Dig

Therapy.

Why not?

What's wrong with therapy?

It's not like it's bad
It's helped a lot of people.
Some people go to marriage counselors
Some people seek therapy to deal with problems
And it's better that they do.
Consider all the things that happen if they don't.
So again I ask, what's wrong with therapy?

Firstly, you ask yourself
"Well why do I need it?"
And if you actually find an answer
(or if someone tells you one)
You move to the next step.

Do I need therapy?
No.
I don't need anything except water, air and nourishment.
And that's only to function.
I don't need it
but I am considering it.

But why?
Is there something wrong with me?
Not particularly
Not that I'm aware of
Then, why?
Because I think I need it.

These are the questions I have been asking myself
And these are the answers that I have given.
Therapy is seen as an objective, sometimes professional view
on your situations in life
or whatever it is that you choose to discuss.

I suppose like anyone else
I have my misgivings
I mean
It's still for "crazy people" right?
Isn't that what we all think?

Except of course the people that have actually been.

I have been to therapy once
It was a while ago
My mother thought I should meet one.
Probably because I was acting out or something
I don't really recall.

What happened, you ask?
Well, my therapist had some choice words with my mother
(and yes, he was totally on my side)
And we didn't go back.

I always wondered about that
I never asked her though
Maybe someday I will.

I do feel sad about it.
I feel like it's admitting a weakness
partially
which in turn
hurts my pride.

But y'know
my pride gets hurt a lot
for one reason or another
and its usually my fault.

I am just human
You're just human
we're all just people
and we all just want to be understood.


...and we're all looking for answers.

Poems...possibly angsty.

I ran out of pages in my journal.
I need a new one.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this one.
Toss it in a book pile somewhere?
But
before I do
I will share
the (possibly angsty) "poems"
I have written
from my book.

-----------------
These tears that
I swear aren't mine
come from a place that
I don't know.
But I feel the weight
in my chest
The scorching warmth
in my eyes

I don't know why they
chose me
why through
my face must they fall

It is through them that
I feel sadness
my solitude and my fears


But I did not call them here.

-----------------
This is not my book
I'm sorry I took it
I'm sorry I need it
I'm sorry I don't know what to say.

This isn't my book
But these are my words
My feelings, my confusion
my stream of consciousness.

Forgive me.
------------------
(This one even I consider angsty)

I am a monster
a demon
a child of wrath & scorn

I am a man
a sinner
a tool of work & toil

I am a boy
alone
and I'm afraid of the night

I am a twist
a swirl
a blend of wrong and right

I am unknown to myself
But still a whole part
A mystery, an enigma
But one I can't live without.
--------------
(Continued angsty)

I speak to myself
I speak for my regret
I speak of my wrongs
I speak to forget

What am I?
Who am I?
What have I become?

Am I a man?
Or a monster?
Or have the two become one?

Hate me, scorn me
Beat me, kick me, shove me.
Burn me, cut me
But don't tell me that you love me.
-----------------
(I gave you fair warning
It's almost over
This one I don't find angsty at all)

I've seen
so many
beautiful women
today.

I've seen
so many things
to make
my heart sway

I saw a girl
that I thought left before
But as I watched
her leave 5 stops later
I thought
What was I waiting for?

She had
all the right
features
long hair
pretty fingers

And she walked
with a sway
that said fun
beyond bleachers

So I wish
I had spoken
Instead of sitting
here now
Writing out
all these feelings

At a bar
rather dim
on a small
piece of paper
Are the words
never told
to my friends
or to strangers

Just this book showing me
That unless I learn to act
That I will always be carrying
it around
in my back.

-----------
(Last one, I promise)

Caught in my daytime reverie
I remember you there with me
As we sat on grey step benches
with open fields and baseball fences

I remember the way you smiled
And I wanted to stay there awhile
In that place where we once roamed
so very far away from home

I remember you taught card tricks
and I knew, but to shy to ask
But then again you taught me anyway.
[unfinished]

------------

That's it.
Painful to read, I'm sure.
But
I told myself I would no longer be ashamed of my writing.
I have to let it live.
And so I will.
And I will continue to write
(soon as a find a new book)
And hope that it gets better.

strings

There is something
on the tip of my mind
the tip of my tongue
the tip of...my penis?
Well, that could be lint.
I digress.

I often scour the internet when I'm feeling particularly
puzzled
about polyamory
and what it means
what it means to me
what it means to Baby
what it means to That Guy.
What it means to people.
In general.

I take a look at both positive and negative views
And see how I feel
See if I can...how you say, relate.
I do, and I don't.
Like everyone else.
No one's story is ever the same.
And I am not different
but I am...different.

I read Laurell K. Hamilton's books
about Anita Blake
the Vampire Hunter
Not just because it's about Vampires and Shapeshifters
and the Preternatual.
(Yes, I had to look that word up too.)
Or because it's a bit erotic sometimes
(read: anything past book 8(?), and you're just waiting for it)
But also because
the main character, Anita Blake
is involved with a lot of different men
Trying to...and dealing with these new relationships
and old ones.
How they change, how the grow, or how they fail.
I find it very interesting, intriguing if you will
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't looking for answers of my own.
But that's why I continue to read.
Sometimes I find new understanding
Sometimes I'm left feeling upset
and sometimes I'm just downright confused.
(Which I often am, so it's really not all that different)

But there are times, as I said when I scour the internet
to find my answers
or to help me ask the questions I need
for the answers I already have.
I cannot yet say if my reactions are positive or negative
Because truly, it is a blend of both and neither.
It's a very rugged, twisting, sliding, scary, yet exhilarating path
to self discovery.
What have I discovered?
I don't know.
I'm still finding out.
Perhaps I'll always be finding out.
Perhaps I'll never find out.
But the point of a journey is to get somewhere.
Now what you do along the way,
That's something completely different.

I find that in looking for...stories, or guidance
I seem to run into more articles written by women
Moreover...women with a very similar attitude.
Which isn't a bad thing
Just leaves me with more questions
...for myself.
I mean, I'm grateful to learn how some people may think of these things
But I for one
feel as though
as I said
I am different.

I searched facebook for a poly group
and found one
read an article or two
learned some new things
but then
I looked at the wall
And people spoke of hookups
(which is expected)
and joining other groups to make it
...more...accessible to the public?

And I realize in looking at this
That I don't care about that.
I find that in searching for answers in groups
or gatherings
I am often deeply uninterested in what the crowd has to say
I'm often looking for an answer
or at least
a good story.

I want to find what it is that I'm searching for.
What am I searching for?
Understanding.
Not so much understanding of other people
Because everyone is entitled to their own actions
I have no problems with that
(as long as you learn to accept your responsibilities)
But
I'm searching for understanding
within my self.
Accepting
within my self.

Surely
there are times when I feel alone in it.
But that's the path I chose to walk.
Because
for the most part
I really don't care what else is going on
I came for a purpose
I will leave with a purpose.
I just forget
that I am not designed to be alone always.

