New Years.

It's that time again
New Years.
We say goodbye to one number ending
and hello to another.

Which always messes me up
Just when you get used to writing month/day/2008
It gets switched up.

So not only do you have to remember what day it is
Which I can also never do
You have to remember to write 2009 now.
Joy. Rapture.

Do I have a resolution?
Of course
We all do.

Promises to ourselves that we normally don't fulfill
but at least we try for a few weeks.

Don't get me wrong now, some people actually stick to it.
The idea of a new year's resolution actually means something significant to them
and to them I say Kudos.

A New Year's Resolution to me is something that I will make considerable more effort to completing.

Example:
"My New Year's Resolution is to stop smoking"
...Yea, right.

as opposed to:
"My New Year's Resolution is try to listen to more people"

Not necessarily difficult, but do able.

I think my resolution last year was to listen to different kinds of music.
Well, if it wasn't that's what I made it anyway.

So
What's your new year's resolution?
(I don't really care, but I'm sure you should have some idea of what you want to work towards.)

My resolution?

Hmm.
That's difficult.

I should write here more often...I make no promises though.
I should exercise a little bit...again, no promises
I should call my family a little more often...but probably won't.

...I know.

This year, I'll be more honest.
With myself
With my friends, associates, loved ones.

Honesty is dangerous yes
But I think I'll be able to sleep better at night if I am.

Happy New Year.

Trek

Changes come.
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain
(This too will pass)
Like a kidney stone
(This too will pass)
It's just a broken heart, son
This pain will pass away.

- Puscifer - "Momma Sed"


I am quite aware this is the 2nd time in a row that I've used a song quote to begin my entry
If you don't like it
Suck it.
Plain and simple.

Music Lyrics are inspirational
They say so much
They can mean one thing at one time
and something completely different the next.
If you so choose to interpret them that way.

But why this lyric?
Why today?
I don't know.
I was listening to bands that involved Maynard James Keenan
(Tool, APC, Puscifer)
and while still realizing the genius of his music
and by genius I mean things that I'm only able to understand I as I progressively age
I come across lyrics that stick out

I find these lyrics quite often
In songs that I really like.
Some songs are all about the melody and beat
and some are about the words and the message
I don't consider myself to be all that deep
I have a terrible time writing
I lack eloquence.

For example
(Also from Puscifer)

"It's always gonna be sour grapes with you boy, until you get right with Jesus"
-Puscifer, "Sour Grapes"

...I have no idea what that song is about
I just like that line
I like the fact that it sounds like there's a huge choir in the background cosigning on everything he says.

or perhaps in this lyric

"Shaking like a pistol in an young man's hand, there in the pale moonlight"
-Justin Townes Earle, "Lone Pine Hill"

I could go on and on and on
But I forgot what I was talking about.

I really did forgot.
Like, completely.
I'm considering erasing all this writing and starting over
but I feel like that's a waste
and I'm extremely lazy
Even though all it really takes is hitting CTRL + A, Backspace.
You could do that by accident.
That would be a shame.

Especially if you're writing something really good
like a song or an essay
and you get careless
so you hit a series of buttons
and Bink
it's gone.
And you're left starting at a blinking cursor.


...I hate that blinking cursor
It haunts you
Taunts you
teases you
torments you
write something
oh wait, you can't, can you.
Like it's...better than you.

why does it exist?
Everytime you go to write something
it's there
starting you in the face.
mocking you.

Unless, of course
You have your ideas in order before you open it.
Like
a simple line
a simple lyric
a simple sentence, hell, a sentence fragment.

Then you begin to expand
You write
You blossom

Fuck you blinking cursor!
I am victoriou.

(Did that on purpose...long story...text based game...)

What was I saying?
I don't know.
Don't let the blinking cursor win.
A little part of you will die inside.

Gap Band

I hate people.
Plain and simple.

"But hate is such a strong word"
"Surely you can't mean that"
"Hate and Love are two sides of the same coin; passion"
"yeah I hate those motherfuckers too"

These are all legitimate responses to the above phrase.
That doesn't change a damn thing.

People are people
And they all have the same qualities.

Sure, everyone is an individuals
And there are things to be admired about individual personalities
But there are so many things to be despised.
People aren't perfect
I know I'm sure as hell not
And yes, perhaps I do treat it like an uphill struggle
But who doesn't?
Is there anyone out there that doesn't seek to be better than what they are?
I mean really deep down
I doubt it
Those people usually kill themselves at some point.
Very few people are content with themselves in their current lifestyle
Everyone always wants something else
It's a life full of wanting
sometimes needing
coveting
Things that you do not possess
(fuck you spell check.)

More often than not, if you get the things you really want, are you really fulfilled?
I doubt it.
Usually the things we want are paved with sideroads that take us away from the original goal in mind
So we change
We adapt
And we find new things to dream about
Or just keep pushing until we achieve -something-

I hear that's how it goes anyway.

Growing older
(Not growing up, I'm not entirely sure I'll ever do that.)
I wanted a lot of things
Not material, like a space chimp or a gyrating pony
...that last image was a bit disturbing.

I think at some point I wanted to have 100 kids
Yes
100 kids.
Why the fuck would anyone want that?
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you what I was thinking
I could use them like the puppies in 101 Dalmations (screw you SC)
No, not make fur coats out of them
...I don't even know how I thought that would work
Not a smart life decision
I abandoned the idea thusly.

At some point I wanted a younger sibling
...for various reasons...
(interpret that how you will.)
Then I realized I'd have to share my cookies.
Fuck that shit.
Those are -my- cookies.
And you know, I figure it wouldn't be healthy for me or my mother to have to deal with another possible me.
Call it consideration
Call it a cry for help
...I just don't like baby poo.

And as time progressed...like everyone else in the world
I wanted to be noticed
Still do, really.
(Who doesn't)
Not always to become famous or have my name written in the history book
( though I sure as hell wasn't opposed to it)
but because I figure the hire you progress in the popularity chain
the more interesting people you get to meet

You see, I used to like people
I used to like people a lot
I always wanted to know so much information about everyone else
Everyone seemed so interesting
So many cracks and crevices
So many things in the nooks and crannies
Secrets and Plots
Truths and Lies
It used to be exhilarating
(Particularly in women)
(Be offended if you want to, but women are crazy)
I spent so much of my times wondering why people behaved the way they do.
In my younger years
Every action seemed so independent
So...unrestricted.

I've since learned differently.

That's not to say that people aren't still interesting
You've got some pretty crazy motherfuckers out there
And even ordinary Bob Smith's got a few tales to tell you

I've just lost my patience to deal with it.

Before
When we were children
It was a challenge to find out about everyone
Because they simply existed
Children are natural
They don't try to stick out like the deflated balloon in the parade
Although they often do
You can notice a child from quite a distance before you even conceive of where the parents are
(I am aware that this sounds like Stalker behavior)
(And to that I say: Bite Me and go back to your cats and Matlock)

Children are interesting
Adults, less so
Everyone's out to prove who they are
Instead of letting it come out naturally.

Everyone tries so hard
Too fucking hard.
I don't know why
And I damn sure don't give a flying fuck anymore.


...and I'm tired of motherfuckers asking me about mundane shit.
If something changes and I get a new pair of pants, I'll let you know.

FCRDC

You're hot, then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
(We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up)

You, you don't really want to say, no
You, but you don't really want to go

*Katy Perry - "Hot N Cold"
----

I put that one line in parenthesis because I don't particularly care for it
No other reason.
The rest of the song is...well, I don't particularly care about that either
The chorus is catchy
Until the line in parenthesis.
Why post that part of the song?
Why now?
I don't know.
It's stuck in my head.

Many things get stuck in my head.
Like that Comcast commercial
You know
The one where the kids are "programming"
The script looks a little something like this:

Kid 1: The javascript library is down!
Kid 2: Can you salvage it?
Kid 1: We're stuck in an endless loop
*chair wheels behind them*
Kid 3: Bypass the interface.

...I hate kid 3.
I hate the person that wrote that script
I hate the person who thought it'd be clever to put that shit on television.
It is full of failure
And the very existence of that sentence fragment in that part of the universe
Annoys the shit out of me.
I mean, it's like they took a bunch of words they didn't think anyone would know
And just threw them together.
This is not politics
You're not winning any votes this way
I don't feel like I was promised anything
In fact, I'm sure that if I wasn't already a Comcast customer, I damn sure wouldn't be now.

I don't know what it is about that commercial that irks me
I think it's just the way that the kid says it
He's just so...sure that he's right
I know there's got to be some other kid in that office that's shaking his head
thinking to himself
"Man that guy is an idiot."
But people are determined to believe he's right
Because he doesn't think he could possibly be wrong.

That says a lot really.
That's how people are
Like sheep sometimes
They don't know that they could be being lead to the slaughter
They're just so convinced that this one sheep knows where he's going
And he's so convinced that he has to be right because no one else can be.
And then you've got the one sitting on the side just shaking his head
Wondering
Can they really be that stupid?

...I'm exaggerating of course, I'm not entirely sure sheep have coherent thoughts like that.
I don't know what sheep think
Or if they think at all
Maybe it's like a Disney movie with all animals.
It could happen.


People can't really be that stupid, can they?
Yes, they can.
You know handfuls of people that are as offended as you
But think about why that is
You're all in the same environment
There was obviously some similar thread that got you there
Think about all the people that aren't in your environment
The people that don't understand the things that you do
That don't realize when things are out of place
Not because they're necessarily stupid
But because they're ignorant.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing
It just means you don't know.
It's not always your fault
You just don't know.

