can find a woman very attractive
and desire her on that level
yet i don't feel any pull that's different than any other beautiful woman
Is that my fault?
Is it because I'm unreceptive?
Or is it because there just isn't a special spark there?
What is a special spark?
Would I know it if it were there?

It's like being in a room full of doors
How do you know which one to pick?
Intuition?
Logic?
Process of elimination?
All of the above?
None of the above?
How does anyone know?

So I find myself looking towards the "sparks" in my life that have had some kind of impact on me
I find that they aren't sparks at all
But rather some force or spacial differentiation that I have no idea of
I don't have a spark with my wife
I have a bond-thing
It's something I've never questioned
Because it doesn't need to be questioned.
It answers itself
Or rather it produces no unnecessary answers.

So I look elsewhere.
Unfortunately, diving into this elsewhere
leads me down roads I'd rather not go.
For one reason or another.

So I sit here, tired.
Thinking
Not thinking
Doing
Doing nothing
Pursuing
Waiting for nothing at all
Wondering

I can't find words
I never can
My thoughts go too fast
Like pictures without captions.
Whole worlds of thought and possiblity
passed through impulses in my brain
before I can blink

Yet, it seems like forever
Inside my head there are millions of endless strings of conscienceness
or consciencelessness
And nothing I can do to stop them
or express them in the right words

I actually find my own mouth to be a handicap
And while typing is nice
it just doesn't move fast enough.

There is a stairway
leading to a room
but the steps are hollow
each click of a heel
sends echos spiraling into the darkness below

But where does it lead?
Where did it come from?
And why am I here?

Scooter

I went to the pool the other day
Finally.
I swear it's been like 3 years
since I've even seen water in one place like that.
It was fun
A bit over-chlorinated
But hey
If I worked at a public pool, I'd do that shit to.
People are dirty man.

And even if they're not
Their kids are.

No offense to children
they can't really help it.

"Aw the little baby pooped in the pool"

That shit ain't cute
That's disgusting.
I don't care if its the next poster child for Gerber
Poop is poop dammit.

Anyway
Wherever I go
I still smell chlorinated water.
I don't know why this is.
Does my body miss the pool?
Or did I just forget to wash a towel?
It's confusing.

I think I might start a new series of posts
Based on the things I hear at work
and the things that make me shake my head at my girlfriend.
We'll see how this turns out.

In other news
I'm pretty sure I've decided on my tattoo placement
now its just a matter of text-style
and places to get it done.

But why get a tattoo?
It's not different.
It's not unusual.
It's not unique.

You're right, it's not.
Sometimes I do things that aren't unusual.
That's unusual for me.
Therefore it counts.

Cocktail Madness...the prologue

Once again I find myself exploring booze.
What can I say, it's a pastime
...an awesome pastime.

Anyway, I got my hands on this (not-so-great-tasting)
Malt Beverage
It's called Four-Loko.

Due to the alcoholic content in this malt beverage
(12.0% abv)
(the average beer is like 5.0%)
There's been some controversy over certain places selling it
Right now it's only available at select gas stations in my area
But that's fine
After all
It's a a malt beverage (read: nigga drank)

Imagine if you took a concentrated 40oz
added some Red Bull, a shot of really generic Vodka (read: Barton's)
and a bit of fruit juice.
That right there, that's Four-Loko
Essentially.
At least, that's what it tastes like.
And for the record, no that's not particularly tasty.
Yes, it will get you fucked up
Yes, you'll probably get a headache.
But what were you really expecting when you paid 3 bucks
for a can of concentrated booze?

As if it weren't niggerish enough to buy a 24oz malt beverage from a gas station at midnight
(That's pretty fuckin niggerish)
(The only thing I was missing was a Black and Mild)
The only flavor they had available was...
that's right, you guessed it, Watermelon.

Well, I decided to mess around with it because it needed some serious help
and this is what I came with.

The Fuck-You-Up Punch. (working title)

8oz Four Loko (watermelon flavor)
1 shot Peach Schnapps
1/2 shot Midori
Few splashes of Sour Mix
Fill with Gingerale

It definately takes the bite off the booze
even gives it a bit more flavor.
Feel free to make this a party drink
Just put it in one of those gatorade dispensers
and don't tell anyone what's in it
It's like Hunch Punch...only not.


Oh, and I also tried Moscato
...I don't see what the big deal is about it.
I love white wine as much as the next wanna be snob
But Sparkling Desert Wine?
get the fuck outta here...

Dashboard.

So I made this cocktail
It looks kinda like a booger
but it tastes like sweetness.

I shot Bourbon
1/2 shot peach schnapps
1/2 shot Midori
1/2 shot Triple Sec
Sunny Delight

Add in a shaker over ice, shake and pour.

Not sure what to call it yet
But it's not bad.
Although I probably have to run it past my test audiences.
Maybe lighten up on some of the liquors
Or at least actually measure it next time.

Seagulls

Metaphorically
I've been watching seagulls.

That is to say
I've been watching them fly around in circles
Initially it was quite soothing.

I am a man of the sea
...no, not a sailor
But water plays an integral part of my lifestyle.
Without it, I am...lost.

So the seagulls have been a sort of compliment to the ocean view.
Except I realized that my feet were not in water.
In fact, there are no lakes, rivers, or hell, even ponds where I live
And those birds weren't seagulls
They were pidgeons.

Which of course brought me to a few realizations:
1) What have I been doing?
2) Where's my water?
3) Did I really just have an illusion?
4) I must be lost.
5) What have I been missing?