So what do I do?
I continue.
I don't have to like it.
I may learn to someday
but I don't have to.
And the choice is what makes it important.

I am also searching
for a different relationship of my own
But as I've said in previous posts
I'm not entirely sure what that means.
So I have difficulty.
I'm aware (vaguely) that it has to do with following your feelings
or your...attraction, your heart or whatever you want to call it.
But as I said in parenthesis
It's very vague to me.

I do not know how to woo
to seduce
or even how to flirt really.
Not that I particularly care to.
But I am interested in learning.

For everytime
she takes a phone call
and I will myself to leave the room
I must find
something
to do.

And this is where my problem lies.
Not within the actions
not within those involved
but within
myself.
I
must find
something
to do.

I am angry.

Last Night
I talked
Not for hours
But consecutive minutes, sure.
I spoke of feelings
Thoughts
Streams of consciousness
And shallow things on the top of my head
I awoke this morning
With seething hatred
Well, not seething
but a hatred to be sure.

"What kind of man allows his woman to take another lover?"
A question I've asked myself a million times
and apparently a million times more.
To this I still have no answer.
A foolish man?
A wise man?
A naive man?
A man trying to fit into a mold?
A man trying to understand his place?
A man that doesn't know much?
An ignorant man?
A happy man?
Or just a confused one?
Again
No answers.

I feel so much...resentment and bitterness
Because
it's slow-boiling.
If it were just once or twice
I could live
But it continues to...thrive
to fester deep within me
growing with each passing day
like an ulcer, a cancer
a sickeness
What is my cure?
What is my illness?
What am I doing?
I don't know.

"Do you think you need to talk to a therapist?"
she asks.
No.
I feel like that has nothing to do with anything.
I feel like I should be able to talk to
the person whose job...no, whose obligation? No, that's not it either
Whose...responsibi...no that's not right
It's no one's duty in life to listen to me.
But some people do have that choice.

I have a lot of anger
perhaps misguided
misdirected even
at the Other.
We know this
It is proven and documented fact.
But consistently I am faced with the question of
"Am I wrong?"
With no answers.
No...clue.
So I tunnel deeper within my own psyche
to unravel myself
and post new definitions of things
so I don't have to feel so bad.

But I do feel bad.
To say anything else would be a lie.
I feel quite bad
On days that I think about it.
On days that apparently I walk in on the wrong conversations.
On days when I am forced to question my own living habits.
Just how much privacy is required for two people?
For one person?
and again
Am I wrong?
Am I a fool?
Or have a stumbled onto something great
with myself holding me back
from understanding?

Of course I have my misgivings
Maybe I need a change in perspective
Maybe I just need more time
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about
Maybe I'm a fool
Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills

But I know that I'm bitter.
I'm bitter in general
because I strongly dislike people.
I can't say this is helping that opinion by the way.

I don't know where I need to be
I don't know what I need to be
I don't know when I need to be
I don't know anything
except the pit of feelings that stirs
Particularly if I see
Things.
I leave Things loosely defined
because thinking about it makes me sad.

Sometimes it comes back to me
and I think of how I feel about myself
Its not always negative
Not always positive
Not always neutral either.
But I also feel independent of myself sometimes
as if my shadow and I split in two
and I could stand next to my own image
Who's the real me?
What are we both thinking?
If I look up will he?
Will he because he's my shadow
My image
or Will he because he knows to look?

I don't even know who I'm mad at.
Me?
You?
Him?
Them?
All? Probably.

Never the two shall mix.

Oil and Water,
Oil and Water.
Never the two shall mix.

I've been sitting on this little ditty for a couple of days now.
While it may not actually be a song
(I honestly haven't a clue if it is)
I feel like it is
And that's what counts.

The origins of this lie in a conversation I had with my
...well sometimes I really don't know what to call her.
Which is of course part of my problem, but we'll go into that another time.
Let's use Significant Other for the time being
(I don't particularly care for that phrase, it sounds too formal)
I can't use Lover for reasons I did not choose
Nor can I use Girlfriend
I haven't a marriage license neither, so I can't say Wife.
Mate? Better Half? I really don't have a word for it right now
Perhaps one day, but not today.

Also before I continue, I was experimenting with Gin a few moments ago
It's such a difficult taste to place.
I have an affinity to sweet things
And Gin is most certainly not sweet.
I've always seen it as the bitterness in say, a Long Island.
Sure there are people that drink Proper Martinis
(Yes I did capitalize that, Vodka Martinis don't seem as...genuine to me)
But I am not one of those people.
Point is, Gin is hard to match in taste.
It has a very peppery taste, and it lingers with you.
Yes, yes, I know, -proper- Gin should do no such thing
But guess what? I'm broke
So I have the cheap shit.
I think it takes a bit of creativity to make cheap shit not taste bad.
Anyway, I'm sitting here now with my drink.
I'm still working on it
As I'm not entirely sure of the taste
But I don't feel the battering ram of Gin in my mouth as I sip,
That is most certainly an improvement.

Regular/Plastic Tumbler Cup/Glass
Fill with Ice
3/4 oz - Gin
3/4 oz - Triple Sec
Fill with Strawberry Soda

Something about the strawberry negates the fiery pepper in my mouth.
I don't particularly care to eat strawberries, but I enjoy strawberry flavored things...sometimes.
It has a bit of an awkward taste to me, but I guess that's why this works.
Or maybe it doesn't...I'll see when I sober up a bit.

Where was I?
Ah, right, Oil and Water.
Because lately, if you couldn't already tell, I've been feeling a bit depressed
I've been trying to nail down exactly why that is
But I doubt I'll ever actually figure it out
But it doesn't hurt to try.
I was talking to my SO, also known as Baby
And against my better judgement I found myself talking about our relationship
Or rather...the Polyamorous aspect of our relationship.
The more I think about it, the more I realize it doesn't ever actually go away.
I'm always going to be thinking about it one way or another.
Still battling myself and my thoughts and feelings.
Still beating myself up (sometimes unnecessarily)
Still trying to figure everything out.
There is no easy way through this for me
There's no book of answers that I can turn to
Hell, there's really no one I feel I can talk to about it most times.
Not because I don't feel people will listen
But rather because I don't feel its worth mentioning to anyone.
Yes, even to you Baby (I know you read this)
I refuse to take time out of someone else's day to figure my own shit out.
That is not acceptable.
Now, before I get upset, let me continue from before.

Amongst the other things we discussed, at some point the thought crossed my mind to ask her
"What is he to you?"
She took some time to think about it
Then gave me an answer.
The analogy she used that I feel best describes it
Is that he and I are like Oil and Water
He, being the oil
I, being the water.