I think as time progresses, those of us that seek power
Really take this knowledge into heart
People are fairly ignorant
While there are always a few that understand your thinking
There are hundreds, thousands, sometimes millions that don't
These are the ones you make believe what you want them to believe
It takes time to master of course
And it becomes childsplay.
People are predictable
Predictably stupid
and Predictably ignorant
(most times)

The selfish see this as a means to climb to power
The selfless see this is a means to help or protect.

I guess it's just what you make of it
Knowledge can be a terrible thing.

Tires

I have been noticeably absent recently
Don't cry
You'll get over it.

But that's just how it is sometimes.
I will return soon with more things to ponder on
For now
You get nothing.
But you'll be alright.

...Probably.

Auras

I had to write this one down
It's too good for me not to explore.

I want to talk about Auras.
Or at least what I understand them to be.
Don't get me wrong, I could be completely mislead
But I really can't think of another word for it.
Aura...just closely relates to what I'm thinking.

Let's say that your Aura is the air around you that you give off
Some people say it's colors, some people say it's a certain kind of heat
Some people say it's a certain tune that only you let out and other people hear.
It may be all of these
It may be none of these
But the fact remains that there is certain something between people that allows
someone else to sense certain things about you.
Could be smell, could be an otherworldly sense, could be anything
For the sake of today's discussion, I call it an Aura.

I bring this to the table today because of a discussion that arised
And much like some of my earlier work, the words just came flowing from my mind
And 9 out of 10 times, it ends up sounding philosophical, even if it isn't.

This...Aura that you give off, is specific to you of course
It's something only you can control
Even if you don't know you can do it.
Yet
to some extent there's small bits of it that we all understand
Like...even toddlers for example
While they can't necessarily talk, they can put off a sort of air around them
It's just the basic needs mostly, because they're new to the world
They only have need of sleep, eating, and expulsion of fecal matter.
Parents are most receptive to it
And most females
Because most females have some air of nurture about them
They have an innate ability to care for the young
Not to say that men can't do so
Just that women tend to be more receptive.
Parents, for a variety of reasons are particularly sensitive to the child
Because they are direct offspring
The child gives off an air that resonates with the original parents
The parents recognize it and interpret it as what the child needs.
It's very basic, yet...it needs no words
Because there is an Aura about the child.

As you progress through age, you learn to use the Aura for different things
If you learn to use it all, which most people do for one reason or another.
Some of the basics are forgotten, and for some time people forget how they are doing
whatever it is that they are doing.
You no longer have to give off the air of hunger or sleepiness because it's understood.
Again, particularly by parents.

Now, before I go further
Let's discuss the nature of an Aura
What's in it? What is it? What makes it? What drives it?
From what I can surmise
the closest word I can think of is...desire.
The kind of aura you push out is that of what you desire.
In some cases it's a kind of heat because you may desire someone carnally
In other cases it may be a color because of your attitude for the day
It's ever changing
I suppose it could also be similar to someone's soul
The very essence of their being

Yet, we're all human, so there's something common in all human auras
An understanding that we all share similar emotions
There's no need for an extra layer of translation between two people meeting.
Some bodies understand this more than others
Females in particular, they are very receptive to auras that people put out
Some males share the gift.

Guys face the problem of not being able to read or feel other peoples auras
So they have this innate urge to make their presence known
Thus an air of dominance, an aura of confidence.

Controlling these...auras is something different entirely
I suppose it can be done by anyone
If they learn to understand it.

I won't lie and say that I've mastered myself and my aura
because that's a lie
But I have come to believe that there are certain parts of it that I do understand
And that I can manipulate.

I bring this up because from what I hear from other people
People are attracted to me
Not sexually (well, sometimes...I am kinda cute.)
But that there's an air about me that sort of draws people
Now, I don't necessarily believe this
But I do think that I have the ability to sense and push out my own aura.

For an example
(This is a bad one)
Everytime I sit on the subway to work
I wish that no one talks to me
yet
I twist this air with a sense that I want -certain people- to talk to me
Which gives off this weird feeling of a closed aura with open holes.
This usually draws interest from people
Not always in a good way
I do get a lot of homeless people asking me for change that way.
I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way
They don't generally want people to talk them
They're just waiting for certain people to do so
So they have an Aura that's only half closed
People walking by can sense that there's something different about the person
And some people use it to their advantage
Homeless people for example seem to be exceptionally receptive to these
Mostly because the people that have these auras look like giant teddy bears with wide eyes.

Now me, I know homeless people like to ask me for change
So I try to push off the aura of "Leave me alone"
But I try too hard, so it stands out in the crowd
Which obviously draws the attention of those people trying to be receptive.

And here we have the innate problem of trying to control your own aura
You can make it different
You can change it how you want to
But it will be noticed.
By both the people you do and don't want to notice it
Because it's loud, damn it.
Haven't you ever met those people?
They walk in, and you -know- they just walked in.
That shit is loud.
But damned if they don't have that air about them.
That...confidence.
And that's what draws people to them
Either because their interested on how to do it themselves
Or because it's just innately curious to them.

...
My apologies, I've be come sidetracked.
I had some more things I wanted to point out, but I'm afraid that will have to wait for another time.

Not a topic.

Recently I've taken to writing about sexuality.
Mostly because I consider it a rather large portion of my life.
Not to say that I'm addicted to sex or anything
(Though I might be, I'm not really sure yet.)
I've just always been interested in it.

The thing is
I usually write things from my own experiences
Since I mean, that's the best way to learn something

...I don't know where I thought I was going with that.
I'll be honest here

I'm writing this today because I'm a little bit frustrated.
Sexually, that is.
I mean, I know everyone gets to that point a lot
That doesn't make it any less annoying, trust me.

People always say things like "Oh, I haven't had sex in 3 months"
or the "I've never actually had sex"
So as to make you feel somehow better about the fact
That you're not currently rolling around in another persons sweat.
Say "ew" if you want to
You're probably a virgin.
That was mean, I know
but truthful.

...Never heard a woman complain about sweat if she's getting that good dick.
Yes, I said it
That good dick.
A good hot dicking.
Does that offend you?
Probably not.
It makes me laugh.
If you're not laughing
You're too uptight
And probably need a good hot dicking.
(Dr. Tran can give it to you.)

What does that term mean you ask?
It's really not that hard to figure out
Obviously it involves a dick and someone getting dicked down
Or
Penetrated
Fucked
Sexed
Plowed
Stuffed
...stop me if you've heard any of these before.
Slammed
Rammed
Whammed
Porked
(I still don't know where they came up with that one)
Things like that.

Clearly you can tell by my abrasive language that I really don't give a fuck tonight
There's a reason for that.
See
I have a libido
A fairly strong one at that.
Simply put
A libido
(to me)
is your sex drive.
(i don't care what it actually is, that's what it means to me)

That part of you that feels compelled to "do the deed"
with another...body...substance...thing.

Yes, this is horniness.

As far as I'm concerned, there are different types of horniness
The first is the basic type that most people have
which is usually a compulsion to release your tension through some form of ejaculation.
That one's easy enough to solve
Go get some lotion/lube, a towel and a porn flick
You'll be just fine.
After this, one usually feels a bit less stressed and more able to cope with his/her day.
(Note: this is a daily thing for guys
Some of it is to relieve stress, but most of it is out of sheer boredom)
I can't explain why it is that women don't masturbate as much
They let a lot of that tension build up before they do anything about it.
(...does that somehow make release even better?
Hmm...sounds like a hypothesis)

No, that's not what I suffer from today.

The second is a compulsory desire to be intimate with another person
That's the kind of sex when there's enough tension in the air to cut it with a spoon
Someone needs to get dicked down, quick.
This is less common than the initial libido stab, but still quite common
It grows with silence and slight movements
It can sometimes be unbearable
Mostly because communication between the two bodies is sporadic if existent at all.
One body usually says "Damn, I want that"
And the other body says "Damn I want that"
but they're both so loud they don't hear the other.
Then you slip into "Damn I want that...does that want this?"
Which can be a mistake
or
it can lead to
"Damn I want that...I'm going to have it now."
Then
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am
Hot Dickings all around.
(Fuck you spell check, dickings is word.)


The third is the urge to fulfill a desire of some sort
to live out a fantasy that you probably have had for quite some time
This can include anything from doing it doggy style, to spankings to stockings to licking sour cream off of nipples
Hell, I don't know, I'm not that fucking creative, use your goddamn imagination.
You get the point.
This is a kind of horniness that doesn't really go away
It likes to stick around and fuck with you a lot.
It gets infinitely more frustrating as time goes by.
I mean
It's fucking great if you ever get to fulfill it
but the time you have to wait for it absofuckinglutely ricockulous

It's desires like this that make the people you consider weird or "just downright wrong"
(necrophiliacs, dendrophiliacs, pedophiles, scat-people, etc)
Do what they do.
I'm telling you
That shit doesn't go away.
It sticks to you like...little mexican children selling Chiclets.
(Yea, I said it, I know it's racist
Shit, goto Nogales and see if you don't find out what I mean)

As time progresses and you get a little closer to fulfilling those desires
each let down gets progressively worse and more damaging to your ego
and libido.
Seriously.

I speak so frankly about it because obviously I have a lot to say on the matter
Yes, I do believe that I'm suffering from these issues currently.
I'll let you guess which one.


I'm just saying
Talking about it doesn't make it less annoying
Having other people tell you about their sexual mistakes doesn't make it better.
Annoying is annoying.