I've been caught up in extreme melancholy
A time period so...bland that I've become milquetoast.

Working where I do
I see hundreds of new faces
Everyday.
Hundreds, thousands even
And they're all the same to me.
Which really saddens me.
The people...they're never different.
The same types rotate in and out of the place
Down to the work force.
There's no...variety
No...diversity
Not even a well...I don't know what to call it
I feel in every place there should be that one person that makes you say
"What the fuck?" at least once a day.
Just to keep things interesting.
Here? No such thing.
The predictability of it all was and still is wearing me down

I'm finally able to open my eyes a little bit
which is a relief in some ways
but part of me also feels that dragging feeling
that knows my eyes are going to get heavy again.

I suppose one of the best ways to describe it is to take a line from a Jealousy Curve song
entitled "Lazy Days"

"Well these lazy days, they teach a lesson here
My motivation's gone, and the fucking TV
it runs on and on
I can't find a single thing to do
To make this all less ordinary"

While I continue contemplating what else I'd like to express
For now lets take a look at the poly side of my life.

For the first time in probably quite sometime
I'm actually disappointed in myself for not acquiring someone's number.

You see...facial expression is important to me
and by important I'm pretty sure that means it's a turn on
Or rather, control of the facial expressions is a turn on
Something about the ability to do things with eyebrows,
the slightly mischievous curve of a lip
It's so...intriguing to me
Strangely enough moreso because I can do it too.
I am a sucker for it and it has lead to some...unlikeable situations for me
But, I still acknowledge it as something that interests me.
But I'm digressing.

Long story short, I did end up hanging out with these two chicks
and I thought we were having good conversation
amidst everything else that was going on
Ideally having both numbers would've been nice
But there came a point where I didn't want to be
...how do say...
too forward?

I suppose I must just take the L for that one.
Its a rotten shame though
I think that may have been the first time I actually wanted a fling
as opposed to say, a longer relationship
It was...enlightening in a way.

That was also the first time I could've gotten more than one number at once
...that's always exciting.

The operative word here however is "could've"
So we chalk this one up to the
"could've, would've, should've" category
and watch it tumble down the well of obscurity.

I have always been afraid to "pull the trigger"
for one reason or another
Most of it is fear-related
But there does come a point
(usually when I'm drunk)
That I feel it's just that time
And I'm willing to give something a shot

Why is it that in my sobriety
I become so...closed to the world?
In my sobriety the world really, really sucks
In my inebriation the world still sucks, but I don't give a damn about it.
In my sobriety...and as I'm typing this it's making me think about writing a song
...I do what needs to be done regardless of time and effort
in my inebriation the little things are easier to find.
It's a perplexing world
While sober I am a man of serious intentions (except when I'm at home)
taking care of all kinds of business, being responsible, enjoying the breeze
When I've had a few drinks it becomes incredibly easy for me to find
that little extra piece of awesome in the day.
Hell, I even cook better while drunk.

And I know, being drunk everyday is a testament to the true alcoholic
but it does make things fun y'know?
I suppose there's a key to doing it in moderation
Yea, I've gone to work buzzed a few times
Who hasn't?
Sometimes you need that little extra awesome in your day.

It's early morning
I rise early, yes
But rarely this early.

I mean
Yes this post is at 7:30 in the morning
but I've been up since about 5.

I know why this is
But it doesn't stop me from being up.

I have things I need to do
I have things that are getting complex
and complex things irk me.

That, and I haven't really been online much recently
There are lots of news articles and whatnot
for me to catch up on.

Why?
Because there's no need for me to be online
I'm not that connected to any online community anymore.

Truthfully I'm not really connected to any community.

That's not to say I don't have contacts and acquaintances
I just get to them in due time.

but who cares, really?
Which is the point I suppose.
I think to some degree we all feel the need to justify our whereabouts
Even if we're speaking to no one in particular.

We want to feel like we belong
That somewhere out there in the world someone is listening
Or watching

Yet at the same time
I would feel incredibly creeped out if I thought someone was watching my every move.

Then again I suppose that's what they created Twitter for.
(Incidentally, yes I am on twitter.)

Sure, you can choose to tell everyone that you're taking a shit
Or buying groceries
Or flinging a hamster off a bridge
Or giving yourself a stranger
or any variety of other things

And people can choose to listen and respond
Or they can just ignore your shit and move on with their lives.
(The latter option is a very common response)

How is it that we can want to express almost every part of our lives
And still feel weirded out about doing it?

Who would create something like that?

It's like...with sex.
We all want to do it
It feels good and natural
But there are so many drawbacks
Like
Inherent flaws
in people.

You can be really kind to your neighbors
but a complete dick to your waiter
or retail associate.

my inevitable conclusion
is that people don't make any fucking sense.
They never have
and probably never will.

I suppose it's one of many things
that makes humans separate from the rest of the functional world
But I mean
Why?

Why are people like this?
Why are people so...people?
How can we be so brilliant and so incredibly fucked up?
So lucky and full of potential, yet so incredibly naive and ignorant?

Who the fuck would create something like that?

I don't know
I'm ranting.
I apologize.

My thoughts are scattered today.
Once again I find myself waiting
But in this waiting I am forced to dwell on my thoughts.

I have not taken pen to paper in a while
Nor have I finished changing my guitar strings
So I have some anxiety built up.
Some sense of accomplishment that's gone unfulfilled
And yes, it is frustrating.

I have also neglected cleaning
Which I should probably be doing instead of writing this post
But no post is unneeded.

...(U(*@#URJH!I@!@$O(!@& U)*(JI

...Fin.