I thought about this for a while, holding on to it
I don't want to let it slip, it feels like such a good...explanation.
There's much meaning behind it to me and probably to her as well.
Oil and Water are different yet oddly similar.
They are both fluid, both real, both adapting and changing to fit the space they are in
But also very very different.
Oil is flammable, dangerous, and versatile
Water is soothing, essential and endless.
She also talked of us being similar to that of Chaos and Order
Chaos is ever changing, ever unsure, ever alluring
Order is structured, safe, and just...there.
Two opposite sides of a coin
But both are there
They exist independently of each other
But they are both means of existence.

A very, grand, broad way of describing it, yes
But without going into so many details
I find it to be a very interesting analogy.
I can certainly see why both sides would have their ups and downs
And certainly the allure of having both.
After all, would you rather have:
A bonfire,
A cold shower,
Or a warm jacuzzi?

I won't deny that I have mixed feelings about it.
While it is a good explanation, that doesn't mean I don't still have not-so-nice thoughts lurking around.
Really, I just don't know what to think sometimes.
Or most times.
I can't say that I'm lost
But rather that I'm wading through mud and I don't see a way out of the marsh
It does exist, yes
It is ahead of me, yes
But I haven't the slightest damn clue how long it's going to take to get there.
And sometimes I really do just want to give up
Anyone would.
It's heavy, it's thick and it doesn't want to let up.
I guess I forget that I'm supposed to be looking for little things
Like a clearing, or a patch of sunlight.
It gets hard to think about these things when you're heavy all the time.
It's no one's fault though.
I make the decisions I do.
This is my life, after all.

...It's not as heavy as it used to be though.

Murakami

I moved
And I work more
That's why.
Well, that's part of the reason why.
I never know what to do to change my place in the world sometimes.
I don't write because I don't feel anything worth writing about.
I don't update statuses because I don't feel its anything worth updating
And apparently I don't type correctly anymore
It took me like a whole minute to spell "statuses" correctly
(Hah! only 10 seconds that time)

it's not that i don't know how to spell the word
my fingers just didn't want to respond correctly.
Much like now, I've been making a hideous amount of spelling mistakes
For no apparent reason.

What was I talking about?
Nothing of consequence I'm sure.
Not that it should be of consequence
People take shit way to seriously
Like all the time
But
Lets not get into that
I have been filled with seething rage for people in the last few weeks
And this is not the place to air all of my frustrations.

Murakami is a great writer.
Everyone says I don't read
Or rather I can't read
Because it's true
I can't
I find myself unable to get through most books
I fall asleep, I read the same lines over and over again
It's just...uninteresting to me
But
Murakami's novels completely throw that out of the window
I don't know why
They just do.
Maybe it's the subtle sex that he throws in there
maybe its the obvious...well, I don't know whats obvious
He's just good.

I'm not here to polish his balls or anything
I just got done taking a shit
and I happened to be reading his book while doing so
So it's the last thing on my mind.

Unless of course, you'd rather I talk about my shit.
I doubt that
I don't even wanna talk about my shit
It's...shit.
Poo.
Fecal Matter.
Movement of my bowels.
We get the point.
Junkman's Daughter even has a book about it
It's called "Everybody Poops"
Original, yes?
(Fantastic Read, bee tee dub)

I am interested in Twitter.
I don't know why.
I find myself compelled to try all the social networks
The thing is
I really can't stand people though.
I don't get it myself
I work at a job where I am required to meet new people every single day
And to make it worse, they get to treat me however they want
(Mostly)
Yet
I keep going back.
I don't particularly understand why people are so fond of me
Well, that may be a lie
I know exactly why people are fond of me
Because I feed you the bullshit you want to hear.
Because I know you
And you know I know you.
Because I at least pretend to listen
Because I'm a genuinely nice guy.

But I really hate you.
Maybe not you specifically
You might have traits that I like
Or maybe you don't
You're never quite sure
But I'm still a nice guy.

I could've sworn I said this wasn't the place for this little excerpt
But apparently it is.
I don't know.

I've been feeling a lot of self-doubt lately
A loss of self
and a general depression
Not entirely sure why
(I can tell it's depression because my libido is fucked up)
(It's sad when you have to make yourself masturbate)

Life gets like that sometimes.
Not entirely sure what to do about.
Not sure if there's something I can do about it.
Then again, I'm never really sure of anything
So it's not entirely different.

I won't say that things will work out for the best
I will say however that things will work out.
Because they do.

So as I sit here inevitably pushing myself deeper into Alcoholism
(I really wish people would stop giving it a bad reputation)
(I wear the title of "Alcoholic" proudly because to me it represents someone
that simply enjoys the consumption and taste of various forms of alcohol)
(Like a Foodie, only with less fetishism)
I do the normal
Pondering my existence, questioning the meaning of life, so on and so forth
And this will undoubtedly reflect here because this is where I go when I feel like writing.
So we'll see.
I'm sure I'll update within the next few days
And then probably not for weeks.
Probably.

For many years I have considered myself a Taoist.
I've read my fair share of books
Literal interpretations
I've meditated
I've done many things to further my understanding
or rather, drop my knowledge
To embrace the Tao and what it means.

I'm sure I will always be a taoist
In the way that I interpret it to be
But I will admit it has been a while since I've done any sort of
Self-Awareness techniques.
With all that has been going on in my life in the past few years
I find myself not with a lack of time
but a lack of effort.
We've already established that I am chronically lazy
But I should be able to factor that in.
That's not to say that I have abandoned my beliefs.
No no, far from it.
I will always believe that Life is meant to happen
And that we can not hope to control circumstance
but rather to embrace it and move forward.

I do not repel God or any other deity, they're all respectable and powerful.

I sit here trying to justify myself because recently a book was delivered to my house.
And though I am not the owner of said book, I find myself compelled to read it.
Which I find very odd for myself.
Not because I don't like to read
I'm not illiterate, you know
(despite the popular belief)
But rather because this book is written by a man who's other books are entitled
"Full Catastrophe Living"
and "Coming to our Senses"
And the back of the cover talks about how it's sold over 750,000 copies
and various other bits of useless information.
That's a bit of a turn-off to me.
I do enjoy good, enlightening literature
But I abhor when it's overplayed or overhyped.
Yet, again, I find myself compelled to read this book.
Why? Because it talks of Mindfulness Meditation.
A somewhat Buddhist perspective on how to pay attention to the moments that you're in
And how to live and accept that these moments are what you live for.

I find this a very compelling subject.
And the thought occurred to me
Maybe it's time that I lift myself of what I thought I knew
and discover new meanings.
Maybe I should explore the ideals of Buddhism and the many other eastern religions that have managed to stay around for all these years.
Perhaps I should compare
Perhaps I should explore
I feel that I need to.

My life has required that I have patience
And that is something that I've learned
I've also learned the value of inaction
Or Not-Doing.
But perhaps it's time for me to discover the bounty of
Acting
Living
Embracing the moment for what it is.
I've certainly had my fair share of opportunities
And I know there are only more to come
But often I left fear of the unknown rule me
Just like everyone else.
But it is my desire to not be like everyone else.
I am not everyone else
I am a person
With a name
and a history
and my own way of life.
I will continue to live and blaze my own paths.