So what do you do to not be annoyed?
That, my friends, is the million dollar question.

And don't say "I turn that energy into something positive like exercise"
You're a goddamn liar.
You don't exercise because your horny
You exercise because you want to feel better about yourself.
Fucking liars.
All of you.

Well, not all of you.
But enough of you.
Deceitful, deceitful people.
For shame.

Sexuality (2 of ∞) - Ponder

I wasn't planning on writing this today
But I was kindly informed by a friend of mine
That I should continue

So I shall.

These past week or so has been very tiring and busy
So I haven't really thought about much
Which means a few things
I could not be as sharp
Or
I could be sharper.
I'll let you think about that for a minute.
(It's okay if it means nothing to you...
wait a fucking second, why does "okay" get a red squiggly line
This makes no sense.
I bet this thing thinks conversate is a word
No, I was wrong.
Now I'm just confused.)

By the way, "Conversate" is not a word
(You can have a conversation, you can converse with something
But you can't conversate.
Shit doesn't even make sense.)

Alas, I digress once more
Something I am infamous for.

Sexuality, in its entirety
(wow, I'm surprised that's a word)
Is a vast, and mostly untouchable thing
So yes, I do hesitate on what to talk about next.

I mean
There's just so much to talk about
People have been publishing books on these things for years
People spend their whole lives devoted to it
And they -still- can't explain it
Not all of it anyway.

There's just too much to cover
Maybe
I think you have to take it slowly
Treat the study more like a child
Than a lego set.
(I fucking love legos)

I'm a kinesthetic learner
Like a lot of people
(Kinesthetic more or less means the "hands on" approach)
I would say I'm about 60% Kinesthetic and 35% Visual
Which, if you can do math properly
Leads you to the 5% of Auditory learning
(I just don't listen)
(Yea, I said it, I'm not ashamed)
(I don't listen for shit.)

In the case of Sex
Whether it's foreplay, intercourse, masturbation, orgasm or just plain cuddlin'
There are certain things you can only learn from the Hands On approach
Literally.

Obviously, you never quite know how to deal with another persons body
It's awkward
That's just how it is.
I mean, there does come a time if you've been with so many people
That you have a fairly good idea of how to handle it
But there's still a lot of awkwardness.

Sex is awkward
There's a lot of bumping
Rubbing
Moving
Sweating
Sometimes scratching
Heavy breathing
Confusion
Excitement
and Doubt.

They're all there.
They always have been
And they always will be.
It's what makes it so damn fun.
You never exactly know how it's going to turn out
It's got that element of mystery in it.
Or if it doesn't
That's usually when people go seeking it elsewhere
(i.e. affairs, trysts, hookers)
(Not that there's much mystery in a hooker, you know exactly what you're paying for)

But it's meant to be that way
Or so I assume.

Take this quotation:

"Holding Naoko in my arms, I wanted to explain to her,
'I am having sex with you now. I am inside you. But really this is nothing. It doesn't matter.
It is nothing but the joining of two bodies. All we are doing is telling each other things that can only be told by the rubbing together of two imperfect lumps of flesh.
By doing this, we are sharing our imperfection'"
(Haruki Murakami - "Norwegian Wood")

(No, I don't know if I cited that correctly
I just spent the past 6 minutes looking up ways to do it
And nothing relevant came up.
Thanks Internet, you always know the answer.)

I think that's a pretty good description
That's what it is
Two imperfect bodies coming together
sharing their imperfection
Recognizing it in each other
And celebrating it
in a matter of speaking.

Yet it's through that acknowledgment
That we find a primal state of being.
I know I said this before
It helps along the road to enlightment
You are imperfect
And so is everyone else.

Which is why
You have to take the hands on approach
You have to feel it out
Understand it
("it" being that almost insatiable desire to paw another's flesh)
Control it
Not necessarily tame it
but channel it.

There's a lot of heat and passion that goes into good sex
(I said good sex, not all sex)
Sometimes sex is just y'know
someone rubbing themselves in/on someone else until they release
I don't particularly care for that
I don't really see the point.
You can masturbate alone
Why misuse the company of another body
You can feel it, feed off it it, meld their desires with your own
And slip into a new kind of pleasure entirely.
But again, I digress.

I've digressed a lot actually
Almost to the point that I've forgotten what I meant to be talking about.
I apologize
You didn't come here to hear me rant on and on
Or maybe you did
If that's the case

...you're weird.

I think I said all of this to say that sex is awkward
It's pleasurable, yes.
Extremely pleasurable.

But there's always that milestone to get over
Especially for Virgins, people with Anxiety and Nerve Problems
Or even your Joe Averages.

We're human
We don't know it all
We share this with others
And are comforted

...It's okay to not know.
(Fucking squiggly lines)


You just have to learn to embrace pleasure.
Look past the could, would, should, can, and cannots
Just focus on what to do.
Seek pleasure
Find pleasure
Embrace it.

Sexuality (1 of ∞)

Cleaning off my glasses for the umpteenth time today
(you know, I really thought I'd get a red squiggly line under that word
Apparently "umpteenth" counts as a proper english word now
Yet, "english" without a capital E gets squiggled
There's some sort of irony in that, I'm sure.)

Anyway
I've decided to step my foot into this large discussion pool
known only as
Sexuality.

This is going to be a long series of analysis on every type of sexuality I can fathom.
From Gender, to Preference, to Fetish to Practices to whatever else I can imagine.
The problem is
Like I said
This is a -huge- subject
And I'm sure I'll get distracted
So forgive me.

I hesitated on doing this for a long time
Simply because I wasn't sure I had the capability of discussing it properly
I'm going to try and pick one subject a day and just focus on that
I make no promises though
I'm not very good at keeping track of things.
Also
I think it would help if I put them in no specific order
Rather, I will add tags to them so they can be viewed together
Because much like a sex drive
My thoughts can be triggered by different things on different days.

Again I still hesitate because I'm concerned about my internet mask
I don't know why
Everyone's entitled to their own opinions, correct?
Yet, it never seems that way.
I wonder why that is.
People are so biased
so...
not what they claim to be.
But
I think there comes a time in your life when you realize
You just have to do things for yourself.
I'm sure I've said this already
But it's one thing to say something and another to follow it, yes?
Practice what you preach, yes?
(Yes, I know many clichés)
(You'll live)
Anyway.
I've digressed long enough.
Without further to do
(Yes, I know it's ado, but they once said it like that on Rugrats and I thought it was hilarious)
(Not adieu like people think..."Without further goodbye?" wtf.)

---
Section 1 - Sexuality
----
Sex
The Emotional, Physical, Carnal, Sensual, Mental jumble
That people do incredibly terrible and wonderful things to get.
Why is it so?
What makes it so fantastic?
I do not know.
I myself am a victim of such pain and pleasure
Such ignorance and knowledge
Such fulfillment and absence
I just wish to analyze.

The world is separated into two "genders"
Two "roles" if you will
That of the Dominant (Male) and that of the Submissive (Female)
(In traditional literature anyway.)
The union of Male and Female in sexual intercourse
The penetration of the (male, dominant) Penis
(Dick, Cock, Meat Weasel, Pickle, Schlong, Dong, or whatever else you think of)
Into the (woman, submissive) Vagina
(snatch, sheath, taco, pussy, cooch, vagoo, oh the world is full of euphemisms)
Is one of the most sought after things in our society
...by the Heterosexual population.
(or at least that's what they want you to think)

Which brings me to this point
Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Transsexual, Asexual, Trisexual(?)
What to they all mean?
Well
I'll examine them later.
Each one in turn
They deserve it.

Today, we'll keep it at introductions and paraphrasing.

There are an insane amount of nerve endings in the reproductive organs
So much that when they are all stimulated
Orgasm occurs.
Orgasms manifest themselves in different ways in different people
But for the most part it's pretty simple to identify them.
In most males it's simply Ejaculation.
And the releasing of the bodily fluid known as Sperm
(In 99% of porno known as Cum)
In women, well, that's usually signified when the whole body seizes up
Everything becomes tightened
And there's a moment of ultimate, unrestrained release
Which may or may not include projecting bodily fluids
This, simply put, is known as Orgasm.

Orgasms are the...well
They're quite possibly one of the best things in existence.
Some might go so far as to say
It is the best thing in existence.
Really, think about it
Whether you masturbate
Or orgasm though intercourse
(of any sort)
It's the full on release of everything that you are.
The world around you no longer exists in that one brief moment
You are one with the entire universe
Yet you are nothing
It's perplexing
Yet quite possibly the highest form of enlightenment
It's serene
Calming
Embracing
Dangerous
Exciting
Happy
Joy
Adrenaline
Pure

Honestly, there are no words to describe it
Only the feelings that surround it
In itself orgasm is religious, sacrilegious, sacred and public.
It's holy and demonic
It's heaven and hell
It's pleasure and pain
It's sin and redemption.

Pure Sexual Desire
Pure Flesh
Pure Will
Pure Life.

It's two sides of the same coin
It's irresistible
Just out of reach
Coveted

It shows you life
it gives meaning (sometimes)
It embraces
And then you shudder.

I say this because it's important to understand why it's so sought after
It's the closest thing to immortality that we have
The closest thing to God
The closest thing to Purity.
The closest thing to...the self.

It's important to know why people do the things they do
For release
And I mean all people
Teenagers, Newlyweds, Married Couples, Friends, Friends with "benefits"
People, One Night Stands, Hookers, Pedophiles, Dendrophiles, Necrophiles
(For full list of fetishes, look at wikipedia, I don't have enough space for that)
They all have a base in orgasm

While the motivation may be different
The objective is still the same
Bliss.

People will trade in their entire universe for one sweet moment of pure bliss.
And that's what orgasm gives
Bliss.
Pure Bliss.

Is it worth it?
Absolutely.
Any single person in the world that gives their body half the chance
To give in to it's sexual desires will find themselves fulfilled in ways they never knew they could.
And that's what makes it so dangerous
So taboo
So...secret.

That in itself is exciting.
Most people spend their entire lives hiding from the world
Hiding their own sexual desires
Hiding
Waiting
Lurking
Hoping for the moment that they can reach ultimate bliss.

Like I said, people will give away their whole universe for a moment of bliss.

Now, is it wrong?
That's the question many people ask
And no one has that answer but you.
Are you wrong to want to Orgasm?
Are you wrong for wanting to Orgasm a certain way?

Because
If you hold back
Are you really truly letting go?
Are you really getting to point that you should?
Are you achieving...bliss?

That's up to you.

Sex is a powerful thing.

Differences.

My girlfriend asked the question
Yes, that question
"If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?"
I find this question to be surprisingly common
Because people aren't happy with their own lives
They always want more
Something else
Something better
Something...new

Whether it's to be the strongest
The fastest
The most clever
the least likely to get caught
or the most bad-ass motherfucker around.

And yet
I have no answer.
Not to say that I wouldn't like to have any superpower at all
Rather, I think of the repercussions of each decision.

I'm always reminded of the line from the Spider-Man movies
"With Great Power comes Great Responsibility"
Yes, I know it's cliché
(and yes, I did have to look up that Alt Code online because I wanted to spell the word correctly)
(it's Alt+0233 in case you didn't know.)
But it has some ring of truth to it.

Or maybe I just don't want to be bothered with it.
Super powers can be a bit of a hassle, you know.
People would always want you to fix their shit
because you know...they don't have powers.
Or even if they did, they don't have your powers.
And if they did have your powers, well then they wouldn't be powers at all now, would they?

She said to me
"I think I'd like to have telekinesis or the ability to stop time"

I'm sure they both have their uses
And I'm sure they'd both put a strain on your mind
As well as your body.

Now I'm not going to sit here and lie
Because if I had the ability to stop time
I would totally rob a bank.
I know, it's not befitting of a person with superpowers to use them so selfishly.
But damn
Why the hell not?
It's like that movie Jumper
(Despite the terrible reviews, you have to admit that sonic punch was fucking great.)
Except I wouldn't be as stupid.
That guy had all the time in the world to Jump wherever he wanted to
But
He got greedy
He started doing too much.

We all know Absolute Power corrupts Absolutely.
But you have to learn self-discipline.

Again, don't misunderstand me
If I were to gain a power through some force of nature or time
I wouldn't use them like that all the time
(I really don't care if you believe that or not.)

I'm a very simple guy
I essentially just want to get out of debt
And maybe have a car
Other than that
I can work just like everyone else.
"But why work when you have superpowers?"

Bills don't pay themselves
And heroism doesn't pay well.
Hell, even villains are poor in this economy
(reference: Eagle Talon)

I'm just saying
Superpowers have their pros and cons.
Of course.
Now
Is it worth it to have one?
I'm sure.
Nothing quite strokes your ego like knowing their are people out there depending on you.
Knowing that you alone could save the world
It's an exhilarating thought

...for most people.

Knowing that you could destroy the world has its perks too
(If you're into that kind of thing)

So what super power would I like to have?
I still don't know.

...perhaps the ability to change my abilities?
There's some food for thought
But of course, that has its own limitations
(i.e. "Rogue" from X-Men, or that guy from Heroes)

I don't know
Maybe I don't really want a super power
...that's a damn dirty lie.
I'm only human
I'm not perfect


Well damn
I completely forgot what I was supposed to be writing about.
Which of course isn't new
I often forget things like that
Is that a superpower?

...what the fuck is a super power anyway?

Unknown.

"What I'm telling you is, there's some people
who do things so bad it tears at the fabric of the world,
and then there's some people so sweet and good
that they can feel it when the world gets torn."


I like that line.
I can't tell you why
Because honestly, I don't know.
I just like the way it sounds
The way it rolls
The way it feels.
It's not necessarily powerful
Or mind-blowing
It just has a certain...pull about it.
That's an amazing concept really
For people to do things so bad
It tears at the very fabric
the essential makeup of the world itself.
And it is followed with:

"The rest of us, we've got good and evil mixed up in us,
and our own badness makes so much noise we can't hear it"
-Detective Doug Douglas
("The Lost Boys"- Orson Scott Card)

...
Just think about that one for a second.
There are people out there
That know when something exceptionally bad is happening
Only, they don't quite know what it is
They just channel this feeling of...badness
They can feel the frequency of evil
The pitch of indecency.
And they have reactions
People wonder about them
Are they insane?
What happened?
They used to be so nice?
Why are they so distant now?
But, we can't fathom what it's like to feel that same...shudder
That same residual pang that concentrated evil leaves.

No, you see.
The rest of us
We have too much clutter
Too much filth of our own
Too much...impurity.
It takes a massive force
A sign of pure, unfiltered, unrelenting evil for the likes of us to notice.
That's a scary thought.
Children can sense it
Because they're still innocent
Uncorrupted
Pure.
...unless of course, something happens to them.
But children see the truth
They have the eyes
The ears
The sense
Of...I suppose you can call it righteousness.

...but why?
Why only the children?
Why not the adults?
Is a part of growing up embracing the world and it's faults?
In growing up
we make mistakes
we learn
we do bad things
we try to redeem ourselves
...silently.
But still
We've lost the sight
The sense
The touch

...but why?
Is there no real redemption?
Are we doomed to be without divine intuition?
Are we no different than the demons that haunt the halls of abandoned homes?
I speak from more than just a spiritual sense.
I am by no means a medium of any sort
But even I get bad vibes from abandoned homes
Or bad situations.

I'm just curious
Clearly, I've done my share of things that eliminate me from the realm of divine intuition
I am not a child
Despite my best efforts to be.
But in seeking that purity
That sense of righteousness
Do we regain what we once lost
Or is it really gone forever?
Have I created a placebo effect to replace the sensations that used to crawl up and down my body?
Or was it a placebo effect all along?
I am not knowledgeable on this matter
As I stated, I am simply curious.


What is it that I'm trying to get at today?
I don't really know.
Like I said
I just really liked that line.
And it sparks a bit of curiosity in me.
...Can I sense evil like that?
No.
I'm too caught up in my own badness
Trying to silence my demons
Trying to hide part of who I am
Because I fear
Fear what?
Pain.
Pain of bringing shame to light
Pain of being...wrong
Pain of thinking I'm not worthy of living.
Yes, I make mistakes
They're probably not that different than most
But to live with them
to accept my wrongs
That's another thing entirely.

...Then again
Who is to say what's really wrong and right?
Is that the one part of me that has divine intuition?
That somewhere, deep down inside
I can tell when I'm doing something right or wrong
Perhaps
And perhaps there I will find my light
My peace of mind

Though I cannot become untainted
Can I still shine with impurities?

And if I think I'm so terrible
Can I ever learn to be good.

Ecco Domani

I sit here, listening to Delerium.
A group with similar sounds to that of Enigma
Trust me, you know who Enigma is, everyone does.
Even if you don't think you do, you do.

Why am I listening to Delerium?
Well, I like the name.
It's really that simple.
Enigma, Delerium, Fountains of Wayne
Along with various other artists
I just like the way they sound
They're...unusual.

Given the music of today is different, artists should have different names as well.
Not to say that music by Joe Smith (if there actually is an artist named Joe Smith)
Would be ordinary
I just probably wouldn't pick it up.
Or maybe I would, out of a sort of irony.
Yes, I'm sure I'm not using that word correctly, or maybe I am
I don't particularly care.
Joe Smith has got to be one of the most super-unabnormal names in the world
But the music might be phenomenal
Or maybe it wouldn't be phenomenal at all
It could be extremely ordinary
Very mainstream rock music with a solo and loud drums.
Who knows.
Whatever the case is, I bet someone would listen to it.
It might even be me.

Wait, where was I?
Oh yes, Delerium.
In my quest to expand my horizons
(Given my Zodiac sign)

Wait just one second please.
I accidently hit a series of buttons on this keyboard
Now my font is extra large
My screen is messed up
And I'm listening to the kind of music that you see
Either in movies with people exploring caves
or really, really sensual sex.
(Is there a connection there?)
Is this a surreal experience?
Or is it just unusual?

Do I want it to be surreal
or just unusual?
That, is the grand question.
We often seek...things that are out of our "norms"
Yes, we all have norms.
You can't avoid them
Hell, avoiding them might be part of your norm.
It's usually part of mine.
But why?
Why is it so important to do things that we don't "normally" do
Do we feel stifled?
Do we feel uncomfortable?
Unfulfilled?
Uncreative?
Typical?

What is this strange desire to be different?
It's...compulsory
I can...no I -must- be different.
I am not like everyone else.
Everyone else is not me.
I can't be.
I won't be.
I refuse to be...normal.

...but isn't that normal itself?
This is one nasty cycle, if I do say so myself.
And I do, because I can.

Delerium
A play on words, if you will.
A mockery...or "creative" spelling of the "normal" word
Delirium.
A frenzied excitement,
The steady decrease in the ability to give full attention or focus.