Which brings to mind the title of this book
"Wherever you go, there you are."

I am in love with the simplicity of the title.
I am in love with simplicity.
Love is simplicity
Love is simple.
I am simple.

Polyamorous Saga (II)

Let me start off by saying
Dragonball: Evolution
was absolutely terrible.
Sorry, but it just was.
But it's the kind of terrible
That you walk into knowing it's going to be bad
It met the level of failure it was supposed to meet.
Didn't pass it, didn't fall short of it
Right on the mark of terrible movie.
I don't know whether to applaud that
or be disgusted.

Anyway
I'm tired
So don't expect this one to be as long
or as detailed as my previous one.
I can't promise the next one or the one after that will be long either
But I feel like it's better than writing nothing at all.

I don't remember where I left off, so I'll just talk about something different.
Same subject, I'm still dealing with polyamory as I view it
and putting it into practical application.

I find myself dealing with surges of jealousy and sadness sometimes
I don't know whether it's because of my nature
or the way I was raised
or if I'm being irrational
or if I'm being normal
I really don't know.
Whatever the case is, it's not something I am pleased with.

Even as I write this entry, I'm not sure whether what I think
is because I'm afraid, or if I'm trying to rationalize
As far as I can tell, there's no line at this point.
I'm not sure whether the things I want to say
helping me expand my views
or just me being crotchety and unbending.
It's hard to say.

I've been thinking a lot
and subsequently drinking a lot as well.
I really don't care if that offends you
I like to drink.

While sipping on some random concoction I made
(I think it was rum, tequila, triple sec, gin, vodka, splash of bitters, apple juice and Hawaiian punch)
(just taking a guess there.)
(Not a good mixture by the way, I swear sometimes I'm the only one who can drink the things I make for fun.)
(Isn't mixology some kind of profession?)
I was watching my housemate's dog run around the backyard.
She began to look at me, and look inside the house like she wanted to go in.
This dog spends 95% of the day inside the house
just sleeping
or bugging the shit out of me
(she's adorable though)
and she always jumps for joy whenever someone so much as mutters the word "Outside"
yet
there she was, staring at me, expecting me to open that door and let her go back inside.
So I did.
I continued sitting there, sipping on my drink, probably losing track of time watching the leaves blow and all that good stuff
And then she started whining at the backdoor
Like...what?
"Didn't I just let you in?"
She wanted to come back outside and romp around.

We proceeded to do this little song and dance until I actually went inside for myself
Locking the door behind me, no longer giving the option of going back outside.
And a few things occurred to me:
1) The dog is crazy
2) She may have just wanted to mess with me (She is rather clever, you know.)
3) She knew what she wanted, and it didn't have to completely be one way
or the other.

Strange lesson to grab from that, I'm sure.
But it got me thinking.
One, amongst many reasons I hate having to make important decisions
is because it feels like I -have- to be one way or the other.
Quite frankly, I hate that.
To me, that's almost the same as having a closed mind.
When you completely accept just doing one thing or the other, you close yourself off to what the other side contains.

At the time, I thought about it in terms of polyamory and monogamy
(Also, why isn't monoamorous a word? Polyamorous is a word and so is Polygamy
but the two mean different things, polygamy implies marriage to different people
whereas polyamory refers to multiple relationships that may not involve sex
but you don't see a singular version of polyamory)
I have strong opinions on both of them
I like and dislike both of them for different reasons
It's impossible for me to be completely one way or the other
Note: I said impossible -for me-
Not for you.
Sometimes I want to be the only person in her life
Sometimes it's okay to love other people.
That's just how I am.
I didn't say it was a good view
But it is how I feel.

While coming to this realization
And accepting that I do actually function that way
Naturally I began to question why
and how.
I'm not sure I ever came up with a conclusion.

I wonder about the details of my feelings
How I came to feel this way
Why does it happen at certain times and not others
When (if ever) will I cease to feel this way?
And I have no answers.
Just faith.
Belief in the idea that one day
I'll know what I need to know.

I also spend an inordinate amount of time
questioning myself and my actions
which I know i'm not supposed to do
But honestly, how can I not?
I'm only human
I want to be better
I want to be a better person
we can only do this by realizing our mistakes, correcting them and doing more self-evaluation from time to time.

I don't know where my mind is right now
I'm too tired to keep on point
but not tired to turn in quite yet.

What did I accomplish with this entry?
Not a goddamn thing really.
But that's okay.
Better to take a step in any direction than no step at all.
Whether or not you're moving forward or backwards, you're still moving.
And sometimes, knowing you can move is all the motivation you need.

"He had delusions of adequacy"
-Walter Kerr

Polyamorous Saga

I'm sorry
But I have to write something here today
I have to because I find myself loosing sleep
I have to because I find myself thinking about
Trivial things again and again and again.
I need...to write down ideas
I need to know where I'm going
And where I came from
Because quite frankly, I'm a bit lost.
Which isn't really all that unusual
Most of the time I don't particularly care about it
Because there's always something that finds me.

Recently my girlfriend, or lover, or future spouse, soulmate, or companion, mi corazon, other fancy names and so on
Proposed to me the idea of a polyamorous relationship.
Which, given our age and surroundings seems like a great idea
But there's one little problem with it
Me.

There's so much feeling and though I have tied up in the idea
that I don't even know where to begin.
I mean really, I haven't the slightest clue.
I've been trying to get a hold of myself on the matter
but it's a very, very, very difficult process.
Perhaps one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with.

First of all, lets define polyamory as I see it.
Poly, meaning many
Amor, meaning love
Polyamory is the concept of having many loves in one's life.
To further this conversation, I suppose we must also define what love is.
Honestly, that may not be possible, so lets see if we can't come up with one along the way.
Polyamory is a deeper concept than I would like to admit
It has less to do with physical intimacy and more to do with
Embracing and accepting love and feelings for more than one person.
Granted, polyamorous people are often seen as sexual deviants, taking part in many
different sexual acts with many different people
(Which may or may not be the case)
But I've since learned that its not always about the sex
(Although, we cannot deny that it does have at least something to do with it
After all, what is an intimate relationship without touch and sensuality?)
More so...just, loving a person.
Loving people.
Being open to the idea that you can and will fall in love with more than just one person
And that it is okay to have these feelings
And it is also okay to act on these feelings.
Embracing them to find out more about yourself and what life has to offer.
By limiting yourself to just one person
You limit that person as well.
You deny yourself both experiences and life lessons that very well could change
your entire life.
By denying you or anyone else the right to love another person
you deprive them of what it means to be human and to love with your heart.
By embracing this, you can find a world beyond conventional means
Beyond the dull confines of society and those around you
And experience...happiness, true pleasure...and joy.
Much like being bi-sexual, it's not about being greedy
It's about opening yourself to what life has to offer and being able to enjoy it fully.
Yes, the traditional pairing of male and female is known as a holy union
Not to be broken
But outside of that is a world of possibilities.
So much of the world is out there offering itself to you
and you deny it out of fear and a strict adherence to the rules that you were brought up with.