...I think we all suffer from that at some point or another.
Apparently, this is a serious medical condition.
It seems we're all in trouble.
Because we can't focus
We won't focus
We don't focus...on being normal
On being ordinary
On being...the same.

Are we wrong for it?
No.
If we were all the same, then who would we be?
Copies.
There's no individuality in that
No living
No sense of being.
No sense of right and wrong
No truth, no lies
No...core.

...I can't live like that
Neither can you
So we strive to be different.
Whether it's through music
Art
Food
Writing
Sleeping
Sex
Bullshitting
Or whatever it is that you may "excel" at.
It's really just you wanting to be different
to be heard
to be noticed
to be known
for not being the same
being unconventional
being...interesting.

Embrace this
and find
that you are different.

Live on
and be.

Just be.

Zork

I fucking love wal*mart
Or Wal*Mart
or whatever the fuck it is
I love it
It's quite possibly the greatest store in the world
I don't care if you disagree
No
I mean it
I really don't give a flying rats ass
You don't talk bad about Wallyworld.
You just don't
It's a sin.

why does this man love walmart so much?
Because
It's low prices
Everyday
Every single fucking day
Low Prices.

Go to the bar and get an order of wings
that's like 8 bucks right there
Goto walmart
buy yourself 3 pounds of wings for 5.49
How is that not a deal?

Where's the dining experience, you say?
Where's the television?
Where's the beer on tap?

It's called Comcast and at least 39% of us have it.
The other people have DirecTV
(woohoo, go you, with your "999" channels which you only actually get 80 of.)
I jest.
DirecTV is nice.
...sometimes.
But no free stuff for you.
Sorry.

And the beer
well
take your ass to the grocery store and buy a 6 pack.
(or a 12 if you're fat...or a raging beer-a-holic)

True
I shouldn't be complaining
These same people give restaurants their business
It's thanks to lazy america that I'm able to buy my 3 lbs of wings from WalMart
(keep in mind that I don't have a car so I have to walk with all my bags)
(which is really depressing, because I love shopping at WalMart)
(I finally find one that I can get to, but I can't always go to it)
(it's...frustrating)
(it's so close...so close...and yet, so far...)
I just realized I've been typing in parenthesis
and I don't know why
Seemed like a good idea at the time I suppose.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yes
Wal*Mart is the shit.
I feel like I'm getting away with something everytime I go there.

...how do they do that?
In this economy?
it's scary man.

well, not really.

So
We're in a recession
And feeling depression
Still learning the lessons
that we should've known
it's a cyclic repression
an unending session
of hope and aggression
like paying a loan.

and that's all I have to say about that
for now
because I'm tired
and it's 4 in the morning
WHY THE FUCK AM I AWAKE?
I have a job
I (don't) have kids.

Goodnight.

Desire.

I've been sitting here staring at my screen for an hour
Staring at my walls for some time
Staring at my bed
Waiting.

Waiting for what?
I don't know.
Waiting for an answer
Waiting for feelings to pass
Waiting to move on

Because sometimes that's all we can do is wait.

Patience is one of the highest virtues someone can have
For themselves as well as other people.
There's not really much you can't do if you can find your inner patience
...if you have any.
Sometimes it's the hardest thing to come...shit I forgot what I was typing
people keep IMing me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep writing a certain train of thought
if it keeps getting interrupted?
Especially if it's about something that's not important

Well, that is to say
Whatever you're doing might not be that important either
Or maybe it's the most crucial thing in the world
...if you're a writer.
But if you're just an ordinary joe like the rest of us
It probably wasn't that important
So you can afford to be patient, right?
You can afford to answer their questions or guide them or whatever the fuck it is they want.
You're a good person
Or so you tell yourself
Because you have...patience.
Woo, the million dollar word.

Lets examine that word
Patience.
What does it mean?
Is it the ability to know when to keep your mouth shut?
The ability to know when to say what needs to be said?
is it the ability to put up with things you don't particularly care for
again and again and again
Or is it something simpler?
Is it a repression of feelings and thoughts?
Is it a denial of your true self?
Is it apathy?
Is it indifference?
Is it practiced nonchalance?
What -is- patience?

And how do you know if you're doing it?
Or doing it right?
There's no one to say
...there's never anyone to say...
No one knows anything in this lifetime or the next
We all get one
...I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse.

Why is patience the highest of virtues?
Why is it that the more shit you're able to stand
The more enlightened people think you are.
Is it really because you've reached some plane of understand about life and its workings?
Or is it because you're just clueless?
"Wow" they say
"I wouldn't have the patience to deal with so-and-so"
And apparently you do
But all along
You can't help but think
"...what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
"wait it out? Maybe they'll get better?"
"Time changes people...right?"

...is it really enlightenment?
Or do you really just not know what to do?

Patience is waiting
Waiting on faith
Walking on eggshells
Believing
Holding on
Reaching
Grabbing
...but never with anything solid
Nothing is ever certain
But you wait
And you see.
You are patient
You are foolish
You are alive
You are confused.

Patience is key.
Key to a door
...what door?

New God, Old Problems.

This is taken directly from an Instant Messaging conversation
I thought it was too good to pass over
(or to type again)