Polyamory is about love
About caring, compassion
About becoming a better person
About finding new experience
About learning more about yourself, and others around you
About finding happiness
About finding companionship in many places
About...being happy.

There's so much to be said about it
Yet so little is actually said.
I recently read an excerpt from some piece of literature
(I'm not sure who wrote it or whatever, but you can find it at galadarling.com under the title "Infinite Relationships")
Which made a lot of very good points about it.
Opened my eyes to a lot of things and really made me sit down and think about what I really thought about it all.
One important point that was touched on
If all your friendships are like love affairs
Why can't your love affairs be like friendships?
I took this to mean that when you look at your friendships, you find that there's nothing required of them other than simply being there in your life
There's no specific way they are supposed to happen, and they just play themselves out.
There are no rules, no guidelines, no "it has to be like this"
Your friendships are exactly what you want them to be.
But when we speak of lovers, relationships and intimate involvement
There's so much there on how it Has To be.
Lovers are only supposed to be with each other.
There's a 1 to 1 ratio
Any thoughts outside of that relationship are wrong.
Monogamy is key.
I mean, there's a lot of it.
Think about it...when you hear that people are in a relationship
You automatically assume that there are things they have to do.
When you're in a relationship, you assume that it has to be a certain way in order for it to work.
It has to be so neatly in column A and column B.
But does life really work like that?
Is everything really so black and white?
If it was, I wouldn't be writing this entry right now, and I'd be sleeping soundly.

It's not like that at all.
You can't stop yourself from having feelings for one or many people
That's just how we are.
If we find connections with many people
We want to pursue them
To find out more about ourselves and other people
Expand our horizons
Open ourselves to things that could happen.
People often try to deny it
I know I'm very guilty of it myself.
Very often people are afraid to act on feelings that stir within them
Even though they may feel so right, so correct, so impossible to resist
We have to because it's not right according to the way we were raised.
We're so...imprinted
So...commandable
Like toy soldiers
or racecars with remotes.
Everything we think has been preprogammed that way since birth
and it's damn near impossible to see otherwise sometimes.

I suppose it's time to get to the point of all of this.
Yes, I think I've touched on the definition of polyamory enough to say what I need to say now.
I think it's clear enough that I at least have some idea on what it means to be polyamorous
What it means to love other people
What it means to love, period.

Yet, as I know these things
Putting it into practice is so goddamn difficult.
I'm sorry
I was raised to believe that people are meant to be in pairs.
Pairs
As in 2 people.
Not 3, not 5, not 11.
Just two people sharing an intimate bond with each other.
Yes, they can still have relationships with other people
Friends, Colleagues, Co-workers
But when it comes down to it
You have 1 lover.
1 Person to come home to.
1 person that knows you inside and out
1 person to be with.
Even in the case of a threesome
Yea, it's great to have sex with another person and all
Add a little spice to the relationship
But that's just about sex
Or at least, it's supposed to be.
It's always been very black and white to me.
It's like
You're born, you grow, you go to to school, you may date, you get a job, you get married, you die of old age.
...mostly.
I mean, there are obviously a dickton of details that I'm missing in there, but you get the point.
It's very linear.
I have since learned different, at least about some parts, but I really didn't expect to have my world turned upside down like that.

The problem I have is not with the idea of polyamorous relationships
Hell, I think it's great.
If you and your lover decide it's okay for both of you to have other lovers
and you all get along together, that's great.
The issue I have is as it applies to me.

I like the concept, don't get me wrong
It's just...hard as shit for me to really comprehend.
I've always been okay with the idea of being a 1 woman man.
One women for me to pretty much just give myself to.
Not to say that I want to be her all and her everything
But that we have a bond that nothing comes between.
...and honestly, that nothing else is needed.

The more I think about it, I know it seems incredibly foolish
But that's just what I've always believed.

So I'm incredibly torn between the things that I've always believed
And the idea of things that I know are true.
Knowing something is one thing, truly beliving it is something else.

These past few days I've been getting almost no good sleep
There's so much inner debate going on
So many feelings I have to deal with
So much on my mind
And I don't know what to do about it all.

On the one hand, yes I think it would be cool to give it a try
What do you really have to lose from just giving something a try?
If it works, awesome, if it doesn't then it just doesn't.
Life is way too goddamn short to not even try some things
You never know if you never just try it.
Fear be damned, just think of what opportunities lie ahead
Or don't think about it at all, let the opportunties come and see how they change your life.

On the other hand I think it's unneccesary.
Or at least, I think that's the word.
And this is where my feelings of jealousy, anger, fear and uncertainty kick in
And they do a wonderful job of beating my ass and kicking me while I'm down.
So many times I've questioned my self worth
Compared myself to ther people
Tried to figure out what makes me different from others
And finding that I am in general not a good person.
So many thoughts keeping me from understanding what i want to understand.

My girlfriend told me that what I'm feeling is fear
And my mind trying to protect me from getting hurt.
I believe that.
You can't get hurt if you never jump off the bridge, right?
But on the other hand
You'll never know just how fun that jump can be if you never try.

Honestly, I want it to stop.
I want this roller coaster to be over already.
Seriously.
But i know it won't.
It's nothing something that's easily solved overnight.
It's a constant thing
And I constantly have to keep in mind that I need to keep an open mind.
Really, a very open mind
Without the ability to see other perspectives
You're blind.
And there's nothing worse than those that are blind and refuse to admit it.
That is sheer foolishness.
I may act foolish at times, but I am not a fool.
I believe so muvh that there are things to be learned from this
I really look forward to what it is that I might discover about myself.

But by God, it is hard.

To those of you reading this
I want to clarify something.
I'm beyond giving it consideration
I've already said yes
and I stand by that decision
Although at times, I may wonder why it was that I agreed to it.
Somewhere along the lines, I had a stunning revelation
and like I told her, it felt like I'd opened windows that I forget were there.
And there is new air.
I just have to remember how to get back to that spot
That state of...a sort of nirvana
Because I need it.
I need that state of mind.
Without it, I don't know what I will do.

I'm so incredibly scared about so much
I'm afraid to be myself
I'm afraid to know myself
I'm afraid to find out things about myself.
But I'm also curious
There's a small fire there
Something telling me that I need to do this
I need this like I need air
The fire needs kindling
...I can't let it die.
I won't let it die.


...I've titled this the Polyamorous Saga because I intend to write more on this.
Now that I've opened up this can of worms
I feel I can write more freely about how I feel
and maybe in doing so, I'll help myself understand myself better.
So stay tuned, if you want to
If not, I really don't care.
This isn't about you.

In the night, I hear them talk

"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses."
-Margaret Millar

I like that statement
One, because I believe it's true
Two, because I know it's true.
Three, just cause it's funny.

True, I have this "insane" habit of having full conversations with myself
I'm not ashamed of it
I like to talk to myself
I'm a good audience
And I respond properly.
But we've been through this before.
(Check a previous entry, not sure which one)

A couple of days ago, I had a discussion with myself
about Pokemon.
Yes, Pokemon.
And I was trying to figure out just how to work it into an entry
2 days later I figured I'd just write it down anyway.

In case you have no idea
Pokemon is a Japanese/American sensation that swept the country over 10 years ago.
(For full details, please consult Wikipedia...that place works wonders)
Anyway, this is roughly the conversation I had with myself:

So, around 10 years ago...in 1997, according the the title screen of the original pokemon games
America and children all around the USA/Japan were introduced to pokemon.
Pokemon, Pocket Monsters.
Quite possibly on of the best RPGs to date.
Don't look at me like that.
Be offended all you want to, it's a damn good RPG.
Think about it.
You have a solid storyline, a main character, items, NPCs, endless battles
A great battle system, and the ability to change your party as well as learn new moves
and develop strategies to figure out puzzles and defeat bosses.
And there's also the notion that you're saving the world because you're fighting against
Team Rocket...they may be stupid, but they are trying to control the world.
It's just a good game.
I know it was "Americanized" and overly popular, but there's reason for it.
Now I will admit, they got a bit ridiculous with it.
I mean, I was fine with the original versions
Y'know the old Red and Blue cartridges.
Personally, I liked Blue more, just cause.
150 creatures to catch and tame (151 if you used the gameshark)
Missingno. cheat, infinite rare candies (well, it was more like 120, but close enough)
I even caught a level 167 squirtle a few times.
He was a beast.
8 badges, then you fought the elite 4, and eventually you could catch Mewtwo, the unstoppable psychic pokemon.
That was great, when you beat the game, you felt good.
You also felt like no one could touch you because your pokemon are all level 100 from the rare candy cheat.
Then there was Pokemon Yellow
Which was...okay? I suppose.
Never played it, but same principal, just this time you had a yellow rat follow you.
Eh, whatever.
But then, yes then they came out with Pokemon Gold and Silver.
Ah yes, Gold and Silver.
Yea, they added a few more pokemon...about a hundred or so
But with that came some new twists on the game.
New classes, new types and new adventure.
It was good, they finally added a class that could beat the snot out of Psychics.
(well, that had one before, but no one was about to raise a level 100 Bug, that's just stupid)
In this one, cheating was a bit harder, but you worked a lot more, and it felt good.
Yea, there was still the quest for 8 badges or whatever
But when you did that
You could go back, to the original 8 gym leaders
and get the original 8 badges on top of the 8 badges you already had
A total of 16 badges.
You were the fucking man.
No one could tell you shit.
But wait it got better
You could then go and smack around the Elite 4 -again-
Although, this time, they tried to make it 5 because they didn't think you could handle it
But you did
And you beat the snot out of them.
Bitches.
And finally, if you ever had a doubt about just how badass you really were
After catching all the legendary pokemon, and just being the best damn trainer out there.
You could challenge Ash Ketchem, from the original trainer from the Pokemon Red and Blue games.
Like
That's the ultimate challenge
He was only there once, and whether you won or lost, he disappeared forever.
But if you won,
Boy, if you won...
No one could tell you shit.
No one.
Not one single person could take away your pride.
You worked for that shit.
You were The -BEST- Pokemon Trainer...ever.
Beating Gold and Silver made you feel good about life.
Made you feel like you accomplished something.
I know I felt fantastic.
I felt like I was the shit.
May not have stopped world hunger, or poverty
But damned if I didn't feel good.

And there it was, just when you felt on top of the world
they started coming out with -more- pokemon games.
Crystal, Fire Red, Leaf Green, Diamond, Pearl and now Platinum.
I'm sorry, but What the Fuck?
No.
Just, No.
Why are you trying to steal my joy.
What makes you think anything can top how I felt after beating Gold and/or Silver.
You fail Nintendo, you fail hard.

Just one last bit about Pokemon here...
Why is it that Ash Ketchem in the animated series has been training for like...10+ years
But he's only aged twice, and he still loses fights.
Seriously
Shouldn't that yellow rat be like level 500 by now?
What the fuck is he doing?
What are these animators doing?
He should be unstoppable....Unstoppable damnit.
Fuck that "spirit of never giving up" shit.
He should be a goddamn force of nature.

I will never understand these animated series and how they just go on for like a decade.
Let's take for example Dragon Ball, the series.
Eventually we stopped watching it because there was always a New Strongest Power in the Universe.
I mean, I like watching people getting their ass kicking with waves of explosive power and all.
But seriously
Every fucking season was a new strongest power...ever.
Clearly, someone wasn't doing their homework.

It's just strange to see things that we like so much
Get turned into sheer hatred.
I mean, I loved Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z.
And now they're trying to make it into a Live Action movie.
No.
Just, no.
Why can't they let the good times just stay in the past?
They're fucking up my childhood.
Let me have my little victories.
Don't take them away, please.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I had this conversation with myself
In the shower.
I have many conversations like this with myself
And I wonder if I'm weird.
Well of course I am.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I forget what my point was
I think I just felt like typing today.
So be it.

Energizer

Sometimes I don't like me
More often, I don't like being me.
Think about that for a second.

But
That doesn't stop anyone from living day to day now does it?
Well, it does occasionally
But there are many sayings about that.
Anyway
That has nothing to do with anything.

To quote from a song by Lazlo Bane:
"I can't do this all on my own, I'm no superman"

I'd like to examine exactly what he could mean by that.
(Note: I did not say what he meant, I can not begin to decipher why he wrote that song)

Clearly, the obvious message is there,
That life is full of things that no one person alone can handle.
Such is the nature of life
We are not solitary creatures
We are meant to have mates
Friends, colleagues, whatever you want to call them
Basically...other people.
We all sort of fumble around life...together
And possibly, just possibly, we might get through it.

Obvious message.
If that wasn't obvious to you
Well then
Kudos.

Anyway.
What else could he have meant by that?
Just that line alone.

"I can't do this all on my own"

Not -all- of it no.
But a significant portion.
As much as one can take.
As much as one can take and deal with.
As much as you're willing to put up with.
But

"I'm no superman"

We don't have superhuman powers.
We don't have the ability to read minds or blow up shit
More importantly
We don't have the ability to bite off more than we can chew.
Well actually we do
We just can't chew it at all.
We get stuck
And then we feel stupid.

I could go in and examine the nature of what superman represents
but that's not important here.
He's a mythical creature
A force of the unnatural
Technically he might actually be able to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.
It's possible.