[10:55:04] anthonyretro: Why did we just have an argument about Garfield?
[10:55:12] dracon332: because you're argumentative
[10:55:24] dracon332: and you can't appreciate anything that doesn't have subtext.
[10:55:44] anthonyretro: And I was trying to cut down on my arguing
[10:55:50] dracon332: Psh.
[10:55:56] dracon332: Liar
[10:56:05] dracon332: Arguing about this stuff is your favorite past time.
[10:56:14] dracon332: Well
[10:56:18] dracon332: that and masturbation
[10:56:25] dracon332: but that's usually out of boredom
[10:56:56] anthonyretro: That seems really sad
[10:57:02] dracon332: It's not
[10:57:06] dracon332: all guys think that way.
[10:57:17] dracon332: why else would we spend so much time looking at porn
[10:57:19] dracon332: we're fucking bored.
[10:57:25] dracon332: porn is entertaining
[10:57:54] anthonyretro: Porn just seems like something special that should be truly appreciated
[10:57:57] dracon332: ...
[10:57:59] anthonyretro: Not wasted on boredom
[10:58:05] dracon332: Now you're just being ridiculous
[10:58:25] dracon332: Not only do you put pussy on a pedestal, but now you're making masturbation out to be some kind of sacred ceremony?
[10:58:35] anthonyretro: You know those Burger King commercials where some guy sees two guys eating burgers
[10:58:48] anthonyretro: And the guy asks, "What did you do for that burger?"
[10:58:59] anthonyretro: And one guy says something like, "I found a star."
[10:59:09] anthonyretro: And the other guy is like, "I helped."
[10:59:21] dracon332: Yes I know those commercials.
[10:59:27] dracon332: it's for the new angus burger
[10:59:31] anthonyretro: Yeah
[10:59:43] anthonyretro: You see where I'm going with this
[10:59:44] dracon332: porn is not special.
[10:59:48] dracon332: porn is porn
[10:59:57] dracon332: there wouldn't be so damn much of it if it were so special
[11:00:12] anthonyretro: I figured it was for dedicated fans
[11:00:21] dracon332: dedicated fans have forums
[11:00:28] dracon332: porn has the internet
[11:00:33] dracon332: the whole damn thing.
[11:00:50] dracon332: Y'know
[11:00:53] dracon332: as time progresses
[11:01:02] dracon332: people use the internet like it's some sort of deity
[11:01:10] dracon332: because it's vast and you can't understand it
[11:01:13] dracon332: it's mystical
[11:01:45] dracon332: is it possible that peopel worship the internet...?
[11:01:47] dracon332: *people
[11:01:54] dracon332: is this a cult following?
[11:02:01] anthonyretro: Not sure
[11:02:09] dracon332: I mean
[11:02:11] anthonyretro: I know it's the first thing I run to in the morning
[11:02:14] dracon332: right
[11:02:21] dracon332: and you might not think of it that way immediately
[11:02:32] dracon332: but you know it
[11:02:47] dracon332: you can't fathom the depths of the internet
[11:02:53] dracon332: but you know you can't live without it
[11:02:57] dracon332: not in this day and age
[11:03:19] dracon332: If you have questions, where do you go?
[11:03:22] dracon332: the internet
[11:03:29] anthonyretro: What ends all arguments
[11:03:32] dracon332: internet
[11:03:41] anthonyretro: What's destroying traditional media?
[11:03:45] dracon332: the internet
[11:04:01] anthonyretro: What even has the porn industry worried?
[11:04:07] dracon332: that's kinda sad
[11:04:10] dracon332: but the internet
[11:04:15] dracon332: because who wants to pay for porn...
[11:04:20] dracon332: when you can get it free
[11:04:24] anthonyretro: Precisely
[11:04:37] anthonyretro: Since I have a tiny hard drive and no space left on it, yet again
[11:04:46] anthonyretro: I don't even understand downloading it
[11:05:07] anthonyretro: Too many places stream it now
[11:05:14] dracon332: it's just...
[11:05:28] dracon332: slightly frightening that it has this much power and influence
[11:05:34] dracon332: and it's not just a country
[11:05:37] dracon332: it's the whole damn world
[11:05:55] dracon332: this isn't a trend
[11:06:13] anthonyretro: My uncle once refused to get a computer because he knew that's how Satan would attack the world during the Tribulation
[11:06:25] anthonyretro: He got over that soon, though
[11:06:31] dracon332: heh
[11:06:33] dracon332: I mean
[11:06:39] dracon332: it's impossible to turn it down
[11:06:48] dracon332: while it is filled with sinful hedonism and terrible things
[11:06:59] anthonyretro: That's why it's impossible to turn down
[11:07:05] dracon332: True
[11:07:19] dracon332: and it gives the illusion of anonymity
[11:07:35] dracon332: so not only can you indulge yourself, but you can do it so no one ever knows.
[11:07:43] dracon332: secrecy
[11:07:45] dracon332: lies
[11:07:52] anthonyretro: Even more allure
[11:08:02] dracon332: It's really a frightening thing
[11:08:13] dracon332: is this going to stop me from waking up and turning on my computer every morning?
[11:08:14] dracon332: fuck no.
[11:08:25] dracon332: I'm a pawn just like the rest of us
[11:08:28] dracon332: and so are you.
[11:08:54] anthonyretro: I'm just happy I'm at least forthright of a person to start with comics as opposed to starting with porn
[11:09:11] dracon332: regardless of where you start
[11:09:19] anthonyretro: If every day started with porn, then I may have a problem
[11:09:31] dracon332: it's more than just porn though
[11:09:49] dracon332: it's the idea of one giant..."thing" if that's what you can call it
[11:09:57] dracon332: the internet is more than just a person or a place
[11:10:01] dracon332: more than a single thing
[11:10:10] dracon332: it's so many things working together
[11:10:17] dracon332: it's too large of a concept to grasp
[11:10:20] dracon332: yet
[11:10:23] dracon332: it's so controlling
[11:10:25] dracon332: so demanding
[11:10:32] anthonyretro: You can still call it a series of tubes, though
[11:10:42] dracon332: I snickered at that
[11:11:09] dracon332: What bothers me now isn't that I'm a blind follower
[11:11:27] dracon332: but that I have the same views as people devoted to their religions
[11:11:37] dracon332: they don't understand how you don't think the way they do
[11:11:44] dracon332: if someone told me "the internet is stupid"
[11:11:52] dracon332: I'd look at them like they lost their mind
[11:11:56] anthonyretro: Who would say such a thing?
[11:11:59] dracon332: exactly.
[11:12:05] dracon332: who would dare insult the internet
[11:12:17] dracon332: even though, y'know...parts of it are extremely stupid
[11:12:23] anthonyretro: I'm starting to see what you're saying
[11:12:39] anthonyretro: You're afraid the internet is become a God-like figure?
[11:12:49] dracon332: It is a God-like figure
[11:12:55] dracon332: it's already in our minds
[11:13:07] dracon332: we can't imagine turning away from it
[11:13:12] dracon332: we devote our days to it
[11:13:22] dracon332: we do in a way...worship the internet.
[11:13:36] anthonyretro: And it doesn't even have anything to do with our work personally
[11:13:46] anthonyretro: It will for me eventually
[11:13:57] anthonyretro: But it's taken every part of our personal lives
[11:14:04] dracon332: exactly.
[11:14:07] anthonyretro: And for many one earth, both personal and professional
[11:14:21] dracon332: precisely
[11:14:32] dracon332: that's a really scary thought.
[11:14:50] dracon332: and what's scarier is I just now thought of this as we discussed it
[11:14:56] dracon332: so we've been doing this for years
[11:14:59] dracon332: and not even realizing it
[11:15:59] anthonyretro: Still, why turn away from it?
[11:16:13] anthonyretro: The internet is a part of our day
[11:16:16] anthonyretro: Like wearing clothes
[11:16:22] dracon332: true
[11:16:24] anthonyretro: Like haircuts
[11:16:31] dracon332: we are not yet punished from turning from it
[11:16:36] dracon332: but what if we are
[11:16:46] dracon332: I mean
[11:16:58] dracon332: what if some day, you can only buy things online
[11:17:05] dracon332: or y'know
[11:17:09] dracon332: you can only be educated online
[11:17:14] dracon332: or something to that extent
[11:17:28] anthonyretro: There was always talk of that, but I can't ever believe it
[11:17:39] anthonyretro: You can't go grocery shopping online really
[11:17:45] dracon332: you can
[11:17:59] dracon332: you just have to trust someone elses judgement
[11:18:02] dracon332: which you do already
[11:18:07] anthonyretro: Not always
[11:18:09] dracon332: everytime you type a question in online
[11:18:20] dracon332: that's someone elses opinion you're reading
[11:18:41] anthonyretro: Yeah, but if I'm buying cantelope
[11:18:49] anthonyretro: I would still want to thump my own melon
[11:19:12] anthonyretro: Not that I buy cantaloupe
[11:19:15] anthonyretro: I hate melon
[11:19:48] dracon332: you love watermelon
[11:19:50] dracon332: ...nigger..
[11:20:25] dracon332: now
[11:20:37] dracon332: I'm not saying that we have to turn away from it
[11:21:11] dracon332: I'm just saying that we've conceded to a larger power
[11:21:42] dracon332: of course we feel comfortable with it
[11:21:51] dracon332: it's large, vast and incomprehensible
[11:22:08] dracon332: But I mean
[11:22:12] dracon332: you as a christian
[11:22:14] dracon332: should be wary
[11:22:24] dracon332: isn't that like the first commandment?
[11:22:51] anthonyretro: I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me
[11:23:03] dracon332: something along those lines yese
[11:23:05] dracon332: *yes
[11:23:06] dracon332: Now
[11:23:13] dracon332: I don't want you to feel bad or anything
[11:23:22] anthonyretro: Which I might be
[11:23:48] anthonyretro: Because I certainly just typed out the first commandment by memory in an instant message window right next to a porn video
[11:24:00] dracon332: wow
[11:24:11] dracon332: I just snorted really hard
[11:24:33] anthonyretro: Yeah, I think I'm going to take a little break from porn right now
[11:25:04] dracon332: Interesting.
[11:25:20] dracon332: I feel...I don't know what the word is
[11:25:27] dracon332: inspired?
[11:25:34] dracon332: I haven't thought like this in a long time.

...but I love the internet
and so do you.

Confoundit

I've been upset quite a bit recently.
For various reasons
And sometimes I write them down here
Annoyances if you will.
Things that irk the living crap out of you.
And it's not that you don't have the discipline to deal with it
Because that's exactly what you're doing
You're just tired of it.

I say "you"
But obviously I'm talking about myself here
You are irrelevant
...right now.
...and most other times

(I kid.)

I know I've made it obvious that we all have to do things in life
things that we like
things that we hate
things we don't give a shit about
things that don't give a shit about us
But things we have to do anyway.
And that's all fine and dandy.
Everyone knows they have to do things
They might not always know why
But they know they have to do things.
...mostly.

But what is it that makes something enjoyable
Or even...doable
...with less fuss?
Annoyance?
Problems?
People?
All of the above?
Yes.

Lets take something...simple
Like paying rent.
(Obviously I have a problem with this, which is why I'm using it as an example)
(Not really clever, I know, but who cares.)

I pay rent
I do.
I'm a dutiful tenant
and I like staying on the goodside of the person that owns the property.
...for the most part.
I don't understand why someone wouldn't pay rent
It seems like more hassle than it's worth really.
I get tired of people knocking on my door for pretty much anything
If they did it everyday? Oh we'd have issues.

I bring this up
Because where I live now
I have a habit of being asked or told that rent is needed
and it needs to be paid.

...well no shit.
cause clearly
I didn't know that.
I wasn't aware that after living in the same place for a year
I'd have to pay money
like I did last month
and the month before that
and the month after this one.

...I mean really
How many times do you have to tell someone something
-If- they've already been doing it.
I can understand repeating things to someone who doesn't ever seem to do
what it is they need to do
but I mean...really.

Now I could just be being petty
I know it's an obligation
that I need to blah blah blah blah
Who gives a shit.
I know what I have to do
Stop.
Just
Stop saying it.
You're annoying.
Just
Stop.
STOP.

Jesus.

This is why I used to throw my phone across the room.
Because of people
and the incessant noise.
Chatter chatter, bitch bitch bitch, cry, moan, whomp whomp.
I don't need it
I don't need to hear it
I don't want to
So stop.

...People talk too damn much.

Now I know
This is a bit...unusual for me
Anger isn't one of my favorite traits
Nor is bitchiness
But
Truth be told
I am an asshole and a good natured person at heart.
Just because
...It suits me.

The moral of todays story
If there is indeed one at all.
Is
...nothing.

I've got nothing
I don't know why people pester people
I don't know why the same things get asked over and over and over again
(until you want to break someone's face)
I've never known
and it's always annoyed the living shit out of me.

...but I'm wrong to ignore people
Which is something I don't understand.
If you don't like something
Or the situation
Or a certain person
You can't control that
What you can control is your reaction.
You don't have to get mad
Or throw chairs
Or curse them out
(although that's admittedly funnier)
You can remove yourself from the situation
Until you've calmed down
Or
until it stops being so...hectic.
But leave too long
And people get offended.

Why?
I don't know.
People are weird.

So
To all of us out there dealing with the same shit
Every fucking day
the nagging, the naysayers, the parents, the bullies
Whatever motherfucker it happens to be
I say
Shut it.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
I'm not dealing with it.
...Not right now, and not that way.
I don't care.

...
wow that was angry.
I don't think it suits me very well
or maybe it does
maybe I spend so much time avoiding anger because I know it so well.
Interesting thoughts.
But I am only human.
I'm still learning to deal with things.

...just on my own time
and my own watch
and in my own way.

...that's all you've got really.
You take what you make of it.
...and that's all I have to say about that.