But we can't.
As much as we believe we can
We can't
We can try
But ultimately, we will need help.
It's not to say that we're weak or incapable
Just that your strength is not limitless
So yes, you will need help.

------

Why'd I pick that specific quotation?
I don't know.
I rarely ever do.
It got stuck in my head the minute I sat down
Ergo, I must write about it.

I said before that I don't like being me
I meant it
Not because I don't like the things that I do
I happen to think I'm quite a talented individual
And intelligent
A bit too much sometimes.

I don't like being me because
well that's not important.
This is not a pity party.
This is an awakening.

I've spent the last few weeks being considerably lazy off my ass
or more appropriately on my ass
Because
While I know I'm no superman
I know that I am a man
And being a man has responsibilities
Responsibilities mean time
And a decent amount of effort.
That's not to say that I don't want to be responsible
Because I do
Being responsible makes you feel better about life
But
It's not something you look forward to once you've dealt with it.

...Or maybe it is.

Zuuuto.

And now a song
Written by yours truly.
To be cross-posted on my guitar blog
soon as I figure out chords and stuff.
------

The line between love and hate
Is thin and sometimes dreary
The line between like and love
is fun but makes you weary
The line betwixt like and hate
Is full of fiery passion
But the line between hate and dislike
is a trainwreck waiting to happen.


I dislike people
But I hate dumb people
The difference gets hard to see
You can say what you want
But I don't give a damn
About what you might think of me

I dislike talking
But I hate when I'm walking
Some fucker says "'ey my man"
No I don't have change
Get the fuck out my way
And no I don't want to shake your hand

See I don't mind the homeless
I just like my alone-ness
It's not a thing of your or my "kind"
I just dislike people
Of all shapes and sizes
And I don't want to waste my time.

Because I dislike you
And the things that you do
You might think it's a hateful song
But that's really not true
I'm just saying what I think
And you're a liar if think I'm wrong

So I dislike this
And I hate all of that
I could go on and on
But there's really no point
Cause you don't give a shit
and these lines are way too long

See I don't mind opinions
they're a lot like minions
You should keep them just for yourself
But no matter how I say it
You'll just keep on talking
Until I think about shooting myself

So what if its mean
I don't see why you'd care
It's not like I ruined your day
We're all just people
And we all need love
I just wish you'd just go away.

---

Thank you.

Lemon Sandwich Cookie

If you've never done so
I believe you should check out this webcomic
SinFest
And no, it's not as devious as it sounds.
The artwork is nice
Especially considering that he updates -everyday-
And I mean that.
Never takes a break
and it's always good.

I don't know how he does it
But he manages to incorporate philosophy,
religious concepts, sociology and a whole slew of other things
To combine and make this epic storyline.
It's really innovative.

Mostly, I like the idea that the characters converse with all the major deities
Just like they're regular people, with exceptional powers.
I really wonder what kind of mind this guy has.
I am constantly surprised
and put at ease
just by reading.

It says so much
and yet so very little.
I'm sure you could sit there and try to analyze the comparison of God and the other religious leaders, or you could just enjoy the fact that Slick gets no love from 'Nique
and God loves puppets.

The comic is made of pure awesome.
Sorry, but it is.
I really don't see how anyone could disagree with that.
No, I mean really.
You'd have to be one snobby stuck up sonuvabitch to not appreciate it.
And I mean that.
Even if you don't like it as much as other ones
You can at least appreciate it.
(But it'd be better if you liked it.)

That goes to say a lot about religion in general
But we will not discuss that
...probably never will.
It's just not that interesting to me anymore.
There was a time a few years ago where I'd speak all night long on it.
But since then I've grown to accept my beliefs and the knowledge
that everyone is entitled to their own system of beliefs.
Not to say there's no point in trying to convince people otherwise
But you do have to ask yourself "Why?"
Why would you want to change someone's system of belief.
If it's to prove a point
Then you're probably doing it wrong.
If it's because you really feel it would help them out in life
And/or they seem to be struggling with their current lifestyle/mentality
Then by all means, knock yourself.
But choose your battles wisely.
Parents and Old people have been teaching that lesson for ages
And of course it's not until you get older that you realize just how true that statement is.

Age brings experience
Experience includes a lot of shit
-A lot- of shit.
...sometimes literally.
Hey, you're only human
You have bowels.
Get over it.

Age should also bring understanding and comprehension
Although we often find ourselves stuck in our ways
Because we're comfortable with it
And we're not entirely sure we have the capability to be otherwise.
Such is life.

Even if you are old
Or middle aged
Or even in your twenties
You should still broaden your horizons every now and then
Relax a little
No one's penalizing you for anything
As long as it's legal, you're fine.
And I'm fairly certain reading and enjoying a comic is legal.
...For now it is anyway.

So give it a try
Read SinFest
Enjoy.

Surprise.

I'm not actually in a mood to write anything at this moment
I was a few days ago
But then laziness kicked in.
It's very powerful, laziness.
Sometimes you just have to ask
Why fight it?
Laziness can kick your ass
Or
Considering the very nature of laziness
It can provide a comfy cushion from the ass-kicking
that you get in "important" life.
"Important" life is serious.
"Important" life is demanding.
Laziness doesn't really give a damn.

Hard to fight that sometimes
...make that all the time.

The downside of laziness
is the feeling that you should be doing something more
...important.
Laziness leads down some bad roads
Sadness, Depression, Anger, Insecurity, Pants-lessness
(Argue if you want to, but the inability to wear pants is a sure sign of laziness)
To be fair
Not all pant-lessness is bad.
Can't have sex through pants
...well, maybe through a skirt and a zipper...
but a skirt isn't pants.
I digress.

My dearest friend
My worst enemy
My loyal ally
My bitter nemesis

Laziness,
You are all these things and more.

To you I would write an ode
Yet, you'd keep me from expressing my true feeling
You're a crafty one
Yet oh so very simple.
Perplexing
Yet so obvious.

I don't understand you
Yet, I don't want to.

Why do you torment me laziness?
Why do you love me laziness?
Why do I keep you so close?
How have you managed to win me over?
I don't know.
I never do.
You always win.

Laziness, you are superior
Yet
You feel inferior.
I am confused...and at ease.

Surely
Surely there is victory to be found
Surely somewhere there is a place you cannot touch
There must be.

I will find it
I must find it
...I won't find it, will I?
Because you win, laziness.
You win again.

...You always win.

Shoebox

"You have time"
...what the does that phrase even mean?

I hear it all the time.
Usually in reference to what I want to do in life.
(Which of course, I still don't know)

I think part of the reason I don't know
Is because I feel limited
Trapped
Confined
Restrained...by time.

I hear it so much
"You're still young, you still have time"
...Time for what?
Does my time run out?
Am I on a countdown?

I thought the only countdown in life was death.
Well, I mean, yes there are mini countdowns
Like until the new year
Or until your next birthday
Or when you can stop being on house arrest
...whatever works for you.