Fear.

I'm faced with some decisions
...lately
not just right now
It's been a couple of months actually
I just tend not to think about them all the time
Because it makes my stomach feel...
...empty.

It's fear.
I know it is
And it...well, it sucks.
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the negative
Fear of....failure.
It's a lot of different things
But when it comes down to it
I'm just afraid.
Scared, even.

Why?
Because I'm human
And one of my natural impulses is to stay put
Where I know how to deal with things
But
Apparently I don't know how to deal with things
If I feel a change is in order.
It's a weird cycle.

I know I need to move
I don't need to pay so much money to live in a room
When I could be living somewhere nicer
...in an apartment.
I mean really...
...in this economy?
I know I need to get in school
Because I'm broke
and I can't afford $800 loan payments
(for a school that I hated.)
There are a lot of things that I need to do
That need to be done
That need to be dealt with.
But I'm stuck.
Paralyzed with fear.

Why?
I don't know.
What do I have to lose?
Really?
Nothing.
If I'm declined
I move along.
Or...
Maybe that's why I'm scared
I want so bad for something to happen
That if it doesn't
I'd feel crushed.
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated.
...it's a bit melodramatic, sure
But we all feel this way at some point or another.

So what do you do to deal with fear?
You can't really shun it
"I don't believe in fear"
...that doesn't really work for me.
Hell
I'm scared of bugs
Yea that's right
I said it
I'm scared of bugs.
So sue me.

...does that stop me from dealing with (read: killing) them?
No.
It startles me sometimes
But I still have to get the job done.

...have to.
There's a novel concept.
"Have To"
...
We do things in life because we Have To.
It's that simple.
Because we must
In order to live
to survive
to...be happy?
...in the long run, I suppose.

But
We Have To.
We eat...because We Have To
We drink...because We Have To
We shit...because We Have To.
We have sex...because it feels good...I mean...because We Have To (reproduce)
It's a daunting thing
A looming presence
A foreshadowing monster
That's always there
Always pressing
Pushing your nerves
Bustin' your chops
Forcing you to strive.

It's a compelling argument
...not initially though
But it always makes its way through
Always.
...Always.

Which makes you think
What is fear
Other than a means of distraction
From what you Have To do?
Interesting thoughts.
What purpose does it serve
Other than to stifle your progress?
It doesn't seem very beneficial
Unless you count the supposed Courage
that one acquires from "conquering" their fears
The affirmation that you could in fact complete your task
The affirmation that you are in fact a strong-willed person
The affirmation that fear was irrelevant.

...I don't know
That's too deep for me.
Let's keep it on the basic level.
Fear = bad.

that's pretty much it.
And now
Despite the heavy chains that seem to be weighing down my body
I have to call someone
...see
there it goes again
"Have To".

...damn.

Insomnia.

I can't sleep.
I'm aware that this is a growing problem in this generation.
With all these kids on Ritalin, Adderall, and various anti-depressants and whatnot.
Trust me
Adderall ain't no joke.
Like many misguided teenagers, I've had my run of various drugs
And Adderall was probably one I shouldn't have taken
But, curiosity gets to the best of us I suppose.
Would you like to hear about it?
I'm sure you would.

I had a friend some years ago
Well, we're still good friends
I just don't know if he ever found out
Well, anyway
He had some adderall pills
and his dad had a liquor cabinet
Not really a good combination for a reckless teenager.
I had no idea what adderall did, but I figured it was worth popping a couple
I mean, a pill's a pill, right?
I'd knocked back like 9 tylenol capsules just to be drowsy some nights
I lived through that
What could be worse?
Well.
Adderall is an amphetamine.
I have no idea what that means
I do know that it made me severely fucked up.
At first I just took one.
Nothing.
So I took another.
Still nothing.
No immediate effects, nothing gone wrong
So I figured my dosage must've been too low.
I took two more.
That's when the fun started.
I began to feel...focused.
Very very...focused.
I can't really describe what I was thinking at that point
Mostly because I don't think I was thinking at that point.
The only thing I became focused on was the video game on the screen
(It was God of War on God mode, by the way...also not a good combination.
There's nothing worse than being focused on something you can't beat, but won't ever give up on)
At some point I got up to pee
(I still don't remember exactly when)
And I decided
Hell, if that's what two more pills did
I wonder what two -more- pills would do
So I took them.
Yes...I took no less than 6 adderall pills within a 3 hour period.
Not one of my wisest choices
But I guess we have to learn things the hard way.

I'm not very good with descriptions
But just imagine...being focused on something
Focused to hard that you can't quit even if you want to
Quitting itself doesn't even cross your mind
There is no quit
There is no finish
It just goes on and on and on
Focused on one thing
With super intensity.
Forgoing hunger, sleepiness, thirst and awareness of your surroundings
To be
Completely
There.

That's all there is.

Just being there
And doing that task.

Now, in some branches of religion
That might not necessarily be a bad thing
But you have to eat at some point, right?
Not on adderall you don't.
Your body is like "food? f-o-o-d? I've never heard of this, Shut Up and get back to work."
It's not very nice about it.

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night
Or the night after that.
In fact, I almost blacked out trying to wash some clothes later that day
That was very interesting...

We ordered pizza
And I couldn't touch it
Like...I couldn't even eat a sausage
My jaw hurt.
My face hurt.
My body hurt.
My mind hurt.
I hurt.

...that, and my stomach felt like it was being devoured by its own acid for about a week and half.
Like I said...not one of my wisest choices.


...
Why'd I bring up this story?
No real reason, of course.
I just found myself unable to sleep this morning.
And my insomnia sometimes causes me to reminisce.
Let's not misunderstand now
I don't suffer from insomnia often
Just usually when I have a guilty conscience, stress, or too much caffeine.
You know, the usual things.

...
What was learned?
Don't take 6 adderall pills in a row
Obviously.
Sometimes you just have to experiment.
That's just how it is.
You'll never know if you never try.

Now you've got to be saying
"You damn near killed yourself, why would you do that?"
Because I was curious.
Curiosity is in our nature.
There's no point avoiding it
It's who we are
It's what we do.
To a fault, yes.
Nonetheless, it is what it means to be human
Or even an animal
Just to be a sentient being capable of thought
Provokes curiosity.

And like I said
You'll never know the answers
If you never experiment.
...and you won't always be smart about it.

Caguama.

Sometimes
I look at this blog
And have this moment where I feel...
...burdened.
If that's the word.
A sort of...obligation if you will
Like this an object on the never ending "To-Do" list.
I guess it sort of is.
If I didn't make myself write
I'd probably never do it.
And it's important to
Because I said so.
Whatever sense that makes.

Obligations
We have them
We don't want them.
Well...sometimes we do
But only for a limited time
Only when its...convenient.
Which is against the very nature of an obligation.
They're never...convenient.
They just...are.
And they must be dealt with.
Why?
Because we have to.
Why?
Because we must.
Why?
Because there's nothing else.

It's that simple
If we didn't have obligations then we'd have nothing at all
No structure
No core
No sense of being
...in some senses.

People think to that to be free of obligations it what it means
to be free.
But is that true?
If you don't have anything to do
Don't you wish you did?
And when you do
...aren't you glad?
Just a little.
A smidgeon.
A bit.
Yes.

I know I need things to do
It gives me a sense of purpose
A sense of...being alive if you will
A sense of belonging.
And that is something you can't just buy at the store.
Well...maybe you can, I haven't really looked that hard.
I don't really look hard for much.
It's one of my...better...yet worse qualities.
It's funny how those exist, no?
Best and Worst qualities...that are exactly the same.
Makes you wonder.
Life makes you wonder.
People make you wonder.
Wondering...makes you wonder
...sometimes.

What was I saying?
I don't even know.
I think I have to go do something.
I'm sure I do.
I'm sure you do too.

Walking on graves.

Wasps.
I fucking hate them.

I'm aware that it's unusual of me to be so...
...vocal.
But I do
I hate wasps with passion.
For that matter, I dislike most bugs.
They crawl everywhere
Unexpected
Unannounced
Unseen
Untouched
Invasive
Demanding
Stealing
Pestering.

All of these things.
Yet...they're also a part of nature.
So...
Can I really hate them?
...yes, yes I can.
It's a personal thing.
Insects make my skin crawl with unease
Like the feeling of someone walking on your grave.
I tend to spasm from time to time
And become slightly nauseated.

Why?
Why do I react that way?
I don't really know.
Honestly, most bugs aren't that harmful
Just...invasive.
...extremely invasive.
Bee stings aren't really comparable to say...kidney stones
But they still sting like a bitch.
Unexpectedly.

And why?
Because the bee feels you're encroaching on its territory
...-you- are encroaching on -its- territory.
...What?
Are you serious?

Why all the territorial issues anyway
To raise a family safely?
Could I argue that I'm attempting to do the same thing
And they are in fact encroaching upon my territory?
Is it self-defense?
Or is it selfishness?

Why am I so concerned?
Bees are bees
Birds are birds
Dogs are dogs
People are people.

Yet...we do not live in harmony.
And who is to blame?
We both desire peace and solitude
Yet...we have no means to reach said agreement.
Surely there is more to this than Attack or Be Attacked.
Is that the real name of the game?
Miscommunication leads to such things.
So how does one overcome it?
Or do you at all?

If I continue to let a wasps nest fester
I will be in danger
If I destroy the nest
The eggs are in danger
...

It just doesn't seem right.
But I do know this
If I get stung, I'd be really really fucking pissed.