But
Those are all definitive times
Like...March 19th at 4:56 pm.
Something you can actually mark on a calendar.

To say
"You have time"
confuses me greatly.

Where's the definitive day?
At what time does my time run out?
When I'm 30? 40? 50?
When I have children?
When I have grandchildren?
When I can join AARP?

...or is it the time of my deciding?
And if so
What if I never decide?
Or rather, what if I decide that I have all of eternity.

My time could've been up yesterday
How would I have known?
How do you know?

I'm not entirely sure I like the way that sounds.
I don't know
I've never known
and I never will know
when my time is.

Normally it wouldn't bother me
because I could say I don't give a damn if you think I have time.
But
I'm afraid

I've spent so many years listening to it
I'm actually afraid of running out of time.
(Not entirely sure how that's possible)
But I'm scared
I'm scared shitless.

I don't want my time to run out.
Even if I didn't know I had a limited amount of time.

Is that fear supposed to be my motivation?
Quickly! I better make my life decisions while I still have this limited amount of time!
I don't know when it will end!
I don't know when the opportunities will stop!
I'd better grab them now!

...but wait
how can that be?
As long as you live there are opportunities
Infinite possibilities
Unanswered questions
and the unfathomable unknown.

How can I be limited if there's so much to do?
Why does the fear of time stop me in my tracks?
It feels like pressure
Forcing me to make decisions

...I don't like being forced into anything.
It deprives me of options
Deprives me of thinking
and more importantly, deprives me of comfort.

"You have time"
Time to decide what I want to do? Yes
Time to decide when I want to do it? Yes
Time to figure out why I'm on a clock? Yes
Time that runs out? No.

I don't have time
I have a lifetime.
A span of a life
I have time to live
Not time until I die.

Brrr

I sit here
at 9 in the morning
a bit chilly
and pondering.
This is not meant to be a Haiku
I'm just not coherent enough
To write long sentences
...yet.

(Give it like a minute)

I've journeyed back to my hometown
Or at least the closest thing I can call to a hometown
With mixed emotion.

When I first got on the plane I was filled with excitement
Thinking about where I'd go
Who'd I'd see
(...who I'd not see...)
Wondering if things are different
Are they the same?
Will I feel out of place?
Like I don't belong?

Lots of silly little thoughts like pebbles on a beach.

As plane began it's descent
It started to dawn on me
That I was actually going back.
The smile edged away a little
The light in my eyes grew a bit dimmer
And two things happened.

One, I was met with a familiar comforting feeling of knowing
of familiarity
of being able to say "I remember that"
And feeling that nothing has really changed
That I really did come home to a place that I am quite familiar and comfortable with.
And there was a sigh of relief.

But
I was also met with a feeling of sadness
Or rather...mixed emotions
Sadness, Depression, Anger, Confusion
things of that nature.
Why? Because it's the world I left behind
I've spent 2 or 3 years in another state
This doesn't necessarily feel like home to me anymore.
I'm not staying in my own room.
I'm not cooking in my own kitchen
I'm not sleeping on my own couch
because my life isn't here any more.

That's not to say that there's nothing here.
No no
Quite the opposite.
There is still a part of me here
Memories
Dreams
Ambitions

Parts of a younger self that I have all since forgotten.

Which may be the reason that I needed to come here.
to find what it was that made me move on the first time
To put me in that mood

Why leave home?
To try the world on your own
To make your own rules and live by them
To find out what it means to live
And to grow.

To be a new person
A different one.
To learn culture
and pursue what it is that you really want to do.
...even if it doesn't always work out.

Maybe coming back isn't so bad afterall.
...to visit, not to live.

...
I'm fairly certain there was something else I wanted to say
but I can't remember for the life of me.
Perhaps I'll go stand on the roof and take pictures
Or walk to the store I've been to a million times
I'll enjoy the comforts of this place while I can
...but I still want to go home.

Afk

I am a procrastinator.
I admit it
I'm not proud of it
but I admit it.

One of many flaws in my character.
(We all have flaws even if we don't acknowledge them)
(Deal with it)

I don't entirely know why I behave this way
It's never because I am incapable of doing something
But rather that I'm determined to reason myself silly.
And reason, while sounding intelligent doesn't seem to do much
but take up loads of my time.

That's not to say that one shouldn't think about things before they act
God no
We have too much of that as it is.
This is how babies are born
and shows like Jackass or Nick Cannon's Wild N' Out are born.
(yea I said it, so what? Big deal...wanna fight about it?)

But rather, the initial, strong reaction that you have
your...gut instinct, if you will
Is usually right.
If for no other reason than your whole body reacts that way
Mind, Heart..Self.
...most of the time.
For me at least, it's the response that i know I'm going to give eventually
It's just a matter of taking the logical steps to get there.
And while I think about those steps, time passes on and on and on
Sometimes you just start making up steps just so the decision is more firm.
...at least, for me that's how it works.

I have no idea how other people do things
I don't pretend to know
and I damn sure don't think about it.
It's complex
Much like procrastination.
It's insanely complex...and for no apparent reason.

So why do we do it?
Why procrastinate?
Why spend time not doing what you know you will end up doing anyway?
To spare feelings?
To save time?
Because you think that by taking more time you'll feel more secure in your decision?
...that works out well, doesn't it?
Maybe for you it does
But regardless of how much time I spend thinking about it
I rarely feel any more enlightened about it than before I started all that reasoning and logic.
It's like making excuses for an action you haven't even taken yet

...why on earth would you do that?
You take action, -then- deal with it.
How do you prematurely deal with something that hasn't even happened?
And who's to say you're doing it the right way anyway?
No one
There's something else to think about/reason over
It could go on and on
The possibilities are endless
And therein lies the problem.

How can you be forced to making a decision when there are so many possibilities
So many...drawbacks
rewards
consequences.
It's impossible to know
But damned if we don't try.

I often say I don't do something because I'm thinking about all the possible angles
Which clearly can't be done.
There are things that I can't even begin to fathom that could happen
Then what?
What was all that thinking for?
Wasting time.

And you can't ever save time
I will never understand why people think you can.
We were given one (maybe?) life to live
You can't save time and store it in a jar on the shelf
to be later pulled out when you're like 79 in the hospital ward.

*Wheeze*"Son...*cough*...can you bring my jar of 1993?"

No
that's not how that works at all.
You can only spend time wisely.
That's right.

it's like buying fruit or most produce for that matter
You don't try and save it
You eat it before it goes bad and is wasted
...well, middle-class people do anyway

What was I saying?

Oh
You can only spend time wisely
So why spend it on thinking about the infinite possibilities of one simple action
Whether it be deciding to live with giraffes in africa or whether you should move to the left because that guy really smells bad.

Just do it already.
You're not doing anything but inconveniencing yourself
And causing yourself undue stress.

No one likes stress
It makes you feel bad.