...Or Death and All His Friends.

Coldplay has a new album.
Not that you care
But I do.

"Viva La Vida"
is a wonderful song in my opinion
Though I may not understand all of it
I find it...endearing (if that's the word, if not...then it doesn't matter anyway)
whenever I hear the line
"...but that was when I ruled the world."

That is just...an incredible concept.
Maybe I'm weird
Scratch that, I am weird.
But
Be damned if I didn't used to rule the world.
Whether it be in another dimension or another time
I ruled the world.
And it was glorious.

Imagine if you did used to rule the world
But now you're reincarnated as someone else
Living your everyday life
But deep in your heart
You are King.
(Or Queen.)

I think we all feel that way at some point or another
And why not?
What's wrong with that.
I mean, granted we can't all be kings at once
there'd be no one left to rule.
But, time spans over eternity
I'm sure it's possible.
Because I said so.

I'll be honest
That song inspires me.
Not to try and become king
(...In this economy?!)
but to write a song.
See...I play guitar...sort of.
Been playing for a year now (mostly)
I'm sure this is not a surprise
And if it is, you must not get out much.
But I fear I lack the inspirational and creative qualities that make music great.
I know I know
Music isn't about greatness
It's about expressing emotion
Or
As someone once said

"The Guitar is the human soul sending a messge through only six strings..."
-Eddie (BECK - Mongolian Chop Squad, Anime)

Whether or not you believe that is completely up to you.
But to create such music
Such...melody
Such harmony
Is beyond me
Or at least, that's how I feel.

If someday I could harness half of what I feel
Half of what I hear
Half of what I taste
Half of what I touch
Then maybe...

Hmm.

This ended up more as a rant than prolific sayings.
Which...is acceptable, I suppose.
Who's checking, honestly.

"Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world."

Pain.

I have an ingrown hair.
It hurts.
It is painful.

It's not that I can't handle pain
We all have a certain amount of pain to deal with in life.
Whether it be disappointment or getting punched in the eye
Pain is pain
There is no escaping it
Only accepting it.

Shit is going to happen
That's just the way it is
The sooner you come to grips with that
The less likely you'll be to complain about it later.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to complain
I'm just saying that no one wants to hear it.
As if we all don't have enough problems as it is.

An ingrown hair
How inconvenient
It's unbearably painful at times
But I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned here
what that lesson is...well, that has yet to be determined.

So what do I do?
Do I pop it?
Do I let it continue to age?
Do I just wait until it naturally heals itself?
Who is to say?
Which is the right action?
I don't know
Do you?

The universe is large, weird, and unknown
Maybe this hair has a purpose in my life
maybe it has something to teach me
I doubt it, of course
but one must always keep an open mind
always.

Seriously
Open minds are the gateway to anything.
Enlightenment, Knowledge, Self-Cleansing
Open minds are the key to it all.
Including Sexuality
But of course
Another topic for another day.

So how does one deal with pain?
Through anger?
Through sadness and grief?
Through ignorance?
Through stupidity?
Who is to say?
Mayhaps it's a combination of different things
Or maybe it's just focusing on something else until the pain goes away.
In the end, it's really up to you.
Do you deal with pain, or do you try to ignore it?

...is that a wise decision?

Potatoes.

You know that feeling you get from scratching the right spot?
It feels good doesn't it?
Really, really, unnecessarily good.
I wonder why that is?

I recently got my haircut
trust me, it was long overdue
so now I have little-to-no-hair
but if feels so good when I rub the back of my head
it's like finding the right spot to scratch.

Oftentimes, I wonder why exactly we were given such capacity to enjoy simple things
I mean, really simple things.
The smallest things in your day may make you smile
It could be putting your feet up after a long day of work
Or watching someone that isn't you get harassed on the train.
Hey, I said I didn't judge.

I just wonder why we were given the...chemicals if you will to enjoy things.
Most people call them endorphins
I don't know what that means
but I look at it and I think "dolphins"
Wait...you think it's possible...
...no, it can't be...
Engrish?

...Nevermind.
Anyway, yes, endorphins
Do all animals have them
And if so, do they affect them in the same way that it does us?
the mind creates thousands of pleasurable responses to any given sensation
But are we the only creatures to enjoy it?

Or were we given them because life is meant to be hard?
Let's say Karma has destined life for humans to be difficult
So in return we were given the capacity to find solace in small things.
I'm not entirely sure how that works
but hey, whatever gets the universe moving, I suppose.

I'm tired, I feel like taking a nap.

Lip Crumbs

Steel Reserve
Triple Export.

This is the beer I buy every day when I finish with work
Why?
Well, I have a few reasons.
One being that it's insanely cheap
$1+change for 24 ounces of beer.
Two being that's conveniently located right next to my job
Three being I don't have a local bar to goto
And lastly, because at some point I figure they'll get used to be being there
So they'll stop asking me for ID.

Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely flattered to show my ID.
It's something I looked forward to for roughly 6 years.

But why bring up the subject of beers?
No real reason.
I drink beer because it calms my body after walking around so much
From the train, back to the train, onto another train, yada yada and so forth.
It's like
Instant sleeping pill
Only, it doesn't hurt my through
Or threaten to injure small children.

I find it funny that giving small children beer is a natural thing.
There's something to be said about that.
I don't know what
But there's something to be said.

I think what I mean to say today is that
Find what you do to relax yourself
Whether it be in cheap beers
Or counting ceiling tiles
Because life gets hard
And it never gets easier.
You just have to learn to deal with it in your own way.
Not saying that alcoholism is that way
But to each his own.

Perhaps I should make one thing clear about this blog
It's on my conscience, ergo, I must say it.
I have no intention of telling or showing anyone how to do anything
It's simply a personal discovery of my own intellectual morals
Through my (mostly) daily writings, I hope to find lessons and morals to live by.
Pointing out the bad, reveling in the good
It's all a part of the deal.
When everything is said and done
I go to sleep each night feeling like I learned something new.
And that, is a feeling that you can't find just anywhere.

Now, as I digress into inaudible slurs
It's probably about time that I goto sleep.
Because I have to work tomorrow
And I want my cheap beer.

Airate.

So
What do we discuss this time?
And yes, I do say "we"
Not because I'm talking to anyone specifically
But more of...a collective "we"
I'm not entirely sure if that includes my conscience
Or maybe I do have a voice in my head
Perhaps I suffer from schizophrenia.
I doubt it though.

But
What is schizophrenia really?
I've always understood it to be
The condition in which
You listen and/or talk to voices in your head
That aren't necessarily yours.
But if they're in -your- head
Why aren't they yours?
Because they don't sound like you?
What? You can't change the pitch of your own voice?
I mean really now.
As long as you can perceive the sound
you can create it.
If you were hearing frequencies that only dogs can hear
well...then you'd probably be a dog.

Conversing with these voices is considered insane
Again, when you could just be talking to yourself
And if you are
What's wrong with that?
I happen to think I'm a rather amusing person.
Even if no one else happens to think so at the time.
Who else do you really have to rely on in troubled times?
Yourself?
Yet, it's considered insane.
Who else thinks about the exact same things that you do?
No one?
Yourself?
Yet, it's considered insane.

It's been said that Christians are schizophrenic because they talk to "God"
"God" being an formless entity that "tells them what to do"
Or at least gives them a sense that someone is listening.
Is that true?
Are Christians really schizophrenic?
Or are they tuned with supernatural?
Or are they really just talking to themselves and finding solace?
No one really knows.
Who is to say that they know?
I bet they asked themselves about it.

Can you really label someone as schizophrenic if you have to ask yourself about their condition?
And if you don't ask yourself, can you really trust someone else's opinions?
People can be wrong, you know.
People are often wrong.
So again, I must ask

...is it wrong to talk to yourself?

Kist onme Mingg

I have issues.

Piganosis.

I have no topic for the day.
I would apologize
But no one really cares that much.

So lets see.
Today I went the Decatur Arts Festival...in Decatur.
I don't know what to tell you
It had people...selling art.
That's about it.
Oh, and funnel cakes.
Everyone loves funnel cakes, right?
You know what sucks though?
When you can't afford a funnel cake.

Have you ever been that kid?
I have.
You know, the one who sits watching everyone else eat?
But if you ask them about it, they tend to shy away from the question?
It's not because I don't want your food
It's because I don't want to look poor.
Being poor is depressing on it's own
Having other people -know- you're poor?
Well that's just downright terrible.
Perhaps, I have too much pride
Which I'm told is the downfall of many a man
Perhaps I just don't accept charity
Why the hell would I not?
I must be strange.
Whatever the case is
If you find a kid alone with no food
Just leave something there
They'll eat it if they're hungry
But probably not while you're staring them in the face.
...it's kinda rude.
Trust me, they're more than grateful for it.

I perpetually feel indebted to people
Anytime someone does something for me
I must do something in return
I think I have a guilty conscience.
Scratch that, I know I have a damn guilty conscience
That's the only kind of conscience I've ever known.
That can be taken any way you'd like to take it.
I've spent majority of my life trying to atone for each stupid mistake I make
And it's never enough
...never.

Sometimes I wonder if God himself could absolve me of these feelings.
Then again, I wonder a lot of things about God.
But that sounds like a topic
Which I don't have
Therefore, I cannot write about it today.

So exactly what is the lesson that I've learned for the day?
Feed the poor?
Give to the needy?
Learn to spend money wisely?
I have no idea.

...what if...
I have learned anything at all?
...is that even possible?
No?
Didn't think so.
Goodnight.